Last night’s PolySoCal podcast dove into one of the most challenging and relatable dynamics in open relationships: the uneven balance of attention and playtime between men and women. Our panel of voices shared personal stories of jealousy, reassurance, cultural bias, and creative solutions—like being your partner’s wingwoman, setting clear agreements, or simply learning to celebrate each other’s connections. The conversation was honest, vulnerable, and full of insights for anyone navigating polyamory or just curious about how real people handle these challenges
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome everyone again to the Polysocal podcast. I am Alonzo Banks and my God, do we have a conversation tonight? Talks about jealousy and inequality in playtime. We’ve got an amazing group in the house. Let’s get to it. Hi everybody.
Ash (00:16)
Hello.
Lana (00:17)
Hello.
Jon (00:17)
Hello!
Patty (00:17)
Hello.
Blake (00:17)
Hey, hey.
Heather (00:18)
Hello?
Max (00:19)
Hello?
Cupcake (00:19)
Hello!
Alonzo Banx (00:20)
Okay, so big
group tonight. Let’s do the introduce yourself thing. Miss Heather, why don’t you kick it off tonight?
Heather (00:28)
Hi, I’m Heather. I’m poly. I’m in a polycule with Patty and John and my husband is Beeps as you guys know him. And I’ve been in lifestyle for 10 years, poly for about two.
Alonzo Banx (00:42)
Welcome, welcome. And this is, God, you’ve been on a few times now. It’s like your fifth time talking with us. I’m welcome here. We love having you. Blake, welcome back. It’s your second time on tonight.
Heather (00:47)
I love being here.
Blake (00:54)
Howdy, howdy. Yes, so I’m in a relationship with Lana. We’ve been going out for about three and a half years and we’ve been monogamish since we started.
Alonzo Banx (01:07)
Well, welcome. And with that, let’s jump over to Lana.
Lana (01:09)
I’m Lana and I’m in relationship with Blake and I count myself as polysensual and we are monogamous.
Alonzo Banx (01:19)
and thrilled to have you here tonight. Mr. John. Hello, I’m John. I am married to Patty and I’m dating Heather. And we’ve to her that includes David Rump. I’ve been calling her for E &M for over 30 years now. And been on the podcast a few times. We’ll jump now to Ms. Patty.
Lana (01:21)
Thank you.
Jon (01:22)
Hello, I’m John. am married to Patty and I’m dating Heather in the polycule that includes Beeb as well. Been poly or E &M for over 30 years now.
I have.
Patty (01:41)
Hi, I’m Patti. I co-host with Alonzo. I’m married to John. I am dating Heather and Bebe, so we’re in a polycool. We’ve been in the lifestyle for, like John says, about 30 years. And yeah, I enjoy being here as well.
Alonzo Banx (01:58)
Yeah, I enjoy being here
as well. Awesome. New voice tonight, a deep voice, Mr. Max.
Max (02:05)
I guess it’s a deep voice too. So I’m Max. I am sex positive, been a kingster a long time. I’m a submissive male. I am demisexual and sapiosexual and somehow I got in here without being in a relationship.
Alonzo Banx (02:18)
Let’s jump over to Ash.
Ash (02:20)
Hi, I’m Ash. I am the hostess at most of our events and I have been with my partner for about seven years. We don’t have a unicorn or anything, but we are very open and loving people.
Alonzo Banx (02:32)
Thank you, Miss Cupcake. Welcome back.
Cupcake (02:34)
Hi.
I’m Cupcake. This is, think, my fifth recording. I have been married for three years, seeing my, or being with my husband about eight years. We’ve been open most of our relationship for experiences and just kind of learning what we want. We’ve been poly…
and fully open for about a year now. Noah is one of my partners and his partner Cookie is also one of my partners.
Alonzo Banx (03:01)
Good to have you as always. Mr. Noah, you are the cause of this conversation tonight from a comment that you made last week on our podcast. So let’s just introduce yourself and I’ll come back to your comment because you’re going to introduce the subject for
Noah (03:14)
Wow.
Alonzo Banx (03:17)
Who are you? Why are you here?
Noah (03:18)
Sounds perfect.
I am Noah. And as Cupcake said, I am in a relationship with her and also my quote unquote nesting partner, Cookie. And we’ve been together, all three of us for about a year or so. And it’s been a
wild ride, a great wild ride.
Alonzo Banx (03:42)
So the question for today.
Let’s talk about inequality in play and Noah, what was your statement on the last podcast that caused this whole thing to come
Noah (03:52)
Dick is cheap.
