In this episode of the PolySoCal Podcast, Alonzo sits down with Patty, John, Heather, and Beeb — a four-person polycule — to talk about how their connection began, what it’s like to grow from swinging into a committed quad, and how they navigate the everyday challenges of jealousy, compersion, agreements, and family disclosure. From playful banter about “love cups” to honest reflections on emotional vulnerability and time management, this conversation offers a candid look at how four people are building a family unit rooted in communication, trust, and laughter.
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome to the PolysoCal podcast. Tonight, we have a great crew on deck. We’re actually talking to a four part polycule and voices that you know well. We have Patty, John, Heather, and Bebe in the house tonight. For the first time, all of them online at the same time, and we’re going to be talking about them.
Hi guys.
Patty (00:20)
Hi!
Heather (00:20)
Ha!
Beeb (00:21)
Hello.
Alonzo Banx (00:21)
Let’s do the normal thing and go around the room. Everyone explain who they are and the relationship, because that’s going to become a big part of tonight. So let’s start with Miss Heather.
Heather (00:31)
Hi, I am Heather. I am dating both John and Patty and we’ve been dating for a little over a year. I’ve been in the lifestyle for over 10 years, newly to the poly realm.
Alonzo Banx (00:45)
and your primary beep.
Heather (00:48)
yeah, that guy.
Beeb (00:48)
Hello,
I am married to Heather and I am dating Patty and John is my metamorph.
Alonzo Banx (00:54)
Cool. And considering you named John, jump up.
Jon (00:57)
Hello, I’m John. I am married to Patty and Heather is my girlfriend and Bebe and I are bros.
Alonzo Banx (01:03)
Very cool. And not saving the best for last, but know, baddie.
Patty (01:09)
Hi, I’m Patti. I often co-host with Alonzo Banks on this podcast. I’m married to John. I am dating Beeb and I am also dating Heather.
Alonzo Banx (01:21)
Very cool. you guys, know, the disclosure, I have known, ⁓ John and Patty socially for well over a decade. ⁓ and then I’ve recently met, Bebe and Heather. but I’ve been hearing Patty talking about you guys for over a year now, incessantly all the time. She talks about you. So how did this whole thing begin?
Heather (00:02)
Because we did meet at a local sex club during a content night when I was doing an electrical demonstration and Bebe and Patty connected and then Patty messaged us through the site and then Patty and I started chatting and I just loved it was just texting I do believe right Patty we didn’t even have any phone calls. Yeah
Patty (00:30)
Right.
Heather (00:31)
And
I loved, I loved everything about her within, think maybe three days of texting with her. made plans to do a group game night.
Patty.
Patty (00:39)
So we made plans to actually meet over at their house for just the first time meeting and we sat outside and we hookah and chilled and we talked about ourselves and I thought Bebe was really handsome but Heather and I just ⁓ connected on such a great
Alonzo Banx (00:53)
thought he was really handsome, but Heather and I just ⁓ connected on such a great
Patty (01:02)
level. For me, it was immediate. Like, I really like these girls. the guys aside, I really like this girl.
Alonzo Banx (01:02)
level. ⁓ For me it was immediate. I really like these girls. Except the guys that’s by it, I really like this girl.
Patty (01:11)
He is extremely intelligent and ⁓ is a psychology major, which is also my jam. And I was like, I really want to get to know them better. ⁓ At the time, we were all kind of
Alonzo Banx (01:13)
is extremely intelligent and is a psychology major, which is also my jam. And I was like, really want to get to know them better. At the time, we were all kind
of in the swinger vibe, but we meshed really well.
Patty (01:29)
you know, in the the swinger vibe, but we meshed really well. And
so we went on a couple of dates from there and we all connected. I know John, John is part Asian and super cute, but Heather hasn’t dated anybody Asian. So we was like, I don’t know if, you know, John will be Heather’s type, but clearly he is. And
Jon (01:52)
you
Patty (01:53)
So it was almost instantaneously that we all connected at a really deep level. And sometimes that’s really hard to find in a quad where everybody really connects really well. When I first met B, I thought he was really friendly and I was very nervous. It was our first time at that club and we were doing photos and he came up and just, we just started talking about.
know, families and kids and, you know, what we like and what we’re open to and all that. And so we all connect really, really well.
Alonzo Banx (02:27)
How would you describe your relationship now?
You know, we talk a lot in this show about terms and how would you all describe this?
Heather (02:34)
Let’s let the guys join in. I would describe us as a polycule or polyamorous with the side of swinging, I guess you could say. Yes, we are not a closed dynamic.
Jon (02:37)
Hahaha
Alonzo Banx (02:52)
John, how about you?
Jon (02:53)
Yeah, I mean, I’m used to calling something like this a polyquad, but I’ve been trying to stretch my vocabulary out a little bit with the different terms that I’m hearing these days. So polyqul is great. Open polyquad or open polyqul is pretty cool.
Alonzo Banx (03:09)
How do you agree with that one?
Patty (03:11)
I do agree with that. I do think we are moving more towards like a family unit. We are talking and making plans to move together and have like maybe a family compound thing where, you know, main house and then the kids have their own houses and, you know, the four of us have a house. So that’s kind of in the talks and, and
a very serious possibility in the very near future.
Alonzo Banx (03:40)
Interesting.
Heather (03:41)
Yeah, so
Patty and I can annoy the men at the same time.
Patty (03:45)
Yes.
Alonzo Banx (03:46)
Was there a defining moment where you, that aha moment where you went, hey, this isn’t just playing around, this is a relationship.
Heather (03:55)
John?
