In this powerful, vulnerable roundtable, the PolySoCal community explores a single, profound question: “If society never judged your relationships, how would that change the way you love?” What unfolds is a raw and deeply human conversation about family rejection, corporate fear, the grief of lost friendships, and the bittersweet path to self-acceptance.
Voices range from seasoned poly veterans to newer explorers—each sharing the emotional weight of secrecy, the strength it takes to live authentically, and the quiet resilience of loving out loud in a world that often misunderstands. With stories of parenting, queer identity, chosen family, and intergenerational growth, this episode is a moving portrait of love that refuses to be boxed in.
Alonzo Banx (00:01)
Welcome back to the Poly SoCal podcast. I am Alonzo Banks and we have got an incredible crew in tonight. I’m thrilled with the group. We’ve got some new people, some old faces or old voices as it is. And the question tonight is going to be one about your thoughts. So with that.
Say hi everybody.
Jojo (00:25)
Hello.
Cupcake (00:25)
Bye.
Heather (00:25)
Hi.
Wally (00:26)
All right.
Alonzo Banx (00:27)
let’s go around the screen real quick. We’re to go around my screen clockwise, give everyone a quick chance to say hello, who you are and what you’re here for. Jojo new to the podcast. I’m going to put you in the hot seat right away.
Jojo (00:41)
Hello, I am Jojo. I am Wally’s partner and I’m looking forward to the discussion we’re going to have tonight.
Noah (00:51)
Yeah, my name is Noah. And yeah, I’m also eager for the discussion tonight. I’ve been practicing poly for a couple of years now, so I’d consider myself still relatively new, eager to keep learning with the crew here.
Alonzo Banx (01:02)
It’s good to have you back. Another new face tonight. Wally.
Wally (01:07)
I’m Wally, new to this podcast as well, and relationship with Jojo. I’m honestly not big of a talker, I’m more of a listener, so you probably won’t be hearing a lot from me, but a lot of nods and smiles and why not.
Alonzo Banx (01:20)
Well, we look forward to your questions and I’m thrilled to have you here. and now the famous or infamous, cupcake, I, you’re making, you’re making quite a splash on this podcast out there. I gotta tell you.
Cupcake (01:31)
me? I’m Cupcake, no I’m weird. And I have been in and out of the lifestyle, probably tipping toes for the first like six or seven years and then a lot more full-first into it in the last couple years, but this is what my third podcast so I’m glad to be here.
Alonzo Banx (01:52)
to have you back. Miss Ash.
Ash (01:56)
Hi, I’m Ash. I’ve been in the lifestyle for about eight years or so now. I’m also, I also host with Alonzo at some of the events and I’m just excited to see what topics get brought up tonight.
Alonzo Banx (02:10)
and glad to have you here tonight. First time on this podcast. Although you’ve been with us at events, it’s your first time on. And Heather, a voice that’s been with us now a few times.
Ash (02:14)
Yes.
Heather (02:21)
Hi, I’m Heather. I’ve been in lifestyle for about eight years. I’ve been in poly for the past three years. And my boyfriend John is with us tonight too.
Alonzo Banx (02:33)
Welcome, and would you please just to Mr. John, welcome back, sir.
Jon (02:38)
Thank you, thank you. This is my second time here. Excited to be a part of it again. I have been E or Polly for the last 30 years, I guess now, and in a relationship with, it’s a quad relationship with Heather Beebe and my wife, Patty. And yeah, looking forward to this conversation. I’ve had a lot of ups and downs and ins and outs with this topic today. So I’ve got stories for you.
Alonzo Banx (03:03)
Awesome. Yeah, this is an interesting topic tonight. And as always, I’m going to throw the conversation out there and kind of step back and let everyone jump in and talk about how you feel about the question. So tonight, if you knew your relationships could never be judged by society, how might that change the way that you love?
Noah (03:30)
Hmm.
Alonzo Banx (03:30)
who wants to
take that on first?
Noah, come on.