Alonzo Banx (03:55)
And in what context did that come up?
Noah (03:58)
Sure. So Dick is Cheap to me, uh, essentially is the line I use to abbreviate the fact that in these dynamics, um, there is a general, uh, consensus that women will get much more attention and much more, uh, uh, many more available potential partners than men will on average. And I’m sure there are
a thousand societal reasons for that being the case. But I think that as a man entering this kind of relationship, you’ll find that if you are going to do this with your female partner, you are going to find that they will have so many more opportunities than you do. And hopefully you are confident and self assured enough to deal with that.
Alonzo Banx (04:49)
And in keeping that, in the last probably three months, I have had at least five conversations with couples centered on exactly that topic, where the men in the group felt like they were being held back. They felt the disparity in playtime. And it was a real deterrent for them. And it was a problem for the relationship. So the question tonight is, is that perception real? And if so, how do you navigate it?
And I’m going to jump right out there with Miss Heather.
Heather (05:20)
Yes, I agree that most females going into a play event will get a lot of attention, sometimes probably unwarranted too much of attention and maybe not desired. But ? and I do feel honestly for a lot of minutes, definitely harder in the lifestyle to find play partners, poly partners, whatever you’re looking for. It’s going to be harder. I don’t think that’s always the case for every man.
Blake (05:31)
you
Heather (05:49)
But yeah, majority of them, yes.
Blake (05:51)
Okay.
Alonzo Banx (05:52)
Has anyone had any experiences with that?
Patty (05:55)
with which part in particular.
Alonzo Banx (05:56)
any of it.
Cupcake (05:58)
every day of my life. I mean, I’ve noticed this for as long as I can remember as far as in being in the dating pool. And I think I most noticed it at the very beginning because I used to be a very avid gamer. And
Alonzo Banx (06:00)
All right, cupcake, you jump down there, go with it for me.
Blake (06:11)
Okay.
Cupcake (06:20)
Back then, at least, it was way less common for women to play video games and to, you know, be more in the communications part of it where, you know, you’re interacting with people, speaking on, you know, voice apps and stuff like that, et cetera. And it was like a fly on shit. Like, just flies just everywhere you go. I’ve always…
Blake (06:25)
Thank
Cupcake (06:43)
been used to that and as far as someone that doesn’t have really great like self-esteem I always questioned it I was like this is weird but yeah
Alonzo Banx (06:50)
Interesting. So you found it to be very true.
Cupcake (06:54)
100%.
Alonzo Banx (06:55)
And how do you navigate that in your relationships? I know you’re with Noah, with your husband. How do you navigate that on a daily basis?
Blake (06:57)
Okay.
Cupcake (06:59)
Yeah, I mean… ?
I mean, we go to a lot of events, festivals and parties that are surrounded by those festivals, play parties, things like that. And I think it has a lot to do with your company. So like if you’re separated from your partner at that time, you all of a sudden get attention or things like that. But I also feel like a lot of the attention you’re getting, or at least I get, is not always
Blake (07:29)
All
Cupcake (07:29)
towards poly relationships. It’s more the people that are just looking for a hookup and to me it can be a compliment to an extent but then also kind of be like, thanks, no thanks. I’d prefer you just not talk to me or you know, like it’s definitely dependent on the situation. When I’m with my partner, I don’t get that as much as I feel like I do because those people are automatically assuming that, well I can’t.
you know, get myself in there at the time.
Blake (07:57)
Thanks.
Cupcake (07:57)
Yeah.
Alonzo Banx (07:58)
Noah, what do you think about that?
Noah (07:59)
Yeah, I mean, think from my perspective, my perspective is relatively unique. I have observed what I’m talking about and I have seen the attention to both Cupcake and Cookie Get in my relationships with them, which has never been a problem for me. However, I would say the dynamic that we have, the three of us that is, has
? been maybe a little bit more isolated as far as other male partners are concerned than maybe some other poly dynamics are, are, situated. I don’t, I suppose if I go into too much detail on that, we’ll probably get a whole lot of hate mail. Maybe we can do that if you like, but, I think that there is a combination of, often allow them to lead the way when it comes to finding
Alonzo Banx (08:35)
Thank
Patty (08:37)
Thank
Noah (08:46)
additional partners that we might be engaging with.
Alonzo Banx (08:48)
we engage in.
Noah (08:50)
I think it allows us to have a situation where we’re a little bit more ? at peace with who we’re finding if they are basically vetting partners and finding them themselves. You know, for instance, when we brought ? Cupcake into our dynamic, Cookie had actually found her on a dating app. And it was more in the sense of let’s start out as friends.
