This episode dives into the emotional landscape of aging within polyamorous and kink-friendly relationships. The group explores vulnerability, sexual confidence, physical changes, emotional safety, and the evolving experience of intimacy between partners of different ages. What starts as a discussion about sexual safety expands into honest storytelling about ED, communication, demisexuality, confidence, being seen, and how partners can support each other as their bodies and desires shift over time.
The conversation becomes one of the most open and intimate episodes yet, blending humor, sincerity, real stories, and cross-generational wisdom.
Alonzo Banx (Host), Max, Lana, Blake, Solara, Noah, Heather, Captain Lynn
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks. We have got such a full house tonight. We’ve got Blake, Captain Lin, Solara, Lana, Max, Noah, Heather, and me. Tonight’s kind of an interesting conversation. Something happened in my life about a week and a half ago, and I wanted to bring it up and throw it out onto the choir and listen to what people thought about my reaction to it. But as we get there…
Blake (00:20)
Yeah. Yeah.
Alonzo Banx (00:27)
Hi everybody.
Lana (00:28)
Hello.
CaptainLynn (00:28)
Hey!
Max (00:29)
Good evening.
Alonzo Banx (00:29)
I so
thrilled you’re all here. We just had our friends giving. A couple of people were actually out at the place today and just got back and thanks for being here. So today’s a little bit different. I want to hear your feedback on a reaction that I had. I don’t hide the fact I’m old. I’ve been at this a long time. Recently, my early 60s, I went to a doctor and I got my medical results.
and my T levels, my testosterone levels were really low. And the doctor looked at me and said, do you want to get on some kind of replacement? And I said, not really. I like this me. I like getting older. I like the fact that I don’t have that same drive, that passion. I am less aggressive. I’m making better decisions. I kind of like my life better now.
Solara (00:58)
you
Alonzo Banx (01:19)
not being driven by all the factors that drove me my entire life. And as I’ve said that to people, I’ve had wildly weird reactions. People like, but of course you’re supposed to fight to stay young. I’m like, but I kind of like getting old. I don’t have a problem with this. So I’ve asked y’all to come on here tonight and talk about what do you think about as we age?
Solara (01:20)
you
you
Alonzo Banx (01:43)
in the poly community and Noah you jumped on that quick but let’s go around the room first and say all of our hellos Mr Blake say hi introduce yourself
Blake (01:53)
Good evening. This is Blake and I am Lana’s partner. We’ve been together about three years and we describe ourselves as monogamish.
Alonzo Banx (02:03)
and welcome, welcome again. Captain Lin, not someone we have on here often, always thrilled to have your voice.
CaptainLynn (02:10)
Thank you Alonzo. Yes Captain Lin, I am single, poly dating, I desire to be poly dating, let me say it that way, not currently dating anyone. And really at peace with being on my own and doing a lot of self love. But I’ve really enjoyed these conversations, so thank you for having me.
Alonzo Banx (02:28)
Thanks. And being on your own is not a bad thing. So, Lara, welcome back again. Introduce yourself to those who may not know who you are.
CaptainLynn (02:31)
No, it’s not.
Solara (02:37)
Great. I’m Solara. I am pretty well versed in the Tantra community, Poly community. I’m in between two generations that I’m kind of hanging out with the 30 and 45 and then 65 to mid 70s. I’m primary partnered. I have snuggle partners. have, you know, play partners, maybe without penetration. I’ve got energy partners.
And I’ve never had a better time in my own life sexually. I’m still heading up the bell curve in my age, in mid-60s.
Alonzo Banx (03:05)
Getting older is not a bad thing.
Solara (03:06)
It’s pretty rockin’ it actually, for my life.
Alonzo Banx (03:10)
Missing Anna.
Lana (03:10)
Hello everybody. My name is Lana. I’m Blake’s partner and like our conversations, learning a lot. And I’m learning for from all of you guys how to love myself. And I’m Monagamish.
Alonzo Banx (03:25)
and we love having you on. Max, welcome back.
Lana (03:26)
Thank you.
Max (03:28)
Hello,
thank you. This is Max. I am the single submissive man, very demisexual, a little, what’s one where we like smart people? That too. And I just recently turned 49, been going through some aging stuff myself, so I will definitely have some fun strong opinions on this one.
Alonzo Banx (03:47)
Welcome Mr. Noah.
Noah (03:49)
Yeah, I am Noah. I’m in a poly relationship with Cupcake and Cookie who’ve been on the podcast a few times. I am, as I say, I’ve been 35 for seven years. So as you can tell, I’m in denial my age. Yeah, I think I’ve got a lot to say too because I have been fighting getting older for a while now. And I’m actually kind of excited to talk about it.
Alonzo Banx (04:11)
Welcome. And Miss Heather, welcome back.
Heather Watts (04:14)
Hi, I’m Heather. I’m married to Biebs and dating John and Patty, newly engaged to Patty. And I am 37 and my partner’s, there’s quite an age gap. So my husband is 47, my fiance is 50 and my boyfriend is 55. So.
Alonzo Banx (04:34)
So age is a factor in your dating world or loving world, excuse me. All right, Noah, you had your hand up first. So let’s jump into this.
Heather Watts (04:38)
It is.
Noah (04:43)
Yeah, well you had shared about your testosterone journey there and that was something you had been ⁓ talking to me about a week or two ago, maybe longer. And it actually triggered me to go get some blood work done and get on testosterone. So as you’re denying it, I went the other way and said, no, you know what? I need to be a virile young man and make sure I’m ⁓ laying it down for the ladies.
Yeah, I’m not, ⁓ I’m not ready to get old. I’m trying really hard not to.