Jon (03:56)
What? I don’t think there was one moment. For me, it’s a slow burn to a loving relationship. And it takes just some time for me. Heather did keep hinting frequently as we were going on dates and stuff like that. Like, I like you. Like, I like you a lot. Like, I really, really like you. Like, that sounds a lot like love. But so.
Heather (03:56)
you ⁓
Thank
Jon (04:21)
think she was waiting for me to say it first. Did everything she could to stop herself. yeah, I think there was a moment when the four of us were all kind of like, think, yeah, I think this is it. And we all kind of jumped in at the same time-ish.
Heather (04:24)
I didn’t want to say it first.
Patty (04:40)
How about you, babe? Do you have a defining moment?
Heather (04:43)
⁓ not so much for myself, but I think I do have a moment for you. ⁓ and it was just a, it was just something innocent. I didn’t think anything of it when I did it, but we all went to a nice Italian restaurant and it was early on in our dating adventure. And, ⁓ when she was all done, she didn’t finish all her food and I got the, a to go box and I
Jon (04:50)
Okay.
Heather (05:09)
took her plate and I put it all in the toolbox, packed it up, put it in the bag for her and everything. And for whatever reason, she was very taken back by that, that I went through the effort of doing that for her. And so I think that was her defining moment.
Patty (05:24)
That was day number three, by the way. It’s very important. And I remember that moment also because I decided it was a good idea to wear a white tank top to an Italian restaurant. And I spilled some sauce on my shirt. And I was sitting across from Heather. And Heather started joking with me about it like, no, nobody sees that at all while she’s glaring at my boobs.
Alonzo Banx (05:25)
I agree, the way. And I remember that moment also because I decided it was a good idea to wear white tank top to an Italian workshop and I spilled some…
Heather (05:26)
Yeah. I knew it was really on.
Jon (05:30)
Thank
Alonzo Banx (05:40)
sauce on my shirt and I was sitting across from Heather and Heather started joking with me about it like, yeah, nobody sees that at all. While she’s blaring at my food. was
Heather (05:48)
you
Patty (05:51)
my spot is all in joking with me and it was like that moment I was like somebody who
Alonzo Banx (05:51)
like smug fuck while she was with me and it was like that moment I was like, ugh. don’t know, somebody who, um.
Patty (05:59)
jokes with me and teases me and somebody else that’s also considerate and cares for me like to take a moment to where you’re gonna package my food up like what like those those really nice as far as like love love that happened probably
Alonzo Banx (06:00)
jokes with me and teases me and somebody else that’s also considering cares for me like to take a moment to where like you’re going to package my food up like what? I think that was really nice. As far as like love, love, that happened probably
Heather (06:10)
you
Patty (06:17)
for me very quickly, because I’m not a slow burn girl.
Alonzo Banx (06:18)
for me very quickly because I’m not a smoker.
Patty (06:21)
know, and I can decide pretty quickly whether or not I will have feelings for somebody very quickly. I’m a zero to 60 girl, so.
Alonzo Banx (06:24)
or not I will have problems with somebody very quickly. I’m a 0 to 60 girl,
so. Absolutely.
Heather (06:31)
That’s the same for
me. I mean, if it’s not too bold to say, Patty and I are already planning our polycule wedding. we’re just waiting. Yeah, we’re totally waiting on the guys to catch up. Yeah.
Patty (06:39)
Yeah, we’re looking at dresses. ⁓
Jon (06:42)
you
Patty (06:45)
We call each other wives.
Alonzo Banx (06:48)
So it sounds like all that happened pretty early on you’re talking within the first couple of months.
Heather (06:52)
Yeah.
Patty (06:54)
We didn’t intend when we met each other, it was more for fun and exploring. John and I have had previous poly relationships, but we didn’t think we would find what we have now. We just didn’t know if it was even remotely possible. And so we didn’t go into it like we’re all gonna develop a poly thing. was, we’re gonna enjoy each other’s company and things just…
naturally happened for us and happened very quickly.
Alonzo Banx (07:21)
And to pry just a little bit, for an emotional side, the four of you are multi-monogamish. There’s not external connections on emotional sides.
Patty (07:33)
Come on.
Jon (07:33)
I don’t think
Heather (07:33)
⁓
Jon (07:33)
I understand that question.
Heather (07:33)
I feel, I think he’s getting at, are we open to being emotional outside, ⁓ with somebody else outside of our quad? we are, I don’t know if any one of us has any one particular in mind. we have a few people that we’re kind of dating, but nothing serious as of yet. Yeah.
nothing where anyone at this time is like, this is going to be my boyfriend or this is going to be my girlfriend right now. But I think all four of us are really open to that. And I think for Patty and I too, we want to know everyone that’s involved with our partners. So
Jon (08:11)
Also Heather question where does reset in all of this?
Heather (08:14)
yeah, so I thought we were talking about somebody new outside of the polycool. I started dating my girlfriend, Ree, before I met John and Patty. So she was a preexisting relationship before entering ⁓ the polycool with John and Patty.
Jon (08:15)
⁓ okay. Gotcha, gotcha.
Grandfather din.
Heather (08:33)
Yeah, she’s grandfathered in.
Alonzo Banx (08:36)
And
as she’s not on, I will take out her name. So if you use a different name during the show, it would help.
Heather (08:42)
That is a different name for her.
Alonzo Banx (08:44)
So we’re okay with the name, perfect. Okay. so you guys settled in pretty quickly. I’m thinking within the first three or four months, this was a pretty hard and fast relationship. What, what at that point, ⁓ surprised you most emotionally as you started at that point, what was the big, wow.
Patty (08:46)
Yes.