Alonzo Banx (08:51)
I think it allows us to have a situation where we’re a little bit more at peace with who we’re finding if they are basically vetting partners and finding them themselves. You know, for instance, when we brought cupcake and-
Noah (09:17)
And then it turned into something more. There was always kind of that aspect that it might be more, but it started out as a, as a friendship scenario, but I allow them to lead the way versus me trying to pursue a bunch of additional partners. And I think that, ? has helped me, a find partners and B allow them to find the partners that they’re interested in instead of, ? them opening themselves up to a bunch of solicitation. that makes sense.
Alonzo Banx (09:18)
I that has helped me A, find partners and B, allow them to find the partners that they’re interested in instead of them opening themselves up to a bunch of solicitations.
Have you ever had periods of jealousy where you’re feeling they’re getting play and you’re not?
And I know that’s different in your environment, but still a factor.
Noah (09:57)
It is different. for me, I have not personally been jealous. think the biggest deal, with jealousy is around fear of your partner being taken from you. And at least in the relationship that I have with both cupcake and cookie, I have not felt like our relationship is at risk when they’re playing with other people. And I think a lot of that has to do with their reassurance.
Patty (10:10)
Yeah.
Noah (10:23)
and the way that we communicate. We’re very clear in how we communicate. I know what the intentions are as we go through. Everyone’s very open and honest. I’m typically aware of who they’re with and what they’re doing and why they’re doing it, what their desires are, which for me really takes away any of my fear that they may leave me for someone else, right?
Alonzo Banx (10:45)
Absolutely. And I think one of the things that we have to point out at this point is that there are many ways that this comes to play. There are the couples that are just out playing for an evening. And then there are people that are dating and it’s is there other opportunities for dating. Blake, I’m going to get to you in a second. Heather, you had your hand up for a second. I was going to bounce off something Cupcake said. She mentioned.
Heather (11:02)
was going to bounce off something Cupcake said. She mentioned that
when she’s with her partner, she gets less attention. And I feel the same way when Beeb’s next to me. I don’t have men approaching me. But I do actually will engage with a man who does approach me when Beeb is next to me. That speaks volumes to me.
Alonzo Banx (11:07)
She’s with your partner. She gets less attention. And I feel the same way. When Bede’s next to me, I don’t have men approaching me. But I do actually well engage with a man who does approach me when Bede is next to me. That speaks volumes to me.
But I do see the same with Bede. He goes to Wi-Fi events with and without me.
Heather (11:28)
But I do see the same with Beep. He goes to lifetime events with and without me.
If I walk away from him and I go do my own thing, he will have a flock of women.
Alonzo Banx (11:36)
If I walk away from him and I go do my own thing, he will have a flock of women.
Heather (11:42)
He’s very popular. plays way more than I do. And I sometimes put him in and just jealousy because he gets a lot more games than I do.
Alonzo Banx (11:42)
He’s very popular. He plays way more than I do. And I sometimes have a manage to see because he gets a lot more things than
I do. It’s the beard. Yeah, it’s the beard. Blake, you are going to say something. Yeah.
Heather (11:53)
It is.
Lana (11:53)
you
Blake (11:57)
Yeah, so
we have operated with the understanding that we’re not dating separately, that we’re basically doing our play together for the most part. But there still has been a difference in terms of flirtatiousness. And so one of the things that’s really come up for me is an awareness that she’s always going to be
Alonzo Banx (12:07)
But there still has been a difference in terms of flirtatiousness. And so one of the things that’s really come up for me is an awareness that she’s always going to be
much more flirtatious than I am. She just naturally is. And so a big part of being able to engage in a lifestyle has to do with just appreciating her for who she is and to see her when she is.
Blake (12:19)
much more flirtatious than I am. She’s just naturally is. And so a big part of being able to engage in the lifestyle has to do with just appreciating her for who she is and to see her when she is
being flirtatious with others as really to be able to celebrate that. So that’s been the big thing for me. And recently we’ve taken kind of the hot girlfriend trope.
Alonzo Banx (12:36)
Nice. Patty, please.
Blake (12:47)
And we’ve gone to parties thinking of it as like hot girlfriend, cool boyfriend. So I’m basically cool with whatever she does. And that is really making parties a lot more enjoyable for us.
