The PolySoCal crew dives deep into the electric, chaotic, and beautiful phenomenon known as New Relationship Energy (NRE) — that intoxicating rush when a new connection begins. Hosted by Alonzo Banx with Heather, Noah, Max, and Cupcake, the conversation explores how to recognize, manage, and sustain relationships when NRE hits hard.
From emotional honesty and neglected partners to compersion, dopamine highs, and hilarious real-world stories, this roundtable captures the full spectrum of what NRE brings — the joy, the fear, the lessons, and the laughter. It’s a thoughtful, funny, and deeply human look at love’s wildest chemical ride.
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks and tonight we’re going to be talking about new relationship energy, NRE, and how you deal with that in your relationships. Got a great crew on deck tonight, Heather, Noah, Max, and Cupcake. So, hi everybody.
Cupcake (00:17)
Hello?
Heather (00:18)
Hi.
Noah (00:18)
Ay-ay.
Alonzo Banx (00:19)
Okay, so this week I’m actually going remember to go around so everyone can introduce themselves and unlike some other recent, you know, faux pas of mine. Heather, welcome back. Say hello.
Max (00:19)
Good evening.
Cupcake (00:22)
I was wondering.
Heather (00:31)
Hi, I’m Heather. I’m part of a poly quad with John and Patty and my husband, Bebe. And I also have a girlfriend outside of that quad. Hi. Hi, everyone.
Alonzo Banx (00:44)
Welcome back again. You just had a birthday too, huh?
Cupcake (00:45)
You
Heather (00:49)
I did. ⁓
Alonzo Banx (00:50)
Yeah, you were gone for a week or two without celebrating. It’s good to have you back. Noah.
Heather (00:53)
I was.
Noah (00:55)
Hey, I’m Noah. I am in a relationship with two women. That would be Cupcake, who’s on the call tonight, and Cookie, who’s not with us right now. And it’s an amazing time.
Alonzo Banx (01:09)
It’s good to have you back sir. Always a staple in the show. Mr. Max. Calling in long distance now.
Max (01:13)
I’m Matt.
Yes, it feels the same. I’m Max, a long-time kink-friendly, submissive male, demisexual, sapiosexual, single, looking for a likely polydynamic. I’m here to provide my viewpoint as someone who has become more open to possible ways to find that forever, or perhaps just a while relationship.
Alonzo Banx (01:32)
Good to have you. And as always, Ms. Cupcake, come straight off of last week’s interview with just you hearing about your background. Welcome back.
Cupcake (01:43)
That was a time. I’m Cupcake. As Noah mentioned, I am partnered with Noah and Cookie. I also have my husband that I’ve been married to for years. And my husband is currently seeing someone new. So this topic is right up my alley.
Alonzo Banx (02:02)
Welcome, as always. NRE, new relationship energy. I know I get guilty of it. You we all get that kid in the candy store with a hundred dollar bill thing when there’s a new relationship, right? You get all excited. And you can forget to keep a balance. Inversely, when you’re in a relationship and one of your partners comes up with someone new and they get all excited about it, it’s a topic. It’s a thing where you really have to learn, I believe, how to manage that correctly.
So tonight’s conversation is really about what coping mechanisms, how have you learned, perhaps not so fun life stories can you relate to how to deal with NRE? Who wants to jump on that for me?
I see Noah as always. Please.
Noah (02:46)
You know, it’s, it’s interesting because you do, you get just pumped full of so much excitement and emotion and it can really take over your entire life. And not only can it affect your, your other relationships when you’re in a polyamorous relationship, but it can affect the rest of your life too. If you’re not careful, it can affect your work life balance. can affect.
you know, your other familial, you know, relationships or friendships or whatever, right? Pretty soon you’re only talking to or hanging out with this new person and it can, really become disruptive throughout your entire life. And, ⁓ yeah, I think, I think all of us have struggled with that, a time or 200, depending on who you are. And it can be, it can be a lot. I think the, the, ⁓ the
The biggest struggle is making sure you are being reasonable, which is really hard to manage when you’re going through something like that. You you meet someone who you’re super excited about and you just want to, don’t know, just spend every waking moment thinking about them, talking to them, hanging out with them. And what do do with that?
