In this roundtable conversation, the PolySoCal Podcast takes on one of the most common questions newcomers ask: “How do I join the community and conduct myself properly?” Alonzo Banx is joined by Cupcake, Noah, Ash, Oslo, Heather, and Craig for an honest and sometimes raw discussion about the do’s and don’ts of entering poly and lifestyle spaces. The group explores respect, boundaries, consent, and the importance of self-awareness before diving in. Along the way, personal stories highlight both the beauty and the challenges of building trust in open communities.
Alonzo Banx is joined by Cupcake, Noah, Ash, Oslo, Heather, and Craig
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. As always, I am Alonzo Banks and we’ve got quite a few good people in the house tonight. Got a very interesting question. It’s going to be, how do you join our community and do so properly? So with that, hi everybody.
Noah (00:16)
Hey!
Cupcake (00:17)
Hello.
Craig (00:19)
Hi.
Oslo (00:20)
you
Alonzo Banx (00:20)
That’s great
to have everyone back tonight. Let’s do the roundtable thing and we’ll start with the Miss Oslo. Welcome back again. This is your second time on our call. You want to introduce yourself and say hi.
Oslo (00:28)
It is.
Sure, I am also I am your residential crazy person that yeah, has done poly a long time on and off open relationships on and off. And I’m currently married in a semi open relationship.
Alonzo Banx (00:45)
thrilled to have you back again and you’re not nearly as crazy as some of us though, you know. Cupcake, how about you today?
Oslo (00:49)
Just haven’t seen it yet.
Cupcake (00:53)
I’m Cupcake. I’ve been on plenty of these at this point so I’m a familiar face I would say. I am currently, I have been with my husband for eight years, married for three and then I’m also partnered with Noah and Cookie for the last about year or so.
Alonzo Banx (01:07)
Good to have you You got Noah in the house tonight and you and Noah were having a competition for who’s been on the most times. I think it’s been six or seven. Yeah, Mr. Noah, please.
Cupcake (01:08)
there.
same amount probably.
Noah (01:18)
Yeah, as Cupcake just said, I am Noah. I am in a relationship with Cookie, who is not on the call tonight, and with Cupcake as well. And it’s kind of a kitchen table, polyamorous, open relationship situation.
Alonzo Banx (01:32)
Welcome back, sir. Ash.
Ash (01:33)
Ash, I am the hostess for most of our events and I’ve been with my partner for about seven years. We don’t exactly have a play partner at the moment, but you know, we’re open and loving. That’s pretty much it.
Alonzo Banx (01:45)
Mr. Craig, welcome back.
Craig (01:47)
Thank you for having me. I’m Craig. I guess you can consider me the conservative person looking in
Alonzo Banx (01:54)
That’s good to have you, Heather.
Heather (01:56)
Hi, I’m Heather married for four years In the lifestyle for ten I’m in a poly cool with John and Patty and I also have a girlfriend outside of that poly cool New to poly but not the lifestyle
Alonzo Banx (02:10)
and welcome and you’ve been on with this quite a few times yourself.
So the question tonight, I’m sorry, Heather, go ahead.
Heather (02:16)
it’s just, I look forward to this podcast every time, every Sunday.
Alonzo Banx (02:19)
Okay, so the question tonight comes from a thing that happens in my email box quite frequently. I get a lot of contact from single people, primarily men, probably 90%, wanting to get into this community and asking how.
And when we explain that one of the issues that we have frequently at events is that not all men conduct themselves correctly. And being sexist, know, women make mistakes too. But unfortunately, it ends up men predominant.
So question tonight is advice for people who want to get into our community and some of the things that they should watch out for not to do wrong when they come in. And I’m sure some of our ladies tonight have some unfortunate stories of being on the receiving end of that.
Anyone want to jump in and pick up the conversation and Miss Ash your finger on up? You got something to add?
Ash (03:16)
So
I think the first thing that comes to mind is not to treat poly or events like a dating buffet. Most people come in thinking that everyone is just ups for grabs because we are all very sexually positive and that is really not the case. Like the best way to start probably is not to go straight into maybe one of our events, but go to like workshops and poly like spaces and get to know the community and the people.
in the community before assuming that you’re going to date somebody immediately or get someone into bed immediately.