Noah (03:35)
Yeah, absolutely. I, for me, I think it would be incredible to be able to be open, not just with my, my blood family, but specifically with my child, right? To be able to, without worrying about what that might look like to the outside world and how that might affect him and how he might be.
seen by his friends or whatever, right? I’m not trying to traumatize my child in any way like that. And it would be amazing to be able to be more free and open about that in my life, for sure.
Alonzo Banx (04:12)
Yeah, I think that’s an issue that plagues most of us is the family and the close people that don’t really understand the lifestyle. Ash, you got something to add to that?
Ash (04:22)
So for me, I’ve always been very open and honest with my child and I have raised her as to what I’ve always thought is I don’t give a fuck what other people think. So she knows that I’m poly. She knows that I have friends who come cuddle in my bed and you know, she’s a very, she’s very much a character herself. She doesn’t fit in. She’s not going to until she gets older, but.
It’s better to not harbor the fear of being judged by the outside world because I feel like that causes more anxiety than actually being judged by them in my opinion. It’s just one of those things like you’re always going to be judged by one person or another no matter what you do, where you go, where you work. Like someone will judge you for something so there’s no point in hiding parts of yourself. Obviously don’t flaunt it in front of your kid. Don’t be walking around with a leash and collar dragging people to the house.
little too far but you know it’s good for them to understand like that there’s an honesty there with yourself so they know how to be honest with themselves.
Noah (05:24)
Yeah, I think, you know, had I started doing this sooner and perhaps been able to, so, you know, my, my son is a teenager and I didn’t start being Polly until he was basically a teenager. And due to all the other circumstances in my family, I think it’s,
a little more difficult to kind of introduce him to that, especially considering just kind of, you know, where he is with his mother, et cetera. Yeah, I think that’s really where the struggle comes from is less what I think people think of me in particular and more about how he will internalize how I’m living my life now.
Ash (06:10)
is fair.
Alonzo Banx (06:12)
Cupcake you think you wanted to say something
Cupcake (06:15)
no, I mean was just jumping in on the specifically blood family and all of my childhood I kind of had a mother that always wanted to fix me. And whether or not she kind of understood or even knew kind of the struggle or the questions that I would ask myself throughout my dating life and it was always a trying to fix me type of situation and that you know
had to start teaching myself that again, it’s not wrong, it’s just different and that took me many years. But I still struggle with the fact that I’m in a very open poly relationship with Noah and Cookie and my husband, who’s also starting to date on his own. And people ask me, what about your parents? I’m in that state of right now it’s not worth it to even go into that conversation.
You know, like, it’s not gonna be accepted and like, granted, you love to want to be accepted by your parents or your family or your… It’s… I just can’t get there right there, right then. And I don’t know if I ever will, unfortunately. And it’s been a struggle definitely because my brother doesn’t even have contact with my parents anymore. So now I’m the favorite child, which is terrible.
I don’t want to be that so it’s definitely I mean that would be the first thing is just being able to be accepted by my parents and my family.
Alonzo Banx (07:36)
John?
Jon (07:37)
Yes, I do think sometimes that it has a lot to do with sort of the company that you’re keeping, right? So when you’re new to Poly and you haven’t developed that sort of community around you that is supportive of that, then breaking everybody into it in your life can be a challenge for sure. But for me, I think…
Both my wife, Patty and I have had very different opinions about it as we went along. ⁓ For me, I’ve always been happy to be open at work. I wanted to surround myself with a community of people that knew me fully and authentically. But Patty was working as an in-home daycare provider. So her people were lot of like parents of children that she was watching and stuff, whatever.
Sometimes being a little bit open about that would have been a challenge for her financially really and As far as just how people felt about her watching their kids and stuff or something like that like there’s that fear So she tended to keep things a little bit closer to her chest But but yeah with our kids I think it’s almost a year ago we Accidentally came out of the closet with them and they’re all adult children now, but
They shockingly found out about us with way too many graphic details. And they sort of treating us like ⁓ we did come out of a closet, know, trying to be very supportive. They’re very queer friendly and stuff. it was humorous and traumatizing all at the same time. Yes.
Alonzo Banx (09:03)
For you or for them?
Cupcake (09:06)
All of the above.