Patty (13:04)
I think I have experienced the same thing where it is a lot easier for women than it is for men. I do think there are things that make a guy stand out more, particularly a single guy, things that he can do to make himself stand out more. And I think for me and John personally, if we go to a lifestyle event,
Alonzo Banx (13:21)
I for me and John personally, if we go to a lifestyle event,
Patty (13:27)
I don’t typically
Alonzo Banx (13:27)
I don’t…
Patty (13:27)
go off with a male on my own unless I know that John is doing something too or we are together because I don’t like the feeling I get with him sitting out, maybe just having casual conversation by himself and I’m off with some other guy. Now women are the exception. I do whatever I want. But for me, that feels best for us and I’m a really good wingman.
Alonzo Banx (13:33)
John is doing something too.
Patty (13:54)
I will go up to a girl and I’ll say, ? hey, do you like my husband? Well, he likes you. I think you should go do X, Y, and Z. Or I think you guys should go out on a date. I think, you know, so I do do that too, because I think if, unless you have a certain type of charisma, it’s a lot harder for males and then even harder for single males in the lifestyle.
Alonzo Banx (14:11)
Unless you have a certain type of charisma, it’s a lot harder for males and it’s even harder for females in the lifestyle.
Patty (14:23)
and also in a poly dynamic. And then I believe ? in a poly meet and greet, if a single guy is just going up and just chatting people up as a friend, trying to get to know people
Alonzo Banx (14:23)
And also in a party dynamic. I I believe in a party, you need to agree that the single guy is just going up and just chatting, hooper up as a friend, trying to get to know people.
Patty (14:38)
instead of with an end goal, that comes across so much better. And if you just talk to everybody and become friends with everybody, your chances of finding a good connection are going to go up significantly.
Alonzo Banx (14:50)
? absolutely. I mean, I can tell you that in some of my relationships, when a guy approaches us and says hello to me before her, gain serious points.
Patty (14:58)
Agreed.
Alonzo Banx (15:01)
Mr. John though, I want to address what Patty was just saying about your relationship. Let’s jump back over to you. How do you feel about that? How was she at being a wing woman?
Jon (15:11)
Yeah, I always appreciate when she’s my wing woman.
I think how I experienced this is that it’s a lot like maybe dating apps and stuff. I don’t have a lot of experience with dating apps, but I ? read about like the athlete Madison data breach and they really found that I think it was like seven men to each single female account on there and stuff, whatever. It’s like a
Alonzo Banx (15:16)
How I experienced this is that it’s a lot like dating apps and stuff. I don’t have lot of experience with dating apps. But I have read about the Anthony Madison data breach. And I really found that seven men to each single female or countdown men or stuff like that,
there’s a stark difference in how many men are available versus how many women are available in this sort scenario.
Jon (15:36)
a stark difference, right? In how many men are available versus how many women are available in this sort of scenario.
So just from a numbers perspective, I ? think it’s difficult to come to a party, come to anything where there’s so much more competition between men for attention ? and just so much availability for women. It’s just the state of the world, I think.
Alonzo Banx (15:44)
Just from a numbers perspective, think it’s difficult to come to a party, come to anything where there’s so much more competition between men for attention and there’s so much availability for women. It’s just the state of the world,
Heather (15:54)
Thank
Alonzo Banx (16:04)
think. It is. And you talk about the statistics. I did a little research, obviously, for tonight and came up with some pretty good places.
Heather (16:04)
it
Alonzo Banx (16:12)
16 % of married couples in the US said they would want to be involved in polyamory, 10 % say they have, and of the single population, the ratio is five to one, men to women.
So when you look at those numbers, unicorns are unicorns for a reason.
Mr. Max, and I’ll get to you in a second, Mr. Max, you’ve been very quiet.
Max (16:31)
Yes.
? yeah, I guess
I wasn’t sure where to play off of things, but, ? going back, guess to our, our, where, where this all started, you know, dick is cheap. maybe, but I think it’s also, Dick is very willing and Dick is very aggressive. And also it’s, I think men are often very open to women and not very open to men. So they already.
focus what they’re focusing on, whereas women in general are open to men and are open to women and are just more open. So there’s more options, there’s more going on. And then you have all those societal things like that, what Cupcake, and you know, encountered in gaming. And I’m like, I was a gamer and it just, there weren’t women in that space. So if a woman showed up, had a lot of men who, A, weren’t used to like having women in their space. So they just didn’t know what to do.
and then, you know, they have all these feelings in their adolescence and they just go with them. And it just, you know, it’s a very, it was a very toxic environment for women. And, you know, and there are a lot of these environments we’re used to going into where the men are being aggressive and the women are used to playing defense. And so you get that dynamic just all over the place. I mean, as opposed to going somewhere where it’s mostly women and you’re a man and you’re like, this is weird. And you kind of don’t know what to do.