Alonzo Banx (05:13)
I can appreciate that because I think when I was in your age bracket, I thought the same way. But as you get older, it’s like, you know, I’m OK this way. Max, you got something to jump in with.
Max (05:23)
Yeah, so both of you, you know, are focusing on testosterone, right? Definitely a hormone we all know about. But I recently went through some medical changes, which a lot of you know, but so I broke my ankle. It was a whole bunch of surgeries, back five in total. I won’t get into the details here, but one of the things I was put on the GLP-1, but what does that do? It regulates a hormone in your body, right? And it has made a big change in my life. I’ve dropped a lot of weight. I feel younger.
I’m healthier. Honestly, I’d be feeling more up and athletic if I hadn’t broken my ankle, but that’s healing really well. So I don’t necessarily know that it’s fighting or accepting our age. think it’s just kind of accepting a balance of our hormones and how they make our body work. And we want it to work in a way that makes us feel like we are our best self. And the age part is kind of relevant. Age is just how long we’ve been here and how experienced we are. Well, how
how many times we’ve been had the opportunity to experience things and either we make it better and we’re climbing that bell curve as one of the ladies said, or we, I don’t know, don’t, which I don’t think is a good option.
Alonzo Banx (06:30)
⁓ I totally agree with what you’re saying, but for me, I think the key isn’t about getting old. It was about having less drive, less aggression, less passion. As someone who lived my life incredibly sexually driven, incredibly passionate, to have that mellowed down kind of felt good.
I don’t know if I need to be that guy. And the external view is, know, people in my life want me to be the same me that I was in my 30s and 40s. And I’m just not. And I don’t care to be.
Solara (06:56)
you
Alonzo Banx (07:05)
Ladies, give me an opinion. Because for you, aging is entirely different than it is for us men. Go ahead, Solara, please.
Solara (07:12)
It definitely is. So for me, I have never been more sexually satisfied, happy. Like I have no idea where I’m going, you know, in terms of where this is going to end up. If there is an end, like I don’t know what it’s like to hit a peak and I don’t know what it’s like to hit a peak.
beyond mid-century here, you know? And that feels pretty extraordinary, actually. And I’m in for the ride.
Alonzo Banx (07:39)
You know, I only know half of this equation. I know for men as we get older, we have ED issues, we have physical issues. You can’t keep bucking like a young bronco when you’re in your 60s. You know, the body just says no. And we work with a lot of partners who want us to because from my experience as women get older, they want more from us.
Blake (07:49)
you
Alonzo Banx (08:04)
that we physically have a hard time
delivering.
Solara (08:07)
So I have younger partners like in their 40s, lower 40s, mid 40s, and then partners in their like 70s. And everyone brings something really unique to the table, including ED issues on both ends. sex is more than that. It’s about connection. It’s about variety. It’s about experience. It’s about the uniqueness, Venn diagram of the two people. I’m really.
Max (08:09)
Thank
Solara (08:32)
good with ED issues. In my experiences with men with ED issues, they may have secret powers because they’ve learned to use other parts of their bodies really well.
Alonzo Banx (08:43)
Heather, see you got your hand up and I really want to hear the younger opinion. Yolana, got you too, but Noah, you were on this first, so Noah, jump in. get moon, get you too.
CaptainLynn (08:48)
And I’ve got one too.
Noah (08:50)
Yeah, no,
I think what Solara says has been very true for what I have witnessed, right? I feel like as I’ve gotten older, the women in my life who’ve typically been closer to my age have, to be crass, only gotten hornier and more energetic for sex and more eager for it, right? As I have found my own desire and needs for it to be going down as time goes on, right?
outside of like new relationship energy, right? And I think that’s part of my insecurity, right? My desire to try to reverse the aging process because as I’m kind of, and it’s, okay, I’ve got multiple thoughts here. I’m gonna try to organize myself a little bit, but it’s kind of this cruel fate where, you know, men and women do age differently, right? There’s this,
this cruel irony of the idea that women become older and less desirable, and men become more desirable as they get older. However, when it comes to the sexual energy, it’s the exact opposite as far as I’ve witnessed. These stereotypes are very interesting from a psychological perspective, and I think they affect
Blake (10:02)
you
Noah (10:06)
both genders and everyone’s relationships in different ways, but in this kind of exciting and depressing all at the same time, right? Which is actually kind of why I like the whole, the polydynamic personally is because, you know, you can tag someone else in or you can, you know, you can say, yeah, sure. Go to their house tonight. That’s going to help me out. I need a day or two to, to recharge, right? ⁓ Where
Solara (10:21)
Mm-hmm.
Max (10:21)
Thank
Alonzo Banx (10:27)
Ha!
Noah (10:29)
I found that as women get older, they’ve manned three, four times a day sometimes, and then they can just kind of keep going and it’s incredible, right? Where I did not experience that when I was younger, it was almost the opposite. So, I don’t know, it’s crazy.
Alonzo Banx (10:43)
I kind of agree. Alana and Cat Mullen, see that you got, but Heather, I want to bring in your younger perspective here. That’s what I wanted you on tonight. You’re looking at this as an outsider, so to speak.
Heather Watts (10:53)
I’ve had a preference for older partners. I don’t think I’ve ever had sex with someone my age or younger. I prefer more experience. They know what they want, they know what they like and don’t like. So that’s put me in a position where I’ve had to have personal experience with men with ED issues and a wide range of different types of issues. And I think as a woman,
Blake (11:01)
you
Heather Watts (11:17)
Just be patient. Don’t blame it on yourself either. It’s never your fault. Because I’ve had younger women
Solara (11:21)
Yeah.
Heather Watts (11:23)
come up to me in
a club and be like, ⁓ his cock didn’t work and he was limp the whole time. And what if he thinks I’m not attractive and or whatever? And I’m like, it probably has nothing to do with you. It’s probably the space that they’re in. Whatever is going on in their heads or.
