In this special PolySoCal Podcast Roundtable, Alonzo Banx gathers voices from across our community — Cookie, Noah, Cupcake, Patty, and Captain Lin — for an open, fireside-style conversation about the beliefs around love and commitment we’ve all had to unlearn. From breaking free of “one true love” conditioning to learning that jealousy can be a teacher, each guest shares personal experiences, lessons, and advice for navigating polyamory with authenticity. This episode is a heartfelt, thought-provoking exchange that invites you to reflect on your own journey toward love without limits.
Cupcake (00:21.563)
Hello.
Patty (00:21.631)
Bye.
Cookie (00:22.002)
Hello?
Noah (00:22.075)
Hi.
Thala (00:22.766)
Hi
Alonzo Banx (00:24.186)
Alright, so…
Let me set the ground here, okay? We set the scene. We’re do this very, we’re theater kids here, so we gotta put this right, okay? It’s a warm summer night. We’re all gathered around the fire in our venue. Bellies are full from the great meal we just had, and we spent the whole day with communication, getting to know each other, and we all wanna relax with your choice of beverage, if you decide. And we’re gonna dive into a question tonight. But what I wanna do first,
is I want to go through some introductions, have you all talk about who you are and why you’re here. And then as we do this, I want you all to explore the question and ask questions, be interactive with this, talk this all through. So we’re to go around and, Patty, why don’t you start?
Patty (01:15.285)
Hi, I’m Patti. I have been poly for close to 30 years. I’m married. I’ve been with my husband for 31 years and we are currently in a quad dynamic. We have been for a year. I am helping facilitate
this podcast and looking to learn and grow myself because I think things are a journey, but also to offer support for people who are new to this lifestyle as well.
Alonzo Banx (01:59.174)
Thanks. Take care.
Thala (02:03.822)
that’s me. You changed my name and we didn’t have a conversation about that. Okay. So I’m not used to it. So, Thela, it’s not fitting, Alonzo. But anyway, my name, I’m just gonna say, I go by Captain Lin and other venues and I have been, had my awakening at the age of 46 after being, divorced and kind of moving from that to traditional monogamous.
Cupcake (02:05.393)
you
Alonzo Banx (02:07.845)
You
Thala (02:33.486)
model that we’ve all been raised with and I just said yes to everything and and and I also philosophy try everything twice which I did a lot of it you decide if I really liked it or not and if I loved it I continue to do it so I’ve been through the swinging community I’ve been I’ve played a lot in the different BDSM arenas currently exploring the Tantras conscious community and
Finding my own blend in all of that. I’ve had a triad experience early on and a lot of lessons learned about communication and how important that is. Like you guys were speaking of on our last, on the first podcast. I was really relating to a lot of that, yeah, those lessons are good there. And then the self exploration and knowing oneself, like being in relationship to others and the value of having a conflict come up.
and how to work through it. Those are things I really value in my life and I’m also here about promoting that for others that are exploring it or curious about the different lifestyles I’ve already explored and supporting them to do it in a healthy, positive way for the best outcome for all.
Alonzo Banx (03:59.418)
Cupcake? New? Or not sweet?
Cupcake (04:01.007)
me.
I am Cupcake. I have been with my husband for eight years, married three. I’ve been in probably BDSM community for going on about 10 plus years, often on dipping toes, you know, when the situation was right. My husband and I have always been monogamous-ish is what we would call it. And always just never really like…
being super structural and like if we wanted to experience something we would experience as long as we were both, you know, on the same page and, you know, feeling in the right, you know, mood and head space. I mean, COVID kind of paused a lot of that because not a lot of people were doing a lot of that stuff. But I would say we have been pretty fully open for a little over a year. And
Couple months after that kind of opened up is when I met Cookie and Noah and we’ve been in a relationship for, would say almost a year, technically, guess. September would be sit ish, I guess, if you want to count. don’t know. Yeah. So I just exploring new part of my life, you know, going from what you thought was mono, you know, normality and what you were supposed to do, get married, have a house, get
have babies and be with one person the rest of your life and not doing that and just kind of learning as you go and dipping your toes and taking one step at a time and just enjoying my life more than I ever did before.
Alonzo Banx (05:44.965)
Cookie?
