Hosted by Alonzo Banx, this episode of the PolySoCal Podcast brings together a group of men—Jon, Beeb, Craig, Blake, Max, and Noah—for an unfiltered conversation about what it really takes to show up in shared spaces and non-monogamous dynamics. They tackle hard truths about ego, consent, communication, and emotional responsibility, sharing both personal insights and practical advice. It’s an honest and at times vulnerable conversation about growing into the kind of man who builds trust, not tension, and creates real connections, not performative participation. A must-listen for anyone who wants to understand how men are stepping up in this space.
Participants: Alonzo Banx, Jon, Beeb, Craig, Blake, Max, Noah
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
I Alonzo Banks and this is the Polysocal Podcast. Tonight we have part two of a series where we’re talking to people about what to expect as you come into this community. Last week we had the ladies on, tonight we have an all-men’s crew. So with that, hi everybody.
Beeb (00:20)
Hello.
Blake (00:21)
Howdy, howdy.
Noah (00:21)
Yeah,
how’s it going?
Max (00:22)
Hello?
Alonzo Banx (00:23)
Alright, so let’s go around the room and see who’s in tonight, Mr. John.
Say hello, tell people who you are.
Jon (00:27)
Hello.
Hello there. I am John. am currently in a poly-polycule relationship with Heather, my girlfriend, Patty, my wife, and Ebe, who is my metamor. And there are other molecules attached to that polycule as well. But I’ve been at it for about 30 years. As you may have heard in other ⁓
other podcasts as well, but I look forward to sharing some of my insights that I have crushed into over my time.
Alonzo Banx (00:57)
it’s great to have you back tonight. So let’s with that jump off to another member of your polyhedral, Mr. Beebe.
Beeb (01:03)
Hello, thanks for having me back. Like John said, I’m in a polycool with Patty as my girlfriend, Heather is my wife, and we’ve been together just over a year in our polycool.
Alonzo Banx (01:15)
Welcome. It’s good to have you back again, Let’s jump to Cray.
Craig (01:19)
Hi everybody, my name’s Craig and I am not a part of the community. You can kind of call me the the rookie
Alonzo Banx (01:28)
And we’re going to have some interesting questions from Mr. Craig tonight because we’ve had a lot of conversations. With that, let’s jump over to Blake.
Blake (01:37)
Howdy, howdy,
I’m Blake and my partner is Blake and we have been together for about three years and we have been probably for all that time, but first year or so we were mainly working on building our foundation.
And so it’s only been since then that we’ve been more open to play with folks and ⁓ we have not expanded our polycule. We’re just playing.
Alonzo Banx (02:05)
Nice. All right, so we have two deep voices in the room tonight and we’ll start with the first of the deep voices, Mr. Max. Welcome back, sir.
Max (02:13)
I’m Max. I am a single submissive man who’s demisexual, but I’m very sex positive, kink friendly, open to the community. I think that’s how I am a part of it, yet I’m a single man, usually the pariah.
Alonzo Banx (02:30)
a voice who’s been with us a few times now probably what is fifth or sixth talk tonight Mr. Noah.
Max (02:31)
you.
Noah (02:37)
Hi, yeah, I am Noah and I am currently in a poly relationship with the cookie, my nesting partner of a few years now and with cupcake who we have had as our third member of our group here for the last about a year and maybe some change at this point.
Blake (02:44)
you
Alonzo Banx (02:56)
So the conversation tonight really is best summarized, I think, in two different parts. One is expectation management. And the other is, if you expect to get any play, don’t be a dick. I think those are probably the two highlights of tonight’s conversation and getting opinions from people. I know that.
It’s a common belief that there’s not a lot of women in this world. can tell you we just had twice as many women on the call tonight as we have men on this one. And there’s a way for men to approach getting into this lifestyle and there’s expectations that come with it. With that, who’s going to jump out and give me some good pointers to someone who is just thinking about coming into this lifestyle?
Blake (03:34)
So. Okay.
Alonzo Banx (03:42)
What would you say to them? Mr. John, you’ve got a few years on this. What would you think?
Jon (03:48)
⁓ So, yes, I think if you’re just getting into it, if you’re just exploring it, I think one of the things you need to be prepared
for is the, really the exchange that’s going to happen with you and your, if you’re with a partner. Actually, you know, let me take this back to just like a single person trying to get into this. If you’re a single person, you’re looking to connect, I would definitely focus on making real connections, making
friendly connections, trying to meet people at an intellectual level. Don’t come in with your dick first. Don’t be so eager to jump into the sexual side of this lifestyle, especially in poly because there’s always been a difference between poly and swinging in that.