You personally for me it has been about trying to create some kind of personal boundaries where especially in my own polyamorous relationships where I make sure that even if I’m spending a ton of time talking to or or dealing with someone who is new to the dynamic that I carve out dedicated time
for my other relationships. They need to have their own space, their own time. My phone is down. I am only talking to them, only spending time with them. And it is dedicated on the calendar and frequent. And I think that’s my way of dealing with that.
Alonzo Banx (04:45)
Yeah, I think it’s important for all of us to face that and to understand that you’re doing it. I think like most problems in life, the biggest thing of dealing with it is acknowledging that you are. Max, I see your hand up, but I’m going to jump over to Cupcake for a minute because she had mentioned in her opening that she’s doing this. And Cupcake, got a specific set of parameters for you. How do you deal with NRE from…
Cupcake (05:04)
I knew it.
Alonzo Banx (05:13)
your man’s finding a new mate to compersion to the obvious, know, hey, wait a minute, I’m still here kind of feelings. How do you manage getting through that?
Cupcake (05:27)
would say that it’s actually quite a thing to go through because I will admit that when I met Noah and Cookie there was tons of new relationship excitement and I will admit that I maybe didn’t handle that as well as I should have. And there was times that it made my husband feel very lonely and left out and I really had to kind of
work through that and have deep conversations with him and learn what affected him and how I could do better. And I made a big difference in that. And now, you know, my husband is seeing a new partner and that’s the first experience for me on that side of being in that same position that he might have been in. And it is actually really, I would say it’s pretty difficult, but
I think because we already went through what we had gone through in my most recent NRE that we were able to handle it a little bit differently. it actually this week we sat down and he was like, I can tell something’s a little off. And I was like, I’m just processing stuff and now it’s on the other side. And he’s like, oh, and I know. And he’s like, and I’m doing my best to kind of just make sure that.
that’s not affecting you like it maybe affected me and that we are communicating a lot about it and it’s been different too because for example, know, Noah and Cookie live maybe 10, 15 minutes from us and my husband’s new partner lives upwards of an hour to an hour and a half away. So it’s not as easy for them to see each other and when they do see each other, it’s most likely here at our home.
I’m kind of actually put it right in my face and it’s difficult. It’s a new experience and I have a little bit of a funny experience in the sense that we were walking his partner out to the car and I stopped at the Amazon box, said goodbye, and then I kind of like stepped away and they started embracing and I just stood there and I was like, should I leave?
do I wait for you? Or, you know what, I’m gonna go back inside. And then I just kinda walked away and they just like giggled at me. And it was just, I’m like, I don’t know, this is new to me. I don’t know what’s going on. I don’t know what to do with it. But yeah, it’s definitely, it’s a process, but I think we’re doing a really good job at making sure that we’re communicating.
Alonzo Banx (07:59)
And when you said you’re doing things differently this time, take it that’s the communication level. You’re something deeper to it.
Cupcake (08:04)
Yeah, it’s kind of different to be in my home, laying in my bed, but my husband is in another room laying in bed with someone else. And that’s definitely a new experience. And it can be lonely. And I’m having to kind of just work through a little bit of that. But I’m getting there.
Alonzo Banx (08:23)
We’re glad to have you and thank you for sharing it. Heather, I’m going to get there, but Max had his hands up. So I’m going get back to Max first.
Max (08:29)
So this is weird to me, because you’re all talking about NRE like it’s this disease or a bad thing. And to me, like, it’s, it’s the fucking best. Like, I mean, you know, it’s that fun infatuation period. It’s that it’s new discovering everything, you know, yeah, you’re thinking about them all the time. And, and maybe they’re thinking about you too, all the time. And I don’t know, to me, it’s great. And you milk it. And I, I guess sure.
there could be jealousy things, but for me, like, I mean, the, the, the Dom I was with for a while, like when she would have a new awesome toy, like I was excited for her and the things that that toy could provide that I couldn’t or the things they wanted to do together that wasn’t really what we did together. It, I don’t know. I mean, I would roll with that. So I would just try to like get, take some of their NRE and like,
You know, I needed some of that drug for me. And since ours had petered out and hadn’t spiked again, I could enjoy what was going on with them. So I think, I mean, I think it’s a good thing all around, I guess, as long as you, you know, can manage the jealousy or the loneliness or those other things that I definitely see can occur and can be a real issue and can be something to think about. I dunno, I guess, I mean, I’ve been solo the majority of my life.
