In this heartfelt roundtable, the PolySoCal crew opens up about belonging, rejection, and what it truly means to feel part of a community. Hosted by Alonzo Banx with guests Lana, Noah, Ash, Sy, and Cupcake, this episode dives into the emotional undercurrents of inclusion — when we feel invited, when we don’t, and how our own perceptions shape that sense of belonging. The group explores how trust, self-worth, and proactive care from community leaders can make all the difference between isolation and connection.
Alonzo Banx, Lana, Noah, Ash, Sy, Cupcake
Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome back everyone to the Polysocal podcast. I am as always Alonzo Banks and tonight we have Lana, Noah, Ash, Sy, Cupcake and me in the house. We’re be talking about what makes someone feel truly part of the community. So with that said, hi everybody.
Cupcake (00:18)
Hello
Lana (00:18)
Hello?
Ash (00:19)
Hello, hello.
Psi (00:19)
Bye.
Alonzo Banx (00:20)
Welcome, welcome. So tonight’s question is what makes someone feel part of the community and not just being present? And for me, this comes up from something that’s happened recently. As we get older and we start running communities, people tend to forget to invite us to events. They start thinking that we’re the ones that are always doing everything. And as Sai will tell you, I frequently feel like I am…
isolated from my own community. So that comes out really clear with what does it take to make you feel connected? And at what point are you just feeling like you’re along for the ride or you’re really part of a community which I think we’ve grown pretty well here? Does that resonate with anyone so far?
Lana (01:03)
Sure.
Psi (01:03)
Yes.
Alonzo Banx (01:04)
Who wants to pick it up?
Psi (01:05)
can go ⁓ this side. So there’s a few ways of looking at that. First of all, in general, what makes me feel part of the community? Because I belong to various communities, the communities of women’s groups and communities that are more sensual based and connection based. And I think that what helps me to feel part of the community, first of all, is attending. And it’s not only attending.
Alonzo Banx (01:06)
Go ahead, sign please.
Psi (01:29)
and attending events and getting to know people, but it’s participating, not just being there, but really being in participation, whether it be in a discussion like this, or whether it be helping out in the organization, know, and planning events or, you know, just getting involved. So that’s definitely for me one aspect of feeling part of a community is my
depth of involvement.
Alonzo Banx (01:58)
So you’re saying that for you to feel part of the community, your proactive actions, your being part, your taking part in some of the activity is what makes you feel that you’re connected.
Psi (02:03)
Yes.
Yes, that’s one aspect.
Alonzo Banx (02:10)
Anyone agree?
Anyone?
Ash (02:13)
This is Ash and I definitely agree with Sia. I feel like being proactive about it is super helpful, but it’s not always easy for people who are a little bit shy or more timid, you know, and there’s also the thing like no matter what sort of event you go to, people have cliques. So there’s groups of people who super familiar with each other and when someone is an outsider to said clique, is a little bit more difficult to integrate themselves into it. So like it’s also a reminder for people who are really well
reversed in the community to give give attention and like opportunities to bring outsiders in for like you know those who are a little bit more shy or timid or don’t know anybody or don’t know exactly where to go about you know try and get them involved in the conversations or like you said you want to be proactive you know find the person who’s new and say hey can you come help me set up this table or something and give them the opportunity to actually like give give into the community a little bit more.
Alonzo Banx (03:08)
Jona, go ahead.
Lana (03:09)
My name is Lana and I’m in many communities and I love people. I’m energized by people. So I’m looking for any opportunities to see my people. And when I’m coming to group of people, which I know or not, I’m so excited and curious. And I know it’s not easy for everyone. For me, it’s easy and
⁓ I’m fulfilling by see people and, ⁓ just to be with people. And, I, I know a couple of examples when I see new people who enjoy the same community with me and they’re shy as I said, or not feel, they’re fitting and the it’s not for everybody. And what I do believe.
is very important, it’s to be present. Be present and love people and just, here I am, I’m who I am and I’m here to know you better. So it’s my intake.
Alonzo Banx (04:05)
Noah, what are your thoughts?
Noah (04:06)
Yeah, I think I feel included when I’m being a invited to events or parties or whatever, just being included in the various activities are going on. But I think the biggest thing really for me is when I arrive at these locations that people, notice me or want to talk to me. Right. I think
If I come into a room and I don’t know anybody, it’s very intimidating. And I don’t really feel like I’m part of it until I’ve been able to break the ice with a few people. And those people are eager to see me when I come through the room. Right. I think that’s kind of the biggest thing. It’s not that different than really being a part of any group or being a part of any organization or even in the office. Right. You just want to want to be noticed a little bit. It doesn’t need to be a lot of attention, but
Just people know that you’re there See that you’re there
Alonzo Banx (04:57)
cupcake you’ve been way too quiet tonight.
Cupcake (05:00)
I mean, I was kind of trying to figure out how I would want to answer this question. Because I would kind of say that as far as like talking about the poly community, I’m still new to that. I think that in the way that made me feel comfortable is I started in communities of people that I had like minded activities or entertainment with, you know.
I started doing the Renaissance Fair, which, you know, if you know just the rumor of Renaissance Fairs, it tends to be a lot of like-minded people in poly and open relationships or kink community. Also, you know, obviously diving into the more of the kink community that is a little bit more present as well. So it kind of just flowed into when I kind of started being around the poly communities because those kind of all mold together.
I would say definitely just being able to have interests that are similar to the people that would be in various communities that are kind of linked together. And that makes me feel welcome because I’m able to at least connect in other things. And hey, I’m Polly. You have more interests that make the situation of blending a little bit easier.
