In this week’s PolySoCal Roundtable, host Alonzo Banx welcomes an engaging mix of voices—from seasoned polycule partners to a guest with a monogamish perspective—for an honest conversation about relationship agreements. Together, they explore how couples create, uphold, and evolve agreements that foster trust, respect, and safety in ethical non-monogamy. The group shares personal strategies, from subtle “in-the-moment” check-ins to the courage of renegotiating boundaries as relationships grow. Along the way, they offer practical tools for new and experienced partners alike, proving that agreements aren’t about restriction—they’re the foundation that lets love and connection thrive. ts.
Jon (00:16.557)
Hello?
Heather (00:16.994)
Bye!
Beeb (00:17.856)
Hello.
Alonzo Banx (00:18.212)
Okay. Okay. So let’s go around real quick and give everyone an opportunity to, well, now we have four people online. Hopefully one of our guests will log back in. Let’s go around and give everyone an opportunity to say hello. And we’re going to go in a rotation on my screen. Ducky, welcome back. We’ve got video on you now. Congratulations. As we’re saying, we’re to go around and give everyone an opportunity to say hello. And we’re going to start with Heather, who are you?
Why are you here tonight? What are you looking for?
Alonzo Banx (00:55.548)
Hello?
Patty (00:58.017)
Heather, you’re up.
Alonzo Banx (00:59.526)
Did I just lose a Heather? Heather! No worries.
Heather (00:59.838)
sorry. Everything froze for me all at once. I apologize. Hi, I’m Heather. I’m 36. I’m married to Beeb and I’m dating John and Patty and I’ve been in the lifestyle for about 10 years.
Jon (01:03.321)
Yeah.
Alonzo Banx (01:18.192)
Beeb, you’re next.
Beeb (01:21.632)
Hello, I’m Beeb, I am 46, I’m married to Heather and dating Patty. And I would say I’ve been in lifestyle seven or eight years.
Alonzo Banx (01:33.51)
Welcome. Thank you for being here tonight. My cohost as always, Patty.
Patty (01:38.904)
Hi, I’m Patti. I’m married to John for 29 years. I’m dating Heather and Bebe for a little over a year. I’m co-hosting with Alonzo and I am a psychology major in school right now, likely with an emphasis in LGBTQ, the poly and kink subjects.
Alonzo Banx (02:02.683)
And Mr. John?
Jon (02:04.879)
Hello, hello, I’m John. I am married to Patty and I am dating Heather and B is my metamorph and I’ve been in the lifestyle as long as Patty has for just about 30 years, around 30 years.
Alonzo Banx (02:20.537)
And then a new guest with us on our podcast tonight, Ducky.
Ducky (02:25.871)
I am ducky. I am not married to anybody. I am not dating anyone else. So I feel a little awkward in the party, I have a lovely lady. We’re on our second year and we’re going at it in a monogamish relationship where there’s freedom to play.
But I’m not looking to have many loves.
Alonzo Banx (03:02.691)
And, you know, I think one of the things that we talk about on this podcast is we don’t want to live in an echo chamber. We like having people with different lifestyles and different values as part of this, because it, adds to the conversation. brings in dynamics that those of us who are in this all the time don’t necessarily address. So I’m thrilled to have you all here tonight as an awesome group. And I’m to start with a very simple question and the question on the table tonight.
What do couples agreements mean to you? How have you used them both successfully and unfortunately sometimes not? Let’s talk about what advice and a approach that works for you and I’m to go around in the same order which puts Heather in the hot seat first.
Heather (03:57.448)
An agreement for me in any relationship is kind of like if I break that agreement it’s almost like cheating for me. It’s a sacred thing that you make between a partner and it’s just not broken for me unless I’ve already spoken with that partner.
Alonzo Banx (04:30.703)
And I guess we’re going next to your husband, Beeb. What does that mean to you?
Beeb (04:36.758)
God, there could be tons of different types of agreements, depends on your dynamic that you’re in or whatnot. Like for us, for example, we use protection with any other partners outside of our Polyure, Poly-Q or Forsum. That’s something that’s non-negotiable between us. And if one of us gets another partner along the way and…
that becomes a topic, it needs to be brought up with the Quad and we need to have a big discussion about that and see where we’re gonna go from there. So that’s a good example of one of our agreements.
Alonzo Banx (05:15.883)
I think that’s a very good one. Fluid bond circles are a necessity in today’s life. Patty, you’re up.