Solara (11:34)
Mm-hmm.
Heather Watts (11:38)
you know, maybe ED issues. And if that’s the case, I’ve always found slowing things down and taking some steps back and not focusing on it. So men, like Solara said, if they’re skilled in other areas, you know, they use their hands, use their mouth, keep the party going without hyper focusing on the party.
Alonzo Banx (11:58)
who else said, Max, I see you, but I want to get to Lana and Captain Lin. Lana.
Max (11:59)
Thank
Solara (11:59)
Thank
Lana (12:02)
So I could not not agree with Heather and Salera. Everybody is individual. Some guys are taking testosterone shots and they feel good and young and they’re performing. Other guys not choosing not and they’re using different ways to please their partners. for me, I personally decide for myself, for anybody who are
Solara (12:04)
you
Blake (12:05)
.
Solara (12:17)
you you
Blake (12:28)
you
Lana (12:29)
playing with me in the relationship with me. ⁓ I don’t want my partners to feel performance anxiety. I am against any anxieties and if I can just be safe and my partner is safe and we can negotiate what is the best way to play, it’s always success. And I’m open to try new stuff. So between variety,
Blake (12:31)
you
Lana (12:56)
novelty, expansion.
It’s always win-win situation. it’s what I want to just convey to you. Thank you.
Blake (13:03)
.
Alonzo Banx (13:06)
I think it’s important. think understanding and finding that connection point is always the way to get a good relationship. Captain Lin hasn’t heard from you yet.
CaptainLynn (13:15)
Yeah, and I really have two different points. want to two different topics that I want to speak to. So first, having been with partners as they were kind of discovering ED, like in noticing that they were uncomfortable with that, like they were hiding it. And I myself had to get over the fact that, hey, their erection does not mean they don’t desire me. So finding ways over time, I found ways to just enjoy a flaccid penis.
Like what fun it is to be able to take an entire penis and balls in my mouth because it’s flaccid and then maybe it grows in my mouth and maybe it doesn’t. But I just get so much joy out of that. you know, finding that that joy and whatever it is, is really the place to make our partners comfortable with whatever’s coming up for them medically. So I wanted to share that. On my end, I went through menopause kind of with COVID. And so with
Solara (13:42)
you
Lana (13:45)
you
CaptainLynn (14:09)
COVID, I ended up like really being without partners. And now I’m still finding myself for the most part without partners. And then at the occasional time I get to have ⁓
Solara (14:19)
you
CaptainLynn (14:20)
vaginal sex, I’ve got a lot of pain. And that has been hard for me to deal with. And I’m learning that it’s because as my estrogen levels have dropped, the vaginal tissues are getting really tender.
and I’m not using it. I think you use it or lose it is so true. So, like any tissue you need to if they get kind of regularly touched and moved upon, they stay more robust. And I have struggled with a particular partner that just wants to jump on and get going. And I’m like, man, they’ve got a slow way down now. So those conversations, I’ve had to navigate that.
Max (14:36)
Yes, yes, yes.
Solara (14:43)
Thank
CaptainLynn (14:58)
It isn’t always easy emotionally, to be honest with you. I haven’t always found it easy emotionally. Definitely requiring me to speak up for what I need. And ⁓ when I’m struggling with a partner that’s not hearing that, actually needing to release them, because I got to take care of me and be able to be present. Yeah. And it’s definitely impacted my libido too. There’s a part of me in my heart that’s like you’re saying,
I want you to be like, I’m not really missing it, which is interesting. Because I really fucking love sex in my 40s. I really enjoy sex and I enjoy connecting with people. And yet I’m not driven towards it anymore.
It’s more like a conscious choice that I know that being sexually active is going to be part of my vitality portfolio or program or whatever you want to call it. So that’s, you know, I might have more thoughts as other people share, but I wanted to give that that other perspective that as we age and we go through menopause, things can come up that really do affect our sex drive and how things work for us women as well.
Alonzo Banx (16:05)
Thank you for that. Again, the thing for me is I find that the less I desire raw sex, the more I desire connection and intimacy, the more that I find that I’m so much happier just hugging and cuddling.
CaptainLynn (16:14)
Mm.
Solara (16:14)
Hmm.
Lana (16:14)
Thank
Alonzo Banx (16:18)
which is something the 40 year old me never understood. The 40 year old me is like, warm body next to me. Gotta do my thing. Now the 60 year old me is like, no, I just want to hold you for a while. And I like that. I don’t need more Max. No, I see you Heather, hands up. But Blake, you’re not getting out of this conversation without adding something. So jump in.
Solara (16:36)
you
Blake (16:41)
Well, I have a variety of thoughts about different aspects of this. One is that for years I’ve had doctors who actually refused to test my testosterone because they felt that testosterone was being abused and so they wouldn’t even test me for it. So I actually need to get on that and get some testing done. I know of ⁓ one man in my life who was on testosterone and found that unfortunately it was causing
bigger medical problems to be on it than to be off of it. And as soon as he got off the testosterone, he had major changes in his virility and in all kinds of ways. And so I think that one of the things that comes to my mind a lot is that I’m ⁓ eight years older than Lana. And so there’s this age difference in our relationship.
that I think, okay, when she’s my age, I’ll be what, 72. And so, what happens then? And I find myself thinking, well, it’s a lucky thing that we’re poly because she can have all her boyfriends and we can still have a relationship. that’s one of the things that’s in my mind as I think about aging as something that’s ongoing.
I think being aware of, you know, I need more sleep than Lana does. that’s just a reality. I’m going to be, you know, sleeping after she’s up and, you know, doing her Pilates or whatever. you know, guess I’m just aware of those kinds of differences. When, with regard to ED, when we first met, I said to Lana ⁓ that sometimes spirit rises and sometimes spirit doesn’t.