So I’m good at being alone and it’s always like, all right, I’ll just go work on, you know, career or I’ve got a cool video game to play and I can get some dopamine hits there or, you know, but I don’t know. I love it. I mean, I think it’s, I think it’s great. And like, yeah, I mean, like anything, you know, even, even water, you can have too much of it. but I, yeah, I can’t get enough.
Alonzo Banx (10:16)
I think you just sit on that balance between compersion and NRE. It’s when you can truly take enjoyment out of your partner’s NRE. Cupcake and Nowhere, you both raised your hand. Did you want to interject something? But I think the next actual thing is for Heather. OK, Nowhere, said you wanted to just interject something real quick.
Noah (10:34)
Yeah, no, I think, you know, max you hit a big point there. It is like a drug, right? It’s a, it’s something that feels so good. You’re so excited. Right. And I think that’s where, it becomes a little dangerous because it feels so good. And like a drug, if you overdo it, it can become a problem. Right. Now you got addiction and that’s, and I think that’s where.
there, you, you, you’re sensing that kind of like, it’s a, it’s a problem, like a disease. and, and, and I don’t think it is that there’s the reason why the excitement is there is because you’re trying to make it a connection and, you’re feeling that energy, right? It’s, good, good thing. And I think everybody should really try to kind of bask in that as much as they can. But when you’re in, especially a polyamorous relationship, but even your other relationships in the world, you know, you’ve got to take a breath.
and just realize that maybe you’ve got to keep up on some of your other relationships and feed them a little bit too to make sure they don’t die in the meantime. Right. I think that can help a lot with jealousy and, and other things. ⁓ but no, that’s, it is a good thing. The new relationship energy is, it’s a powerful, powerful thing.
Alonzo Banx (11:49)
I think in the analogy of calling it a drug, like all drugs, I’ve known people so addicted to NRE that that’s all they go for. And as soon as that burns out in a relationship, they’re out and going after another one. But Heather, sorry, you haven’t got to speak tonight and you had your hand up. So please jump in.
Heather (12:07)
well, it is a drug. It’s a natural drug. You got that dopamine, that serotonin and that oxytocin just like going through your body with NRE and it feels, it does feel really good. And I feel like I’m still experiencing NRE with John and Patty and we’ve only been dating them for a little over a year. So it’s, it still feels very new for me. Like for an example, I’m, I’m famous for asking people their spaces.
⁓ and like, so I had a date with John on Thursday and he’s been sick for two weeks. And so we had just gotten a chance to reconnect and it felt really good. And we had an amazing time together. And then on Friday, I had a double date with my husband and my girlfriend, and her husband. We were going to a concert on the way to the concert. I’m still like overflowing with all of this.
Energy from my date with John and I just asked me about I said hey I know we’re gonna like on a date together right now and I was like hey, babe do you mind if I just like Gush to you about how much I love John and our time together because I just I want I need to get this out and just tell you how I’m feeling so you can Feel what I’m feeling and he’s like, yeah sure go ahead But if he had said no, I would have respected his face and just waited for a better time to talk to him
So I’m famous for just asking people their spaces. Like, hey, is it OK if I talk about this person with you for a minute? And that way, it helps me manage my NRE a little bit better.
Alonzo Banx (13:38)
easy to get excited. like all things we talk about, communication ends up being the number one answer to most of the problems that we face. Cupcake, you were looking to say something.
Cupcake (13:47)
I was just gonna piggyback off it, and I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with it. It is a really nice feeling, but I also know that I maybe didn’t handle it as well as I should have, and I don’t want to make anyone feel bad because of my actions, even though I’m excited. So it was just more of learning experience because it was more of just, this is new, this is all new territory.
and just kind of be like, okay, I probably didn’t handle that the best. How can I handle it better the next time?