Cookie (05:47.668)
I am Cookie. I am… I’m trying to remember how long we’ve really been playing with this. I wanna say, you know, Polly’s pretty new for me. I guess we’ve been doing this for like maybe two years, a year and a half, somewhere in that. And my relationship with Noah is still somewhat new. I guess we’re a little over three years together now, which is wild to think about.
Noah (06:13.788)
you
Cookie (06:15.252)
Um, and really, you know, diving into the poly life, uh, diving into BDSM life, uh, really started with him for me. I really didn’t do much of that beforehand. Um, I’ve been, you know, bisexual for sure since middle school and in my time between then and now I experienced a few threesomes, but nothing was ever really like commitment based or, know, ongoing, um,
dynamic based like I have now. So I’m new in this space. I feel like it’s a really exciting time to be entering this space. I feel like there’s a lot of people talking about it. There’s a lot more examples of these types of relationships being modeled and it’s a fun and interesting time to kind of be diving into it and be part of it. And there’s a lot of information to know and learn. But I feel like and I have kind of been exploring that together.
while we’ve been together and sharing that with Cupcake and yeah, just slowly growing and appreciating this dynamic has been fun for us.
Alonzo Banx (07:27.492)
Noah.
Noah (07:29.178)
Yeah, so yeah, I’m Noah. I’m here because I’m a little bit of a narcissist and I like to hear myself talk. But as far as the dynamic is concerned, I suppose I would like to correct Cookie just a little bit. I’d say we’ve been together for a few years. I would say we’ve always been poly because we’ve always talked about a relationship in that way. However, we’re kind of selective, right? We don’t just…
Cookie (07:52.372)
too.
Noah (07:57.464)
meet someone and decide that they’re the next person in line sort of thing. So we just hadn’t found another person that we were both interested in or either one of us was interested in until probably about a year or so into our relationship. But it started with us kind of talking about how we always wanted to be open. But yeah, I think we’ve really done a lot of exploration.
of ourselves and each other and I think in meeting Cupcake we’ve really found something pretty special.
Alonzo Banx (08:35.813)
It sounds like we’ve got a well-rounded group tonight. So here’s the question for the table, okay? What’s the one belief about love or commitment that you had to unlearn and how did that shift the way you show up in your current relationships?
Alonzo Banx (09:00.133)
Someone jump on that. Who feels the most connected to that statement?
Noah (09:06.396)
I’ll go first. So for me, think, you know, always in my previous relationships, they were all monogamous. And it was trained in me, I think in a lot of ways to be, to react with some jealousy when certain things would happen.
Cupcake (09:06.523)
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Noah (09:35.42)
But I remember in those moments, like I said, act jealous. I was performing. I remember explicitly not feeling all that jealous when I felt like I should be. And so I would put on an act and a performance otherwise. Being in the relationship that I’m in, or the relationships that I’m in now.
And having so much openness and love from both of them has allowed me to shed all the need to do that play acting that I was doing this. they talk to someone. I should probably ask them what’s going on. Right. Or something like that. I don’t I don’t feel that need anymore. And that has been probably the biggest shift for me and the biggest thing that I’ve allowed myself to shed. was less.
less an actual emotion or a feeling that I was having and more of a role that I thought I was playing.
Alonzo Banx (10:39.685)
Peace.
Patty (10:40.449)
I think for me, I connect to that statement because I grew up being told you can only love one person, you had to be with that one person forever, really had to…
I guess I questioned that really early on and feel like love should be shared. It’s endless. You can love many people. It doesn’t have to be limited to one. I also really learned that…
I think in a monogamous relationship sometimes things are, jealousy is viewed as a bad thing and I view jealousy as a tool. What is going on inside me, what’s underneath that jealousy, what thing do I need to work on, what thing in my relationship will make me feel more secure. So I feel like…
in a relationship where you have more than one people, are constantly learning and growing instead of being stagnant. And I grew up learning that being stagnant was fine. This is as good as it’s gonna get. But life is very short and it’s a journey. And I believe that we should always continue to evolve and always continue to show love in whatever capacity that is for us in our relationships.
Alonzo Banx (12:09.763)
nice. Cookie? Cupcake? Or Captain? Any one of you?