Blake (04:21)
Okay.
Jon (04:38)
when you’re poly, they tend to be a little bit more shy about the sex side
and they don’t want it to be the focus of what’s going on because it’s more of the emotional connection. Where swinging sometimes is kind of the opposite, where they’re looking for a good time and they don’t want to get emotions too involved because they’re just really looking for it to like spice up a sex life or do something fun. But yeah, make connections. Meet people, meet a variety of people.
Blake (04:44)
.
you
Jon (05:07)
get little bit involved and ⁓
Blake (05:08)
.
Jon (05:10)
at some point, you know, start going to some parties. If you get some invitations to a party, ⁓ be normal. Don’t be creepy, you know. Approach people like you would like within your own family or at work or something like that, you know. Don’t start with the sex stuff. It scares people away quickly.
Blake (05:19)
you
Alonzo Banx (05:27)
I think that’s great advice. doesn’t matter what you’re in. If you’re in for the sex, if you’re in a ⁓ sex club or a poly party, as you say, don’t lead with your in with a handshake, talk to people first. It goes a long, long way. Mr. Noah, you’re nodding away there. What do you think of that?
Blake (05:32)
Okay.
Jon (05:37)
you
Max (05:45)
you
Noah (05:46)
Yeah, no, I think that point really can’t be driven home hard enough in a lot of ways.
think, you know, when you are especially a single man coming into this kind of environment, and if you have been invited to a party or you have, you know, shown up to a party where there was more of an open invite, you need to treat everyone, male, female, people you’re into, people you’re not into, the same.
that is if you are only there to get laid, you are going to be singled out as a creep immediately and probably either ostracized or at least avoided. And you’re really going to have a hard time making friends that way. I think you need to come into this and realize that everyone who’s there is more than one thing. They’re more than their sexual self.
They are all there to meet other people, to make new relationships, whether that’s friends or mentors or romantic partners. If you have expectations of just a quick, easy night to get laid, you’re gonna be sorely disappointed.
Alonzo Banx (06:52)
Max, you raised your hand. I was going to come to you next anyway. As a
I Am Single and I Play in the Sex Community, how does all this resonate with you?
Max (07:02)
So while I definitely agree, be polite, I kind of also disagree with a lot of what both John and Noah just said. One of the problems that a single guy has when he comes in and he follows the exact advice you guys gave is that starting at a deep level, A, we have trouble, sometimes we come off needy when we do it.
because we’re just, not necessarily great at it or we’ve been, you know, conditioned other ways. But also then it’s overwhelming when you’re one person and there’s a relationship that’s two people, three people, or two people and they have things and there’s so much going on, it can be overwhelming and it’s daunting. And then you, you know, rely on what you know, which is leading with your dick and you get in all sorts of trouble.
I like the thing of it is you want to come in and be like, it’s, you know, you’re like, Hey, you know, that’s why I always say sex positive. It’s like, I’m open to a lot of things and you, don’t think it’s leading that, I’m here for sex to talk to. We’re in, we’re in an environment where talking about sex is an okay thing. Right.
things that you like, things that you don’t like, that are taboo, that other places you can’t even have a real discussion about because it’s immediately gonna go to locker room jokes or immediately people are offended and running out of the room. And here’s a place where you can finally talk about it. You can talk about those things. And I think that’s a nice, not, you know, super shallow level, but it’s that nice step forward where you can talk about it. And while I’m not trying to be everyone’s friend, I’m trying to talk about interests that we have together.
And then friendships will evolve more organically around, know, around how normal friendships evolve and whether you’re then going to get play then opens up when, you know, a lady hears that, hey, you’re really into pegging and maybe you’re talking about what you do to be clean and prepared for it. And then she realizes, if a guy didn’t want to get pegged, it might’ve had nothing to do with me, but he like had Mexican food last night and…
you know, realized he needed the shower and is like, I don’t want, I don’t want bad things to happen. So there’s, there’s this middle ground that I think is helpful for single people. mean, that’s why I get like, I get invited to something and they’re like, yeah, no single men are allowed. I’m like, well, why are you inviting me?
Blake (09:27)
Haha.
Alonzo Banx (09:28)
John, I’m going to get to you and I know that Noe has something too, but I can tell you, Max, that the reason that you get invited as a single man to some of our parties, which is a very rarity, is because you do conduct yourself very well.
the that you approach people, the way that you talk to people, you have always been a welcome addition to every party, even when you’re single. So I turned down a lot of men for being single. You fit in very, very well and are always welcome at our events. John, you had some retort to that though.