Alonzo Banx (14:18)
Most of our conversations here are to try to help people avoid the things that we pitfall into. So I’m not going let you get off the hook that easy. I didn’t handle it well. How’d you screw up? What’d you do?
Cupcake (14:31)
I mean it’s similar to what know Noah was saying is that you start neglecting other relationships and You know I neglected my relationship with my husband to an extent because you know for example me and cookie go to the gym three times a week and then I would maybe go over and see them once or twice a week and then you’re leaving not very much time for anything else and so I
I had to really kind of sit down and just like, okay, I understand that’s where I kind of was going wrong. And I adjusted it and it’s not the end of the world. Like, you know what I mean? Like you just because you’re not spending that time with those people, it doesn’t mean that that’s going to fizzle out. You know, you’re just changing it. It’s not, you know, it’s not wrong. It’s just different now.
Alonzo Banx (15:19)
Thank you. Heather, you wanted to jump in there with something.
Heather (15:22)
Bebe is also, he’s seeing somebody, they’re not dating person, they’re not like, they haven’t put labels on anything, but he’s seeing someone outside of our quad and ⁓ he is coming home all smiles, just really excited about his date and the person he’s with and you know, she’s coming to our game nights and I really like her a lot. I feel like I wing-manned the shit out of that situation.
So that makes me feel better. But he does amazing. Bebe constantly asks me what my space is. He’s constantly putting the same amount of effort and energy into our relationship. So I really appreciate that from him when this is a little scary and a little new for me.
Max (15:51)
Well done.
Noah (16:07)
Just to interrupt real quick, I would just want to say that when your woman partner wingman’s for you, it is the best in the world. It is so good.
Max (16:17)
.
Heather (16:18)
was on a hike with her before they even went on their first outing together. And we were talking about Beeb and I was just gushing about how amazing he and what he does. And she was like, can I ask him out on a date? Is that okay? And I was like, yeah, go ahead.
Max (16:34)
Nice.
Alonzo Banx (16:35)
cupcake.
Cupcake (16:36)
No, it’s actually kind of funny because I can bounce off of Heather because I kind of wing manned my husband’s new partner too. But they’ve known each other longer than I’ve known my husband and they actually, one of the festivals we go to, they’ve gone one year longer than I have. And so their first time going together, they hooked up and they were just part of this, you know, the same circles and same, you know, rent fair and things like that. And for a long time,
I was uncomfortable with knowing that there might be around or I didn’t feel threatened, but it was still in this time of my life where I didn’t really understand non-monogamy. So it was weird for me for a while. And when I finally kind of started coming into my own and being able to be authentically me, I started thinking like, this is something that I should
look into, you know, and I was having conversations with them and I kind of helped wingman that situation and they’ve been seeing each other since June, so I’m not mad about it.
Alonzo Banx (17:39)
Well, we’ve talked before
about how being each other’s wingman or wing woman is one of the great keys to success, but I’d go in keeping with this conversation. Does it make their NRE easier for you to accept if you’re part of the relationship from the very beginning? If you helped foster that and bring it in, does it make it easier for you to deal with it? I see nodding heads, but I need audio.
Cupcake (18:05)
I think, yeah, I mean, absolutely, since, you know, you’re kind of the reason it’s happening. it’s, it’s been different because like, they come over and it’s a lot of hanging out with the three of us. So I’ve, I’ve been able to kind of experience it, you know, and take it as much as I can take it. But I’m glad to have this experience because I needed myself to know how I was going to feel in this situation.
and having it be someone that I kind of already felt comfortable with and already kind of knew, it helped the situation go a lot smoother for me, I think.
Alonzo Banx (18:39)
Heather, any comment on that before we pass it over to Max?
Heather (18:42)
think what’s really helpful for me is that the person he’s seeing is very poly aware. She’s always checking in with me. She has great, her and I have great communication. and, she’s always asking like, Hey, is this okay? Are you comfortable with this? How do you feel about this? And she’s not only asking me, she’s asking Patty also. So the level of respect she has for not only me, but my girlfriend, Patty and his girlfriend, Patty is, is so nice.