Alonzo Banx (09:03)
Or was there one? Maybe that there just wasn’t.
Heather (09:05)
I would say for me the biggest wow was having to be emotionally open with someone else other than my wife.
Patty (09:14)
I think for me it was, wow, I can actually fall in love with a female. I can be, I’ve been bi or queer my, you know, young life, but I haven’t ever fallen in love with a female enough where I’d want her for myself, meaning as a standalone relationship.
And so that took me by surprise that I could feel so close to a female the way I feel with Heather.
Heather (09:49)
So we can all understand who’s Patty’s favorite, right?
Jon (09:53)
Mm-hmm.
You
Alonzo Banx (09:57)
Kim Persian. How does that play into your relationships?
Patty (09:58)
Yes.
Jon (10:01)
I think it’s really crucial for our relationship to be open poly, all of these different things. ⁓ If you’re not feeling it for somebody else, if you’re not feeling it for everybody in the group, it’s gonna be a rough ride, I think. So I kind of depend on that and I focus on that a lot in my own experience.
Heather (10:18)
And I also think that’s why within our dynamic, we have the kind of rule where we want to know the people that our partners are seeing. It doesn’t have to be a sexual relationship, just a friendship, hang out or whatever, just to know them. Because if you know someone, it’s easier to share your people with them and be happy for them versus it just being some random stranger. Now, if it’s a swinging thing at a sex club and
they hook up with someone and it’s not anything more than that, then it’s whatever. It’s not, you know, that’s easy to have conversion when it’s something like that. Yeah. Like get it.
Alonzo Banx (10:55)
Was it learned for each of you or something that came natural?
Heather (10:59)
For yeah, both. I like Patty. it’s easy for me to have compersion when Patty and beep go out because I love Patty so much. I literally will tell him like you’re going out with my girlfriend. You better open her door. You better treat her nicely. You better do x y and z. Are you going to stop and get flowers for her? Because if she’s not getting princess treatment, I’m gonna find out I’m gonna be pissed.
Alonzo Banx (11:22)
Patty, you answered both to that.
Patty (11:24)
I answered both because I know for me, compersion early on, because John and I have been married for 29 years, we’ve been together for 31 years. Early on, you know, compersion was a little bit learned. And then it’s been both for me because there are times that it’s extremely easy and then times where it can be a stretch.
My ability to have a compersion for John is very, very high. We are completely established. We’re rooted. And I see him the most. My cups get filled the most often with him. for me, when my cups are full, it’s easier for me to have compersion. When there is a newer relationship, it’s a little bit more tricky to have
person because you worry like, I’m happy for them. what about me? What about how what happens if that person likes them more? What happens? know, those things kind of can come into your mind at times. So it’s it’s both for me. It’s something that’s learned and something that has come natural because I don’t consider myself a crazy, jealous person. There’s just little bits of twinges that
happen.
Alonzo Banx (12:41)
John, what are your thoughts about that?
Jon (12:43)
⁓
I think it helps to have had this long history of sort of practicing this stuff in advance. So like Patty was saying with both learned and just sort of coming naturally, I think we both had that in us for sure. We have had that capacity to feel compersion for each other’s activities outside of what’s going on in our immediate relationship.
Definitely didn’t understand or know the concept of it until much later. And then it was through learning that we kind of were able to help define it and maybe fine tune it and learn some tools to stay sane throughout everything.
Alonzo Banx (13:25)
You know, none of us are perfect and we all have those days. How does jealousy play in for each of you? How does it come and when it does, how do you address it? Heather?
Heather (13:36)
For me, I experience jealousy when Patty is with another female, even if it’s just her best vanilla friend. I get uber jealous. I mean, this is something I can internally process on my own. I don’t really tell Patty a whole heck of a lot about it. One of the tools I use is a mantra, love, trust, faith. And I just tell myself,
You know, I remember how much Patty loves me and how much I trust her. And, I do have a lot of faith in our relationship and what we’re building. So if I think about that stuff, it makes it easier. jealous with John, and Bebe would say it’s a, comes and goes. I, John really hasn’t.
dated or seen another woman outside of our polycule. So I can’t really talk to that. So when he plays with another woman outside of polycule, I don’t experience any kind of jealousy. I’m actually really excited for him. But if a girl gives him attention when I’m around, I’ll be like, hey, hi. I’m kidding. my gosh.
Jon (14:39)
Even at a Costco, it’s crazy.
Alonzo Banx (14:43)
Okay, there sounds like there’s an entire story there we’ll have to
Heather (14:46)
you
Alonzo Banx (14:46)
unpack
some other time. Patty, how do you feel about Heather’s statement of her jealousy towards you? Or, you know what I mean?
Patty (14:56)
She
has expressed that not… I know we both express that for each other. We both feel the same way. If Heather goes to the gym with somebody other than me and if it’s a girl, I’m like, hey, what do mean you have, you’re gonna go with somebody else? Even if I’m not available, even if, yeah. So we talk about that.
Alonzo Banx (15:13)
you
Patty (15:22)
And for me, being able to just say how I’m feeling helps a lot. I get very jealous with beep, if we’re being really honest. But I’ve been able to manage it. The jealousy, guess, I don’t look at it as being toxic because the way I behave I feel like is appropriate. I will express I’m feeling jealous or I’m feeling nervous, but underneath it, why?
Heather (15:32)
You
Jon (15:32)
you
Patty (15:47)
Why am I feeling jealous? Maybe he’s gonna find somebody else and he won’t want to move in with us anymore. Or maybe, you know, my time might be in jeopardy or maybe it like that’s really what is underneath it. Not that he’s physically with somebody else. It’s more of an emotional thing for me. And it’s more of, I guess I look at jealousy as a tool of what I need to work on within myself.