Alonzo Banx (09:08)
Heather, you look like you had something you wanted to
Heather (09:11)
I do. love that John and Patty have the opportunity to be open with their kids because it gives me the opportunity to know them from my position in John and Patty’s life. So they call me their second mom and I take them to appointments and hang out with them. And it’s nice that I can be myself around John and Patty and not have to be vanilla.
So I like, I love that a lot.
Noah (09:41)
That’s so beautiful. Yeah.
Alonzo Banx (09:42)
Jojo this is all kind of new to you. Thoughts? Questions? Feel free to question anyone on the panel. That’s what this is about.
Jojo (09:51)
Maybe? You’re sitting there just with me like… That’s all I see. I see me in the background now. Hello.
Go for it.
Alonzo Banx (10:00)
Wally, anything from you? I know you said you’re quiet, so…
Jojo (10:01)
You’re gonna mute
yourself.
Wally (10:05)
Here, can you hear me? ⁓
Alonzo Banx (10:07)
Yes.
Wally (10:08)
Honestly, it’s not really something new for me. I have been in a past relationship where we did try to go with other couples. It wasn’t really like a serious thing. It was more of like one night stand type deals. But this was with my second ex-wife. And so she ended up becoming very jealous at times.
So was more of like, why are you doing things like that? And you can’t even do things like that with me. I’ve definitely experienced a lot in life. I’m a lot older than JoJo, unfortunately. it’s gotten to the point where it’s like, I’ve done it, I’ve seen it. I’m kind of tired, I guess you could say. I know with her, she’s younger. So she definitely wants to explore more and I’m open to allowing her to.
Honestly, with that question that you had asked us all, like how will we love differently? I’m a non-filtered type person. Just like what was said earlier, I don’t give a fuck what other people think about me. It’s like I work in an industry where I’m already judged just for the type of work I do. And so I honestly just don’t care what others think. and if anybody wants to know, I’m actually a funeral director. I work in the funeral industry. And so I get judged a lot by different, you know.
cultural groups, religious groups, things like that, just for playing with the dead. But as far as what was mentioned about happy kids, that was the dryer. Luckily, two of my kids are out of the house and in college, but we do have one younger one that’s still at 16. But she’s at that age where she’s accepting too, so I know that if something like this was to be around the household, she wouldn’t judge. And she’s very open to things too.
So, well, that’s all I have to say, guess, on it.
Alonzo Banx (11:55)
We’ve talked a lot about family. Did anyone else have trouble coming out socially with friends? I mean, you have friends groups that don’t really know who you are, or how about at work? Coming out or loving differently, if you’re not judged, has a lot of aspects besides just our children.
Noah, please.
Noah (12:14)
Yeah. So I have not come out at work and I think my struggle there is where I work is extremely corporate and very stuffy. And I don’t know what that might do to my career, to be honest. I think it should not be a problem, but I don’t know that it wouldn’t be a problem. And so I feel like
I’m kind of in this position of as much as I would love to just kind of tell everybody my situation. I definitely do have golden handcuffs where I work. And if I were to lose my job, I would lose a significant portion of my income, even if I found something else. Right. So, yeah, it’s a risky thing where in and of itself, my job isn’t like public facing or anything like that. I just don’t know that my management.
would accept it and it may not turn into something where I would lose my job per se, but maybe I’ll lose out on promotions or lose out on considerations for new projects or that. And I think that’s where some of my concern comes from specifically with work. As far as friends are concerned on my side, if I just can kind of keep going with this, I think I have actually lost
probably one of my best friends over my whole journey on this. And it was a very sad thing for me because it came out originally as a lot of support, at least seemingly so. But in a very short period of time, they very quickly distanced themselves from me and then ghosted me. And we were very close for well over a decade. And to have that happen was kind of shocking. And it shocked me.
Jon (13:50)
Well.
Noah (13:54)
Out of wanting to share more
Alonzo Banx (13:58)
Heather, you looked like you wanted to say something before.
Heather (14:01)
I am open at work and so my boss knows and has met my partners. But I would have to agree with Noah. If I was in more of a corporate setting, I would probably keep my personal life and my business life completely separate because I think people fear what they don’t understand. And I am, I’m already at work. I don’t want to educate you further. So I’ll just keep it separate.