So it makes me feel really comfortable with him seeing her.
Alonzo Banx (19:14)
Next.
Max (19:16)
So yeah, so I have two salient points. one thing that how I put it, it’s like, I can handle my drugs in that, and this being the drug that we’re talking about, because you want to get a lot of it. It’s great. But you also know, right, you can only have so much, but that also keeps the supply there because you’re not going to go through it. Immediately. Also, like we keep referring to it as like new relationship energy and something that’s going to burn out and like it’s there and then it’s gone.
and then you’d need a new relationship to find it again. But I don’t think that’s true. think you get second and third waves of it with your existing partners when you connect on a deeper level or you find a new activity together or find out something that’s new to you they used to do. And you’re like, my God, because I mean, I’m 49 now. And so I meet people and it’s fun to meet young people.
Also very fun to meet people my age and we’ve lived a long life and we’ve done lots of different things. And when you reconnect over those things, you can have these second and third waves of this new energy together. So you can get more of the good stuff. And sometimes the second or third wave it’s different or hits better. So, you know, like the people who get into it and think that’s a new person that they have to chase and things burn out and
neglecting their current relationships or they’re trying to have 12, which would be way too many for anyone. You know, you can have this kind of energy and this kind of excitement with the same people again and again.
Alonzo Banx (20:43)
I think absolutely. you get it right, it can go on for a long time. I think a lot of us though, that first experience with someone new, as you said, you’re learning things, you’re finding things out, you’re figuring it. To me, it is a slight difference than I listen to Heather and her relationship with Bieve and her partner she’s been going with for quite a while. That’s past NRE. That’s just being in love with people and foolishly and ridiculously, and you can see it all over her face every time she talks.
But NRE is that early excitement when you’re delving into it. You’re trying to figure out what’s Cupcake.
Noah (21:22)
I just want to have 12 partners now just to prove to Max that it can be done.
Alonzo Banx (21:24)
Yeah, just to show Mac
you can do it, right.
Max (21:27)
Good luck.
Cupcake (21:27)
You
Heather (21:28)
him
Cupcake (21:28)
would.
Heather (21:28)
think the second he said it. I was like, bet.
Alonzo Banx (21:30)
you
Cupcake (21:31)
Prove
me wrong.
Noah (21:32)
Yeah.
Max (21:33)
Wow.
I mean, if you can be independently wealthy, maybe, because then you don’t ever have to work.
Alonzo Banx (21:35)
Thank
Cupcake (21:39)
That’s a lot of
work,
Heather (21:42)
you
Noah (21:43)
I know, I’ve watched a lot of poor
dudes just pull in ladies all day long, so I could do it, you know?
Cupcake (21:47)
No.
Heather (21:47)
Yeah.
Max (21:49)
I mean, I guess within the 13 people, if there’s independent wealth, then you’re all covered.
Cupcake (21:54)
Yeah
Noah (21:54)
There you
go, there you go. I always wanted to be a trophy husband when I grew up, you know?
Alonzo Banx (21:58)
That’s
my life ambition. Yeah, absolutely. Cupcake.
Max (22:00)
I’m good golf.
Cupcake (22:02)
Wow.
I’m lost now. No, I mean, I was just going to comment on like, I even though for example, I was, you know, myself, my husband and his partner were sitting down playing a board game today. And you know, we would just be talking about random things. And it was just, it was fun to even though I’m not necessarily in a relationship with, you know, my husband’s partner.
it’s still fun for me to an extent to find things that I have in common with them and to find the little things that they have in common and just having conversations about, you know, what we have all in common. So for example, my husband’s partner is a little bit more dominant in personality. And so it’s kind of cute to compare that to then compared to Noah and the way that they are, you know, very similar or, you know, the way that
My husband and Cookie have similarities and it’s just fun to like, even on my side, it’s not, you know, it’s a different kind of new relationship energy because you’re finding somebody that is fitting into your group and fitting into your, you know, your life and that’s, that’s fun.
Alonzo Banx (23:12)
Well, I think you just gave us a conversation for our next talk, which is how do you form relationships with paramours and all the other. Yeah, thank you. Well, it could be how you win a board game too.