Patty (05:24.791)
agree with Heather on relationship agreements. I if something like that is broken, is considered cheating for us because it’s a bit of a betrayal or a lack of trust. So I know within our quad and within my marriage, we take those very seriously, even if they evolve over time, as long as the agreements that are currently in place right now are
upheld unless we have a conversation. That’s really important for all of us.
Patty (06:02.689)
John, how about you?
Jon (06:04.819)
Me, I am on the same exact page. definitely something that’s important for us to all agree on and have conversations about if there’s any kind of thought about modifications to those agreements and stuff, whatever. I find them very important. It helps with the predictability in a very unpredictable relationship. any chance we can get to have that kind of sort of safe predictability is important.
Alonzo Banx (06:36.399)
Mr. Duckie.
Patty (06:36.727)
How about you, Ducky?
Ducky (06:38.444)
For me, it’s what I can do that doesn’t fuck up the good relationship that I have going on. It allows having agreements and keeping to them allow me to feel actually safe to explore and play without… Yeah, don’t want… Nothing about cheating is ever cool.
And so as long as I play within the guidelines, I feel empowered.
Alonzo Banx (07:18.715)
I think a big part of this is what is the elements of an agreement? What do you agree on? mean, every relationship’s different. And when we negotiate with our partners over what it is we want and what’s acceptable, there are short-term and long-term things and understandings. If you’re going out and meeting, what are the parameters for meeting?
We start with Ducky. What kind of tricks do you find in communication and in negotiation of agreements and boundaries have you and your partner used to come to the understandings that allow this to be sustainable for you?
Ducky (09:14.76)
avoidance.
There is no code word it was called I don’t want the way that my partner Has structured it is I don’t want to know about it. I don’t want to see it No relationships so if it’s like I said because when we started our relationship I had a Person who was a regular every other Monday partner
Heather (09:19.52)
Thank
Ducky (09:44.651)
And I said, so no relationship? How about this? It’s just sex. He goes, no, if it’s every other Monday, then you have a relationship. Let’s not have any relationships other than me. It’s just sex. And right now I don’t want to know about it. So we don’t have code words. I just have a busy weekend.
Ducky (10:08.758)
man.
Alonzo Banx (10:09.626)
John?
Jon (10:13.295)
Gosh.
Ducky (10:14.193)
she found out.
Jon (10:19.503)
Code words. I don’t think that we’re right.
Alonzo Banx (10:24.121)
just code words. What elements of your negotiation, what strategies did you use? I use that as an example of that was one that worked for us that allowed us to be very dynamic. I’m not looking for you to give code words, I’m looking for what strategies or things did you talk about, what core elements allowed it to work for you?
Jon (10:43.579)
I over time, like early on and up until we met Heather and Beeb, I think Patty and I depended a lot on sort of checking in on each other frequently. Sometimes it didn’t take that much. It could be a look or something like that, a look of like desperation that I see in her eye. It’s opened up an extra millimeter or something like that. it’s like, I need to get out of this space and stuff, whatever.
being able to read somebody for me, I think was a lot of that. I don’t know. I think we’re still developing that with Heather and Bebe right now. Figuring out how to read each other effectively and move within that space well. Heather’s like…
Alonzo Banx (11:34.107)
Well, I think you just hit on a very important point, which are in my experience, race, the relationship agreements and boundaries are never a rigid thing. They are always dynamic. They are always growing and changing along with you. But to that, I’m to go off to your partner, Patty. Patty, what are your thoughts? How do you make it work? What do you look for?
Jon (11:43.823)
Mm-hmm.
Patty (11:57.88)
I know within our quad we do have a code word. We really haven’t needed to use it more than maybe once that’s within our quad. I won’t say what that code word is, but it’s whenever maybe the four of us are together and one of us is having an issue, we say that word and it’s like whatever’s going on stops and we work on that. But I know that that word could be used in any sort of situation.
I could say that word to any of my partners and they would immediately know like, okay, something’s not right. I do really love that all three of my partners are really good at reading my body language, even when I felt like I’m really good at hiding it. So I have a love-hate relationship with that because sometimes I want to hide stuff, but it’s, there have…
develop the ability to read me really well. And that’s probably what makes me feel a lot safer in public settings, but also within our relationship.
Alonzo Banx (13:08.899)
Nice. Mr. B.
What are your thoughts?
Beeb (13:13.154)
So early on when Heather and I first got into lifestyle, we’re strictly swingers, same room play. That was it. Always together. We would constantly, especially playing with someone new or for the first time or whatnot, we would give each other glances or do like a little half thumbs up if we’re both like in a good space or, you know, we if that glance, correct, grounds wasn’t there or that little thumbs up wasn’t there.