Alonzo Banx (17:58)
No, you had something to add onto that?
Noah (17:59)
Yeah, I think I do agree. And I guess I want to make sure that I’m not, okay. I want to make sure that I’m not turning this into, woe is men, right? Cause that’s not how I feel at all for sure. I think the, the situation is, is cultural and I think it’s explained a lot by what you said. And also
You know, we have a situation that we’ve created in our culture where women typically wait for a man to come and ask her out where men are expected to do that. I personally, and I don’t feel like I’m, you know, necessarily a one out of 10 men. I’ve only been asked out by probably three or four women my whole life. Right. But I’ve done probably a hundred times that, ? for other women. Right.
Alonzo Banx (18:34)
I personally, and I don’t feel like I’m necessarily a one out of 10 man, I’ve only been asked out by probably three or four women my whole life. But I’ve done probably 100 times that for other women.
Noah (18:49)
And not all of them said yes. And I would expect that to be true for anyone, right? Even Brad Pitt. And it is a numbers game. It’s just like in any part of sales. When you’re dating, it’s a sales game. You’re
Alonzo Banx (18:49)
And not all of them said yes. And I would expect that to be true for anyone, even Brad Pitt. And it is a numbers game, it’s just a game of sales. When you’re dating, it’s a sales game.
Noah (19:03)
trying to be something worth buying, right? And hopefully when a man asks a woman out, that man feels like he has something worth purchasing from her or for her to purchase rather. And I think it is
hard when, when men hear no often and hear that women don’t like the attention on occasion. But I think it’s all circumstantial and there’s the right time, right place. And that’s just how it is. Women have to be able to say no and men have to be able to try.
Alonzo Banx (19:32)
I agree. Ms. Lana, Heather, I know you wanted to say something too, and Ash, I haven’t got to you yet, but Lana, you were nodding your head away on that one. You looked like you kind of agreed with something he was saying.
Lana (19:42)
So I do believe in the right timing, right place, right people. And yes, I know I like to be asked. I’m not gonna ask, especially if I’m in a relationship with Blake. It’s easy for me for him to have somebody he’s agreed to play or just approach. And after I gonna go as a thread after my needle. It’s how in my head, it’s easy.
Alonzo Banx (20:09)
easy
so it’s his own pleasure I choose my feet over my pleasure if he’s happy I want to be happy with him nice Heather you were looking like you had something you wanted to say
Lana (20:10)
So it’s peace and pleasure. I choose my peace over my pleasure. If he’s happy, I’m gonna be happy no matter what.
Heather (20:25)
I’m gonna agree that men are usually more the ones asking women out, but I am that woman who will ask a man out 100 % of the time. I will aggressively insert myself in their space and also objectify you. Just saying no. I did it recently and it worked out really well for me.
Alonzo Banx (20:25)
just going to agree that men are usually more…
I am
Well, think it’s an important realization that those
Max (20:44)
Nice, that’s hot.
Noah (20:51)
I’ll tell you what,
when a man gets that kind of attention, it feels good.
Heather (20:54)
He felt really good too.
Alonzo Banx (20:57)
I think it’s important to keep in mind that
the people that are in this conversation tonight are the atypical ones. the fact that you are the aggressive, the fact that you are willing to be your man’s wingwoman. I think that’s part of what makes it work. I mean, we’re talking about how do you manage the inequity? And kind of the common thread here is I think so far everyone has agreed, there is an inequity.
But what I’ve heard is, and the way you manage that is both expectations and assistance. jump out here for me. We left you in silence all night.
Ash (21:32)
It’s quite alright. So I do feel like it is way easier for females to get attention, especially with the dating app thing. It’s almost overbearing. I feel like a big part of it also has to do with approach because women are emotional creatures and men are more physical, that they come at it in a more mannerism that’s a little too direct for most females, which makes them shy away because they want to be emotionally connected with before
forehand and most dudes will just be like, hey, here’s a dick pic. What do you think? we’re, you know, I don’t even know your fucking name, dude. Like, come on. So I feel like it really is an issue. And like, when it comes to like the couple thing, like, you know, one of the first things that like my partner had ever said to me when we first started dating is I went to go do a nude photo shoot. And I was like, hey, just so you know, I do this occasionally. And he’s like, you know, it would be very
Max (22:04)
Hahaha
Ash (22:26)
disrespectful of me to the world if I was to keep you all to myself because you were too beautiful not to share and I almost fell out of my chair. I was like, that’s by far the sweetest thing I think anyone’s ever fucking said to me. So like, know, you know, when it comes to like going out to play, like it is easier for the female to kind of lead the role and you know, guide the situation, depending on set and setting, of course, you know, and
When it comes to guys, it’s just a matter of your game. Like if you’re too direct, like we get that shit on the internet all the time. We get that shit from cat calling all the time. We don’t care about that. Like you have to be suave and have some sort of manners about you.