Cupcake (23:16)
Well.
Max (23:22)
It’s not how do you win at board games.
Cupcake (23:24)
I won. I won by the way,
I won.
Max (23:27)
Good, I thought so, I hoped so.
Cupcake (23:30)
Shocking, right?
Alonzo Banx (23:30)
Okay, staying
staying on balancing. Does anyone have any uncomfortable stories of being in this that they care to share from a learning experience? Please Noah.
Noah (23:41)
Yeah. So when I met Cookie a few years back, that was probably the most intense new relationship energy time I’d ever had. And it was amazing. Don’t get me wrong. So much was talked about and shared and so many experiences were had that
I will never forget and they’re so dear to me and really the backbone of our relationship today in many ways. However, I was also lucky to have been in a position where my boss was at the time considering retirement and so was kind of checked out and my expectations at work were fairly low.
And I was able to coast a lot more than I usually would have been and certainly couldn’t do today. and, and I said, I’m lucky because I do believe I would have been fired if that same thing happened today, because all day long at work, I was texting and messaging and enamored and blushing and whatever it was that I, I couldn’t stop talking to this woman. And,
It not only affected my work and again, luckily I was in a position where it didn’t harm me forever, right? But it really started to affect the other relationships in my life with my children even, right? It was taking away time from my son. And I think looking back, I should have put more boundaries up, a little bit.
not so much to have stopped the relationship or stopped the pressure or the absolute wild feeling I was feeling, but this time I’ll never get back with my son. And I regret that And I think it’s important for us to remember that when we’re going through these things in our life that
it feels so good and like heroin feels amazing. I’ve never done, but I’ve been told, right. But like heroin, you’re, you’re chasing that rush and the feeling, and it can be destructive. It can, it can ruin your life. and I got lucky. I’d really do. I feel like I got lucky because the stars aligned and things didn’t turn out that way, but.
I really do believe I could have lost my job. could have lost more. And if it happened today, I don’t think I’d be nearly as lucky as I was then. It was a perfect moment. But I respect it now. I do. A lot.
Alonzo Banx (26:09)
It takes a lot for us to notice it in ourselves. think it’s easier to see it in others than it is to see it in ourselves when we’re the ones riding that high. Heather, I gotta put this back on you though. You love deeply. You love passionately. From what I know about you, how do you keep from messing up?
Heather (26:28)
Oh gosh, uh, I get, um, so when I first started seeing Bebe, um, I, we would talk on the phone for hours. mean, like sometimes eight hours a day. So I didn’t want it to affect, um, what I was doing, uh, my day to day. So I got headphones with a microphone, uh, so I wouldn’t have to hold a phone to my face and he got the same ones.
so that we could be hands-free while on the phone with each other. And sometimes we wouldn’t even be talking. We would just be hearing each other go about our business throughout the day. So I got resourceful with my NRE. And I have zero regrets about that because we would have such amazing conversations and I didn’t want to not hear him breathing. So I don’t know, weird, but.
Max (27:12)
you
Heather (27:21)
yes. I, and I’m right now with my partners, now that I am Polly and, I have John and Patty and my girlfriend. there’s just a lot of communication, a lot of like, Hey, how are you feeling? I’m checking in with you. And, I was just telling me today, like, he doesn’t have to tell me yes. If I’m asking him to go somewhere or do something, and his cup is feeling empty. He doesn’t have to tell me yes. He can just tell me like, Hey,
I need more time with you. Can you postpone that? And it’s not going to be something that’s going to upset me. ⁓ I am happy to prioritize a relationship where a cup is empty.
Alonzo Banx (27:55)
Yeah, don’t ever get me wrong, there’s nothing in me saying an arena is bad. Freaking awesome. It has to be managed, is my point, on both sides.
Noah (28:05)
you
Heather (28:05)
I don’t think I did it very
well when I was dating Beeb when we were brand new. I don’t think it affected any relationships because most of the time I’m talking to him. My kids are in school and I’m stay at home mom. So I was getting my shit done, but I spent a lot of time, a lot of time talking to him. So I’m really thankful that I wasn’t in the office. So I appreciate that.
