One of the most spirited PolySoCal roundtables yet, exploring the question: Do you have to be kinky to be poly? and Isn’t poly just swinging, anyway?
What begins as a lighthearted discussion quickly evolves into a candid exploration of love, sex, and self-definition. With a full cast including Max, Patty, Cupcake, John, Noah, and Heather, the conversation dives deep into how we define “kink,” what separates emotional connection from sexual play, and why definitions matter less than honesty and communication.
From laughter over “fridge contents” to heartfelt reflections on trust, vulnerability, and love, this episode captures PolySoCal at its best — open, real, and full of laughter that speaks the language of community.
Max, Patty, Cupcake, John, Noah, and Heather,
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks and we have a very unique night tonight. We have an interesting question and a very interesting crew that can’t seem to stop laughing. But tonight we’re going to talk about, you have to be kinky to be in poly and isn’t poly just really swinging anyway? So with that,
Jon (00:16)
You
Alonzo Banx (00:24)
Hi everyone, if we can all stop laughing long enough to say our hellos. No? Okay, so we’ve got Max, we’ve got Addie, we’ve got Cupcake, we’ve got John, we’ve got Noah, we’ve got Heather, and we’ve got me. So let’s do the around the clock thing so everyone can say hello, Max. You’re first up, because this was actually your question.
Noah (00:29)
Hi.
Max (00:31)
Maybe.
Hi, I’m Max. I didn’t even realize it was my question, but I am the single, demisexual, submissive, sapiosexual male who offers his point of view.
Alonzo Banx (00:55)
And Patty?
Patty (00:56)
Hi, I’m Patti. I sometimes co-host with Alonzo on this podcast. I am dating John, or my husband is John. I’m dating Heather and dating Bebe and dating someone, newly dating someone else. John and I have been married for 29 years, together for 31, and we have been dating Heather and Bebe for a year and a half, a little over a year and
Alonzo Banx (01:25)
And it’s a great night. We’ve got most of your polycule on tonight. Cupcake.
Patty (01:30)
Mm-hmm.
Cupcake (01:33)
Cupcake. I am married to my husband for three years, total of eight years, Noah, the other gentleman or one of the other gentlemen’s on the call, due to the subject I’ll just say it’s a partner and also my dominant and his primary partner Cookie is also one of my partners. And then my husband is newly dating and so I have a metamorph.
Alonzo Banx (01:55)
John, you’re up.
Jon (01:57)
Hello,
Heather (01:57)
you
Jon (01:58)
I’m John. Patty’s dating me, it seems. That’s exciting. ⁓ It’s nice being married and dating at the same time. cool. I’m also in a very loving relationship with Heather, who is also on this podcast as well. And yeah, and I have a better morning, Beeb, who I pal out with as much as possible. We do a lot of man stuff.
Max (02:01)
It’s good news.
Jon (02:21)
and hope to do some more man stuff later, go to Home Depot, that kind of thing. And yeah, all of the original stats still are true. 29 years of marriage, 31 years with Patty, a year and a half together. It’s been quite a ride.
Cupcake (02:38)
This is gonna go so well. I can just feel it.
Jon (02:40)
Yeah
Alonzo Banx (02:41)
There is a way.
Max (02:42)
Laughter is the best
medicine for whatever ails you.
Jon (02:44)
Yeah.
Alonzo Banx (02:45)
There
is a very unique energy in the room tonight. No question. Noah, welcome again, sir. Give me some, give me some sanity here.
Noah (02:53)
Yeah, sanity you say. I’m the hardcore BDSM daddy to Cupcake and Cookie. Cupcake’s on the call tonight, Cookie is not. Unlike what Cupcake said, I am a man, however I am rarely gentle.
Max (02:59)
you
Jon (02:59)
You
Alonzo Banx (03:08)
it’s gonna be a night. Welcome, and Heather, my last wisp of hope. Can I get some sanity in the introductions tonight?
Jon (03:10)
Yeah.
Heather (03:19)
give it a go. Hi I’m Heather. I’ve been married to Beeb for three years. I am in a poly relationship with John and Patti dating them for a year and a half and I have a girlfriend outside of that polycule and if you’re going to Home Depot can you give me a call?
Patty (03:41)
You
Jon (03:41)
Yeah, yeah, 100%.