Alonzo Banx (03:49)
Absolutely. And I think for a lot of people, one of things that I see is that a lot of people come into this later in life. So when they get in, it’s a new experience to them. And like a kid in a candy store, they kind of get carried away with some of their thoughts and actions. Cupcake, you had something you wanted to add.
Cupcake (03:55)
you
And I think that’s the why the president, the president wants our response to actions.
Oslo (04:07)
Okay.
Cupcake (04:08)
Yeah,
I think my biggest pinpoint would be is coming into a situation, even if you have like some sort of rapport with the people that are there or a couple people there, it doesn’t really give you a free pass to act a certain way or to have more privileges that you would because you know someone. You have to still come in and kind of
your way up in the sense, making sure that you’re showing that you’re respectful and you know you don’t want to come off in a like a bad foot but you want to be personable but you also have to understand like not everyone knows you. I mean this is not exactly the same but I was at a party for a friend yesterday, very big lifestyle group and I had sat at the pool, put my feet in the pool, I kind of took my top off and I was just laying on my back on the ground.
and just chilling, just resting. And one person was like, ⁓ Cupcake, look hot when we splash you. And I said, no, please do not. And someone who I only had maybe five words of interaction thought it would be funny to dump water on my face. And I immediately was like, nope, that’s not how that works. know, like it branched into I’m big on consent and you just broke my trust.
because you can’t even follow simple instructions not to splash me in the face. But that’s just, you you’re friends with people here, yeah, but you didn’t know me, you know.
Alonzo Banx (05:35)
One of the things I think you have to keep in mind with situations like that is a lot of people don’t know how to conduct themselves, so they end up doing stupid things because they think it’s right. It doesn’t make it okay, but it does explain why I’ve seen some really dumb things like that done at events. Go ahead, Noah.
Noah (05:56)
Yeah, I think if I was going to try to give advice that’s specific, I would say that there are events out there that’s probably easier to start with than a poly-specific or even some sort of sex party. And that would be what they call in the BDSM community at least a munch.
And I think it’s a great way to start making contacts in the community, start making friends. What a munch is essentially is basically a meetup of like-minded people in the community in a public space. It could be for coffee or for drinks or for like a lunchtime period somewhere, usually at a bar or a restaurant or a bowling alley or something like that.
And they are hosted by people in the community who are donating their time and trying to grow the community in their area. And if you go to like a place like FetLife, which is a website, you can often find these advertised in your area. And I think that’s a great way to start. There’s no pressure.
There might be talk of sex, but there is absolutely not going to be any type of action happening there. It is purely just to meet people, introduce yourself, and get to know each other. And when you do that, I think you’ll find yourself in a position where you can make people familiar with you, make people feel more comfortable with you, and then you might find yourself getting invited to other events. Or…
You can find someone who you might want to go to an event with and it might not be like a partner you’re looking at. It could just be a friend you met. Say, hey, friend, I’d like to go to this event. Would you come with me? Sort of deal, right? I think that’s a great way to get started. Instead of jumping both feet in and maybe making a big mistake and having a faux pas, you’d be able to acclimate.
Alonzo Banx (07:43)
Yeah, in every community has versions of Munch. In the connected community and the Tantra communities, they tend to be things like cuddle parties. In the swinging world, there tends to be just club nights where people are meeting at a club, not necessarily to play there, but just people getting together. Anyone else have other examples of those kind of entryway events? Ash?
Ash (08:04)
So also, unlike FetLife, you can go to Plura, because that’s where I found the local poly community in my area. They did one, I guess, a munch at a wine bar not far from me a few weeks ago. The next one is actually going to be at a bar in Long Beach before the Hump Fill Festival, which is on my birthday, the erotic film festival that I told you about.
So there are other options besides FetLife, because I know FetLife is kind of a hit or a miss when it comes to some of the people, but like, you know, there are other places you can look for such social gatherings as well.
Alonzo Banx (08:40)
Social media is a great outlet. There’s a lot of places you can go to now. I think it’s much different than it was even a decade ago. Anyone have anything to add to that? Ways to find an entry point into the community? Heather, please.
Heather (08:53)
Not so much a way entry point, but off of what Cupcake said that newbies kind of have to like work their way up when they go to meet and greets or munches or whatever and I totally 100 % agree with. It’s definitely like a ladder and every time you go you meet more and more people in the community, but even when you’re on the top of ladder like you know everyone, everyone knows you.