Max (18:07)
Thank
Solara (18:15)
you
Blake (18:20)
And we haven’t really had any problem in that area because, you know, when it rises, great, we enjoy that. And when it doesn’t, we enjoy everything else. And there’s so much to enjoy. think one of the things I really love about getting into Tantra is looking at the there’s such a spiritual depth to what we do. And there’s so much energetically and there’s so much to do with stillness. I mean, it’s amazing.
Solara (18:38)
Okay.
Blake (18:48)
the responsiveness
that a woman can feel when you are just still with her. And to be able to feel a woman’s heartbeat in her private spot is really beautiful. And so I can’t rate that highly enough. So that’s kind of where I’m at with it.
Solara (18:54)
I.
Alonzo Banx (19:06)
And in going with that, think as your testosterone level drops as a man, you become more receptive to being able to understand that. You don’t feel that raging bull kind of thing where you can’t stop long enough to smell the flowers, so to speak. And Heather, Noah, Max, I see you all, but I’m go across my screen. Max, you have something to add.
Max (19:29)
All right, I forgot. No, I’m just kidding. I did not forget. So one thing for me, like we’re focusing, I think with the like that more testosterone means more virility and I don’t think it’s always linear. I know, know, especially for me, like, and we’re talking like, ⁓ if things are physical, well, I’m, I’m very, I forget the term for it, but audio like
CaptainLynn (19:33)
you
Max (19:51)
Like I’ve, mean, I’ve done, you know, a big kink of minus is hypno kink. And I’ve, I’ve had a hands-free orgasm where I hit the ceiling with my release and you’re like, dang. And then lately, and then, you know, I was with someone and she was almost, cause I mean, I went through all this medical stuff lately and I was wondering too, maybe that’s affecting performance. then.
Blake (20:01)
.
Max (20:14)
I was with a Dom recently and you know, she was teasing, which was great. I was tied up. It was awesome. But then I was re I was getting more aroused, not so much from what she was doing physically, but when she would talk in those certain ways and the tones and those things that really connect with me and my arousal system, which had nothing to do with being touched or how it was being touched. And so it’s not always physical. Sometimes it’s audio. Sometimes it’s the intelligence of what they’re saying.
or the possibilities, or there’s all these other things that go into our arousal that have nothing to do with physical, but then have a physical result. And I think sometimes we forget about that. And as we age, those things change because what we want changes where we are in life changes, how we look at things changes. So it’s like, it’s innate that it’s going to be different how we, how we like and want things later in life, how we want things earlier in life.
Blake (21:02)
. you
Max (21:06)
I’m more understanding of my own needs so it’s easier to communicate them, so it’s easier to get them, so it’s easier to, you know, have a good time.
Alonzo Banx (21:16)
Well said. So I see you have something, but Noah and Heather had their hands up first. So give me a minute. Noah, jump on.
Noah (21:24)
Yeah. So, you know,
I’ve noticed things as I’ve gotten older, especially sexually, you know, first of all, I’m on Cialis. I need to be. It’s the only way that I can perform regularly. Right. And the other thing I’ve noticed that has been more frustrating than it sounds is I take forever to orgasm if I can at all. Right. Where when I was younger, that was never the case.
When I was younger, it was always the opposite. Oh God, please last longer, right? I’m chewing all the tricks, biting my tongue, thinking about my grandmother, whatever it takes to not do. And now it’s everything I can do to try to hurry things up. These poor women, they’re just going through the most boring escapade of 45 minutes of me just trying to come and it doesn’t happen and then, well, sorry.
CaptainLynn (21:54)
you
Lana (21:57)
you
Max (22:00)
Baseball, it’s baseball.
Solara (22:00)
you
Heather Watts (22:15)
you
Noah (22:16)
But that all being said, I have noticed some great things more psychologically about becoming older, right? There’s being self-actualized. I know myself better than I ever have in my whole life. I’m more confident in myself than I ever have in my whole life. I speak to men and women, especially women who are
in the same boat and you can be way more honest at this age and older, right, than we ever could be when we were younger, right? The insecurities are gone. The bullshit has been removed, right? I like this, you like that. We can find some middle ground or whatever. If you want this, you need to go to that person and go do that, whatever, right? But…
Blake (22:50)
you
Noah (23:03)
It has been so freeing and so amazing to be able to just get to the heart of things and to connect so much quicker and to be able to just be more open and honest with other people my age and older than I ever could when I was younger. And it’s probably been one of the greatest things about aging, I think, is the ability to connect and just cut to the heart of things.
I know, I just wanted to say that it’s not all bad, it’s not all struggle, right? There’s amazing parts of this too.
Alonzo Banx (23:32)
I totally agree. I like I said, I like where I’m at. I enjoy this version of me. And yeah, the other part of you are tag team someone in the great part about being Polly is, you know, if I can’t be the raging bull, hang on, let me wing man for you and find someone. I’m good with that. Heather, you had your hand up.
Blake (23:40)
Okay. Okay.
CaptainLynn (23:48)
You
Heather Watts (23:51)
I forget who said it, but somebody said like age doesn’t matter, you know, to an extent. think Solara maybe said something about age and
how it doesn’t, you know, at a certain point it doesn’t matter. And I feel like sometimes I’m older than John, who’s significantly, there’s an age gap there because I like to go to bed early. I get my 12 hours of sleep and…
My sex drive is significantly lower than his. mean bro can have sex two or three times a day lasting hours like holy shit goddamn So when some people were like, we’re fine with cuddles That’s not John at all like wow So sometimes I feel like the older one when I’m when I’m not And I just
Solara (24:18)
Thank
Heather Watts (24:39)
I don’t know. I’m always the younger one. I’ve had a, I like Noah was saying, being with someone older, they know what they want. They know what they don’t like. And there’s something extremely attractive about that. So if you find a new partner who has an age gap, see that as a positive thing. It is a really good thing. Sometimes, they know what they like and don’t like. They’ve been around. They, you know, they’ve experienced it.