Alonzo Banx (03:45)
Now that we’ve got the shopping list out of the way So the conversation tonight God I can see this going off the rails quick was Do you have to be kinky to be him Polly and? Isn’t Polly just swinging anyway? Who wants to jump on that first for me? Go ahead, Mr. Noah
Cupcake (03:48)
here.
Noah (04:06)
If I’m gonna give like a real honest answer, would say blanket statement, no. With the caveat of I think being at least a little kinky probably is a fairly common thing in the polyamorous community. And so you’re probably gonna find more and easier connections in that area. However, what I’ve found in speaking with many polyamorous couples,
and in my own experiences is that while there is often like a sexual kinky side to things, it’s primarily about love, emotional connection and relationship. And I think that’s really the bridging factor there, the primary factor. And there are plenty of people out there, I’m sure, who can have wonderful polyamorous relationships without being kinky per se. But.
I enjoy it more if are.
Patty (04:56)
You
Alonzo Banx (04:57)
Cake, I see your hand up.
No, I think one of things that’s really important to have as a baseline is what does kinky mean? Simply being poly, by definition, is having sex in relationships with more than one person. That.
in itself can be considered kinky. Kinky can be the activities that you do while you’re having sex. So I don’t think it’s a straightforward answer because the definition is so hard to come by. Is even having sex with multiple people kinky? Cupcake, you are up first.
Cupcake (05:30)
I mean, I’m gonna bounce off kind of what you said is, you what is the definition of kinky and what, you know, what do people consider kinky? So, you know, what I would say the normies might consider kinky in a different level than what I would consider kinky, you know, and do you need to have that? That’s a, yeah, it’s a loaded question because it could be at any level. You know, I had an
an ex that I asked them to blindfold me and do stuff and that was too much. So, to me that was like, that’s not even grazing the top of the spectrum. I think it has a lot to do. I think it would help in this situation because like you were saying, Polly itself can be considered a kink, but you end up with multiple people. You also end up with multiple personalities.
And you also end up with multiple levels of personalities and where people fall on that in a group setting. You you’ve got the people that are, you know, a little bit more dominant. You’ve got people that can do both switching from one to the other. And then you have people that are usually kind of more of a dismissive type. And so when you have this group of people or a polycule, I think you kind of establish those roles by just physically being in a group.
Alonzo Banx (06:44)
And don’t think everyone plays equally with all partners. I mean, some people have different relationships with different people. John, Patty, Max, I see you all have your hand up. John, you were first.
Jon (06:52)
Me? I was first? I thought Max was first. I’ll throw it out there. I feel like comparing Polly to Kink is looking at it from two different… It’s almost two different subjects. To me, Polly speaks to the love that you have with multiple people, where Kink speaks to the sexual side of you and stuff, whatever.
And while there’s overlap there and stuff, whatever, I don’t think they’re related exactly in the same way. But what I do think is that the brain that can be poly is the same brain that can be open to exploring kinks and things like that. for sure, you’re to see a lot of the same thing happening all over the place because that’s a very similar sort of maybe an open-mindedness and a willingness to explore that exists there. But I don’t think that they’re.
directly related that way in my head.
Alonzo Banx (07:39)
I agree from my standpoint, I think you hit it right on the head, that poly is about multiple relationships, swing is about multiple sexual connections, and kink is about the actions that you do in those. But one of things we’ve discussed many times on this podcast is all of the terms are very personal. What means something to me means something different to someone else. But John, I tend to agree with exactly what you just said in there. Patty, you’re up next.
Patty (08:08)
John kind of said what I was, what was in my head. And one of the things that I think is you can be kinky and be monogamous. You can be poly and not necessarily kinky unless you’re defining multiple relationships as kinky in that way, which we talked about. considering your dating as people do, what if you have,
are starting to just randomly go out and meet people and just go on dates and do that. Is that considered kinky if you start connecting with more than one person? Not necessarily. You’re openly dating before committing to somebody. And so for me, I don’t define kink as necessarily being poly. I define kink as more like,
what you do do in the bedroom and poly as being more of the emotional connections that you end up having. then swinging, would associate more towards having a little bit more of a kink to it.