When you go to those events, because you’re so well known, you’re an example and you have to actually work maybe harder to be a good example for the community.
Alonzo Banx (09:33)
Absolutely, and something that I think all of us realize. Our communities are rather small and we all talk. A major misstep at one of those entry events can follow you around for a while in the community. Ms. Oswell, you’ve been kind of quiet tonight. Anything to add to this one?
Oslo (09:49)
Oh, yeah, I was just thinking before you even do any of those, if you’re brand new to poly or anything that’s, you not super normal, you got I think you got to like understand yourself first, you know, why do I want a poly relationship? Can I handle it emotionally? What are my deal breakers? What are my boundaries? Kind of Yeah, and like you guys said,
There’s books on it, there’s blogs, there’s forums, YouTube, podcasts like this one, that all kind of help you just prepare yourself to even go to one of those events so that you kind of already know how you should behave yourself or, you know, obviously boundaries are a big thing for a lot of people. And especially like communication in any relationship, but especially when there’s more than, you know, one person involved.
Alonzo Banx (10:33)
Absolutely. And along with knowing what your desires are, choosing the right community. There’s nothing wrong with wanting to get into swing or wanting to get into kink. But I’d highly recommend not going out to a connected tantra event if you’re looking for kink. You need to find the community that’s going to match what your goals are. Ash, you want to say something?
Ash (10:53)
Going off what Oslo said is like, course, like understanding yourself is a huge part, but also understanding the people that you’re around because like one thing that we have hit a couple of times on this podcast is that some people have a different definition of what poly is. So when you do start interacting with these people, you need to communicate and understand what their idea of it is, as well as like what their needs are or what they’re expecting from it as much as yourself.
That way you’re not getting into a situation where you are seeking, you know, romantic attention from multiple people, but you end up meeting up with someone who doesn’t really see poly as that way and more sees it as a way to hop from partner to partner. So that’s like a really big key point too, is not only understanding yourself, but understanding the people that you’re getting involved with.
Alonzo Banx (11:36)
Absolutely, and even in the different communities there people at different levels and different expectations. Mr. Craig, you’ve been kind of silent so far. I’m put you on the spot here.
Craig (11:45)
so of course I’m listening to everybody and not really being a part of the community at all. I don’t know, there’s so much I want to say but I’m not sure if I’m saying it right so I apologize now.
I hear what you’re all saying, but I don’t agree. And here’s where I’m going with this. I could be with Alonzo out to dinner, just me and him. I could go to one of his events. Cupcake, I could see you at the grocery store. It doesn’t matter. No matter where I am, I’m always going to be me.
And I think that anybody who wants to go and be a part of your community or wants to partake in something, I think they’re just coming in as themselves. They may be a little bit more…
Trisky so to say like but like how cupcake Said someone splashed water on her. Let’s face it. That’s just a high school alpha mood a move. I Think that you’re gonna really be dealing with people Who are themselves no matter what the situation is? Granted it might be a new Click but I could be with all of you and I’m just going to be me.
And that’s, I guess, just it.
Alonzo Banx (12:53)
Go ahead, okay.
Cupcake (12:53)
I hear you and I understand your point. I see it as, you know, for example, you’re wanting to put your best foot forward to connect with people. You’re going on a job interview. You’re going on a date. It’s the same type of thing. You’re allowed to be who you are, but there’s a certain point where what is your intention for that situation? What are you wanting to get out of it? So you need to put in what you feel.
you want to get out of it. So obviously treating people with respect, I mean not saying that you don’t, not saying that that’s not a normal thing for you, but it’s the same situation. You’re going into something new with a new community, a new crowd. You, I would hope, want to put your best foot forward and respect other people along with that.
Craig (13:35)
Yeah, but to your point, that should be like that for everything.
Cupcake (13:39)
It should, 100%.
Craig (13:40)
I I think we’ve all seen it where it could be any place outside of this community where someone just goes in and does something completely inappropriate. Doesn’t matter where they are, right?
Alonzo Banx (13:52)
Ash, go ahead.
Ash (13:53)
I understand where Craig is coming from. I think what makes it such a difficult situation is because there are more open things going on at certain events and more sexual things going on at certain events that some people who do not have the best moral codes take that as a path to be more
aggressive than what is acceptable. They may be being themselves, but when they see it as, well, you know, if I do this in public and I look up a girl’s skirt, like, you know, I can get the cops called on me, but look, everybody’s running around naked. So I get to be really up close and personal with these people without having respect for those people. And they don’t, there, there will be people that don’t understand that there is a line and there is still some sort of respect that needs to be brought to the scene. So I get where.