Alonzo Banx (28:33)
Max, you always have a different expectation or a different perspective on those of us in this lifestyle. What’s your take on all this?
Max (28:42)
I mean, I thought I kind of said it earlier. I don’t, this is strange for me. You’re giving me the mic and I’m like, uh, wait, I don’t have more to say. Um, I mean, I guess I haven’t, you know, luckily been in a position where, you know, the hardcore infatuation with, with something or someone new and had responsibilities. Um, either I got lucky and I wasn’t working at the time or I’m good enough that I can, uh,
So that personal cell phones on a manufacturing floor, when you’re at a secure site are not allowed. So it makes it easier. You’re in the habit of putting them on, do not disturb and the outside world shut off. you’re, you don’t have a choice. I suppose you could still think about the person and all of that, but that’s not as good as actually talking to them. I mean, being on the phone with them all, like honestly, that technology move to me, I’m like, well, no, that’s good.
It’s like I have this new car and I can be on the phone in the car hands free safely. And I’m like, it’s just like they’re in the car and I’m chatting with them on my long drive. There’s nothing wrong with that. and it’s, know, just the safe. And if I have to ignore them for the road, I will. So I guess, I mean, maybe that’s the same thing we have to do with NRE, you know, enjoy it while we can. But when, you know, something important is in front of us, we’re going to drop that attention, pay attention to that. we don’t.
you know, hit a cow and crash and die, cause that would be bad for everybody. we, you know, drive safely, avoid the cow and then get back to them and be like, ⁓ I’m sorry. I wasn’t paying attention for the last five minutes. I was trying to live.
Alonzo Banx (30:13)
And the cow appreciates it too. Go ahead Noah.
Max (30:15)
Well,
until we turn it into hamburgers.
Noah (30:18)
I think there’s just a couple of things to really like pay attention to with NRE, right? We know it feels good and the person that you’re talking to deserves attention and whatever, especially if you’re trying to grow that, right? If you’re trying to get an attachment there. And I don’t want to discourage anyone from enjoying it. I think it’s important though to remember your other relationships of all types, but especially the
the polyamorous ones that you might be in. And you need to carve out the time with them to make sure you’re spending it without the distraction of the other person. And that could mean setting up date nights with that person, right? Like, you know, it’s one thing to say, okay, tonight I’m not going to talk to this person, but if you spend the rest of the time playing video games, it doesn’t mean anything.
Right? You didn’t actually water your relationship, right? You’re letting it dry up and die. What you need to do is make your other partners feel important. Like they matter. And if you can do that, I really do feel like that can help some of, if not most of, the jealousy that they may feel.
And I think you’d appreciate it too if they did it back to you. Right. I think, I think the other, the other portion of it is, making sure that you are,
Including your partner, if it makes sense. Right, so we listened to Heather talking about how, you know, there’s these relationships where they get along with their other partners and they’re all kind of talking, right? I experienced that with Cupcake and Cookie as well, right? They actually found each other and I was kind of the one that came into that as a separate entity.
And then we all began a relationship and that’s all kind of a shared experience. And even if it’s not per se all a romantic experience, if it’s possible to share at least a friendship or a communication with the other partners so that they’re communicating with each other, I think that’s ideal, at least in my own experience. I think it helps distribute some of that.
Anxiety, nothing feels well, maybe not nothing, but in general things don’t feel like a secret if you’re doing that, right? If there’s more communication, there’s not an opportunity for them to be like, well, you were out with them all last night. I don’t know anything that happened. Now you’re talking to them all day. I’m not a part of that conversation. And it creates this, this separation. And for me, if there’s a way to, to integrate respectfully and whatever the dynamic is.
that communication. think that goes a long way.
Alonzo Banx (33:05)
Absolutely. think the more everyone is in the relationship, the easier it becomes. Heather, I see you. Max, I see you. But Max, using your hitting a cow analogy, I’m about to put a deer in the headlights. Cupcake, you’re going to get the last word tonight. So I’m going to go to Heather. I’m going to go to Max. And then, see? Deer in the headlights. That’s exactly what I was saying. OK. So Heather, Max, and then Cupcake, you’re going to close this out tonight. Heather, you had something to add,
Cupcake (33:25)
Why do you do this?