Max (09:10)
So yeah, so basically I’m gonna unload the question, because now I do remember asking it and I definitely had bullets in the chamber and I kind of had three of them and I did, I did. And I got a lot of what I wanted, which is I wanted to hear everyone’s answers before I went, but I’m go in front of Because for me, it…
Alonzo Banx (09:18)
You You asked this question the other day.
Max (09:32)
It’s the split of, yeah, things that are like sexual connections, emotional connections and friendship connections. And I think why I finally admitted that I guess I am Polly. Noah called me Polly in an earlier week and I went, you know what? He’s right. And I hate saying that, but I’ll say it because I used, you know, we try to find all these things in one person and it’s, it becomes too much. It’s weight. It’s stressful on that person on yourself.
And then people start, you know, I mean, the friendship one is the easiest one to get outside of that main relationship because you should have friends that aren’t just your, your, your mate in a common monogamous relationship, right? You’re a guy friends, go do guy stuff with, but you know, guy friendship can only be so close. Um, and you know, you definitely can’t have it then with the women. And there’s some people who like, once they get married, suddenly the, the partner isn’t allowed to have opposite sex friendships. And it’s just, mean, you know, a horrible, horrible thing.
But so for me, think early and a reason, especially, think being demisexual, I didn’t date much at all was it was like, I didn’t want to date someone unless end game was possible. And as a Jewish male trying to find a dominant female who was Jewish in San Diego was really hard. So I just never dated and I never got into. I don’t want to call it a game because it’s not a game. We got into that exploring that part of life. It was always very.
something that I was concerned with. then when I was interested, you know, it was a super inexperienced that I didn’t know what I was doing. so it’s curious to hear it from everyone. Cause I think then in poly you start interweaving these connections. Some are very emotional and maybe not sexual or you don’t even have a, you know, you know, a hangout friendship with them, but you have that emotional support or another one you’re doing a ton of all your, your friend activities and maybe sex is a part of it.
But the, the honesty is there and the communication is there. So everyone who’s involved kind of knows where the boundaries are and you can get what you need, um, and give what you’re able to give to different people. And you kind of, you know, weave together your own little unit of life. And it kind of makes, it makes loss, I think, or I hope easier, or it makes things that seem difficult to obtain in a person. Well, I can obtain it with a couple of people or, or more.
I forget what was the number that your goal was from the other week Noah? Like eight or something?
Noah (11:54)
Right, yeah, I think so. That’s right.
Jon (11:55)
You
Alonzo Banx (11:57)
Heather, not letting you off the hook. Heather, you haven’t spoken yet. I’m not letting you off the hook. Cupcake, you had your hand up.
Cupcake (11:57)
Don’t worry Max, I hate saying no’s right too.
Jon (12:01)
Okay.
Max (12:01)
Yeah, we agree. We agree.
Noah (12:05)
Unbelievable.
Patty (12:08)
You
Cupcake (12:09)
No, so I really kind of listened to John and Patti and I totally get where you guys are separating it and it doesn’t make a lot more sense in my brain the more I think about it. And what was interesting to me is that I might be a pretty kinky person and then we kind of moved into trying to swing and I just didn’t get into swinging like I thought I would.
Alonzo Banx (12:09)
There’s no way we work for this today.
Cupcake (12:35)
when I discovered that that wasn’t really what I wanted and kind of moved more into the poly realm. It’s interesting me to hear, you know, swinging a little bit more kinky, but I guess it’s just not my kink.
Alonzo Banx (12:45)
Heather, you’re being very quiet tonight.
Heather (12:45)
you
I’m listening to everyone. I’ve, the most part, I’m agreeing with what everyone has said. it’s bringing, bringing pretty true to me. I do feel that swinging is, lacks emotion and deeper feelings. So it’s, I don’t know, it feels like a hit it and quit it situation when I’m sure there’s swinging relationships that people will swing with the same person over and over again.
but it’s still not for me. Like I develop emotional entanglements with people. So I just feel like there’s a huge difference when it comes to swinging and poly. Like you can’t, it’s distinguishable for me.
Alonzo Banx (13:24)
I agree, think there very much is. Cupcake, had something you wanted to jump back in?
Cupcake (13:28)
to touch base on something that Heather had mentioned, like with swinging, is like there’s people that swing with the same people multiple times, but to me, I consider that a relationship of some sort. like, sometimes you wonder if people are like, no, maybe you’re just Polly. But they, you know, they swing with the same person over and over and have friends and benefits. But to me, that’s an established relationship, whether or not there’s, you know, it’s depending on how much motion is into it, it’s still kind of like an established relationship to me.