Alonzo Banx (15:56)
maybe it like that’s really what is underneath it. Not that he’s physically with somebody else. It’s more of an emotional thing for me. And it’s more of I guess I look at jealousy as a tool of what I need to work on within myself
Patty (16:14)
and what I need to work on with Bebe and I so
Alonzo Banx (16:14)
and what I need to work on with even I
Patty (16:18)
that I do feel more secure in our relationship. And so I don’t necessarily view jealousy in a negative way. I view toxic, bad, manipulative behavior as bad reaction to it.
Alonzo Banx (16:35)
Absolutely. Jealousy is not bad. It’s negative reactions to jealousy that’s bad. Mr. Beebe, you’re not off the hook that easy.
Patty (16:39)
Yes.
Heather (16:42)
So I would say 80 % of my jealousy is FOMO. A good example is I was getting ready to leave for a backpacking trip and a lifestyle pool party came up and I was like all excited and I looked at the date and I’m like, damn, it’s right in the middle of my thing. And then not more than five minutes later, John posts, hey, anybody want to go to this pool party? And like everyone was like, yes. And at first I was like, no, you can’t go.
To Heather. Yeah, I was like you can’t go and then at first then I was like, alright, you can go but you can only play with John and Patty he put a bunch of restrictions and then like then a day or two later I was like, no, you can go and just have a good time. It’s fine It’s more of me just missing out and I was a little bit by it but then John missed out on having two women who were solely there for him. So So yeah, and then
Jon (17:09)
Thank
you
Heather (17:36)
You know, with Patty, I do get twinges here and there. It’s more of like for one, like one instance, she would, I thought she was just going on a date with somebody. And then like the next day after everything was said and done, I found out it was a play date. And I was like, huh, I was more caught off guard and a little jealous over that. I guess I just. Yeah.
Patty (17:54)
and the amount of testing that happens and you’re like, hey, that’s my girlfriend.
Alonzo Banx (17:56)
that happens and you’re like, hey, that’s my girlfriend.
Heather (18:01)
⁓ with Heather, I would say I get the most jealous with and reason being our schedules are the opposite. she works nights, I work days and she works all weekends. So we get a few hours in the evening time with each other. So a lot of our stuff is separate that we do. So when, you know, she’s going not so much with John, I haven’t really experienced jealous see so much when.
Heather and John are going out, but when she’s going out to do something with somebody else, yeah, it’s there. But we talk through it and find out what the solution is. Yeah, I tell them to nut up and get over it.
Jon (18:41)
you
Alonzo Banx (18:42)
Agreements. How do you reach them? What kind of agreements have you put in place across different boundaries and how did you get there?
Heather (18:52)
I would say our biggest boundary we have right now is agreement. Agreement is to use protection with anyone outside of our polycule. That’s an agreement, not a boundary. Same thing. No, it’s not the same thing.
Alonzo Banx (18:57)
Agreements and boundaries.
Jon (19:06)
I’m
Alonzo Banx (19:08)
Let’s go with it. Heather, explain what is your view of the difference between an agreement and a boundary?
Heather (19:14)
An agreement is essentially a rule that we’re all going to abide to until things change. So using protection with any partners outside of the polycule is an agreement until maybe someone reaches a journey with someone else where they want to be fluid bonded with their partner, then it would be discussed with the group. I would say an agreement isn’t a permanent thing until it’s re-discussed. So once it’s established,
It’s a rule and then you can come to and talk about it later. A boundary is something I’m going to do in reaction to someone else’s…
actions. So if, I don’t know, what’s an example of a boundary?
Alonzo Banx (19:58)
So let me help. So
from what I hear, you would put a boundary more of a trigger.
Heather (20:03)
A boundary is more of a response to something. So, God, what’s an example of a boundary?
Alonzo Banx (20:09)
That’s okay.
Jon (20:09)
I do
feel like a boundary is something that’s more personal. So I have boundaries, but this is a problem for me. We’re in agreement is something that we all share as a choice.
Heather (20:14)
Yes, it’s something you do.
Alonzo Banx (20:22)
I can get behind that. A boundary
is something internal to you or an agreement is something that you make in the group. Heather would, I’m sorry, Patty, what do you think about that one?
Heather (20:25)
Yes.
Yeah, I was trying to get there.
Jon (20:30)
you
Patty (20:32)
I agree with that. I think we also have an agreement where for now we’re not spending overnights with people, other people outside our our polycule until we all feel like, we’re comfortable, we’re all on this page for now. That’s where we’re at for now. So that would be an agreement. Same with the protection for now. This is where we are. We all
value our safety as number one priority. So that’s our hard agreement for now unless something seriously changes with that, then it would definitely be a lot of discussion.
So yeah, I think those are the two big ones that we have. And then I think we are also all in agreement that if we start dating someone, we all want to know that person. It doesn’t have to be a super close relationship. Doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship, but that we know who that person is because we are more, I guess, we’re kitchen table poly.
Heather (21:40)
kitchen table.
Patty (21:43)
where we like to know everybody. For me, that helps me emotionally. I prefer that. I like the open connectivity, the community, the camaraderie. We can sit around and talk about the guys, you know? I like that, so.
Alonzo Banx (21:57)
Patty, you use the word, so I’m going to ask you to describe it for me. Your version of what is kitchen table polyamory. What does that mean to you?
Patty (22:06)
For me that means that all of my poly partners, all of my partners and all of any of my partners’ partners can come meet in one place and hang out. Just play games, go out for food, go to a show or something that we all can get together and we know about each other and we can connect in some way.
versus like parallel poly, where everything is separate, where say John would date somebody, I wouldn’t know that person, I wouldn’t have anything to do with that person. I prefer kitchen table poly, where I know who my partner’s partners are.