Alonzo Banx (25:05)
Well, I’ve always been of the belief that the single sexiest thing any human can have is confidence. If you’re confident in who you are, there is nothing in this world sexier. Max, you got your hand up a catmullion, you’re not talking enough and I see all kinds of smiles on your face, so… ⁓
Max (25:21)
Yeah, it’s just a quick one.
guess, I mean, like when you have the age gap too with someone younger, maybe they haven’t experienced things and you can show them things. You can show them what you like. You can introduce them to things, which I mean, we do it in other parts of our lives all the time and people don’t think anything of it, but we can do it with sex. We can do it with intimacy. We can do it with those things and it can be fun. mean, I think that’s another wonderful thing about poly, about being open is it’s like, let’s partner up for a little while.
I will show you a world that you didn’t know to make you enjoy this part of your world more and then I will set you loose and you will be improved. And I will have done my good deed for the day.
Heather Watts (25:56)
I completely agree with you, Max.
110%.
Max (26:00)
Awesome.
Alonzo Banx (26:00)
Captain Lin, what are you thinking at this point?
CaptainLynn (26:02)
thinking I need a lineup of young men showing up to my house so I can train them.
Blake (26:06)
You You
Lana (26:06)
Hahahaha!
Max (26:08)
Us submissive men, we love being trained.
Lana (26:11)
Hahaha!
Noah (26:11)
Ha ha ha
Solara (26:12)
Thank
Noah (26:12)
ha ha ha.
Lana (26:13)
Thank
CaptainLynn (26:13)
Eww.
Alonzo Banx (26:14)
Zahara, you’re being quiet. What do you think?
Solara (26:16)
You know, to me it’s about meeting people where they are. It’s about presence. It’s about like a man’s erection is in some ways none of my business. You know, it’s like if you’re present and you care about each other and you’re working together, you know, I’m demisexual, sapiosexual. As far as I know, the nerve endings in a flaccid penis are the same as in an erect penis. There’s just as many.
Alonzo Banx (26:41)
As a man, I can
tell you I agree.
Blake (26:43)
you
Solara (26:43)
still like,
know, right, exactly. So variety, connection, you know, are we here to enjoy each other’s and are we working together? mean, do we have expectations? Are we just being with what is? And that’s the secret to my happiness.
Max (26:45)
We have nerve endings and fun things in other places.
Alonzo Banx (26:48)
you
Lana?
Lana (27:02)
For me, safety is a big deal too. If I’m safe, if I’m feeling good, I can just create a fairy tale and be able to ask for what I want and create some cool stuff. Connection matters, communication. I’m demisexual too. a lot of things and I always see in each person, individuals,
We are all unique people and the combination of partnership, it’s creating something sweet and yummy and it’s beautiful. And let’s, let’s co-create more.
Solara (27:30)
you
Mm-hmm.
Alonzo Banx (27:42)
Blake, any thoughts before I ask the question for the night?
Blake (27:46)
Yeah, just wanted to add on to what Lana had mentioned that in terms of.
Solara (27:47)
Okay.
Blake (27:51)
being able to speak up for what you want. I think that’s something that, you know, she’s been able to learn from me that I’ve been more able to speak
up for what I want. And so it’s been a benefit for her. Yeah, that’s just a small comment.
Lana (28:07)
and I’m student of Captain Lynn School. Just sign me in.
Alonzo Banx (28:12)
You
Solara (28:14)
Okay.
CaptainLynn (28:14)
Alright, we can have two lines, write them up.
Lana (28:19)
Yeah, sure.
Alonzo Banx (28:21)
But ladies, in keeping with that though, what you’re saying is that that young testosterone, that you want that part from men, which as a man puts us in a position of, oh, well, then I’m coming up short because I can’t be in that line. Go ahead, Solari, you had a retort to that.
Solara (28:40)
Yeah, I don’t believe that. I I’m having an extraordinary experiences. So what I’ve told younger men is if you allow me to come toward you, my sexuality will build and build and build. And I’d like you to imagine the water behind the dam until it blows and then all bets are off.
then I’m like totally free sexually. So I’m really enjoying, you know, let’s say men, if you consider less testosterone, you know, I enjoy it all, but there’s a benefit to everything, a benefit to all of it.
Alonzo Banx (29:17)
I agree. So go ahead, Captain Lin.
CaptainLynn (29:19)
Well, it’s interesting that you took Lark’s teasing about lining up the young men to train him like somebody made the comment, but
Alonzo Banx (29:25)
Well, hang on, hang on. I’m going
to cut you off. Because if I turned around on this podcast and I said, all I want you to do is line up the young women for me. That all I want is I want a line of young women waiting outside my door and all I want is young women waiting for me. Wow, that would be such a wrong thing for me to say. And I guarantee I would get hate mail for weeks on the podcast if I even had the audacity to say that.
CaptainLynn (29:41)
Yeah.
Alonzo Banx (29:50)
but we live in a society where it’s okay for women to say, want a line of young men outside my door. So I’m not putting you down, I’m talking about the reaction that the world has had to me saying, but I’m happy being less driven and less sexual. And the reaction surprised me, including medical professionals who are like, well, why not?
CaptainLynn (29:55)
Actually, I went.
Alonzo Banx (30:14)
Because I’m happy this way. So I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m commenting on the societal response to us getting old as men. Noah?