Alonzo Banx (13:54)
Heather, I you want to say something back again and click because Max and Noah both want to jump in.
Heather (13:59)
Just a, yes, definitely
an established relationship of some kind, but I wouldn’t define it as poly. I’ve had swinging partners that I’ve swung with for years and it hasn’t been poly. Definitely a friendship, but not poly. Not to the poly level. So yes, definitely an established relationship of some kind.
Noah (14:20)
Yeah, and I think what I’m hearing here on my side is that, you know, definitions are hard, right? So one person’s definition of, you know, Alonzo, you mentioned this a little bit earlier, but, you know, one person’s definition of poly is different than the next. And I think that’s always the biggest important part when we’re trying to engage in these kinds of relationships, when we’re talking about what we expect from each other, right? That we need to be clear about what…
we mean by poly what we want from a poly relationship, right? Some people feel like there should be zero hierarchy whatsoever. You’ve been married to that person for 30 years, tough, too bad. You know, the person you’re dating is on equal playing ground, right? Which works for some, doesn’t work for others, right? Some people think poly is swinging. Some people think, you know, poly is, you know, cuddling with multiple people at the same time, right?
I think that’s very hard to pin down what poly means. For me, I guess I feel like poly kind of starts where traditional monogamy ends. And you could probably even decide what does traditional monogamy mean, right? But I think a lot of that turns into, are you allowed to have friends of the opposite sex or?
If you’re in a same sex relationship or you’re a person who’s interested in same sex relationships, are you having friends with people who are very, your same sex? Are you allowed to do that? Do you allow your partner to do that? Well, maybe that’s the start of poly, right? I don’t know. We could probably go on and try to get to the minutiae all day long. think ultimately it turns into your own definition matters. Um, but you need to realize everybody else’s definitions are different than yours.
Alonzo Banx (15:58)
Max, John, know you both have something you want to come in, then I want to take this in a little bit of a different direction, but Max, please jump on.
Max (16:05)
Yeah, mine’s, this was a, this is a quick one for me. guess the sliver of how I look at swinging is, is it’s sex as a hobby. So for me, it’s like, Hey, I’m interested in swinging with you. Then it’s, it’s clear. And also like, I’m not, I’m not forcing them to have that expectation of, okay, we’re going to develop a connection and a relationship and, and all this and see if something comes of it. No, it’s like, no, we just think, uh, we’d be good at doing X or Z.
you whatever that may be and we’re going to explore that and there’s no there’s no commitment everyone’s on the same page and then we move on.
Alonzo Banx (16:42)
I agree, I want to touch on that just a second, but John, you had something you wanted, did you?
Jon (16:45)
Yeah, just one little thing to what Noah was saying about the definition of poly for at least for me and and I don’t know if it will be the same for others but poly being charged for polyamory including the word love I feel like love is that piece that that makes that definition in a way so then again you got to look at your definition of love perhaps you know like I love my friends so much and stuff that I have sex with them but
But yeah, think there’s still a definition there that you gotta work out, but for me it’s that love piece.
Noah (17:19)
Listen, if you can’t fuck your friends, who can you fuck?
Alonzo Banx (17:20)
I
Jon (17:22)
Right, I know, line them up.
Patty (17:22)
You
Alonzo Banx (17:24)
you had something you had to jump in there with.
Max (17:24)
toys.
Patty (17:25)
Yeah,
I know you want to take things in a different direction, something that I noticed because John and I have been polyamorous for a very, very long time and I noticed that the definitions have evolved over time. So when John and I first started, polyamory was very different than swinging. was polyamory, was
multiple relationship deep connections love where sex may or may not happen like like two monogamous relationships intertwined you know would be poly and then swinging was all about sex and you might be buddies with that person but there was no emotional connection but now as things are evolving it seems like poly is kind of more of the umbrella term for multiple relationships of different types of different magnitudes
of importance, it kind of is encompassing all of it. So I think, you know, defining the definition and what it means to you helps clarity for your potential people that are coming into your life.