Jon (09:59)
Honestly, not really a retort. I do agree in a lot of what Mac is saying, but I think what you’re seeing too is really it’s about like reading the room, right? You’re walking in. If it’s a sexually charged environment and people are talking about sex and things like that or whatever, I think that that’s totally valid. You want to make sure that people know who you are, what you’re open to and stuff like that, if that’s what the party is kind of about, I think.
Blake (10:05)
you
Jon (10:24)
But just as a, for me anyway, just as a safety rule, like if you were to come up to Patty and I, if we’re at a party and stuff or whatever, and you’re just like, hey, you guys want to check out my dick and stuff or whatever, we’ll pass. But if you engage us in some way, even in just like, so what brings you to the party, is it a kink party? Are you here to explore something like that? So this is my kind of thing. We’d be totally open to hearing about that. we would consider it in our path if we’re…
Blake (10:29)
Okay.
Max (10:33)
Ha
Jon (10:53)
That was something that was appealing to what we were looking for.
Alonzo Banx (10:58)
Beb, Greg, I see that you have something you want to say, but nowhere your hand was up first. What was it you wanted to add?
Noah (11:03)
Yeah, I think just to add to that, I think we’re really probably a lot on the same page. You know, there’s a big difference between, you know, hi, my name is Noah. It’s great to meet you. You know, how did you guys get into the lifestyle? Right. That might be a decent opener, maybe not the best one, but it’s a start. Right. Versus, hey, I’m into pegging. Do you want to peg me? Right. That’s a whole other conversation. It’s probably not the greatest opener.
Max (11:25)
Yeah.
Noah (11:33)
And I think that’s where some guys get things a little bit wrong is they just charge head first into the end result that they’re looking for instead of taking the time to get to know someone first. And we’re all being very vulnerable. Men and women alike, when we are trying to share our emotions and our sexual lives with each other and you can’t just…
open up with that. It’s way too vulnerable, way too deep. It might only take five minutes to get there depending on the party and the conversation, the people you’re talking to, but let it build. it little time to marinate.
Blake (12:05)
Thank
Alonzo Banx (12:09)
Going down with what Noah said, just for people who don’t realize, if you’ve ever been to one of these clubs or parties or even swing events, it is not uncommon for some guy to walk up and grab a woman’s boob or grab her butt or say something so unbelievably inappropriate. The kind of things that we’re talking about are men can do some really dumb things.
that you sit back shocked. It’s like, that’s why we say talk first. It’s, it’s really the, you know, don’t be a dick. That’s never going to get anywhere, anywhere. Mr. B, you’ve been waiting, please.
Beeb (12:41)
yeah, I think it also depends on what you’re looking for. So if you’re looking for the poly, you know, side of things, you need to go to poly events, meet poly people and talk and go with that. If you’re looking for the swinging side of things, go to swinger events, go to swing clubs and meet like-minded people. as I’ve talked before in this podcast, my wife and I have separate, completely separate, she works nights. I work days. She works all weekends. I’m off on the weekends. So.
We’re like passing ships a lot of times. so I go to these sex clubs as a single guy. and it was pretty tough at first, you know, but once you, like, after I kept going and breaking that mold and talking to people, you start meeting a lot of the regulars and you become, you, get, you know, friends, you make your own network. And then from that, you know, and never, I always went in with the, the tact is I never expected play.
Blake (13:18)
you
Beeb (13:37)
If it happened, great. But if it didn’t, that’s fine
too. At least I made, you know, made some new friends, made some connections. And once you get that large enough network and people know like, Oh, that’s B he’s a good guy. It just kind of falls into place and all like the ladies or whatever. If you you’re there for a swing event, they’ll come up. Hey, cause they know you’re, you’re safe and respectful. Um, also another thing goes like in the swinging world goes a big mile is if you’re approaching a couple, don’t wait for the guy to walk away.
And and and you know start talking to her after he when he goes the bathroom if anything
Blake (14:11)
.
Beeb (14:12)
walk up to him and start talking to him first and you know kind of get his feel and basically not get permission but you know i’m saying get permission to further engage
Blake (14:22)
Okay.
Alonzo Banx (14:23)
We’ve talked about that in other podcasts. When someone comes up to me and a person and talks to me first, it goes a long way. Just that, not a huge conversation, but acknowledging that the couple is there as a couple and you’re not just singling
Max (14:23)
being respectful.