Craig’s coming from that people are gonna be themselves, but sometimes being yourself in that mannerism isn’t always the right thing.
Alonzo Banx (14:51)
Asher and Tyler, no, I want to get to you for a second. I’ve known Craig for a very long time. And I think one of the disadvantages that he’s having in this conversation is having never been to one of these parties or never been to one of these events. The ladies on the call tonight, you’re being very nice and very cryptic and saying, someone did something inappropriate. And I don’t think you’re expressing the level to which some of this inappropriate is.
And don’t think he realizes he’s thinking someone says something wrong or someone splashes water and doesn’t realize how absolutely disgusting some of these actions can be. So Craig, hang on. Now, what you going to say?
Ash (15:25)
Just don’t be rapey. Don’t be rapey.
Noah (15:30)
Yeah,
I think one of the biggest analogies that I can make is imagine you are a baseball player on a baseball team. Let’s say minor leagues. So you have some level of professionalism, right? Let’s say you know a very athletic person, but they’ve never played baseball before. You wouldn’t let them join the team immediately, right? They’ve got potential.
You’ve seen them be an athlete in other sports, but you need to bring them around the sport. You need to show them how the sport works. They need to meet the team. They need to practice. They need to see what’s going on, right? Before they can really play a game in front of everybody. And I think that’s what really this kind of comes down to and why we’re encouraging, especially single men to come in into a a casual space first, right? Try to meet people in the community like you are Craig right now, right?
and learn about the do’s and don’ts and the rules of the game and One of those is like Ash said don’t be rapey I know that sounds very simple to a guy like you Craig and a guy like me. I love everybody I have no desire to hurt anyone or to make someone feel extremely uncomfortable, right? but they don’t know that and When there is a history in our culture and in this community
of single men coming in and causing problems in numbers. You have to deal with that in a certain way and that means you’re going to need to kind of be arm’s length for a little while until trust is built. And I know that’s not fair and it sucks and it’s how it is, right? We’re being punished for the actions of other people. But there’s enough of those things happening to where if we want this community to persist and
the especially women in it to feel comfortable. We need to make sure that as a community we’re protecting them. And that doesn’t mean exclusion. It just means you gotta kind of prove yourself a little bit. You gotta be a prospect in this gang before you can join, you know?
Alonzo Banx (17:27)
And Craig, I have to emphasize that a lot of the activities are men coming up and grabbing things they shouldn’t grab. I mean, some extreme actions that I know you would never consider. I don’t think you realize how common those missteps are at events or at parties or way too often.
Craig (17:46)
Yeah,
because I have nothing to benchmark it against, I don’t really know.
Alonzo Banx (17:51)
You know, we’re not talking things like, you know, just be polite in conversation. I mean, there are some egregious things and that’s why you have to overcompensate by making sure that you are polite and you do everything right because you want to make sure that you advertise very clearly that you are not one of those people that’s going to approach wrong. I’ve been on the receiving end with women crossing my lines a number of times.
Cupcake (18:13)
and we’ll see you there.
Alonzo Banx (18:17)
I’ve had to say, ⁓ stop. Consent goes both ways. It’s not just men. A lot of people coming into this community don’t understand those kind of boundaries.
Oslo (18:26)
I can completely agree on that. On multiple occasions I have been to clubs or parties with different kink type vibes and I’ve been in a poly relationship where one, the gentleman must have seen me going around being affectionate with multiple people, multiple men and must have just not known about anything about, you know, the community or the poly itself, but he asked me to dance later in the night. No problem with that. Had a problem when he started trying to push me down.
Alonzo Banx (18:28)
You get that look.