Alonzo Banx (18:26)
Absolutely. And you talk about, you know, those of us who’ve been around this lifestyle for a long time, the word polyamory was actually first used in 1990. And it was used in an article called, the article was a bouquet of lovers in a magazine. So those of us who’ve been at this longer than 1990, that term wasn’t even used back then. Took a while for it to catch on, but I think John hit it right on the head. Amory, love.
polyamory is about, for me, the emotional connection. Whereas swinging has always been more about the sexual connection. And for those of us who are a bit into the kink world, had many relationships that I very much cared for the person, but love wasn’t on the table. You know, would I have helped them at two in the morning when their car broke down? Sure. But I’m not going to be figuring out who’s paying the bills at the end of the month and, you know, what goes in the refrigerator together. That’s a really
With that, have you been in relationships that were one without the other? Have you been in relationships where you can say, yes, I had an emotional, I love that person, but we never had sex? Or had sexual relationships with someone where it’s like, no, I wasn’t going to figure out who takes out the trash. was no love there. John?
Jon (19:42)
Yes, my very first poly experience was actually with this woman who was getting a divorce from her husband and was identifying as lesbian. And she did not have any interest in having intercourse with me. We would be intimate with each other kissing and stuff like that, but she was not wanting to have sex with me. And we called it poly. met her in a poly meetups and stuff like that.
online poly groups. yeah, that started off very, or started and ended non-sexual.
Alonzo Banx (20:14)
You can absolutely have poly without kink, without sex in fact, without swing. Anyone have any they’ve been in that were the opposite? Perhaps a swing relationship that wasn’t poly, wasn’t about love? Heather?
Heather (20:29)
I’ve had multiple sexual partners who I didn’t love at all. So there was no emotional love feelings there. I mean, there was emotions, obviously, but not love by any means. I’ve been in BDSM dynamics where love wasn’t involved. I’ve been in just casual sexual relationships where there’s been no love involved. So the first couple I met in the lifestyle in Florida,
I had never been with anyone else except for my husband for the past, God, I it was like 10 years at that point. And I didn’t know what sex was like outside of that. So they introduced me to a lot of stuff and I didn’t love them. I cared about them a lot, but I could care less what was in their fridge.
Alonzo Banx (21:12)
think that’s an important distinction, Patty, I see your hand up. Is that yeah, you can just because you say I’m not in love with someone doesn’t mean you don’t care about them as a person doesn’t mean you don’t have a connection and a relationship with them. And I think John, as you said before, a relationship with someone is normal. If you if you’re friends, you have a relationship. But it’s different when you go to that level of I care about what’s in your refrigerator, and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, Patty, you had something you wanted to add.
Patty (21:39)
I’m very similar to Heather in that way too. Like I’ve had a lot of swinging experiences or just friends with benefits and there’s been a clear distinction of emotional boundaries and I tend to be kinky or I like kink and I also like swinging but I am a little more selective with emotional investment and relationships.
I don’t try to have an emotional relationship with everybody that may come into my life or that I see or even have sex with.
Max (22:11)
yeah, and continuing to break the mold. So the ladies apparently can can have sex with no emotional connection where I, the man, have led the other the other way all my life. I can as even even when I was young, there were twin girls who I was really good friends with. But then I guess we got too old. The people that I think was her parents decided like couldn’t have a boy who was a friend anymore. And I mean, I was heartbroken at the time. I mean, I was
How old was I? don’t know. I was like, beginning of middle school. So what are we like 10 or 11, something like that. And it sucked. was like, suddenly I’d lost these very good friends who I cared about. I cared about, you know, what was in their fridge, what they ate. And, you know, I mean, there was definitely, there was no hanky-panky. We were just learning what all that meant at that age. But I mean, some kids were playing doctor. But, oh.
come on, you can break, Cookie. I’m sorry, Cupcake, wrong pastry. Whoa. And now we’re getting into some fun territory. That sounds like its own call. ⁓
Cupcake (23:14)
I am cream filled and cream covered, thank you very much.
Jon (23:15)
Yeah.
What?
Cupcake (23:25)
this fridge
talk and then that now I’m hungry
Max (23:28)
Yeah, I’ve got, I’ve got drinks, but no, no food. There’s too much sugar and that stuff. but I mean, yeah, I mean, I had a really good friend in high school throughout college. She was great. And then she got married and suddenly I could never hang out with her anymore. And it was like, I mean, yeah. So yeah, they can go the other way too.