We knew we had to like switch something up and like try to bail out of the situation somehow or see what the other needed to make it right. That was a little trick we used. I feel that as we’ve gone in the lifestyle and gotten more experience on our belt together as a couple, we don’t really need those little telltale signs anymore. Just reading body language or what’s happening in the room is super easy now for us to be like, yep, this is a good thing or.
She’s not having that great of a time. I need to go help her out somehow
Alonzo Banx (14:21.753)
and Heather.
Heather (14:24.378)
I am so upfront with how I’m feeling in a lot of situations. so, and I’m really direct, maybe too direct sometimes, even to people I don’t know. I think the thing I’ve been learning with my partners is how they respond to a question. So if I’m at a sex club with my polycule and
I’m getting this group thing going and I come to Patty and say, we’re doing this. What do you think? If she skips a beat when telling me yes, and I could tell she’s thinking about something, I don’t let her just go into that space without talking to her. So I had her sit on my lap and get really close to me. And so she
We were in our own little bubble and she could tell me exactly how she was feeling and what was going through her head in that moment when I asked her instead of just going to that space and not addressing that that moment of it just it was just a pause really but I noticed it and I said hey What are you thinking right now? Because it’s okay. We we don’t have to go in there right now. We we can talk about this so we talked about it and
We exchanged and there was some really good clarification. So it was for me, it’s listening to understand without listening to respond to my partners.
Alonzo Banx (16:07.331)
Nice. Patty, someone new to this world, into the lifestyle, what would you tell them are the key elements when discussing agreements and boundaries? What are some of the things it’s like, you really should make sure to talk about this.
Patty (16:28.951)
I think depending on where they are on the journey, talking about what they are currently okay with, in the moment okay with. We’re going to say go explore something new tonight. What are we really okay with in this moment, regardless of where the end goal is, if we want to be completely poly, but we haven’t had any experience.
with it, what is our goal for tonight? Is it just to go meet somebody and talk about it? Or is it to go try a club and just watch, see what that environment’s like, but just to be really clear about what you are wanting in that moment and not deviating from that due to knowing that your partner may want more. Because I think we, I know…
several people, including myself, as more of a people pleasing person and we want our partner to be happy and we want them to experience things. And sometimes I can come at a sacrifice to ourself. So being really clear with what you’re okay with and sticking to that and going from there because you can always modify agreements along the way. But it’s very difficult when you’ve crossed something that you’re really okay with.
because then you have to go back and heal from something that you may have had feelings about.
Beeb (17:58.806)
So if I could add on to that, so Patty and I last night were at said sex club and we met a brand new couple. They have done nothing in the lifestyle and they jumped in to go into a sex club. Lucky for them. It was a slow night last night, but I got a chance to talk to them and work with them and tell them, know, like what to look for. I was like, check in with each other. No matter what you do tonight, like.
You’re not going to know right off the beginning. You could get ideas of what you’re okay with, but you’re not going to really know until it happens. There might be something that happens. That’s a trigger for you and you weren’t comfortable with it. said, unless it’s something extreme, don’t stress about it right then and there. Use the drive home to do a debrief between each other. It’s like, Hey, this was really hot when you did this and this person was doing this, but I didn’t really like it when this happened and then build your boundaries there. And over time, those might change and
morph into other things.
Alonzo Banx (19:00.463)
That is fantastic advice. Heather, have anything to add to that one?
Heather (19:04.757)
I would say you can go into a situation thinking you’re going to be okay with something and it’s 100 % okay to change your mind.
Patty (19:14.634)
Absolutely.
Heather (19:16.915)
Yeah, and feel free to express, I thought I was gonna be okay with this, but I changed my mind. I’m feeling uncomfortable. And if you don’t express that, you’re doing your partners or whoever you’re with harm, because harming the relationship because you’re not being honest with yourself. And if you’re not telling your partner that, they’re hurting you without knowing that.
Patty (19:46.348)
I know that kind of came up last night with Bebe and I when we were talking to that new couple. We were kind of expressing that. And I was saying, know, when you’re in the moment and something’s definitely not feeling okay, it’s, can we go get some water? I’m hungry. Or we’re gonna call it a night. You know, we’re hungry, we’re getting tired. And you can tactfully set a boundary.
Alonzo Banx (19:46.745)
Absolutely.