Oslo (18:54)
onto the floor to give him a blowjob on the dance floor. Needless to say, he got escorted out, but he was told exactly what he did. There was no consent talked about that. He just kind of assumed, she’s being flirty with everyone. So I can. Not okay. And then another time at a party, I was with my poly partners and another couple that was just entering into poly themselves. I found out her husband came by and like,
touched my ass very sensually without ever we’ve never been like that with each other before I didn’t know she knew anything about it but when I confronted him and told him hey like what was this about does your wife he was totally polite sorry didn’t know you know so it’s it’s like that you can make mistakes sure like everybody does but that’s why maybe just you going to nightclub or one of these
too much if you’re not versed in, I don’t know, the way to handle it, the way to communicate, the consent ahead of time, especially like with BDSM, same thing, you sign this huge waiver and whatever you’re okay with, whatever you’re not okay with, they’re constantly checking in with you. It’s very similar in a poly relationship too. It’s like, because I had problems with me and my girlfriend sharing one of our boyfriends. We had to do time.
because we were like, okay, there’s emotions getting conflicted here. So it can be tough to navigate, not just when you’re starting, but while you’re in it too.
That was all over the place, but…
Alonzo Banx (20:19)
thank you very much for sharing those. I know those are, it gets kind of personal with those and it really helps when we really explore what is wrong. It helps us make it right. Cupcake, you had something you wanted to say?
Cupcake (20:31)
yeah, just kind of piggybacking off of just knowing and understanding and learning the community. Like another thing I can totally understand that can be tricky to navigate as a new person is going to some of these events, you’re going to find an array of people. You’re going to find people that are strictly BSM, but also might be monogamous. Or you might go in and see a lot of
swinger type couples, or you might see people that are just in poly relationships and that could be all in one event. So going into that you kind of have to be mindful of that because again, like it doesn’t give necessarily because it’s a vulnerable, more sexual atmosphere doesn’t give you permission to, you know, act a certain way. I mean, there’s been other times I mean, I can go on with stories a million times, but you know, a different party I was
walked up to a group, I was saying hi to a few people, there was a gentleman that I had rapport with, never really had anything past friendly conversation, and he like, side hugged me, and then kind of forced my face near his to kiss me on the cheek. Now, granted, that doesn’t sound like something that bad, but in the moment it was like…
okay, that was not what I wanted to happen in that instance, you know, I’m being forced into that and that’s making me uncomfortable and even something simple as that can really cause, you know, turmoil or, you know, uncomfortableness and things like that.
Noah (22:00)
Yeah. You know, I think what would help a lot of people in general, men specifically in this community is understanding two things. consent in this community is probably more strict than you’re used to in your day-to-day dating. And that’s because there is a lot of communication happening between a lot of people and a lot of potentially vulnerable things happening.
that people will be putting themselves in a vulnerable position and if you are not asking for permission and it can be very simple, can I hug you? Right? You meet someone, you’re hitting it off, you can just ask, can I hug you? If they say yes, great, give them a hug, right? Maybe don’t go kiss them. You say, can I kiss you? They can say yes or no. If they say no, respect it. It’s not like you just lost a friend.
They said, no, everything’s fine. Right. If you keep talking to them, can we keep communicating with them? You can try to ask them again later, see if things have changed. Perhaps they have. Right. I think that’s huge. the other thing I, I think is important to understand in the community is, much like every relationship that we have, but kind of also like getting a job. These things are job interviews.
Right? Much like a date is a job interview in a lot of ways. Right? You sit down across the table in front of somebody, you’re putting your best foot forward, they’re putting their best foot forward, and you’re hoping to have some sort of connection and perhaps win each other over. Right? And when you’re walking into a new community, it’s the same way. If you have expectations that people are just going to give you what you want because you showed up, your worldview needs to change.
tremendously. You have lost the plot on life. It takes work to meet people and you have to try. And that means being good, being polite and being respectful.
Craig (23:49)
So let me throw a curve ball, sorry. Let me throw a curve ball at the audience here. So me and Alonzo have had this ⁓ conversation numerous times and I brought this up a few times I’ve been on the show, that I feel that there are more men that are looking for companionship than there are women. And I mean by drastic numbers. I think that a lot of men,
have just given up on dating and relationships, period.
Is it possible that someone who’s going to seek out these kind of groups is looking at this as a last stand, so to speak, and are just trying whatever they can, whether it’s putting water on someone, whether it’s trying to sneak a hug, granted trying to force someone on the floor to do some kind of act is totally wrong no matter what?
But could this just be men’s last cry for companionship? They know that they go to one of these groups, there’s gotta be some openness, some willingness for companionship. So to them, this is just their swan song, so to speak. Could I be right?
Alonzo Banx (24:57)
Cupcake years went up just a little bit before Noah’s, so take the floor first, please.