Alonzo Banx (14:28)
John, go ahead.
Jon (14:29)
So I did introduce Heather to my boss and at the same time introduced him to my lifestyle by doing that. He came by, I Heather in my office and he came by and he’s like, oh, is this your wife? like, no, no, this is my girlfriend. And he’s like, oh. And yeah, thank you, Plot.
Heather (14:33)
my god.
Cupcake (14:37)
you
Heather (14:40)
that was a good day.
Alonzo Banx (14:40)
Hello.
Heather (14:52)
Thank
Jon (14:53)
That he might have accidentally outed me or something like that to my girlfriend I’m not having to come back to him and Kind of educate him on what my life is like and stuff and he was like, oh and then he just started pouring out his own personal stuff so if I could be somewhat of a Canary in the coal mine for you, you know There is you know, sometimes the reaction is actually when you do open up to somebody about your own personal life. I think
often gives people an opportunity as well to open up about themselves. And I found that that definitely happened with my boss where he was just like, my gosh, here’s what’s going on in my life and my marriage and where I’m struggling. I’m like, my God, like, okay. But yeah, I don’t know. So far I haven’t really had a lot of, not really. I was not hoping for that at all, but he was all right. It was nice to know that he was.
Noah (15:38)
Did you want that with your bus?
Heather (15:40)
you
Jon (15:46)
open about that and wasn’t going to be too freaked out about it and stuff.
Yeah, I think the introduction was a little bit jarring for him though.
Alonzo Banx (15:58)
Yes, sir.
Heather (15:59)
It was really cool from my standpoint, getting to meet all of his coworkers and just feeling more invited into John’s space. So I liked that a lot.
Alonzo Banx (16:11)
Ash, did you have something?
Ash (16:13)
Yeah, I feel like I definitely understand when it comes to like the work environment because there are some things that should just stay at home. Like, you know, work is work. That’s what you’re there for. You’re not there for relationship advice or to bring your problems or blessings really to work. So I can definitely understand that. I feel like when it comes to this topic in particular, like, you know, if you lose friends over what you do in your own time and where you feel happy and they weren’t really the best friends with you to begin with, they should accept and love you no matter what decision you make, as long as you’re not
harming people intentionally, obviously. I feel like when the question comes itself, I think one of the biggest fears that most people have is from family because our family expects us to grow in a certain way or be a certain way. Like Cupcake said, her mom wanted her to have a certain lifestyle and to be a certain kind of adult. And that’s where a lot of the fear does stem from when it comes to being in a poly relationship or…
being a little kinky on the side, know, God forbid your mom finds your cuffs. I had to go through that. I thought it was hilarious. She did not. She disowned me for about a week. But you know, like, so it’s, it’s one of those things that like, you know, even though, even if your family does find something out about that, where people find something out about that, like, you know, the biggest acceptance that you really need to find is within yourself because taking this kind of journey is
really peeling back the layers of the kind of person you are and it’s a growing process for you which doesn’t really involve other people besides the people you bring into it in the long run.
Alonzo Banx (17:46)
Cupcake, you’ll click you had something you wanted to say.
Cupcake (17:49)
Yeah, I wanted to kind of touch base around the friendship aspect or the community-wise. I’ve really, I’ve gone through a of friend groups throughout my life. You’re in high school or school and you have these people that are your friends because it’s convenient. And then a lot of times after those school days are out, you don’t really have a friendship anymore. find you’re discovering your new…
adulthood and who you are and then all of a sudden a lot of those relationships kind of drift away. And I’ve gone through a lot of friend groups that were through cosplay or you know nerdy things, Star Wars, things like that. And it wasn’t until I started in like Renaissance fare that I started seeing the community that I should be a part of and then from there kind of into the festival scene and I’ve really gone to the point where my family is my family but like
people that are my chosen family are the people that are going to be there for me and supportive. And I’m really lucky that I’ve found the community that is my chosen family. At my wedding, most of the people there were my chosen family. Friends, parents were there, whatever. But that’s made such a difference to be able to just have a home and have those people that are accepting and those are truly family in that sense.