Alonzo Banx (23:06)
You know what I’m hearing consistently tonight and Patty I’ll get you a second. What next week’s conversation is going to be, which is how a man should approach a polycule because man there’s been a lot of talking around that topic tonight. I think we named next week’s conversation. Patty, you were going to say something.
Patty (23:26)
I was just gonna go off of what Ash was commenting about the directness. I do appreciate directness sometimes. What I also agree with Noah though too is that ? women are on the defensive sometimes in society and I think the reason for that is not just
Alonzo Banx (23:37)
I also agree with Noah, though, too, in that ? women are on the defensive sometimes in society. I think the reason for that is not just
Patty (23:51)
a guy approaching you with interest, it’s ? the type of attention, particularly ?
Alonzo Banx (23:51)
about opportunity with interests. It’s the type of attention, particularly
I
think it shocks me how rude some people can be. And I think I want to come back to that. It’s going to be our next week’s conversation clearly, because it’s obviously a very hot topic. But I want to stick on what tonight’s topic is, which is inequity and how do we manage it?
Ash, did you have a comment on that side or was it on the next week’s conversation? Next week. Okay, so I’m going ask you to hang on to that for the week and make sure you’re Noah. Yes.
Ash (24:26)
Next week’s conversation, I can wait.
Noah (24:31)
Yeah. So this might be where we get hate mail. So we can be specific on how I manage this. So Cupcake and Cookie and I are in a Dom sub dynamic where they are both subs and I would be the Dom and we have rules that they must follow. And, no, I am not limited by these same rules.
Max (24:34)
you
Noah (24:55)
And we can talk about what that means another time, I’m sure. But the rules specifically say that if anyone approaches them with interest, that they are to talk to me immediately about it, whether it’s give me a call, a text, whatever, and tell me how they feel about it what they want to do and how they, whether they feel safe or not safe or what, right? And then we can kind of come to a conclusion of whether or not this is going to be a healthy situation.
I have my reasoning for this and we can go into it if we have time, but that is how we manage this in our relationship.
Alonzo Banx (25:31)
Nice. And like you said, we may get some hate mail over that, but it works for you and you’ve answered the question. That’s how you manage it. Communication and boundaries and whether those rules fit other people, they fit you and it works. Heather, I’m going to get to you, but I’m to let Cupcake go first considering she’s someone bound by those rules.
Max (25:35)
you
Ash (25:39)
communication.
Cupcake (25:51)
Yeah, and I mean, I’m just gonna support the roles. If you’ve been listening to the podcast, I’ve expressed previous trauma that I’ve had in my younger years. And something that I appreciate so much about this is those rules. I feel protected. I feel like I’m able to have more of an internal conversation by him asking me those things.
which gives me time to process how I feel before going into that situation. So, I mean, I support it 100%.
Alonzo Banx (26:22)
Thank you for adding that perspective. really helps. know for a lot of people outside the BDSM world, they don’t really understand all the dynamics that happen in it. And that was very well said and answered Noah’s position. I think he just killed all the hate mail though. I was hoping to get the hate mail. Heather, you had something to say.
Max (26:40)
You still will.
Heather (26:40)
Well, how do I manage it? Because I, Bieber definitely is more active in lifestyle. He goes out on dates more often than I do. He plays more often than I do. ? And partly that’s my choice too. I’m focused on school, so I put that first. ? I focus on the love we have and
Alonzo Banx (26:42)
appreciate it because um, Bieber is more active in my style, he goes out on dates more often than I do, he plays more often than I do, um, and probably that’s my choice too. I’m focused on school so I put that first. Um, the focus on the love we have and
Heather (27:09)
faith in our relationship, I really
Alonzo Banx (27:09)
faith in our relationship, I really
Heather (27:11)
try not to let negative thoughts overwhelm my brain space. And keeping myself busy helps a lot too.