Alonzo Banx (14:39)
out the woman. Greg, this is all new to you and you’ve got your hands up. Blake, I’ll get to you in just a minute. What do you got for me,
Craig (14:45)
Well, I hope everybody understands when I say this, especially not having any experience in any of these realms and kind of pushing it back a notch. this is a conversation that me and Alonzo has had in the past. I just think that relationships are broken. And whether you are doing it in a poly kink, whatever environment you’re looking at,
Blake (14:55)
.
Craig (15:12)
I just think that today the average male
is just seriously handicapped when it comes to the dating or just relationship world. And I know so many, what I’m just gonna put in the category of just normal men that have just completely just given up because it just seems like dating is broken.
And I’m going to just kind of end it on this note that, uh, like I said, me and Alonzo have had these, uh, conversations before in the past. And he keeps on saying that there’s so many women. Well, I went on a Facebook user group. And it’s just kind of like a matchmaker group. I took the first three men I found and I looked at all their activity against the first three women I found. The activity for the women was 775 responses combined.
people actively trying to reach out to them. 775 combined. For the men, the first three, five.
Beeb (16:18)
You
Noah (16:18)
yeah.
Craig (16:19)
Wondering
what everyone has to say about this.
Alonzo Banx (16:22)
This was a conversation that we just had two podcasts ago. Noah, if you want to jump on that for me.
Noah (16:28)
Yeah, to reiterate something I’ve said before, dick is cheap, right? And what I mean by that is women are a hot commodity and men not so much. And I would say that’s even more so true in the poly community. And I think a lot of that has to do with the way that our society was designed. I don’t necessarily think it’s a new problem. I think it’s just one that we’re able to talk about more openly and honestly now, since we’re still connected these days.
Max (16:32)
You
Blake (16:54)
Thank
Noah (16:54)
⁓ but, ⁓
it really just turns into women are, in general, when I say this, right, women are expected to wait for a man to come and talk to her and men are expected to do that. Women are not expected to come and talk to you. And so what that does is that creates a situation where, every man is going to start trying to take
100 swings every night kind of thing, right? Well, if it’s a numbers game, then I’m going to make as many swings as I can and hopefully I’ll hit a ball. Where on the men’s side of things, if you’re just waiting to get a response, you’re probably going to be missing out on opportunities. I personally do way better in person than I do on an app, for instance, right? So I prefer to go out and and meet people.
Blake (17:29)
you
Noah (17:41)
I’ve found that it’s a lot easier to make connections. It’s a lot easier to convince people you’re not a creep, which is hard to do over text and pictures, right? And it’s also easier to convey what you’re trying to say
Jon (17:48)
you
Noah (17:53)
in person and correct yourself if they didn’t take it correctly, right? Where if you say something that might be able to be taken two different ways and you don’t realize it and they just stop talking to you because they thought it was a little creepy, well, you’ll never know if you had a chance to.
to fix that. So I think in person is a much better way to do it. Go to things like polysoccal, you know, groups, you know, on the BDSM side of things, FetLife is a good example of a way to find out about these organizations like polysoccal, where you can meet people in person and try it out. That’s my, my advice.
Alonzo Banx (18:25)
Mr. I see you have something you want to say, but Blake, you’ve awful quiet tonight and you’re raising your hand for me. What do you got?
Jon (18:30)
the
Blake (18:31)
Yeah, so I just particularly wanted to double down on what Bebe was saying that so much of it has to do with getting to know people in the community. And sometimes that takes a while. And as a single man, especially, I was in a
different city when i was single but i was going to cut a leave and send things like that for a year before i was getting invited to more sexy things so being aware that there are also different levels of entrance so things like a couple parties are better explicitly non sexual they’re designed to not to be a safe space for people and they actually is a very nice place to meet people.
and to get some of that physical contact that’s so important. so you get that and you get to know people and then some of those folks will start inviting you to other things. So yeah, I found for me, took over a year of cuddle parties before I started getting into other things.
Craig (19:33)
I have never heard of a cuddle party.
Blake (19:36)
⁓ look it up. They’re in every town. Every city’s got them. It’s well worth checking into.
Max (19:36)
Hmm.
Alonzo Banx (19:41)
And I think that plays together with something they were saying, is if you go to these events not looking to get laid, but looking to meet people, cuddle parties are great, and it’s people specifically just going to cuddle. I’m Mr. Bebe.
Beeb (19:55)
I just wanted to add a little to what Craig had to say. think, you know, with the internet and, you know, everything that the art of dating has been lost. I just recently went out on a date with a woman and just a simple fact after we’re done, she’s like, I love how respectful you were and how you opened the door for me so I could get into the car. It’s just something that
Guys don’t do, I don’t know if it’s just because women are, don’t need a man type of deal or what it is, but just those small gestures go a long way. Try picking her up. Don’t just meet her someplace. Open the door for her. Pull her chair back. the old style of dating things and it’ll turn things around for you real quick.