Noah (30:27)
Yeah, no, I think you’re hitting on something that’s important. I think there’s
Blake (30:31)
.
Noah (30:32)
logical reasons behind it, right? First of all, women are typically in their day-to-day lives in a position of less power, right? And so it is, there’s not that stereotype of someone in power abusing their position.
for that kind of situation, right? It’s the opposite. And we can discuss whether that’s right or wrong. But I think that’s kind of why we accept it more. But you raise a good point about you talking about not going on testosterone and having that whole, like you’re being put out to pasture almost. Is that idea of, okay, well, the stud’s done, right? Now it’s just time for to eat his hay and hang out in the field and.
wait until it’s time to die. And I think that’s kind of the, right? Exactly. Exactly. Right. And I do think that there is that expectation of men to always come ready all the time, every time. And I, you know, what I’ve been hearing from the women in this podcast at least is at least they have more understanding.
CaptainLynn (31:13)
Somebody comes and pets him occasionally.
Blake (31:14)
Okay.
Noah (31:33)
they have more grace and more ability to love on a deeper level that isn’t just pure coming with a heart on and rock my world. Right. And I think that’s beautiful and something that we should talk more about, not just here, but in the world in general. Right. I think more love and acceptance for everybody is always the best course of action.
Solara (31:35)
you
Noah (31:54)
But that is a real fear for men, especially, right? There is this constant need, and it starts from a young age, of needing to be ready to perform, whether it’s in school or work or in relationships or sexually, monetarily, whatever it is, you always need to be in charge and ready to go. And to have the women in our lives
Lana (32:00)
Hmm.
Noah (32:17)
give us a safe space, right? I think is incredibly important.
Alonzo Banx (32:22)
you’re right. And, you know, to be very clear, Solara and Captain Lynn and Alana are women that I know very personally in my personal life and are all absolutely amazing women, which is why I’ve asked them to be on this podcast tonight. you had something you wanted to say and then ladies, I’m going to give you a chance to come back. know, Heather, you got something to do. It’s quite the lively conversation tonight. So, Max, jump in, please.
Max (32:43)
It is. mean, first off, society is stupid. So, so like, I mean, I
Solara (32:44)
you
Lana (32:46)
No!
Alonzo Banx (32:47)
given.
Blake (32:48)
But.
Max (32:50)
don’t necessarily care what they think. But I think, I mean, both inversions of the age gap have their pluses, have their pluses and their minuses, right? So an older man with a younger woman, it can be really good for her just as it can be good for him. Maybe he you know, he’s not being the he’s not the young stud anymore, but he’s giving her and showing her something else that maybe she shouldn’t just expect the young
expect all men to always be the young stud. And in the inversion, you know, where you have the young man and the older woman, he’s learning that, maybe it isn’t always the best when I just come in and get it done and be done. They’re showing him there’s other things, other ways, and tasting a bit of each. So then we’re all happier when, hey, maybe today I’m feeling very horny and very excited, or there are things going on between us that
We both have high arousal. So yeah, we get super physical, super quick and other days where we don’t, and we’re meeting all of our needs because it’s more than just, I mean, sex is more than just physical, right? There’s the intimacy connection. Solara talked a lot about all those different things and we use different words to describe them, but you know, they’re all important. And I think it’s, it’s good to have a bunch of young men lined up in an older ladies door. And I think vice versa can be well, it can be good as well.
Solara (33:47)
Mm-hmm.
Max (34:02)
As long as we have good solid sense, and yeah, good times.
Solara (34:02)
Mm-hmm.
Alonzo Banx (34:07)
Heather, you have something you to add? I see you. I’m to give everyone a chance. But Captain, or Heather, you were up next.
Blake (34:12)
.
Heather Watts (34:12)
just wanted to touch base on learning something from someone who’s older. I would say if you’re younger listening to the podcast and you’ve never, and you’ve said something along the lines, they’re like significantly older than me. That’s not for me. How do you know? How do you know that’s not for you? Right? And try it. Okay. I have been surprised significantly a lot by John and what he has brought into the bedroom.
Solara (34:35)
you
Heather Watts (34:39)
that I’ve been, I’ve called girlfriends afterwards. I was like, ⁓ my God, you’ll never believe what he did. Like he, this man has legit set up a dining room table in a BDSM kink sex club and put me on the dining room table and ate me out for an hour. I was his dinner. He’s
Lana (34:45)
you
Max (34:46)
You
CaptainLynn (34:47)
you
Blake (34:55)
Okay.
Heather Watts (35:01)
like, we’re going to dinner, but I’m eating. And I was like, what do mean?
Goddamn, I was not prepared for that at all. I have never done that experience that in my entire life and afterwards like and we did have sex afterwards But that didn’t even need to happen for me like that experience alone was like wow that was I’m gonna say magical And then I also I also wanted that was just one of the several times that it’s been like
Blake (35:10)
Thank
you .
Max (35:23)
You’re having sex on the table.
Alonzo Banx (35:24)
Thank
Noah (35:27)
I’m
Heather Watts (35:32)
Holy shit, wow, he’s so creative in the bedroom. The other thing is, I’m a pleasure top for a male sub and we had a play date organized and
he’s younger than me. ⁓ And he said, you know what, I’m just having some ED issues today and I don’t think he’s gonna work for me. And I said, you know what, just don’t come over. We’ll hang out and see where things go. And I…
Blake (35:43)
you you
Heather Watts (35:57)
started with a massage, a full body massage. I said, listen, this massage is just for you. Whether we have sex today
or not, that doesn’t matter to me. We did end up having sex. But what I guess I’m trying to say is that the man doesn’t always have to show up for the woman cock ready, ready to fuck. Women can show up for men too and take things slow.
Solara (36:10)
Okay.