Alonzo Banx (27:12)
try not to let negative thoughts overwhelm my brain space. And keeping myself busy helps a lot too.
Nice. So I’m to bring this around to a closing round of questions for everyone. John, I’m going to pick on you first. What I’m looking for is keeping in mind that most of our audience are people new to the community, people who aspire to find the balance that everyone on this call has.
What would your advice be and what takeaways do you have from tonight for a couple specifically in handling the inequality in playtime from either perspective?
Jon (27:53)
Okay. Let’s see here. My advice, I guess, first is I think you’re going to have to suck it up. Like, that’s the way that the world is around us and we all experience it the same rough way and we deal with it in our own personal ways. I think you got to find the way that you find a way that works with your partner or partners that works for you. ? I see that
Alonzo Banx (27:55)
My advice, I guess first, is I think you’re going to have to suck it up. This ? is the way that the world is around us and we all experience it the same rough way and we deal with it in our own personal ways. I think you’ve got to find a way that works with your partner or partners, that works for you.
Jon (28:22)
? Noah, Cupcake and Cookie have figured things out in their own way, which is fantastic. And I think Heather, Patty and I can be managing our own way. And it is going to be a struggle, but to know what it is and to have a…
Alonzo Banx (28:23)
? know our cupcake and cookie and figure things out in our own way, which is fantastic. ? And I think Heather, Patty, and I can be managing our way. And it is going to be a struggle, ? but to know what it is and to have
a…
Jon (28:41)
have a relationship with the people that you’re with, that you can communicate this stuff openly and respectfully, I think it’ll be fine.
Alonzo Banx (28:41)
have a relationship with the people that you’re with that you can communicate with openly and respectfully. think it’ll be
fine. Communication. It’s always the key to everything we talk about. And let’s go to your wing woman, Patty.
Same question to you. What advice and what takeaways from tonight?
Patty (29:00)
I think if you go into the lifestyle looking to make friends and connections without going to an event all the time expecting to get play action, your experience is going to be a lot better because then you go in looking to have a good time and meet people.
versus always going in with an end goal and feeling disappointed often enough that you’re gonna reaffirm that in your head all the time. People aren’t interested, male, nobody wants to be with me. And if you have that experience, that energy shows to potential upcoming partners. So I think if you are just getting into the lifestyle, go in just to meet friends, people who are like-minded.
and get to know a community of people and then from there you will have opportunities.
Alonzo Banx (29:52)
I think that’s brilliant. Cupcake, what’s your thoughts? What’s your takeaway from tonight?
Cupcake (29:56)
I can’t remember who had mentioned it, but you know, trying to be a wing woman. I’ve been trying to be a wing woman for my husband. Because it is. It’s a lot to do with the amount of the equality in attention. again, as Noah’s mentioned, and I met on a dating app. You know, we expected it to be a friendship, know, things like that. I wasn’t really expecting anything out of it.
besides that, except also connecting with people in my community. And, you know, not really expecting that, you know, the four of us started our friendship first, and then the dynamic I have with Cookie and Noah kind of blossomed separately from my husband being mostly included. To be fair, we’re in a very kitchen table, all friends. I mean, what I’m bringing up right now is like,
Alonzo Banx (30:38)
That works.
Cupcake (30:43)
I’ve been trying to kind of motivate my husband to try, because he has the mindset of there’s too many men. What’s the point? It’s a lot of effort, know, things like that. last night, all five of us, including someone that my husband is kind of starting to see, all hung out together, and it was…
Alonzo Banx (30:51)
There’s too many.
Cupcake (31:07)
a wonderful, vulnerable, and just, you know, connecting experience. And to be fair, this person, he’s no longer than me. And I kind of reconnected with them at Run Fair, and they had hooked up a year before me and my husband even met. And I was like, well, you know, we’re open, you know? And so that kind of blossomed from there, and I’m excited to see how that goes for him.
Alonzo Banx (31:35)
Nice. And we look forward to the conversation with all five of you on an interview. Blake, go ahead, please.
Blake (31:41)
Yeah, I think a big part of it
is ? intentions and agreements. So to communicate before, like when you’re about to go into a play situation, what are you each looking for? What have you agreed is okay. And we have boundaries for ourselves, but we have agreements in a partnership. So those are really important. And then I think also the importance of affirming after. There was a situation recently where Lana played a wingwoman role very beautifully.
Alonzo Banx (32:04)
There was a situation recently where Lana played the wing woman role very beautifully.
Blake (32:09)
And afterward I told her my appreciation of that and I think that was important.