Patty (20:13.469)
and leave a situation without creating some weirdness. I feel like sometimes people think that, I’ve started this and now I have to finish all the way. Cause I said I was going to when in reality you can do something and it not feel right and say, I’m getting tired guys, have a good night. Thanks. It was nice meeting you and excuse yourself. And it just be like, that’s okay with people and to be okay with that yourself.
Alonzo Banx (20:41.893)
To anyone and everyone, how often do you reiterate or readdress your agreements and is it something that you would do nightly before you head out or is it something that you just kind of, it’s understood at this point?
Beeb (21:00.074)
I feel like we would readdress an agreement if we feel a need to change it. For instance, it wasn’t that long ago. I was allowed to do whatever I wanted at said sex club when I went on my own. But when it came to like trying to date or anything, I was not allowed to date single women outside. I could have sex with them at the club, but I was not allowed to see them outside of the club. That was a no.
since then we, Heather and I have talked about it and we are more secure in our relationship and our trust for each other. And that wall has been broken down. I am allowed to do that. Now. Do I go sought after it? No, not on the regular. If it happens, it happens, but it’s just knowing that wall’s not there anymore for me. It’s another avenue I have now is nice to know.
Patty (21:59.222)
I think John and I revisit things periodically depending on where we are in our relationship and where life is for us at the moment. John and I’ve had some experience dating separately and we didn’t really like some end results of those experiences. So we said we’re not gonna do that and now we’re at a different place. And so we’ve kind of revisited that and thought, how do we feel about this now?
Are we okay with this now? Do you like this person? it, you know, and we will regularly check in with each other. So and so wants to know if I can go out and this is what we were talking about doing. Are you comfortable with that? Do you feel okay with that? I know some poly people are like more, we are hierarchical. So I will take John’s opinion and go with that because that’s our agreement.
Some people are like, this is what I’m doing and you need to be okay with this. But for us, this works better for John and I. so having those expectations and what not within our relationship builds a security for us. And I feel like that is similar with Heather and Bebe in our quad. If there’s somebody that is a very hard no for us and there has been a couple of those, we will say, hey, this…
person isn’t okay with us and how do we feel about that when we talk about it and work through it.
Heather (23:28.911)
Yeah, our polycule does have, I want to say, veto power with new people joining in because in our polycule, we all want to know each other’s partners to some extent and be able to hang out with them. So there’s no one that’s ever going to be separate or private from anyone else that we can’t know or meet.
Patty (23:55.768)
I know there’s a lot of different versions of poly that works best for us though.
Heather (24:03.584)
And even though we are both like, I’m hierarchical with Beeb and Patty is hierarchical with John. Anyone else that’s new coming into the Polycule or our group, not to say that we’re going to have sex with that person. It might just be Patty dating someone else. Patty has always, we’ve always respected and valued the other person’s time and space.
Alonzo Banx (24:03.707)
Here’s a lot of
Heather (24:30.593)
Just because we’re hierarchal doesn’t mean we don’t respect other people’s spaces and time.
Patty (24:38.721)
Yeah, I know. And typically, like for John and I, and same with Heather and Beeb, if John and I have something planned, but there is something going on, say something with Beeb or something with Heather, and one of us needs to go to comfort a partner, it’s typically a yes for us because we want everybody to feel fulfilled and we want everybody to be happy. And if one of us needs support in a moment, it’s a hard yes for us.
And I think that builds security. So we don’t waste each other’s time in that way. And we don’t stomp all over each other’s time. If Heather’s out with somebody, I won’t typically blow up her phone. I’ll wait till she gets back and then hear how, unless there’s an emergency. we definitely try to respect each other’s time and space, but there is always.
that underlying if we meet each other, we’re 100 % there.
Alonzo Banx (25:42.939)
Ducky, we’ve been avoiding addressing or asking you, what are your thoughts?
Ducky (25:48.946)
I’m wondering where you guys were a couple years ago for me. I’m seeing this from an outsider’s point of view, obviously, and going, how do you get into some of these? To me, I go, wow, these are such warm waters. But I feel awkward because it’s not, because I’m the,
Jon (25:53.782)
you
Ducky (26:16.741)
I’d be there for sex or for, well, it’s really never about sex. It’s about connection and intimacy and adventure and letting more of my tiger out of my tank or whatever. But so I’m just amazed at how much work it takes for the, be Polly and kind of going, I’m just really impressed.
I’m by all that and also kind going, wow, think I’d be, I’d get tired.