Heather Watts (36:21)
really take charge of the situation.
Alonzo Banx (36:23)
I’m go around the room one more time as we come to an end. Max, I’m putting you on the spot. You’re going to get to summarize tonight, so you’re going to go last. But as we do that, some last thoughts here as we go around. So Lara, what do you think of tonight’s conversation?
Solara (36:36)
I think it was enlightening. appreciate the variety. I really appreciate coming, I guess being heard in terms of presence, variety, connection. You know, it is glorious to show up and you don’t make anybody wrong. That just adds so much to the quality of our lives in and out of the bed.
And I love the variety of what everyone here had to say and to share and to hear the authenticity and vulnerability and suggestions.
Alonzo Banx (37:04)
Yeah, you know what? am so proud that tonight’s our 22nd episode 22 weeks now every Sunday night and the authenticity The openness that people have shown on this podcast has blown me away It has exceeded anything I ever thought it Blake
Blake (37:19)
I would say it’s really important to keep learning, keep growing. There’s always more to find out. Lana and I do a lot of reading together. We love to study. We have three books on our nightstand right now that are all about sex, different aspects of sex. So we’re always learning new things. And when we run across things online that are interesting, we’ll send them to each other in emails and then
on evenings when we’re apart, we’ll talk on the phone and read the emails that we’ve sent to each other with things to study and to peruse. you know, we talk about committing to thriving. And for us, that’s always been about learning new stuff, just keeping that new. There’s always something new to try. And so we’re always pushing that envelope.
Alonzo Banx (38:06)
and you
CaptainLynn (38:07)
Well, I was going to ask another question, but I’m realizing you’re wrapping things up, so I won’t. I won’t start there. Well, it’s it’s.
Alonzo Banx (38:13)
Go ahead if it’s a good one. can we try to limit to
about 45 minutes and that’s about where we’re at. So but put it out there.
CaptainLynn (38:18)
Right.
Well, what really came up for me when you were talking about, you know, not being the virile young man in line and like, and maybe not having as much desire, I’ve come across men that I’m definitely experiencing that like they’re not showing up in their own sexual body and confidence, like they want to connect. You know, what’s what’s something that us women could potentially do to
to aid that along and is there a desire for that? I don’t know what I’m trying to get at here. I’m really, that’s a curiosity about how to bridge that when I observe it in another that they might be struggling with things that are coming up due to aging and how do we keep it alive?
Blake (38:57)
Okay.
Solara (38:53)
you
Alonzo Banx (39:05)
You know, let’s extend a little bit because I want to answer that and I can answer that for myself.
Solara (39:08)
you
Alonzo Banx (39:11)
I don’t think there is much that could be done to make me back to the animal, and that’s what I’ll use the term as, that I was. Because it’s not a desire in me anymore as my body changes.
I want to cuddle now, I want to feel, I want to connect, I want to hold. I am not that animalistic self I was. And that’s what I enjoy. So to ask me, how do you make me back to that? My answer that’s not… Okay, but was, then phrase it, please ask again, I mis-underheard you.
Blake (39:26)
you Okay.
CaptainLynn (39:41)
That wasn’t my question. But okay.
Max (39:44)
Yeah.
CaptainLynn (39:47)
It’s more
like how I’ve observed some men in my life that they are just stepping away from connecting.
Alonzo Banx (39:55)
Mm.
CaptainLynn (39:57)
And what’s something that might help invite the man then like, I recognize there could be medical issues going on. There could be all kinds of things that go on as we age. What’s a way to bring them back into the offering of connecting again?
Blake (39:58)
Okay. Okay.
CaptainLynn (40:13)
Maybe it’s just that, it’s being authentic, but that’s really what I was getting to.
Alonzo Banx (40:16)
Hang
on, I think I did misunderstand you because for me, I’m not stepping back. I’m changing what I want to feel. I want to connect. I want to feel. So I can’t answer your question, see if any of the other men on the call can, because that’s not something I experience. Gentlemen, anyone have a come back there for Catmulling?
Solara (40:22)
Thank you.
Max (40:35)
So I know I’m supposed to go last on the summary, but I’ll jump in now because I think we’ve all just described, you know, mean, aging. we think of our long life and the journey that we’ve taken and the path that we’ve taken and there are other paths. And some of these men, I think, especially younger men think there is the one way to have sex and they don’t realize that there are other avenues. I mean, for me, you know, talking dirty on the phone, you know, it can be a lot more arousing than getting a hand job.
that you know, then then these these physical things that we’re used to, or that society tells us, you know, that that is sex. mean, to me, you know, john having Heather for dinner, that was sex. I mean, people are like, well, but you know, I mean, like, I’ve, like, I do things backwards. I got I got high on marijuana before I ever got drunk on alcohol. I
Solara (41:14)
Mm-hmm.
Max (41:27)
got pegged before I ever ⁓ inserted in someone else. So which is backwards for a man, right? But so what, you you take your weird journey, you, find your direction where it is. And so showing other people other paths, you know, they’re like, I thought to get to the top of the mountain, you just went up this main trail and you’re like, yeah, but there’s also this side trail and you can climb up this rock face or you can take a helicopter. You know, you got choices.
Lana (41:47)
you
CaptainLynn (41:52)
You
Alonzo Banx (41:52)
So, you’re looking to say something, please.
Solara (41:55)
I sure am. So there are two parts to this question. One is physiological and the other is psychological. So the psychological, I think it’s very difficult for men coming into a room with worry and concern. And as a woman, like for me, if I can leave a man better off, more comfortable, more connected, you know, without judgment, then if the psychological goes away,
than the physiological, I’ve never seen it not show up in a different manner. I’ve never left a man, I’ve always left a man, an older man or a man with ED at the end of the relationship way better off than when we started with more performance, more comfort, more, and it’s really about what we can do is handle the psychological and really.
meet them where they are and let them know that they’re loved and cared for exactly where they’re at at that moment.