Cupcake (25:01)
That’s fine, that doesn’t give you permission to act a certain way.
Craig (25:05)
I’m not saying that gives permission. I’m
just saying, is that a way of, of understanding where it’s where this bad behavior is coming from?
Cupcake (25:13)
Sure, but if you are on your last stand, so to speak, and want to get into a community and do whatever you can to have it be successful, would you not put the effort in to make sure that you are on the right path? Be successful. Yeah.
Craig (25:30)
cupcake here.
Alonzo Banx (25:30)
I want to take off with that because
if you combine that with what Noah was just saying a minute ago, if this was your last opportunity to get a job, would you not dress and act accordingly when you went in? If you’re desperate, it is more of a reason to deport yourself correctly, to dress correctly, to act correctly, to make that desperate last stand effective.
If you went into a last job interview already thinking, I’m not going to get it, and you wear crappy clothes, you’re right. It’s a self-fulfilling prophecy. Mr. Noah.
Noah (26:02)
Yeah, I could really talk about this subject for days. So we’ll have to try to keep it short. you know, there’s a lot to unpack here. There is a huge amount of men who are giving up on dating. And I have been reading lately that this has actually been happening on the women’s side too, recently. That being said, if this is your last stand, I’m wondering
why you’re choosing this community as your last stand. Is it because you think it’s gonna be easy? I would actually argue it’s gonna be more difficult. I think that you’re gonna be better off, you know, going and trying to meet people out in person. Quit with the dating apps, guys. I really think that it’s killing you, right? First of all, women in general,
have more options than you. just do. Whether you like it or not, I didn’t make the rules, man, I’m just telling you what they are, right? They have more options. They can decline who you are and find another partner in record time before you’ll even have a chance to get back out there again. And that’s the way our culture is. That’s the way things are set up. I didn’t make the rules. knowing that, what do you have to do? If you’re going to be dating in any scene, whether it’s the poly scene or the monogamous scene,
You, you need to be someone someone wants to be with. If you aren’t that, that’s what you have to solve first. You need to be someone that someone else wants to be with. And that can be a lot of things. Who is your target partner? Is your target partner a Barbie doll who wants lots of gifts? Well, you better be a millionaire and you better work hard to get that.
If your target partner is someone who is going to be encouraging, stay at home and take care of the house. No, you better be able to prepare that kind of life for them. Right. If you want someone who’s hot, well, you better be hot too. Right. Now being ugly isn’t just a state of birth all the time. It can be, but it’s not usually, it usually means hit the gym, take care of yourself, eat right. Whatever it is. Right. It also means.
be a decent human being, learn how to smile, learn how to converse. There’s a trick to being, to Riz as they say, right? You need to be someone people want to get to know. And if that’s not you, I think you need to go back and try working on that before you even try dating. There’s a step that you missed. And I think if you’re trying to go to this community as your last ditch effort, I think you’re confused about,
what it is you’re looking for and how it is that you think you’re going to get what you’re looking for.
Alonzo Banx (28:31)
gets really really good advice. anything to add to that or I’m going to go around with the final question for the night?
Craig (28:37)
No, I think that Noah actually validated most, if not everything, what I was thinking. And I think that he did a wonderful job of putting the pieces together.
Bravo.
Alonzo Banx (28:49)
Ladies, before I ask the final question for the night, I want to directly have you address something that Craig said. With your circle of female friends, are there more women or men dating than women or women out there looking? How do we address the perception that there are more men than there are women? Ash.
Ash (29:10)
There are definitely women looking, but like Noah said, like nowadays, most people go to dating apps. It’s convenient. You can do it from your couch. You don’t have to get all dressed up to go to the bar. But because of the way that majority of men act in these situations and, you know, mean, women too, honestly,
It’s difficult. It’s really difficult because when you say hi, what’s up? How’s it going? What’s your favorite color? And then you get a dick pic. You’re like, all right, well, I’m fucking over you already. Or, you know, you can have instances like my buddy. He met a girl at a gas station last week. He called me and he’s like, my God, she was so sweet and amazing. Like gave me all these compliments. We exchanged numbers. We’re going on a date tonight. And I was so excited for him. But they go on the date and she immediately gets.
very sexually aggressive with him in the middle of the restaurant, speaking very loudly about what she would like to do to him to the point where he was offending the owners of the restaurant. And being the poor sweet man he is, he took her back to his house and they got a little frisky and she goes, I’m quitting my job at the gas station. I’m moving in with you and your dad. I’m going to take care of you. We’re going to have babies. We’re going to get married. They’ve met 12 hours ago. So it kind of goes both ways. Like when you have to deal with so many
crazies in the dating scene like it gets exhausting trying to weed out just finding someone that is right for you
Alonzo Banx (30:33)
Also, are there as many women or are there more men looking than there are women?