Alonzo Banx (19:10)
None of us are young. None of us are teenagers, but we all were at some point. And looking around this group, knowing that when we were teenagers, a lot of us had these same thoughts that we have now and didn’t quite know how to act on them. Somehow I can see that,
Ash (19:24)
I did.
You
Heather (19:29)
you
Alonzo Banx (19:31)
If you could go back and talk to that younger you, balancing the realities of life and the need for some secrecy, and there are times where you just don’t come out because it’s not appropriate or it’s not going to be responded to well. But simultaneously, conversation tonight is how would you live your life if you weren’t going to be judged by society? So I’m to go around and, Cupcake, I will start with you.
I want you to think about our younger viewers who are late teens, early twenties, just entering this lifestyle. And remember the crazies that we all went through at that time with it. What would you say to you? Cupcake?
Cupcake (20:17)
I if I knew what this would be like, I’d have built a huge commune that everyone could live on and we could all just be a big family. But, you know, jokes aside, you have to be, you know, you have to be careful with yourself and be, you know, soft to yourself and don’t take things too personally, don’t take things at a drastic pace.
But I think something that I really wish I would have been able to tell myself is that, you know, I wasn’t, there was nothing wrong with me, you know, and all of this life with my mom kind of trying to fix me because her, you she had a bad relationship with her mom and my mom is not a bad person, but she never really tried to get to know me as a person. And I think if she had taken that time and understood me more, we would have had a better relationship.
I would have been able to be open with her about my life now.
Alonzo Banx (21:17)
Looking back, and I’m going to put you on the spot, how would you tell yourself to have handled the situation then? What advice would you give to your younger self?
Cupcake (21:28)
I would have been a little bit more holding on myself. Granted, I wanted to experiment and understand things, but I also got myself in a lot of bad situations and I wish that I didn’t have to go through that.
I wish I would have been a little stronger and had support to tell me.
This might not be a good idea and like, just protecting myself better, I guess.
Alonzo Banx (21:51)
Thank you. I know some of this stuff is hard, but you got to realize that a lot of people can be helped by hearing your truths. And I thank you for being brave enough to address them here. I know it’s hard. Thank you. Anyone else want to pick that up? What would you have told yourself, Ash?
Ash (22:12)
I probably would have told myself to be a little more accepting when I was younger. I knew the kind of person I was but I would get into monogamous relationships with people who were very emotionally abusive and very misunderstanding of me where it was like if I hugged a friend it was wrong because I clearly wanted something and I’m a very loving person like I hug everybody and because of that I did go through many years of
very abusive relationships that made me doubt myself and who I was and how I operated on the day to which caused a lot of depression and a lot of withdrawing from the world and I probably would have told myself not to waste so much time in situations with people that I may have loved them but it wasn’t the right kind of love for me because it did take a lot of time to get past the fact that you know it’s okay to be this way.
and not to be, you know, the jealousy thing and the just being not myself for other people for a really long time.
Alonzo Banx (23:14)
Noah.
Noah (23:17)
I think for me, if I was talking to myself, my younger self, I would first want to ask myself a couple of questions just to get some juices flowing. the first one being, what is it that you want in your relationships from the people that you get close to, especially romantically? And once I had that conversation, it would be then
What are you doing to make that happen?
And because even though I have not been, you know, in polyamorous relationships for most of my life, I had always had these feelings. This was always something that I had wanted, but I had honestly not believed that it was a real thing. Right. I didn’t really believe that, there was more than a few people doing this kind of thing. Right. My experience was seeing polyamory was on bad TLC shows and whatever else. Right.