Alonzo Banx (22:44)
Everyone agree with that? You guys use a term and you’ve mentioned it on this podcast, but you’ve brought it up a couple of times and others, your emotional cups.
Heather (22:46)
Yeah.
Jon (22:47)
Yep.
Heather (22:55)
John’s the best person to explain the cups.
Jon (22:58)
You
Pardon me. Yes, a Marshal Cup. So this was something that came up, I don’t know when this was discussed. I think it was some of our therapy that Patty and I had gone through in the past. talked about it ⁓ in cookie jars. No, actually, this was way back with another poly relationship we had when we were talking about cookie jars and started off that way. And that we, if you didn’t have a full cookie jar,
you didn’t have any cookies to give to people or things like that, or if your cookie jar was empty. But now with Heather and Beeb, we’ve been talking about it in terms of cups and we’ve diversified our cups into two different cups. The sex cup and the love cup has two distinct types of cups. And for us, it is a quick and easy measure of how fulfilled we are sexually or emotionally with each
person. So I would have two set of cups for Heather and for Bebe and for Patty. And so typically like to keep my sex cup with Bebe a little bit low. But as far as how I’m feeling, you know, connected to him and stuff, whatever, like my, you know, my love cup could be, could be fuller in some ways and stuff, whatever, but the same for Patty, for Patty and Heather. I can
Heather (23:57)
⁓ you ⁓
Jon (24:14)
immediately communicate kind of where I’m at emotionally or physically with everyone in the group and we can communicate that to everybody so that if I’m exposing my cups and stuff whatever then everybody will know that man I think John needs some time with whomever because of the lack of cup fill-ness.
Alonzo Banx (24:33)
I think that’s a fantastic way to talk about things. I’m sorry, Patty, go ahead.
Patty (24:33)
I really-
I really like that analogy because in my mind when John brought up the love cups, I visualize the red solo cups, you know, and in my brain it’s like, this is for our emotional cup and this other one is for the sex cup. And so I have that in my brain. And so I’m a visual person. So if Heather says my patty love cup is low, I’m like,
Heather (24:47)
Yep.
Jon (24:47)
You
Alonzo Banx (25:00)
We love
Patty (25:02)
this is what I need to do to fill that up. And it’s like a visual thing in my head. So that helps me ⁓ approach Heather in ⁓ an emotional way versus, ⁓ she just wants sex. So let me just go have sex. Like it does something for me knowing that separated because, ⁓ you know, you do have some, we need physical connectivity and sometimes we need emotional connectivity. ⁓ And that’s for
Alonzo Banx (25:02)
what I need to do to fill that up. And it’s like a visual thing in my head. So that helps me approach Heather in an emotional way versus, ⁓ she just wants sex. So let me just go have sex. But it does something for me knowing that separated because you do have some, sometimes we need physical connectivity and sometimes we need emotional connectivity.
Patty (25:31)
For our polycooled, that’s a good way for us that has been really helpful. We’ve even broken it down in percentages sometimes on our group chat or group texts, like, hey, where’s everybody’s love cup on percentages and use that to gauge what we all need in the moment.
Heather (25:49)
Does everyone envision Red Solo Cups? Yes. What the fuck?
Jon (25:51)
Yeah. What cups
Alonzo Banx (25:53)
I’m using like a cup.
Patty (25:53)
Hahaha
Jon (25:55)
are you using? Are you using like cups for like sports?
Heather (25:59)
⁓ no,
like the stemless wine glasses.
Patty (26:01)
Big gobs-
Jon (26:04)
You
Alonzo Banx (26:04)
That’s funny because
hearing you talk about it, was thinking coffee cups.
Jon (26:07)
Yeah.
Heather (26:08)
Oh,
Minor stimulus wine glasses. Everyone else? We’re not bougie like people. We go to the dive bars, all right?
Patty (26:11)
You
Jon (26:12)
Or we
could turn down the party.
Patty (26:16)
Hahaha!
Alonzo Banx (26:17)
And I’m just looking for the caffeine, so…
Jon (26:19)
I wanted to add ⁓ just one other thing to the to the concept of cups too is a it’s a good way to measure you could throw out that question of you know, how’s how’s everybody’s Love cup at this moment because you might have something Challenging that you want to bring up to the group and you think okay Well, since everybody’s love cup is empty empty I’m gonna fill those up and then we can have a conversation about something that might be a little bit more challenging
Alonzo Banx (26:19)
Beb, Heather, please go ahead, no, please.
I think it’s absolutely brilliant. I want to circle back to something that you were talking about with you and Heather, time management and scheduling for people to get time to fill your cups when clearly you were saying you and Heather have time problems just between you two.
Heather (26:59)
Yeah,
go for it. So there’s some sacred times for us that we do not plan with other people. So Saturday morning, I don’t work till 2 p.m. on Saturdays, so nothing gets planned during that time for either of us. That doesn’t include both of us. And then I have Monday and Tuesday nights off.
So Monday or Tuesday night will be our time together. It doesn’t necessarily have to be both nights because then that really limits myself and what I can do on my time off. So I won’t do back to back dates with John Monday and Tuesday night or with other people. I make sure one of those nights I’m spending with me.
Alonzo Banx (27:38)
Beep.