Alonzo Banx (23:47)
Max, you came to lot of realizations in your life, as to your sexuality and who you are. How far back? At that point in your life, did you know who you were, or is it something you learned later?
Max (23:57)
Not really. mean, cause for me, was just like, I didn’t see gender and like when people, you know, you’d have that division early on. just, didn’t, I didn’t see it. didn’t care. And I didn’t know why. And I realized now I think it is because I’m very demisexual and it’s about the connection first and the sexual attraction and all that comes later for the most part. I mean, I can still see someone who like, my God, she’s hot.
so like, like that exists too, but for anything long, it you know, it was that, mean, and then in high school, it was just like, it was hard to date. I would get. I, I, know, I would have women who, who would think that I was just being their friend because all along, all I wanted to do was screw them. And I’m like, no, I mean, I met you, like, I didn’t want to screw you till now. Like, so, and I didn’t know what to do with it either because you know, I just.
I know, I just, didn’t deal. I focused on my schoolwork and other parts of my life, which are pretty well developed, which is nice. And so now I feel like as an adult, I’m playing catch up in another area of life.
Cupcake (24:57)
I I don’t know if I’m necessarily on the same wavelength, but I was gonna kind of talk about how I can have a kink relationship in the sense of a scene or impact play, but I still need emotional connection with that person for a trust level. And I wouldn’t just have any person that I have never really had any
conversation with or only had a short conversation with, let me, you know, put me over a bench and, you know, spank me. I still even need an emotional connection for the trust value. And I think that my kink relationships just deepen the more I have that emotional connection because the amount of trust just continues to build with that. I was in a kink relationship with
I guess one of my first or second poly relationship, which I’ve spoken about before, where I had a dominant, but I was not known to any of the other partners. I was a secret. was not allowed to approach him in public, all those things. And I had that emotional connection, but I don’t think that was on the other side because of the lack of respect and things like that. So I don’t know if that kind of,
is on the same plane with everyone else with the, you know, having a sexual relationship or a non-sexual relationship, but I just thought I’d add that.
Alonzo Banx (26:20)
I couldn’t agree with what you’re saying more. As a Dom, I can’t have relationships with anyone that I don’t have at least a base level emotional connection to. I don’t club play. I never have because to me, there’s nothing in that. I have to have that connection to someone at any level of play. go ahead, Noah, please.
Noah (26:41)
I was going to say just that I agree with you and part of that for me is like a safety thing. I need to have an understanding and an agreement with you and know you as a person before I can jump into any sort of BDSM style play especially, whether it could be miscommunications or misunderstandings.
Alonzo Banx (26:57)
Yeah, as time has gone on, I mean, I’ve been in this a long time, the world has changed a lot in the way of play, but even back historically, if I didn’t have a connection with you, we didn’t play, period. And I’ve never been into club play. It’s too impersonal. There’s no connection. Patty, please.
Patty (27:12)
I think I agree with Noah and Cupcake on that. I don’t know if I need to be necessarily emotionally connected with somebody, but I need to have a very big trust level. And typically, I will only allow somebody to do impact if my partners are there or I…
Cupcake (27:29)
you
Patty (27:32)
really trust the person that I’m going with to honor my boundaries, to be able to read my body and all of those things. have bizarrely have felt like Impact Play BDSM is more intimate to me than just swinging because of the amount of trust that I need to place in somebody to keep me safe.
Alonzo Banx (27:55)
extraordinarily and I think you know what I want to bring this up is probably next week’s conversation is what is that line between emotional connection and trust and to me those are synonymous I can’t have one without the other but Max’s eyes just lit up I think we’re gonna come back to that because we have a different question tonight which is is do you have to be kinky to be in poly?
Cupcake (28:10)
you
Alonzo Banx (28:17)
And Noah, you had your hand up and John and yeah, so Noah, please.
Noah (28:21)
I mean, I don’t think the answer is yes. I think ultimately, poly is about love, like we talked about earlier. It’s about connection, it’s about intimacy, and that can show itself in many ways. I do think that a big part of adult loving relationships is play.
Cupcake (28:21)
you
Noah (28:43)
in often the form of sexual intimacy. And while that can have a lot of variations in how that’s expressed, I think being kinky on some level adds extra elements of play. And I think people who are polyamorous do enjoy play with their partners and want to play with their partners.