Alonzo Banx (20:43)
Being a gentleman is always a good thing. Mr. Noah.
Noah (20:47)
Yeah, I think to add to that, you know, it’s something that I think it’s easy to forget because you know that you are a peaceful person and are just looking for connections, but they don’t. And women on average are smaller than you, are weaker than you. And they need to know that they’re safe before they can even start to process thoughts of this could go any further than that, right? So you’ve got to prove that you’re a safe person.
before they can ever be vulnerable with you. And that includes just talking about some of the most basic sexual desires that you might have, right? They need to know that they’re not going to get hurt by you if you get them alone in a room, right? So I think that’s an important thing to consider. For me, I think about it as what if I were to walk into a room full of soldiers with automatic rifles and try to make friends with them?
Right? That would be pretty intimidating for me. I don’t know what I’m going to be getting. Right? But if one of them never touches their gun, just keeps it slung around their neck and just talks to me like a normal human being, we’re probably going to have some sort of connection. Now we can be bros. Right? That’s kind of how I imagine at least to some extent, it’s like to be a woman walking into some of these parties, these groups. Right?
Blake (22:00)
Okay. Okay.
Alonzo Banx (22:07)
Mr. Max, you look like you have a different response to that, but I’ve got to clarify because this is a audio podcast. Max is a very large man. Okay. Max is physically
Max (22:11)
I got no.
Alonzo Banx (22:19)
very intimidating. is a large, structured gentleman. With that, Mr. Max, what are your thoughts?
Max (22:28)
So they, being women, are definitely smaller than us. They are not weaker than us. I think they’re stronger. ⁓ Going back to all this mention of cuddle parties, I think part of what’s helped me be comfortable in these communities is I’m a cuddle whore. And if I can get to cuddle with people, that satisfies me on a physical level. So it’s like, yeah, your expectations are low, but also when your bar is low.
Blake (22:36)
Okay. Okay.
Max (22:56)
you’re happy to go. So for me, too, being a submissive man, and it’s strange to hear, right? Big, giant dude, I’m six foot three, I’m wide built. Until recently, I was like 250, 260. I could play linebacker on a college team. And I think everyone’s used to, men approach and women get approached. Well, if you’re a submissive man, you can’t approach. That’s dominant activity.
you have to be prey and be submissive. And it goes along with some of the things you guys have been saying, open doors for the ladies. But for us, we need to take it to another level, to that level that other macho men would be like, you’re whipped and you don’t even know her. And it’s like, no, no, no, I’m doing, I’m showing her the role that I like to play and I’m doing it in a non-sexual way. Can I get you your drink? Although that…
That could be a little dangerous unless it’s already closed these days. But, know, can you do things for her? You you always want to be shutting the hell up, letting her talk, asking her questions and doing those things. And then when you’re even when you’re new to an area and you’re acting submissive, the dominant women, they look at you like men look at a new girl to a scene, fresh meat. And that’s the position you want to be in. And it’s
It’s unlearning a lot of habits that society teaches us. And I might sound right now like I’m a pro at it. I am not. But it’s the way, it’s the path that I feel. I mean, if you’re a submissive or you want to explore your submissive side, like this is the way to go.
Alonzo Banx (24:33)
I’m going to change the subject a little bit here as we’re starting to get into the second half of the show. We’ve talked about ways to approach, but let’s talk about reasons to get into this community and reasons not to get into this community. One of the things that I’ve seen in decades in this world is
in the swing world specifically, women explaining how they need to be there because their husband wants this and this is going to save their marriage. John, you laughed hardest first.
Jon (25:05)
Yeah, I think we’ve met some of those couples frequently, know, where they’re just trying to fix something that’s going on in their lives. Like maybe somebody cheated and so now they’re like, they’re trying to figure out some way to balance things out or something or work with what had happened and try to fix that. Yeah, I think that’s, it’s a, in my experience, a terrible way to approach any of this lifestyle stuff. I think,
Blake (25:17)
.
Jon (25:33)
what happens when you get into poly or even swinging honestly is you learn a lot more about yourself than you might be ready to learn about your own insecurities and what some deeper jealousy feelings are like and what it’s like to have this amount of envy and all these different emotions. I highly recommend therapy as a part of your journey. I think it’s important to…
to try to have more than just your own internal voice as your therapist. You’ve got to, community helps, but therapy is super helpful too, just to help you work out some of the different things that you might be feeling and stuff like that. And you should definitely tend toward a kink friendly or poly friendly therapist who has seen this before, knows how to navigate it and whether or not it’s right or wrong for your certain situation and stuff, whatever.