Heather (27:38)
Yeah, I mean, I know that yeah, she nailed it pretty good. I mean, that’s pretty much how it goes. you know, I try I try really hard to not plan anything during the time she’s that we’re both home together. Doesn’t always happen. But I try and I try to do most of my planning after 2pm on Saturday, and anytime on Sunday, because she’s at work that whole
She starts two o’clock Saturday, doesn’t get off till six o’clock Monday morning. So I’m usually by myself if we don’t have kids. You changed your RDO too. Oh, yes. Yeah. So his RDO was every other Friday. So it was a required day off and now he changes RDO to every other Monday. So we have every other Monday all day, that 24 hours together.
Alonzo Banx (28:26)
just, Patty, I know you keep an incredibly busy schedule. How do you make it work?
Patty (28:32)
I don’t know. I don’t make it work. ⁓ I think it helps that ⁓ I am full-time school. I am in full-time school and John right now is working from home. So John and I have a lot more time together than Heather and Bebe do because we see each other every evening.
Heather (28:34)
You
Patty (28:52)
and our most evenings. And we are also physically in bed together every evening, which I think is really helpful for us. But there have been times where we have been to ship’s passing and then we’ve really had to be intentional with our time. we haven’t gone on a date in a while, let’s plan a date. And sometimes we really need to focus on being intentional with our time.
Alonzo Banx (29:15)
What’s something that being in this kind of relationship has taught you about conflict resolution? Keep in mind that a lot of the people who listen to our podcast aspire to be the four of you. They are looking to be able to get this into their… John, you’re laughing. You are a role model for a lot of people. You are a group that has made this work well. So…
Heather (29:34)
Thank you.
So I
know I’ve said this in another one of your podcasts, but I mean, the real key, one, communication, and two, being fully emotionally open to your other partners. That’s gonna make everything a lot easier and work smoothly. If you keep stuff bottled in, it’s not gonna work.
Alonzo Banx (30:05)
Explain what you mean about emotionally open.
Heather (30:07)
Yeah. I just listen. the same way you’re willing to be emotionally open and tell like, tell your wife about your problems, ⁓ what’s going on with you and what you’re feeling and emotionally, you have to be open to do that with your, ⁓ your poly partner as well. And that’s something in the beginning I struggled with. Because he felt that was an only a husband and wife thing.
Jon (30:10)
Yeah.
Heather (30:35)
⁓ and I, I’ve never been like that. I’ve always been emotionally open and vulnerable with, more so Patty than John. And I’ve been more open with John as of late, but it’s always, it’s always been super easy with me to be very vulnerable with Patty. and he was like, wait, you tell her all that stuff? I’m like, yeah, I do. So it’s definitely something that he’s had to learn to do. So yeah.
Alonzo Banx (30:58)
John how about you?
Jon (30:58)
I am not emotionally vulnerable in any way. I can’t keep it all bottled up. It’s definitely a tough one for me. I like to be present and I like to be someone that anyone can kind of go to with things. And I often talk about things that happen in my life, but I’m not usually very open with.
⁓ any kind of deeper emotions, I think sometimes. That one is a tough one for me to kind of get through sometimes. yeah, I don’t know. I’m not sure if Patty or Heather have any critiques on that with me as well.
Patty (31:36)
I you’ve worked on that and you are slowly doing that more and more as time goes on and you realize, it’s okay to do that because I think in society men are taught, you man up, you gotta be the strong one. Don’t cry, don’t show any sort of vulnerability. ⁓ So it’s a challenge sometimes to unlearn some things that, you For me, know John and I have been together.
for 31 years, I can’t help but just be completely raw and open with him. And Heather and I immediately have that. And she’s, you know…
has caught me in moments where I’ve, you know, been on the floor sobbing about something and help pick me up from that. I struggle letting a man do that for me sometimes. And that has been a beavenizing thing that I have to work on. Like, okay, I need to be completely honest with them how I’m feeling, how I’m…
Alonzo Banx (32:12)
caught me in moments where I’ve been on the floor sobbing about something and helping me up from that. I struggle letting the band.
Patty (32:40)
and let my guard down. And that has been something that he and I both have had to actively work on. And Heather, we talked about one of the questions being like, what’s been a struggle? And I think Heather has kind of been that person who’d go to, because she knows Bebe the best. And then she and I have a great relationship. So she’ll be like, OK, you need to tell Bebe this. And Bebe, you need to do this for Patty. And finally, she’s like,
Alonzo Banx (32:58)
You guys start figuring it out.
Jon (33:05)
Thank
Patty (33:05)
start figuring it out and I’m like… But
Heather (33:06)
Hey, listen, we can’t jump ahead to other questions.
Alonzo Banx (33:13)
But I know this lifestyle being in this molecule has really, really, I thought that I…
Patty (33:13)
I know this lifestyle being in this polycule has really made me really… I thought that I communicate so great and I’m so emotionally available and sometimes it gets brought out. Oh, am I not?
Jon (33:26)
you
Alonzo Banx (33:29)
Sometimes it gets right out. ⁓
Patty (33:32)
No, not always. Yeah, I have some things to work on and I do think if you’re going into this lifestyle, those things will be brought to light. So you will get an opportunity to work on those in the polyamorous lifestyle.
Alonzo Banx (33:46)
I think one of things that comes up constantly in our talks is if you are successful in this lifestyle, then you are very good at communication and you are very good at opening and sharing. That the people who don’t achieve that level of communication are the ones that struggle hard in this world. And I think you guys are a perfect example of that. Heather, you were going to say something before I move on?
Heather (33:46)
Are you really?
no, we’re good.
Alonzo Banx (34:11)
Okay. So struggling. Now, one of the things that y’all brought up is your cup. So I would imagine that plays into your plea for help. One of you is struggling. How do you let the others know and how do the others show up for you?