Alonzo Banx (42:47)
Katalin, I want to make sure, and especially because I misinterpreted your first question, does that give even a slight answer to your…
CaptainLynn (42:54)
Yeah, yeah it does and Solera has actually spoken exactly to how I handle it as well like when I’m somewhere where people were I’ve got an engagement with men that have some interest but I’m feeling and sensing that resistance in them. The way Solera has spoken to it is how I’ve been with them. I just wanted to put it out there in this podcast because it was you know it’s another element to this whole conversation. So wait we got there.
Blake (42:58)
you
Alonzo Banx (43:17)
clearly this is a conversation. We could
go on for a couple of hours on this conversation. Lana, what are your thoughts for tonight?
CaptainLynn (43:22)
Yeah. Yeah.
Lana (43:26)
I enjoyed our conversation so much and I could not agree more. Confidence is sexy and learning more stuff. It’s make and trying more stuff and just the decide for partners. What is the best for us? It’s cool.
Blake (43:29)
Okay. Okay.
Solara (43:42)
Okay.
Lana (43:46)
And
What I learned in our relationship with Blake, we are evolving, we are changing. Who we were two years ago, we are absolutely different couple. And yes, we…
Solara (43:52)
Okay.
Lana (44:00)
commit to driving and it’s my
goal and it’s our goal and driving for me is that flame. When NRA new relationship energy has flame, I want this old relationship energy to have this flame. Thank you.
Blake (44:09)
.
Alonzo Banx (44:17)
I think that’s a topic for a great conversation. It’s how do you turn NRE into ORE? Old Relationship Energy, I love that title. Heather, please, last thoughts for tonight.
Heather Watts (44:27)
say don’t judge a person on their age whether they’re young old don’t say I that’s too older that’s too young for me depending on the situation just get to know the person before you judge them on their age
Alonzo Banx (44:40)
I agree. Noah, last thoughts?
Noah (44:43)
Yeah, I just want to say that I really have enjoyed this whole conversation and actually hearing from the women in this group has actually kind of filled me with a lot of hope as I get older, you know? I feel that there’s so much more to relationships than just
sex and I’m not saying anything groundbreaking when I say that but I think we forget about that especially when we’re younger and to know as we get older that we can find more love and peace and Alonzo you’re on this journey of kind of moving more towards a gentler you which I think is actually beautiful. I hope that it’s
less of you saying you’re giving up on something and more of you saying you’re entering a new phase and excited for it. ⁓
Alonzo Banx (45:31)
I enjoy
where I’m going. Thank you for saying that. I like where I’m going. That’s my point, is that I like this.
Noah (45:35)
Beautiful
Yeah, and that and that’s what I want right and I and I hope someday that I feel the same I think I’m still gonna keep dying my beard and taking Cialis and going on testosterone and Yeah, I’ve earned all mine too and I hate it But I but I’m gonna have to accept it
Blake (45:39)
you you
Lana (45:45)
you
Alonzo Banx (45:46)
I earned this white dude, every one of these there. I earned this bald head.
Max (45:56)
I look at it, I got the bald head from
Solara (45:57)
Okay.
Max (45:58)
my father and ⁓ I’m just going to start shaving the beard.
Alonzo Banx (46:01)
I worked for this years.
Noah (46:05)
But I
do think that aging in so many ways is a beautiful thing and we’re lucky to be able to do it. Not everyone gets to. And I think that there is a certain amount of appreciation that goes there and the wisdom and love that we can share throughout all these extra years that we get is a beautiful thing.
Solara (46:14)
Mm. ⁓
Alonzo Banx (46:23)
Thank you. Max, take us out tonight. What are the closing thoughts for the evening?
Max (46:28)
I thought I kind of did, but so I’ll rephrase. ⁓ You know, aging is a journey. I do like what Noah said. We are lucky to age. I think when we were talking as everyone was getting here, I mentioned them like aging sucks, don’t do it. But sadly, the one, or at least we don’t really know because no one comes back and tells us. And the stories when they do are all a little suspect.
Blake (46:31)
. .
Solara (46:44)
you
Max (46:52)
So yeah,
let’s just let’s keep climbing this mountain of life. Let’s figure out the different ways to climb it. And, ⁓ you know, as we always do, communication is great. can communicate across the ages. I mean, I have friends socially who are younger and I enjoy that because they still go out and do stuff. Whereas a lot of my friends, my age, I’m the exception. Like they all have, you know, kids and families and they get sucked into that. So having friends and having sexual partners of different ages is all sorts of benefits.
Blake (46:57)
.
Max (47:21)
And I think a lot of people have made a lot of comments to that and looking at things in different ways, physically, emotionally. For me, ⁓ audio is just as important as visual and touch as well. So sometimes there’s two things, three things. I always think there’s at least three sides to every story. We’ve given you a lot of single perspectives and I’m sure everyone listening has theirs.
And maybe you’re having a discussion with your partner or perspective partners or your friends about what we talked about. And I’d say do that. You’ll find out interesting things from the people you know.
Alonzo Banx (47:58)
So are Blake, Captain Lin, Lana, Max, Noah, Heather. What an awesome night tonight. This is the longest conversation we’ve had. Their 22nd episode. And my God, I think everyone we do gets better and better. I am so thrilled to be able to hold these with you every week. I am Alonzo Banks. This has been the PolysoCal podcast. Thank you everyone for listening. Follow us, join us at our events and we’ll see you all again next week.
Solara (48:05)
Mm.
Hmm.
CaptainLynn (48:24)
Bye.