Heather (26:54.059)
it.
Jon (26:55.672)
labor of love, man.
Ducky (26:56.593)
Yeah, thank goodness,
Patty (26:57.015)
I think if you find the right people, if everyone is healthy in the group, if everyone’s willing to be vulnerable and everyone’s willing to work on communication, the rewards and benefits are so amazing and I wouldn’t rate it for anything.
Alonzo Banx (26:58.587)
It is a lot of work.
Ducky (27:09.721)
Right.
Ducky (27:19.981)
Mm-hmm.
Alonzo Banx (27:27.675)
Well, as we approach the end of our time, we’re to go around once and ask you to give advice to anyone new into this world who’s listening to our podcast tonight on how they should approach their partner or what key elements they should have when they’re talking about an agreement. What things do you wish you had known in the beginning?
Patty (27:56.535)
Ruff ruff.
Alonzo Banx (27:58.062)
And let’s go back to Heather. We’ll pick on you to start with.
Heather (28:01.861)
I think my core advice for any relationship, and this could be a monogamous relationship too, when you’re coming up with just listening to your partner, to fully understand them and ask questions, dig into their feelings, do not listen to respond. Truly just try to listen to understand the person’s feelings and where their space is at.
Because if you’re doing that, you’re really meeting your partner at their space.
Alonzo Banx (28:37.967)
Very well said. Beeb, what are your thoughts? What advice would you give to new couples or what do you wish you had known?
Beeb (28:49.346)
as anything with this whole poly life, it’s all about communication. You have to be willing to be open and community and not not afraid to have the hard conversations that need to be had. Some of these conversations we have between even between the four of us aren’t always easy. Sometimes you’re you’re not too thrilled about having to meet to have some of these conversations, but with the right people.
They’re a lot easier and as you get used to doing them, it gets easier as well.
Patty (29:26.059)
John, how about you?
Alonzo Banx (29:26.128)
John?
Heather (29:32.109)
John, your microphone.
Jon (29:34.815)
how about that? For me, I agree with everybody so far with being open, being communicative, all of these different things for sure. I would add perhaps something that I learned over time was to get better at being able to communicate your feelings. So giving a name to it, being a little bit more eloquent.
or more versatile in how you can describe your own feelings. So spending some time to really investigate yourself some more and spend some time just sort of studying that about yourself helps you sort of understand yourself in a more dynamic way, sort of, or a more complex way that might help you understand what those needs are and how to communicate your boundaries in a way that makes sense for people in a better way.
Alonzo Banx (30:30.971)
Absolutely agree, Mr. Ducky. And I know while you may not be in this, I have personally gone to you before for communication advice. You have given me some great advice on NVC.
Ducky (30:40.928)
Nars
Jon (30:43.247)
Thank
Ducky (30:49.139)
It’s for me, it’s always coming about coming from love and speaking to love to the best of somebody. If I know that we’re constantly looking out for the highest and best of the person that I’m talking to, I don’t have to be delicate. I can speak truthfully and bravely. And here.
somebody else knowing that they’re, you know, they’re my best friends. These are my friends. So whatever they’re saying is coming from love. And then I can relax into that. And yeah, it’s all about communication. And I guess the last part is to trust that I’m coming from clean desires.
end on that.
Alonzo Banx (31:44.377)
And Patty, the last word tonight will be from you. What advice?
Patty (31:48.816)
Advice for probably new couples would be…
Patty (31:55.574)
Really look at why you’re wanting to get into poly. Is it to add to your life? If it’s anything other than that, you should reconsider. I wouldn’t advise people who are having, I wouldn’t advise polyamory for someone who is trying to fix their marriage. Instead, I would be.
wanting a healthy marriage going into something or if you’re not married and you’re a single person looking into going there, making sure you’re a healthy person yourself going into something because polyamory has so many benefits and so many gifts, but it will highlight the areas that you need to work on in life.
So making sure that you are honest with what your intentions are and what you’re wanting. Also, if you’re married, to make sure that your partner is 100 % on board with it and not just being kind of pushed into it, I think is really important to prevent a breakdown of current relationships.
Alonzo Banx (33:02.189)
Absolutely critical advice there, yes. Thank you everyone. Another great conversation tonight. Thank you all for being around and I hope you all come back. Good night.
Patty (33:12.865)
Thank you.
Heather (33:13.761)
Thank you.
Beeb (33:14.496)
Thank you. Good night.
Jon (33:15.752)
Thank you.
Ducky (33:16.587)
Good night.