So yeah, those are terrible reasons to get in, but a good reason to get in and the one that Patty and I sort of approached it with was we just felt like we had so much love for each other and it was just felt like we had so much more to give and we wanted to like let it kind of flow over and into other people’s lives. And when we met a friend or something like that or something that we thought, we both thought was interesting. We wanted to share that love that we had with them as well. So I think it…
comes out as an overflow sometimes. At least that’s how we started with it. Now it’s really more about respecting each other’s freedom and our openness toward expressing ourselves as our true, more broad, authentic selves.
Alonzo Banx (27:07)
Yeah, I want to jump and make that what something you said into a little bit of a PSA here. Finding a therapist is incredibly important. And one of the things that I think a lot of people that are new to this community don’t realize, are you poly or kink friendly is an absolute question that is okay to ask a therapist before you see them. Not asking that question before you go can be devastating. A good therapist will
Blake (27:20)
Okay. Okay.
Alonzo Banx (27:34)
absolutely step
up and say, yeah, I’m fine with that. And we’ll understand the unique twists in working with people in our community. You have to ask. It’s okay to ask. And a good therapist, you know, absolutely understands. The last one that my partner and I were going to, you know, we had to search around. We talked to four or five until we found one that was okay and was comfortable and
handled the dynamics of the relationship perfectly. No, I’ll get back to you in a second, Mr. Blake. You looked like you really wanted to say something.
Blake (28:07)
Yeah, just it
just to add on to what to what you’re saying They’re absolutely to check with several and in fact, even if they say, know in the psychology today when you select a therapist You can actually filter for kink friendly so you can get a list of only therapists that have identified themselves
as being kink friendly. But you still need to check with several because I went when I was looking for a therapist a couple years ago, I went to a couple that also they were several that said they were kink friendly. And one of them when I described this challenge that was coming up was just like, my God, that sounds like too much for you. You can’t do that. And the other one was like, yeah, let’s talk about how you can do this. And I felt so empowered by one and so shut down by the other.
So it is really important to talk to a couple of therapists.
Alonzo Banx (28:54)
Absolutely. Noah, you want to add to that?
Noah (28:57)
⁓ yeah. So on the therapy front, absolutely. I think, any therapist who tells you that they can’t handle a part of your life, or indicates that that’s true is probably not very good. And that’s probably more than just about poly, right? I would say if any part of your life is something that they are having a difficult time understanding, it might be time to move on and find another therapist. that’s just my personal opinion, but.
To get back to what John was saying, I think that the way to guarantee the destruction of your shaky relationship is to enter into the poly world or the swinging world or whatever version thereof. Right? I think unless you are secure in your own relationship, you’re essentially destroying whatever you have by jumping into something like this.
Blake (29:40)
Okay.
Noah (29:47)
You need to be secure, both of you need to be secure in your relationship and secure with each other and yourselves before you can honestly do this successfully. Again, that’s my
opinion, but I have watched it happen to other people in my life and I have heard countless stories of people just absolutely destroying the relationship in record time by doing something like this because
Blake (30:03)
Okay.
Okay.
Noah (30:10)
They thought it might fix something or they’re trying to convince their spouse that it’s the way to make them feel less bad about infidelity or whatever it is. And it’s just not the case. This is something that you should do if you’re in a relationship only when you are secure in that relationship.
Alonzo Banx (30:27)
Absolutely. Mr. B, I’m to give you a statement here.
How important is communication in our world?
Blake (30:34)
you
Beeb (30:35)
God is the most important thing. That’s what makes this work Especially in poly because with poly not only do you have your wife but now you have another couple that you’re having to communicate and and You know, everyone gets feelings even in in a polycule. There’s somebody they’ll have a jealousy over something. So you have to be mindful and
Blake (30:40)
Okay.
Beeb (30:58)
and and focus on that, you know,
Everyone talk it through. Why are you jealous? What is there something we can help you with is or is this something you need to solve on your own? Because everyone does their own ⁓ problem solving in their own way. Sometimes it’s inside to themselves or sometimes they need to just talk it out. So communication is the number one thing.
Alonzo Banx (31:18)
John, what’s compersion?
Jon (31:20)
Compersion is essentially deriving joy from your partner experiencing joy. So when you see them happy, you experience happiness. Yeah, it’s probably a key piece of being Polly. I mean, it exists there in the swinging world too, but I mean for Polly when it’s so emotionally driven.