Heather (34:25)
So earlier on in the, this was just cleared up recently, but Patty would tell me her frustrations about Bebe, something he wasn’t giving her, something he wasn’t doing for her or whichever. And then I would talk to Bebe and be like, hey, X, Y, and Z needs to happen because Patty’s feeling this way. So I would essentially be the middle man between them and help them communicate.
But I realized really quickly I don’t like doing that at all. I like assisting to an extent But it was becoming really frequent in the relationship where Patty would just tell me all the things and then I would have to you know I just didn’t like being the middleman anymore. So I just told Patty I’m done. You gotta talk to Bebe. I need you to communicate to Bebe because I I love helping Bebe
Jon (35:12)
Thanks.
Heather (35:19)
be a better person and rise to the occasion all the time. But in order for him to cultivate a deeper relationship with Patty, they needed to have better communication directly.
Patty (35:32)
We did do that too, like once Heather was like, I’m done, like, babe was like, hey, we’re gonna, let’s go have some food. And he was like, you can’t tell me these things. And we really had a good conversation and it was a good experience for me. And I was like, ⁓ like, you mean if I tell you like you didn’t text me enough until like two o’clock and my feelings were hurt, you’re not gonna run away from me? Like, it would be little things like that. Like I would feel like he doesn’t…
Alonzo Banx (35:42)
really have a good conversation.
mean, if I tell you, like, you didn’t text me enough until, like, 2 o’clock and my feelings were hurt, you’re not gonna run away from me. Like, it will be little things like that. ⁓
Jon (35:59)
You
Patty (36:01)
so, like, my cup would empty really quickly and I wouldn’t say anything. I would just wait and see if he’s gonna notice or, you know, so I’m learning to ask for what I want. I’m very used to John just intuitively knowing what I want. And, with the new partner, they don’t know that unless you tell them that. They don’t know what you want unless you tell them what you want.
So that is kind of newer for me. So we even are communicating on a deeper level that way, I think now.
Alonzo Banx (36:37)
John, you were saying that you had a hard time being emotionally open. So how does this play out for you? How do you call out for help and how do people show up for you?
Jon (36:47)
I don’t generally ask for much help in my life. It took me a while to be able to accept help when people just offered it to me and stuff, whatever. And that was a time when I would, even if somebody offered me money for paying me for some food or something like that or whatever, I used to be very like, no, no, no, it’s all good, it’s all good and stuff, whatever. But until somebody got angry with me and said, hey, listen, I’m wanting to give you money because I…
want to, I want to be able to give to you and stuff or whatever and that kind of translated over to the emotional side of things too that people want to be able to help you. Patty would like to know what it is that I need. She wants to feel like she’s helpful in my life and all these different things and stuff. So that’s what I’ve been learning over several decades of therapy but it’s super slow going for me.
Alonzo Banx (37:34)
It can be a hard thing to learn. We’re going to be running out of time here soon. So I want to hit on one more ⁓ critical question. You talked about moving in together. And I know that John, you and I have talked about this offline too. How do you deal with the community outside of the polycule? How do you deal with work? How do you deal with your children? You guys live very open compared to most. How?
Heather (37:55)
So yeah, their kids know everything, which is amazing. Our kids do not. They just see John and Patty as like deep relationships. And my kids even call Patty for help. So they just see them as our best friends. So once our kids are at an older age, because we have a
We have a 12 and a 13 year old that we feel is not ready to like totally mentally understand just because they haven’t grown up with this. So we also want to wait till they’re about 18 to really tell them more. And I don’t think it will become a huge shock to them because I’m very touchy feely with Patty when she’s around. I don’t think when we tell them that it’s going to be a huge shocker.
Patty (38:18)
did.
Heather (38:44)
When we move in together, we’ll just tell people that it’s for financial reasons.
Patty (38:49)
I’ve told my mom and my dad, along with my kids, and I’m preparing to tell my aunt and uncle. ⁓
Heather (38:57)
Yeah,
my little brother knows he came for a visit and he met both John and Patty and he even volunteered as tribute to officiate any ceremony that we have and he would get really pissed if somebody else did it.
Patty (39:08)
Yeah. re- I’m- You know what I- If I’m thinking back through our whole journey, I have not had a bad reaction to coming out as being Polly.
I think that it’s more fear than anything else for me. Like they might judge me or they might not want to be my friend or they might this or that. That’s never happened for me in my experience.
Jon (39:31)
I’m very drawn to being open with everybody. I don’t like kind of living what feels like an inauthentic life in a way. So super happy that the kids finally found out, even though it was not intentional. it’s quick. All right. All right. So.
Heather (39:45)
my God, I think you need to tell that story. How their kids found out. It’s quick.
Patty (39:46)
What’s the whole story?
not quit.
Heather (39:53)
Yeah, you make it quick. Come on, just
Bing Bing Boom that.
Jon (39:57)
How did this start? You’ll tell
Heather (39:59)
my god, this has to be quick.
Patty (40:00)
I’ll tell it. I’ll tell it. We’re real quick.
Alonzo Banx (40:00)
I’ll tell it real
Patty (40:02)
We were going camping with some of John’s friends to the Redwoods or Sequoias, me, Sequoias. We were planning a menu with those friends. John is an Excel spreadsheet kind of guy. put the menu into a spreadsheet. During that time, we decided we were becoming more active in the lifestyle. We met a huge amount of people at one time. And so John decided it would be funny to
Alonzo Banx (40:02)
We were going camping with some of John’s…
And so John decided that we could make
Patty (40:25)
put a spreadsheet together in Excel and he put all the details, what we’ve done, what they like, like all, I mean, all the details. Yes. So we have a vegetarian daughter who decided that she and her partner wanted to join us on that trip.