It wasn’t, I had no examples of it. And I would love to be able to tell my younger self that those examples exist, that you can find them. And I think the easiest way to do that would be to express yourself to the people around you on what you’re looking for. And then you will find someone who is also looking for something like that. It started early.
and start it when you’re young because the older you get, the harder it is to untangle yourself and your life from the way that you’ve lived it, especially if you lived it in a way you didn’t want to live it. Right. And I think that would be the biggest lesson I’d want to learn as a young person is how do you find the people that you want to love and who want to love you the way you want to love? Right. Yeah. And
You know, finding groups like this fight like polysoccal, right? It’s much easier now that we have so much communication, so much connectivity, right? And I think there’s a young people can benefit from that. And honestly, I have seen young people being so much more emotionally and relationship intelligent than I at least was at the same age. Even my son is exceptionally more capable of of understanding.
the people around him and their desires and having space for understanding and compassion, but I feel like many younger people that I know are doing this already, which I think is fantastic. But one of the biggest regrets I have is not understanding how to find the people I want to love.
Alonzo Banx (25:47)
Heather, John, anything to add?
Heather (25:50)
preacher’s daughter here. So I grew up and was happily monogamous for most of my life. Had zero desire to be Polly. but I would say to anyone who’s younger going into this lifestyle to keep learning. you, you never don’t know enough. So educate yourself on healthy ways of communication.
And definitely prioritize yourself. Don’t stick around in a relationship for another person. That would be my biggest advice to a young female going into lifestyle.
Alonzo Banx (26:26)
Thank you. John, anything?
Jon (26:28)
Yeah, so for me when I was younger, I was, I don’t know what you would call it exactly, maybe kind of like a love addict in a way. Like I just wanted to be in love so bad. I was chasing after it and I no clue how to like discover that or find it or achieve that in my life. But I just had this ideal. I don’t know if it was the eighties rock music that led me there or not, but the advice that I would have given myself, think.
at that age would be to ⁓ cultivate connections and relationships and just get to know people more and spend more time doing that. Don’t keep chasing that like some kind of ideal thing that you were, that I was chasing at the time, but the value of all those connections that you make, because all of those turn out to be very valuable and some of them turn into love as well.
Alonzo Banx (27:16)
Thank you. Jojo, Wally, any words, thoughts?
Jojo (27:21)
I I was that weirdo homeschool kid that was very sheltered for a lot of my life, so honestly if I could go back to my younger self and just tell myself something it would just be more like, be more free, get out there, do stuff, be that rebellious child that doesn’t listen to their mom, but yeah, I had that sheltered-ness growing up, so I’d have a lot to say going back, and that kind of prevented some things, I guess, in life, so now I’m…
experiencing things more now than I did then, but yeah it all worked out in the end. Some good things came from that, some bad things came from that. So I just go back and do the basic thing just be a little more be a little more out there, be a little more outgoing, be more wild.
Alonzo Banx (28:02)
Wally?
Wally (28:05)
I guess for me, would be, don’t go with the path that the others tell you to do. Just because it’s normal to them doesn’t mean it’s normal to you. If the path you’re walking feels right to you, then that’s the path for you. Don’t do something just because someone says you’re in the wrong. If it feels wrong to you, but it’s not wrong to, know, why normalize yourself?
You could be making yourself into something that society wants you to be rather than who you should be.
Alonzo Banx (28:34)
think we had a great conversation tonight. It got a little deep. Not all of our conversations go that hard, and this one I think did, but I think we get judged a lot in society and a lot of what we do. We don’t realize all of the ways that we’re judged and all of the different angles that it comes at us from, family, home, church, work. It’s tough. But I think everyone hit it pretty much right on the head.
Anyone have any last words for tonight?
John, you got that eyebrow going up. I’m sorry, Ash, please go ahead.
Ash (29:04)
I feel like the biggest, it’s
okay. I feel like the biggest thing is just learn to love and accept yourself no matter what anyone else may think of it, family or otherwise. It’s gonna be hard and it’s hard conversations and it’s hard feelings and it’s pretty raw when you just wanna be accepted by the people around you. But when you start learning to love yourself, you will find the people who are the right ones to be around you is really the bottom line.
Alonzo Banx (29:29)
Thank you everyone for being on tonight. I really like this conversation. I apologize if it got a little deep, but I think some of these are tough things to talk about. Thank you. Hope you all come back next week. Good night.
Jon (29:46)
Thank you.
Heather (29:47)
Good night.
Alonzo Banx (29:49)
Okay, now.