And I think it adds a lot of flavor. And so you’ll probably find a lot of people who are kinky in the polyamorous world. Now, kinky can be a whole bunch of things. It could be everything from, I wear fuzzy handcuffs to, you know, blood bruises and screaming and tears, right? And there’s a whole lot of gray in the middle there too. And not everything is for everybody. And I think that’s important to know and to understand and to respect in yourself when you’re
engaging in relationships and be able to set boundaries and hopefully discuss them before they come up. But no, I think as a rule kink isn’t required, but you’ll probably find it a lot.
Alonzo Banx (29:40)
I think, know, kink is, like, you said, you know, is my raccoon costume as a furry kinky. I mean, you know, that’s, that’s something that’s an individual determination. Heather, I’m going to give you the last word tonight, so you’re going to get to summarize for us. But before we get there and put Heather on the spot, anyone else have anything to add to this? Did we did we answer the question? Is
Cupcake (30:02)
Are you a dirty
little raccoon?
Jon (30:04)
You
Heather (30:05)
Thank
Patty (30:06)
You
Alonzo Banx (30:07)
Did we answer the question? Is it important to be kinky to be in polyamory? And that was the core question tonight is are the two of those synonymous? John?
Jon (30:20)
So, no, not synonymous for sure, but you said you’re asking if it’s important. I think there is certainly a lot of value to it. just being that kind of open-minded to explore different things and stuff, whatever, I think that that just helps when you have multiple relationships, that you’re able to explore different kinds of sexual relationships with multiple people at the same time.
I think there’s a lot of value to having a kink side, but I don’t think that’s synonymous at all.
Alonzo Banx (30:49)
Someone earlier tonight said, I think that the same types of people, the people that are into one are more likely into the other. John, was that you that said that earlier? ⁓ But I think that comes to play a lot. Cupcake, you wanted to add something before we close out?
Jon (30:59)
I so.
Cupcake (31:06)
Yeah, I mean, I agree. The answer is no, you don’t have to be, but it’s just so much more fun. But yeah, I mean, again, you could have multiple, you know, loving relationships and also have different kink levels in each of those relationships. I would say that, you know, obviously my relationship with Noah is very strong kink based, but maybe my relationship with my husband is more
non 24-7, you know, there might be some in the bedroom, but it’s never been like a 24-7 dynamic. So it really kind of just depends on the person. I may have a relationship down the line that has no kink at all. So do you have to be? No, I don’t think so.
Max (31:48)
I was just going say, think they both break societal taboos. And I think that’s why we see a lot of overlap because someone who’s willing to break society’s taboos does it in more than one way. But you definitely don’t have to.
Alonzo Banx (32:02)
Patty, any last words before we hand it back to Heather?
Patty (32:04)
no, other than I think Max hit the nail on the head with that last comment.
Alonzo Banx (32:09)
Heather, give us a conclusion tonight.
Heather (32:10)
⁓
I think my huge takeaway from show tonight is everyone has their own definition of what something when you’re meeting someone and looking for something I think it’s important to have that conversation with that person and find out what poly means to them or what swinging means to them. And that way, before you enter into the relationship, you have a better idea or the dynamic or whatever you’re looking of how that person views.
that think that’s my huge takeaway from this episode. Find out what how they define things, what love means to them, what a friendship means to them. You don’t assume.
Alonzo Banx (32:50)
Communication. This has been the 19th episode that we’ve had of this. I think this is so cool as we’ve grown and progressed and gotten to all kinds of cool levels. I know, right? we’ve got our 20th that’s coming up next week. We’ve got to figure out what it’s going to be. I think so. Yeah, we got our big party coming up here. Our friend-having party coming up.
Cupcake (32:58)
Look at us, we’re Killing it.
Patty (33:01)
you
Max (33:05)
On the 21st, do we get a bottle of wine?
Cupcake (33:08)
Ooh. That’s when we go real cray.
Jon (33:12)
you
Alonzo Banx (33:15)
Thank you everyone, Heather, Max, Patty, Cupcake, John, Noah. Another great conversation tonight. This has been the Poly SoCal Podcast. Make sure you check out our website, come to some of our events, get to meet us all in person. I am Alonzo Banks. Thank you.