Cupcake (12:12.273)
I guess I’ll dive into the, you know, unlearning the fact that like I expected my partner to be everything I needed and everything to me. And granted, that doesn’t mean that that person’s not. Cherished or important, but I put too much expectations on that person needing to fill everything that I needed in my life and then be upset.
when they couldn’t. And I’ve learned to unlearn that because I’m cherishing more about, you know, my partners and what they do feel rather than focusing on what they can’t fulfill in me and being able to just explore in finding different parts of people that I care about or love and cherishing those parts of them and what they bring to me as a person.
not focusing on the, well, that’s, you know, they don’t do that. That’s a negative in this relationship and just being able to, you know, kind of grow with that.
Cookie (13:21.926)
think culturally the word commitment is often associated with a singular commitment. Like you are committed to this one thing and we’ll do it for relationships, we’ll do it for a career path, we’ll do it for schooling, we’ll do it for anything just to kind of like wedge you in this box where we can like predict where you’re going to go or something. Maybe it’s some means of simplifying the complexity of life but I feel like kind of unlearning that expectation that commitment doesn’t have to mean one thing.
commitment can mean maybe you have a commitment to values and through your values you are committed to many things. think it is that oversimplification of the word commitment that I think gets people in a lot of trouble or feeling like they’re in a trap or some kind of limiting situation that they can’t get out of or can’t…
expand out of, can’t grow out of. I think, you know, unlearning that association of commitment to having to be dedicated to one thing, to one person was kind of big for me and having a relationship where I was permissed to do that, where, you know, it feels natural to do, but it’s not really something that I think culturally is set up and facilitated for us. And that’s been kind of an interesting journey to kind of explore and realize. And I’ve
found my openness and flexibility in terms of relationships is also, it’s also reflected in my interests. I’m interested in many types of arts. I’m interested in many types of disciplines and possible career paths. And this is kind of a natural extension of how I like to explore like a vast array of possibilities and experiences. And then in terms of love, feel like, well, love can also be exclusive, but I also feel like
when you’re growing up, when you’re young and people talk about love, it’s always talked about in the abstract and you’re always kind of trying to figure out like what is love? I loving someone right now? Is this love? Is that love? And I think like love is one of those things where there’s different kinds of love, there’s different levels of love and there’s so much to appreciate under the umbrella of love.
Cookie (15:37.923)
And again, like both of those terms, feel like initially often feel limiting, but they don’t have to be. And I think they’re way more beautiful when you don’t limit them. When, you know, you get to really explore what that is for you.
Thala (15:56.436)
I will jump in now. It’s interesting hearing everybody say what, where they, kind of, when you asked me that question, I come back to one of the biggest things I had to unlearn was when I was first in a triad relationship. And…
finding that my partner, like we were falling in love with each other and it felt like more of that traditional sense that I’d grown up with. You know, like this is what love feels like. It was intense new relationship energy and I was angsting for him when he wasn’t with me and that became a mutual feeling between us. But with that, also I discovered that he was expressing a lot of jealousy when I would talk about wanting to date other people because he was going home to his wife.
I was single by myself, so my only relationship was with him. And I started doing things like telling white lies. And that is what is my biggest learning I came, it’s so pivotal for me to realize the damage I was doing by trying to protect his feelings that he was very, he was expressing, right? And I was really struggling to be present with those emotions, because I didn’t really get it yet. And so I was…
not telling him I was going on a date. But of course he’d find out and then the whole thing would explode. you know, and at the end of the day, it really was the catalyst that kind of tore us apart and versus being able to grow and learn from it. But in hindsight, personally, I discovered like, wow, telling my truths, regardless of how it might be received or land on the other person is the most important thing. Because if I don’t tell my truths,
I’m not giving them the opportunity to authentically be present with me and to love me. I think that was the hugest learning I can. It was pivotal for me in choosing to be in this lifestyle and to choose to be Pauly. So now moving forward, I definitely identify as Pauly and discovered that I’m, you know, I feel like I’m…
Thala (17:57.227)
I don’t even like to identify myself as bisexual. I just love everybody. If our energy is good, you know, there’s love there. And how do we express that? How do we expand it? And finding…
Cupcake (18:01.201)
you
Thala (18:10.355)
you know, one or two people or a tribe of people where that love can be expressed and felt at a heart level on the individual as might be myself, but then to be able to see it and those that I choose to relate with. And, you know, we’re just improving our entire community by living from this space. So.
I don’t know if I really got to the answer about love, that’s my experience of it today is like, and that catalyst of that one, not telling the truth, like telling a little white lie, which was always okay before, right? Like we did that to protect people. Yeah, don’t do that.