Alonzo Banx (40:26)
a putty and spread it together in itself. we put all the details of what we’ve done, what they like, like, oh, that game, oh, that game. So we have a vegetarian daughter who decided that she and her partner wanted to join us on that trip.
Heather (40:34)
names and stuff like that.
Patty (40:43)
And she said, Hey, can I ask John, can you send the spreadsheet because she’s going to need to know what to bring so that she can have some non-meat.
Alonzo Banx (40:43)
I asked John, can you send the spreadsheets because she’s going to need to know what to bring so that she can have some more
options. And he said, sure. Well, he sent the wrong spreadsheets. And her response was a sad emoji, can you send the other menu? So Sneak sent back the spreadsheet before John could delete it. All the siblings.
Patty (40:54)
options and he said sure well he sent the wrong spreadsheet and her response was a sad emoji can you send the other menu so she sent that spreadsheet before John could delete it to all the siblings
and all the siblings partners and they all talked about it and they all said see
Alonzo Banx (41:13)
and all the siblings, all the And we all talked about it and we all said, see,
Patty (41:20)
I told you your parents were in the lifestyle and I knew it and they had suspicions all along. Kids are very ⁓ intuitive. ⁓
Alonzo Banx (41:20)
I can tell you, I tell you, I’m in the lifestyle and I know it. And they had suspicions all along since the very end. And she didn’t. When I ultimately came out to my children, they looked at me and said, of course.
Heather (41:31)
intuitive.
Patty (41:37)
Our kids said, it’s like you’re coming out.
Jon (41:37)
You
Alonzo Banx (41:42)
Yep.
Heather (41:43)
Hahaha
Jon (41:44)
You
Heather (41:44)
I wish I could be more open than I am about it with work. I don’t necessarily hide it, but I don’t disclose any of my personal life. I’m sure some people have thoughts because as of late when Patty would call me or we’ll be talking, I sit in a cubicle in the middle of all these private offices. Everyone has their doors open.
I have my headset on and I’m talking to her and I don’t, I’m not quiet and I, you know, I try to tone my language down so they don’t get every little detail or try to be vague about things. But yeah, I just, I don’t know. I just don’t want that hassle right now. If they find out, they find out it’s not something that could be held against me or anything, but just rather keep it on the down low. Yeah. Professional.
Alonzo Banx (42:30)
Well, we are definitely on the edge of time. This has gone long, but you guys are an amazing view for people outside of the community. But I want to know how this worked for you guys tonight. As on the last time around, give me a takeaway that you have from this conversation with your own polycule tonight. And I’m going to start with Patty.
Patty (42:51)
my gosh, I felt like we talked about everything we kind of…
Heather (42:54)
you and I go.
Patty (42:56)
already know. I’m not sure if I learned anything completely new. Maybe the amount of jealousy Heather gets when I go see my vanilla friends, my besties. But really I feel like we communicate a lot so there wasn’t big surprises for me. ⁓ I think it just solidifies the amount of love and joy that
Jon (43:04)
You
You
Patty (43:21)
we have for each other.
Heather (43:23)
was just thinking that every time the all four of us together, it just keeps getting better and better, even though we’re all in our different spaces right now. But literally every time we spend any amount of group time together, I’m like, God, I love us. And I mean us, like the four of us. So yeah, it just intensifies every time.
Alonzo Banx (43:42)
So Heather, about, I’m sorry, Patty, go ahead.
Patty (43:42)
And then.
And the amount of laughter that Heather and I share, it’s embarrassing. yeah, if we’re together, people are annoyed because we’re just giggly, giggly, giggly the whole time.
Heather (43:47)
and bathrooms.
Jon (43:49)
you
Alonzo Banx (43:57)
Heather, how about you? What’s your takeaway from tonight?
Heather (44:00)
My takeaway from tonight, gosh, I guess how much growth we’ve been through in just one year. You know, one year is not a lot.
Alonzo Banx (44:07)
I think you guys are amazingly successful, especially for just being together a year. John, to you.
Jon (44:16)
There was one little piece that I learned today that I didn’t completely know before was that Heather and Bebe have sacred Saturday morning time. I don’t think I really put two and two together on that, but I go garage sailing every Saturday morning, so I think that’s fantastic. Everybody has a thing to do on Saturday. I got my own thing, stuff like that. I wasn’t fully aware of that until today.
Heather (44:41)
That’s new within the last two weeks. It wasn’t really established until two weeks ago.
Jon (44:43)
okay.
Alonzo Banx (44:47)
Mr. Beebe, how about you?
Jon (44:52)
Gotcha.
Alonzo Banx (44:53)
Mr. B, what’s your takeaway from this conversation?
Heather (44:56)
I would say my take is, is I did realize how jealous Patty got of over me. I knew she had it, but not as much. I knew.
Patty (45:07)
hide it. Process it internally
and externally with Heather.
Jon (45:11)
And I witnessed it.
Patty (45:12)
Everybody knows but me. That’s
Alonzo Banx (45:12)
He knows about me.
Heather (45:14)
That sounds about right. That’s about right.
Jon (45:14)
you
Patty (45:16)
you
Alonzo Banx (45:17)
You guys have been absolutely amazing. And the puppy too. Thank you. Heather, Beeb, John, Patty, thank you for a great night. This has been the Polly SoCal podcast. And good night.
Heather (45:23)
I had fun this evening.
Jon (45:24)
my god.
Patty (45:28)
Thank
Jon (45:29)
Thank you.
Patty (45:38)
Good night.
Heather (45:38)
Good night.