Oslo (30:35)
Thank
Definitely don’t think so. I think women might have it easier on finding someone. Finding, that doesn’t mean finding someone that we actually connect with or is gonna be a good match. Just finding people in general. I don’t know what that is. Maybe men are just more sexual and we’re just like, make us feel pretty and then they do and then they leave and it’s great. It’s like, but no.
I don’t think so. think, and I definitely don’t think Polly would be the first or your last stitch effort if you were having trouble in the regular dating scene because it’s, this usually requires, you you’re with multiple people. Having one person is already hard dealing with trying to juggle multiple people and social health practices. And like I said, time allocation, living arrangements, if you’re not even able to do that with one person, multiple is going to be.
hard if not impossible. I don’t think, yeah, in dating apps, the culture, I mean, I hate that when I was single for many years, even being bisexual and being, you know, poly and doing all these things, I had some trouble connecting with people. And yeah, I don’t know. I think people just in general in the dating scene need to be more honest about what they want, not where they’re making, you know, people at a restaurant totally uncomfortable.
Not that loudly and maybe not after 12 hours, but she should have been like these are the things I’m looking for Are you cool with that? You know, and I think that’s a huge thing that’s missing and just dating in general as people are scared and maybe met women being more emotional We’re more upfront with it So it seems like we have an easier time dating also I think most women that I have met in this life are Open to also dating other women. So just to have that type of connection with somebody
So I think maybe that has something to do with it.
Alonzo Banx (32:19)
I think you’re right. You can also add a what point in your life you’re at. As a senior man, can tell you senior dating is very different. people wanting to move very quickly in the senior world is very common.
It’s yeah, I’m not ready to get married the first week. We’ve known each other. Sorry Okay, so let’s keep this on track go back to where we were and go one time around and ladies I’m gonna pick on the three of you specifically Also if someone wanted to approach you and your polycule What is the best way that they can do that? What is a good polite way that someone can come up?
Oslo (32:33)
See you.
Alonzo Banx (32:59)
and find out who you are.
Oslo (33:01)
I think there’s the way you would with any other person. Just approach it friendly at first, not super charged like sexually charged or anything. Get to know them on that level first, build some type of rapport and comfortability and then just, know, hey, would you like to go to dinner? You know, or would both of you if there was, you know, two that they were approaching or something, just the way you would any other, you know, asking anyone else on a date.
Alonzo Banx (33:25)
Cupcake, don’t worry, no, I’m gonna keep you for last. Cupcake, if someone wanted to approach the three of you when you’re out, wanted to join into your polytool, what’s the best advice you can give a guy who sees you and goes, I wanna get to know her better?
Cupcake (33:43)
Okay. I think maybe coming into the situation not having any expectations on what you’re getting from it. I think sometimes that can be the difference. I would say that, and this is a general
observation, I’m not saying this is 100 % of the time, women don’t generally have an expectation right away. They need, I mean, at least me, need time to discover what could be possible with this person, rather than, oh, this is what I want immediately, and I’m going to figure it out based on that person. But being able to approach people and genuinely just wanting to feel them out as people connect,
find out what everyone’s you know situation is and growing it and not expecting a
What is it?
drawing a blank, but you know, like instant gratification from it, know, instant gratification. That would be my point. It goes back to also saying, you know, with women, is there a lot more women out there? It may just be that there is the same amount, but again, they may not be as open and out looking for it because of, you know, the vulnerability of it and what situations have happened to them in their past.
Alonzo Banx (34:32)
I think you said it well, they have not having it. Right.
And that’s the thing I want to add is in my experience and being on the receiving end of my emails, there are as many, if not more women looking than there are men. Women need to be approached differently. Women don’t go out hunting on dating apps. Women are looking to be approached correctly. men as the aggressor.
tend to think there’s not as many because they tend to go after the ones that happen that are more shiny and not realizing that there are quite a few women out there that would love to be approached. Do it with style. Do it with dignity. Do it with respect. And you’ll find a whole lot of women are very receptive. Ash, your thoughts.