Blake (31:31)
Okay.
Jon (31:39)
being able to see somebody, see your wife fall in love with somebody else
and think, my God, that’s so wonderful that she’s feeling that, or she’s feeling a new relationship energy, which is often acronym to NRE. When your partner is experiencing NRE and it’s so energetic, exciting, and something that you’re, you know.
20 plus year relationship or marriage hasn’t really experienced in some time. It can be daunting to see that happen. So if you are able to draw from a feeling of compersion and feel like, our marriage, our relationship has got room for us to be able to experience that emotion in its new state again and stuff, whatever, it can be wonderful to see that.
That’s what conversion is to me.
Alonzo Banx (32:28)
I
agree. think that was very well stated. Max, I’m going to get to you in a minute. Blake, look like you had something more to say.
Blake (32:34)
Yeah, yeah, if comparison one of we call it 360 degree vision because it’s kind of like for me when I would get into like a jealous state of mind or something like that, they’d be looking at it just from this point of view of myself. But if I can step back far enough to look at the whole thing from 360 degrees, then I can see the joy that my partner is having.
I can see the joy the other partners having and as long as I know that my partner is still connected to me, then I can be a part of that whole field. yeah, so we like to call it 360 vision.
Alonzo Banx (33:08)
I like that. Max, you had something you wanted to
Max (33:11)
So yeah, when you asked John what compersion is, and I’m just like, I’ve never heard that word before. And then he defined it, and I’m like, that is why I’m a submissive man. Anything that I can do that makes my dominant partner express joy, especially do it in a way like the little moans that just come out or the little, you know.
like when she sighs or like that look on her face that isn’t even like, she’s not even saying it. It’s that subconscious that’s just letting out and you’re like, you’re like, I helped to create that. And then that makes, that gives me feelings of happiness. That gives me feelings of arousal. And it’s definitely something I identify with. And I think because like, by the time I get to like the relationship, like I’m very…
I’m that typical dominant guy when it comes to my career, my hobbies, playing a board game. And it’s like, when it comes to the relationship, it’s like, I’m done. I don’t want to be competitive anymore. I just, I’m, you know, I want to experience that love. want to experience that connection. And maybe that’s why I get along with this community so well. The more like no nonsense stuff. I made notes, you know, it’s like, Polly, it’s like, it’s not better. It’s not worse than monogamy. It’s just…
different. I think an advantage it definitely has and you guys have mentioned it, it pushes communication. So in other circles where they’re just not used to it, they’re kind of pushed to do it, think which is great. The disadvantage is like society and your family might not understand, it might be really hard in that situation. But I think it’s good if you’re a monogamous couple, if you’re having trouble with your relationship, be like, we’re not going to jump in, we’re just going to
talk to people about it and go to these things and look at the other side. Because I think that perspective and that view might in a way help them realize some of the things that we get annoyed with each other. No, no, no, we want to be monogamous, we want to be with each other and we can see things that we’d like. Or they see it and they go, oh, maybe this is a good thing. Let’s go find a therapist, talk to them, someone with a good background and explore our journey.
Alonzo Banx (35:15)
I like that. John, had something to add.
Jon (35:17)
Yeah, I just wanted to clarify too. So Max, when you were explaining how you were sort of describing your definition of compersion and stuff, whatever, for me, compersion really doesn’t mean that I haven’t been a part of that equation. So, ⁓ Bebe and Patty are together and I see Patty looking into Bebe’s eyes and she’s just enamored. I get this feeling of like, my God, you know, that’s…
Blake (35:30)
you
Jon (35:40)
Amazing that she’s getting to feel this so it’s really a feeling of joy that I’m getting that she’s having with somebody else and it’s a Sort of unrelated to me, but I can make it part of my life as well and I can feel the joy because I know that the person that I’m in love with deeply is also feeling some joy for something Which is not that difficult. I don’t like it sounds like it’s impossible, but when you see Your partner with a child that you guys have created and they’re just in love with
the child that you share, it’s really very close to that same feeling of like, of like, know, like, my God, I’m so in love with this person who’s taking such good care of this child that we share and all this stuff or whatever, right? it’s an extension of that, of that love that you have with somebody that you can still feel that, ⁓ enjoy from that.
Max (36:24)
Yeah, thank you for
the distinction. I think you’re right.
Alonzo Banx (36:27)
I want to, as we come to the end of this, I’m going to pose a question from the perspective of one of our newer viewers looking to get into this world. Okay, you’ve told me that I’m not going to get laid every time. You’ve told me that I’m going to have to do all of this work. You’ve told me that I’ve got to go to a therapist.