Max (33:28)
You like it.
Heather (33:33)
was just going to bounce off Noah was saying when you’re when you’re with a certain partner or person just being intentional when you’re with them. You know not being on your phone texting that other person while you’re with that your partner or whatever. I think it speaks volumes to the person you’re with and feeling seen and heard and appreciated. So.
I try to be very intentional about my phone and not texting another partner while I’m with a partner if I can avoid it.
Alonzo Banx (34:05)
Absolutely. Next.
Max (34:07)
So I hope you won’t think this is too much of a bird walk, but so I had a really good friend in high school. Her and I were really good friends. Never dated, never did any of that. just, it never went in that direction. And for me being, you know, demisexual, saposexual, but those good, intimate, long-term relationships were always very important to me, you know? And finally, after college, she met someone, they got married. It’s great. He was an all right dude. I’d still see her.
But I always saw her with him and it was fine, but it got to the point where I was like, I didn’t feel like I had a relationship with her anymore. I didn’t have a friendship with her anymore. I just had a friendship with them. And then we grew apart. And it was like, because our, our relationship wasn’t still as Noah said, watered, right? It, she, I mean, and maybe it was part of where I got hired with the monogamous.
dynamic and rules and structure where people are like, well, you know, the wife can’t hang out with a male friend by like, why would they do that? whereas in these dynamics, it’s acceptable, understood and encouraged. And it’s, not exactly NRE stuff, but kind of the same thing of like a relationship that just, didn’t get continued and nurtured. And that part of it died.
Alonzo Banx (35:22)
I don’t think that’s far off. It’s the same emotions. It’s that same you got cut out by someone else’s Cupcake, take a side of the show for tonight. Give me those words of wisdom.
Cupcake (35:35)
Well, I mean, I think I was going to kind of go into, you know, speaking to people that, you know, are maybe still new to this. And while, you know, some of us could have differing opinions on what new relationship energy should or could feel like or how to handle it. If you’re if you’re new to this, it’s going to be treading in a new
lake or new pond or whatever it may be and it’s all going to be a learning experience and you have to be open to looking at yourself and seeing how you can adjust out of just you know respect for others and respect for commitments and respect for you know jobs and things like that and there’s nothing wrong with making adjustments but there’s also nothing wrong with enjoying the moment.
because, you know, again, we only live on this world for a short time and you should be enjoying your time. But you have to, you know, again, like, like Noah was saying, you can’t just do heroin. You know, you just can’t because that changes your life and everything is part of this, you know, this this world and things can affect other things. But, you know, you’re in your place for a reason. But
remember that everyone’s different and everyone handles things different, everyone has different personalities, and some people might handle something different than you would. what Max was saying is he’s like, no, I don’t see a problem in it at all. That’s fine. That doesn’t mean that the way that for myself who might be still struggling with it or struggling with my FOMO or struggling with, you know, this new world, it doesn’t mean that
It’s wrong. It’s just a way that you learn and based off of how you’ve had trauma in your past or how you’ve grown up, people are going to do things differently and just being able to adjust how you’re doing it and adjust based off of partners and new people in your life, that’s a balance you have to kind of learn.
Alonzo Banx (37:40)
I think you did that fantastically. You know, for those who’ve been following us now, this is our 17th episode tonight. about that. 17 weeks of meeting every Sunday night. And I think if you follow the show, you realize that there’s so many of the things that we talk about all come down to the same three components. Communication, compersion, and an understanding that we’re all human and make mistakes. And when you can look at your partners that way.
Cupcake (37:42)
Thanks.
Max (37:44)
the
Alonzo Banx (38:08)
You get through all this stuff. I am so thrilled with where the show has gone in our 17 episodes and so thrilled on our future. Heather and Noah, Max Cupcake, been staples of everything we’re doing. I can’t thank you enough for being on tonight. This has been the Poly SoCal Podcast. You are awesome. Thank you for being here. Follow the website, come with us, and we’ll be back next week.