Alonzo Banx (18:55.107)
I threw out a term of unlearning. I threw out the term un-learning. What did you have to unlearn? Is that the right term? Is it unlearning? Is it learning something different? And how do you face it? I mean, I think that’s one of the biggest issues that people that are getting into this have to face is how do they get themselves
Thala (18:58.581)
Well, I threw out the term unlearned. What did you have to unlearn? Unlearned. yeah. that the right term? Is it unlearning? it learning something different? And how do you face it?
Alonzo Banx (19:22.793)
over that transition. So the question is, is unlearning the right word?
Patty (19:34.464)
I definitely think unlearning is the right word, if I can jump in. I think that it is a lifelong thing that you slowly do. We do that in a lot of different areas in our life, I think. You unlearn some of the things that you grew up being told as you get older. You have to unlearn them and think for yourself. I think it’s very similar to that in a polyamorous world where you
constantly challenge those core things that you grew up thinking and really define for yourself what you believe as a whole person now, as an adult now.
Cupcake (20:19.025)
I’m going jump in and I agree with that. It’s kind of like habits and you have to unlearn a habit. You have to, you know, change the way you think about it, change the constant way you’re doing it each time. And I would say that we’ve grown up with these habits of what we’ve been told is normal and what we’ve been told that you’re supposed to do. And you have to unlearn that habit and change the habit and start thinking differently.
Thala (20:19.472)
I am.
Cupcake (20:48.249)
Each time you do it, make sure you’re reminding yourself that it’s not what it was. have to keep reminding yourself and that can be hard for a lot of people. I can see that a lot of people would get into this lifestyle and not be able to break those habits and possibly go a different way or they go into it trying to save a relationship.
neither one or the other is not able to change those habits or that mindset. Do I think there’s monogamous relationships that are healthy and can last forever? Sure. Yeah, absolutely. But, you know, again, that’s it’s the habit of unlearning what you’ve been told is normal and kind of going from there.
Noah (21:33.69)
Yeah, I agree with that. think the biggest thing that we
Thala (21:34.056)
Yeah, I agree with that. think the big.
Noah (21:39.746)
unlearn is almost everything we’ve been taught about how we are supposed to live. And I think that goes beyond just, know, a poly or any other alternative lifestyle choices, right? I think it ultimately comes down to, we are only on this trip one time and there is no formula for how that works. And we are taught.
as we’re growing up and it’s reinforced, even as we’re adults, that there is a formula to how we are supposed to live our lives. And while I am sure that formula works for some, I am positive that it’s not for everyone and maybe not even most, right? And I think a lot of people go through life, myself included, for a very long time, checking boxes or
writing inside certain guidelines because you’re afraid of being told you’re not doing it right, of rejection, of the consequences of social stigma or what have you. And I think it ultimately holds all of us back in unlearning those unnecessary…
restrictions, those limits that we put in ourselves, I think is…
something that I think most people do as they get older and they learn. And I wish I could help younger people get to that sooner, right? I don’t think we need to hit a midlife crisis before we realize some of these things. Maybe we can learn some of these things a little bit earlier and have a longer, more healthy, happier life for it. So yeah, anyways.
Alonzo Banx (23:36.496)
Well, I think you gave me the perfect segue as we come towards the end, which is the majority of our listeners are here because they’re facing these trials. They’re in that transition point in life and trying to figure out how to get to the other side. So from each of you, speaking directly to the listener.
Thala (23:37.002)
I think he gave you the perfect segue as we come towards the end.
Alonzo Banx (24:00.218)
who is on this right now trying to understand how to reach that next level. What advice do you have for them?
Noah (24:11.644)
For me personally, it’s gonna take a lot of self-reflection. For one, you need to understand where it is you want to go and who it is that you want to be. If you don’t know that yet, you need to start doing some more exploration. And that’s gonna be where you’re gonna start probably pushing some of your boundaries right off the bat. And exploration can mean anything just from trying to pick up a new hobby to maybe that career change you’ve been thinking about or what have you, but.
stepping outside your comfort zone, once you know who it is that you wanna be, now you’re probably gonna have to start taking some steps that might feel painful. And it really depends on where you’re at in life, what your entanglements are, what restrictions you have on what that’s gonna look like. I don’t recommend anyone just explodes their life and turns everything upside down, unless it is the only way to be happy.