Alonzo Banx (32:10)
And afterward, I told her my appreciation of that and I think that was important. Aha, Lana wing woman. You want to talk about that?
Lana (32:20)
I like to be with women. I’m just starting to feel these feelings and play bigger than I think I could play. And with respect and communication, I think it’s possible. And it’s only beginning. Everything is ahead of us. So looking forward for a wonderful time together. And with this community, of course.
Alonzo Banx (32:29)
I think it’s possible. And it’s only the beginning. will spend a lot of time with you. I will come forward for a wonderful time together. And we will communicate.
Lana (32:47)
communication, boundaries, agreement, just be honest and play fair.
Alonzo Banx (32:52)
Mr. Max.
Max (32:53)
Yes, so I had, I made, I took notes. When it comes to the jealousy thing, from my perspective, I think everyone has to remember, you can be jealous of two different things. You can be so like, when Noah was talking about it, he’s like, well, I’m not jealous because I’m secure in my relationship, right? At least that’s what I heard. And that is awesome. And everyone should hopefully get to that point. But you could still also just be jealous of not getting any
play, you were hoping to get play. you know, and, and I think people have to remember, some people they feel and they know they’re feeling jealous, but they don’t know. Men aren’t, I think, as good at understanding our emotions because we’re just not supposed to have them. So we often don’t understand even what we’re feeling. So then we just think we’re jealous of a partner and right, it goes downhill. The other thing we’ve talked a lot about is the friend approach.
Patty (33:36)
Yeah.
Alonzo Banx (33:42)
The other thing we talked a lot about was the friend department.
Max (33:45)
So I’m demisexual and I only really understood it pretty late in life. And I would always run into the, know, I’d meet someone, I wasn’t really attracted to them. I got to know them, I became attracted to them. And then they thought it was a move. It was, I was biding my time and the friendship didn’t mean anything because I just wanted to get in the bed with them from the start.
Alonzo Banx (33:45)
I’m going to get you. And I only really understood it pretty late in life. And I would always run into the, you know, I’d meet someone, I wasn’t really attracted to them. I got to know them, I became attracted to them. And then they thought it was a move, it was I was fighting my time and the friendship didn’t mean anything because I just wanted to get to know them from the start.
Max (34:11)
it’s a lot of the problems that I run into.
part of me is like telling men, okay, just approach all women as friendship. I’m like, well, that’s a trap too. I mean, you know, if you’re being honest about it, coming to these events to meet more people, right? It’s definitely a good thing, but it feels a little like dangerous.
Alonzo Banx (34:30)
Clearly this is going to be next week’s conversation is how to get yourself in but I want to recap something you were saying and it’s very true when we start feeling jealousy it’s sometimes hard to differentiate between FOMO and jealousy of my partner playing with someone else I know I’m getting jealous but am I getting jealous of them playing or am I getting jealous of the fact that I’m not?
And I think that’s a really big distinction that you have to make. And Ash, I want to hit on you and then we’ll do a final close. I didn’t give you a chance to tell us what your takeaways were, what your thoughts are on tonight.
Ash (35:03)
So ? for takeaways, I’d definitely probably have to agree with the way Noah and Cookie and Cupcake have things set up. I think a clear set of rules would be very, very important because then there’s no slip ups. There’s no room for error. If you guys all understand and agree to what is happening, then if a partner does go off and play with someone, they can’t be like, well, well, you didn’t do this and you didn’t do that when they were unaware of what makes everybody feel comfortable.
Alonzo Banx (35:30)
Absolutely. So I think for me, the takeaway from tonight is the struggle is real, except that it’s part of being in the community. And on the backside, the two things that seem to be working are when the partner who’s getting more play steps up and helps be a wingman or a wing woman, and then having good boundaries and ways to actually understand what works for you. Everyone kind of agree with that takeaway?
Everyone agree that next week we’re going to be talking about the best way to approach a polycule and not make a fool out of yourself. All right. This has been another week of the PolysoCal podcast. Heather, Blake, John, Lana, Noah, Patty, wow, what around? Ash, Max, everyone was in tonight. It was absolutely awesome having you all here. Thank you very much for being on.
Lana (36:05)
Yes, yes.
Ash (36:06)
Yes.
Noah (36:06)
yeah.
Ash (36:21)
Thank you.
Patty (36:21)
Thank you.
Jon (36:22)
Thank
Alonzo Banx (36:22)
Good night.
Lana (36:22)
Thank you.
Noah (36:22)
Thank you.
Cupcake (36:22)
Thank you.