Ash (35:33)
⁓ as the girl said, be genuine, be friendly, be honest with not only yourself, but with the people you’re communicating with. And you know, there’s no need to be aggressive. If things will happen, they will happen, but it’s going to happen naturally. It’s not, you know, it’s not a buffet. We’re still people. We have feelings, we have emotions and we want to be respected. And you know, that’ll take you a long way just to respect a woman and her
her partners properly before just coming up and saying, hey, nice tits, you know what I mean?
Alonzo Banx (36:05)
And Mr. Ash, or Mr. Noah, sorry, as our resident good-looking bad boy with your polycule, what happens when a woman wants to approach you?
Noah (36:15)
That’s an excellent question.
If a woman wants to approach me, I don’t really see it being really that much different than how I’d want to approach a woman. Just come talk to me, be friendly, right? And if you’re interested, flirt. Do the typical flirting stuff we’ve all learned about ever since we were kids, right? You flip your hair, you touch my arm, whatever it is, right? That’s flirting. And if…
I’m picking up what you’re putting down, then we’re going to have a great time and we will introduce you to, you know, a cupcake and cookie. And if there is a vibe, then we’re going to have an even better time. Um, I think, I think that’s really all it comes down to. And that’s how I want to approach a woman is in the same way, right? Nonthreatening, but confident.
Alonzo Banx (36:58)
Absolutely. think Ash, your statement about respect, I think that’s what a lot of it comes down to, respect the people involved. Mr. Craig, I’m to give you the last word for tonight. Any takeaways, any thoughts? Have we done anything to change your opinions tonight?
Craig (37:13)
Change my opinion. I didn’t come here to or not a part to have really my opinions changed. Like I said, I’m kind of like this outsider looking in. If anything, especially after listening to Noah, it’s I think that relationships are seriously hurting, especially on the side of men. I think that any inappropriate behavior, you know,
I think that it might be a sign of desparativity or worse yet, sickness. I think that dating and relationships are damaged and I quite don’t understand it. Like I said, I grew up in a household that was incredibly conservative, mother and father, that never left each other’s side.
It’s weird for me because I’m the only person in my family that ever got a divorce and I’m just lost. So, ⁓ it’s kind of about it.
Alonzo Banx (38:05)
Go ahead, Ash. You had something that I want to address with Craig.
Ash (38:08)
I will make
this quick, but I do have something to say in regards to Craig is that a lot of the older generations were very conservative when it came to dating. was a lot of courtship. Nowadays, sadly, the conservative conservativeness and just the mere romantic part of dating has gone out the window due to the exposure that people have to the internet, to pornographic material, to
Different opinions in the way that things should be. So I know psychologically, like people who are addicted to porn see women more as an item than they do a human being, which can cause a lot of bad social interactions. Also not being able to really get social interaction from like a day to day of meeting people in person. Like we do revert back to meeting people online has made people difficult to socialize.
properly and understand other people’s emotions and empathic level if that makes sense. like coming from a conservative family you expect it to be like they go on a date and they share a milkshake and they spend from high school forever together. But that’s not how ⁓ we are now designed or developed due to the exposure that we have to the world and the things on the internet sadly.
Alonzo Banx (39:21)
said. Mr. Kregens, we wind this up tonight. I want to address something with you.
One of my concerns with starting this podcast had always been that we would end up in an echo chamber, a bunch of people who all had the same opinions. And in the world that we live in right now, being polarized in opinions is getting to be a little too norm. I truly appreciate you coming on this podcast and I truly appreciate you and your positions and your willingness to be open and to not always agree. I want you to know for me, I think that is something that should be applauded.
very much recognized it’s something that I like on this call and I think you add a very good mix to it. Thank you for being brave enough. Thank you for being brave enough to take an opposing position in a world right now which tends to beat people down for doing that. thank you. Anyone else have any final words before we wrap up tonight?
Craig (40:00)
There’s always gotta be one.
Alonzo Banx (40:14)
Nope, bunch of shaking heads, no. Thank you everyone. Also Cupcake, Heather, Greg, Noah, and Ash. Thank you for being on tonight. This has been one of our great calls. I like tonight and I will see you all next week.