But.
It is a reality I think that a lot of people have to face. If you’ve built much of your life on lying to yourself, being truthful with yourself probably means you’re going to have to hurt some feelings, break some hearts, and maybe hurt yourself even financially for a little while before you get yourself back up right again. And hopefully when you come out the other side, you can start living the life you’ve always wanted to live.
If you’re lucky, you do that early. You do it when you’re young and you start living the life you wanted to live. And if you haven’t, that’s where some of that pain comes in. But I think it’s pain that’s necessary.
Thala (26:01.861)
I would say something that could help.
earlier is to recognize that others are our mirrors. Like it’s really hard to see our own shadows and until you start to have tools to actually do that and sit and be with yourself and go, huh, that just happened. And I feel like, what do I feel like being able to understand our reactions to what’s going on around us, you know, whether it’s at work, any of these interactions we come across works, relationships, family, like all
of the, use the word trigger, but you know, hooks and all that, we’ve got those terms, catalysts to bringing up an emotion that we might be in practice of stuffing down or not feeling. I’ve recently learned that I just never expressed anger, for instance. And so where was all that anger? Because clearly I probably had some along the way.
So being able tap into our emotions early gives access to discovering more who am I and what really matters to me. And I, you know, how do you get there? How do you realize that that’s a thing to focus on?
you know, obviously somebody needs to start asking the questions, like maybe they’re just not happy with their life and they stumble across this podcast and poly poly so Cal and have the conversations, but getting putting oneself into community.
Thala (27:37.898)
that has values that values that change values that self-reflection i think is one of the steps to actually get there sooner and you know i’m i’m really being off the cuff right now because i you know i was late in life for me and i wish it had been in my thirties because i would have so many different relationships with some really lovely people back then that asked me to be more courageous in relating and in sexual interactions and i was just scared and i didn’t have the tools
to actually say, okay, I don’t know, I’m scared. It’ll say I’m scared, but yes.
You know, do we get people to discover that that’s a really valuable thing to start doing early in life? I don’t know that I know the answer. I’m just speaking from what I wish had happened.
Patty (28:32.191)
I for me I discovered poly when I was…
in my teens, when I was 19, is when we started experimenting with my husband. And what I’ve learned along the way is that if you’re looking to get into polyamory, expect to be challenged. Expect to grow. Expect to…
need to learn tools to manage jealousy, need to learn effective communication tools.
expect to evolve as a person. would advise anybody looking to get into the lifestyle to learn everything you possibly can about it. To understand what that means if you have more than one partner. How do you divide up your time? How do you manage having the excitement of a new relationship while still making sure that you’re
your longer term relationship feels just as exciting. There’s a lot of resources out like SoCal Poly. There are a lot of support groups. So before, you know, just kind of willy-nilly jumping in, it’s helpful to really understand what dynamics there are out there. There’s many, many different types of poly
Patty (30:11.075)
And you don’t have to, there’s no right or wrong way other than honoring yourself, honoring your partners, and being the best that you can be. So that’s what I would say getting from, you know, over that hump, like getting from one thing to a next would be to learn as much as you possibly can and expect that you will grow a lot in the process.
Cupcake (30:35.611)
to jump on the right or wrong. Like there’s been a motto that I’ve been trying to kind of again habit, changing a habit, a motto that I’ve been trying to live by is that it’s not wrong, it’s just different. And being able to know, like I wish that when I was younger and I had these thoughts of different from, you know, social norm, it wasn’t wrong. I wasn’t broken. There wasn’t something wrong with me that I was not.
normal or and just know that like it’s not wrong it’s just different and being able to explore that when I was younger in a more healthy way rather than just assuming that I was broken.
Noah (31:19.1)
Just to add to that, can I just say, can you imagine anything more devastatingly awful than being normal?
Cupcake (31:25.593)
It sucks. I don’t want to be it.
Alonzo Banx (31:31.856)
Thank you all very much. This has been an amazing inaugural chat we had tonight. Thank you all for being part of it. And I hope that you will all come back and join us again on many more. Thank you. Good night.
Patty (31:48.737)
Okay.
Noah (31:48.77)
Absolutely. Thanks for having us.
Cupcake (31:48.827)
Yeah. Again, again.
Thala (31:49.157)
Thank you. This is fabulous. Again,
Cookie (31:49.523)
Absolutely.
He he he he.