Blake (36:38)
Okay.
Alonzo Banx (36:46)
that I’ve got to learn compersion, that I’ve got to be in touch with my own feelings, that I’ve got to be great at communication, and you’ve told me all of these things I have to do. I just wanted to get laid.
Is it worth all the work? No?
Noah (37:00)
If you’re just trying to get laid, now go to Pornhub, I think it’s clear that there are some guys out there who don’t want to put in any work whatsoever and don’t understand why they’re not getting laid. I don’t have a lot of advice for them other than wash your butt hole and try really hard. Right?
Max (37:18)
That’s
good. I like that.
Noah (37:23)
For
everyone else who can be a human being, yeah, I think it is worth it because you’re gonna meet awesome people. You’re going to earn relationships, potentially sexual, great, but I think you’ll find friendships. You might even find mentors. People have been doing it for a long time. We might have a lot of good advice. People you might really begin to look up to.
I think it is absolutely worth it from that perspective. But like anything in life, nothing worth doing is easy. Nothing worth doing takes no work. And you are trying to sell yourself, so be worth buying.
Blake (37:51)
you
Alonzo Banx (38:03)
very well said and some good advice in there Mr. B, what’s your take on this?
Beeb (38:08)
I 100 % think it’s worth it. Just the community itself, put getting laid aside, the community itself is so awesome. I would say 99.9 % of my friends are lifestyle people, whether that’s Polly, Swinging, know, Kink, BDSM, something to do with the lifestyle. I have very few vanilla, as they call it, friends anymore.
It’s just, I don’t know, you know, cause these people go out, they do things, they go to meet and greets and you just see it. You become almost like a big family. So I hundred percent think it’s a totally worth it. just to, just to meet all the people and just get the spice of life.
Alonzo Banx (38:49)
I think my experience has been very much the people that are willing to do the work, the people that are willing to do the things that are necessary to thrive in this community are the kind of people that I want as my friends. Mr. Max, what’s your thought?
Max (39:05)
is cheap. And that’s all we’re doing right now, right, for someone who’s overwhelmed by all of this. But we’re right in a lot of ways, I think, right? It is worth it. And it is a lot of work. But there’s a little cheat. go to a dungeon and pay for a session with a dominant woman. Go to
Nevada or other places where the oldest profession in the world is still legal and do that and yeah, you’re cheating yourself in a way like it’s not gonna be a deep and long and meaningful connection but at the same time it could be there are many clients of mistresses and dominatrix’s who end up building relationship learn about themselves and go and and then
are able to go to munches, meet people, and it gets them over the hill. They didn’t go skiing on a black diamond first. They went on a bunny hill. They had instructors with them. And there are even escorts out there who specialize in bridging that gap. And it’s easy mode. And is it free? No, you’re paying for it. And I think that’s OK.
You know, it’s like a therapist who’s a little more hands-on.
Alonzo Banx (40:25)
Mr. Blake?
Max (40:25)
But
don’t be a dick and don’t break the rules.
Blake (40:29)
for me I’d say definitely it’s worth it it’s sort of a matter of it’s just who you are you know and and and the and your relationship with your partner I think probably one thing that I underestimated was how much inner work is really involved the communication is crucial but you gotta do that inner stuff too you gotta look at what’s triggering me what’s caught what’s causing this trigger and
How do I turn this trigger into either make it benign or make it actually a positive thing? some of that involves your partner, but some of it you do away from your partner because you just need to straighten it out and not blame her for anything. It has to do with yourself.
Alonzo Banx (41:12)
Well, gentlemen, I think tonight has been an absolutely amazing call. I think we’ve said a lot of really good stuff.
Jon (41:18)
Same.
Beeb (41:22)
I would like to say one final thing ⁓ on the communication aspect of it. You know, the communication tools we use to be in poly or swinging or whatnot can definitely be used in a monogamous relationship as well. There are nothing different. know, poly relationships is just like a monogamous relationship. There’s just a couple extra people involved. So it’s caught it. That’s where you need even the more communication. But yeah, the level of communication we do can definitely be used to
helping the monogamous relationship and I think you’d have a lot more monogamous relationships thrive if they did that level of communication.
Alonzo Banx (41:58)
And I think you’re right. And on that, sir, I think we will wrap up tonight. Thank you everyone for being here. It’s been one of my favorite conversations so far, and I look forward to seeing a lot of your faces again next week. It’s been PolysoCal Podcast. I’m Alonzo Banks. Good night, everybody.
Noah (41:58)
Totally agree.
Beeb (42:15)
Bye.