Psi (06:12)
So to piggyback back a little bit on what Noah said, first of all, yes. And what you said, Alonzo, I agree that it’s an indication that I am part of a community and accepted when I get invited and that feels great. Then I feel desired. And yes, people would greet me and happy to see me.
Having said that, think that sometimes is an intentional effort to show up and get to know people, to make an effort. as a woman, yes, entering into certain committees, sure, I’m going to get noticed as a woman entering in. They’ll see me. I look nice. But if I don’t, then take it to the next step.
and take an interest in them and their story, or be vulnerable and share about myself, then that will only take me so far, you know, first impression. It takes continued efforts to take an interest and, you know, be knowable, to get to know people and be knowable so that, yes, people will be happy to see me and then desire to invite me.
Alonzo Banx (07:18)
Noah, what do you say? I’ll get you a second Ash, thank you. Noah, you had your hand up there a minute ago. And I’ll point out Noah, we are outnumbered tonight. There six of us on this call. There are four ladies and us men. Do you think it’s different for us than it is for them when entering a new community?
Noah (07:34)
Ooh, is it different for us? I mean, yeah, and I think we’ve probably covered a lot of that already as far as, you know, talking about men in the community and how they can interact with folks. I think that there is a expectation for men to to lead in a lot of scenarios, right? Even if you’re probably a more as
quote unquote, submissive man. I think there’s a lot of expectation for you to break the ice or start a conversation, keep the conversation going, that kind of deal, which can be hard. I know personally, what I like to do is roll in my big giant bag of sex toys and show everybody what that is. That’s my big icebreaker. No, I’m kidding. But I think that’s the hardest part.
right is when you come into a new group of any kind, but especially in one that is a kind of mysterious and exclusive and, doesn’t have necessarily, like an easy window into the world until you’re into it, that, you don’t really know how to, to communicate with each other. And I think, when you’re
coming into those spaces or if you’re trying to make someone more comfortable in those spaces to keep things light, right? Not so different than meeting someone in the elevator or before a meeting at work or what have you. You’re going to want to just, you know, real easy small talk. I know everybody hates small talk, me included, right? I hate the real light talking about the weather stuff, but we do that because it makes everybody a little bit more comfortable at first, right? And then you can start getting deeper as you start.
feeling more comfortable. But I think the real goal when you’re trying to enter these spaces or accept someone in these spaces is to try to be as personable as possible. I think there is a maybe a skill that’s been lost.
In recent years, kind of feels like we’re people aren’t really all that great at communicating anymore. I don’t know if that’s because of the internet and social media or what. We could probably do a whole deep dive into the psychology and sociology behind that. But there is a real simple method of, you know, smiling and eye contact and trying to have an anecdote or two that can go a long way. And that goes on both sides. You’re trying to make someone feel comfortable in a space that you control.
or trying to enter into a space that someone else controls. And I think just learning some of those key skills, even if it’s faking those key skills, until you start to get more comfortable with it, goes a long way.
Alonzo Banx (10:05)
Thanks very well said. Ash, you had something you wanted to add to that? Your hand up there for a minute.
Ash (10:10)
So I was gonna say just from personal experience, like you guys have met me and I can be very outgoing, but I also, if you throw me into a new environment with new people, especially if there’s a lot of them, I become very timid and I become very kind of just quiet and reserved in a lot of ways.
⁓ and it’s cause I get nervous and like you said, the small talk thing is really, really hard and it’s really hard to bond with people very quickly and easily, at least for me. once I’m comfortable, I don’t really fucking care. I will get naked and just be my normal weird ass self. But I feel like that, that is, that is a problem that people tend to have is like, it’s just a nervousness of going into, a new environment like that.
and then like trying to meet new people. And then even on that level, like I have definitely been the person who has known groups of people and hung out with groups of people. And then after the fact, everybody gets invited to some events or some club or some party, except for me, which, you know, then you just get a little more deterred about going out in general, because as much as you don’t want it to hurt your feelings, it hurts your feelings. And you’re like, well, what did I do wrong?
So it’s, it’s really like, you know, for the people who are very vibrant and bouncy and Lana and, know, who walk in and light up the room. Like, you know, it’s people who are like that, who would hopefully like try and help those who have a little bit harder time doing such a thing to get them more integrated into the community in that way.
Alonzo Banx (11:37)
I think you hit on a couple of points that I want to come back to in a minute, but Cupcake, you had your hand up there for a second. Do have something you want to add? And then I’m going to address a couple of things you said,
Cupcake (11:43)
you
I just wanted to kind piggyback off of what Ash was saying and I think I’m a very similar person. Like I would say even yesterday was a very good example. I got out of the car and I was very quiet and timid and you were like, what’s wrong with you? And I was like, I don’t know. But it took me what about an hour or so until I just kind of felt comfortable in my surrounding and comfortable with new people. And you know, it just, it can take me.
Alonzo Banx (11:57)
Yes, yes, yes you were.
Cupcake (12:10)
I’m not a very timid person in general once you’ve gotten me open up, but like I can be very timid.
Alonzo Banx (12:14)
How long
was it from the timid to you were trying to drop my cup off the table onto my lap? Okay.
Psi (12:19)
Yeah.
Cupcake (12:19)
Well that was about six hours and that was just because I was
dressed as a kitty and being a brat but that’s different I mean but it also can that can kind of tie into it I’m kind of bratty with people that I’m still building trust with because I want to see what their reactions are so I have to also get to that point where I can start being kind of bratty and that’s where I’m really comfortable so just kind of to agree with that statement.
Alonzo Banx (12:42)
Ash, having watched you in action yesterday, yeah, was… Anyway, Ash, you had made a comment about not being invited. And I think this is kind of a multi-part question. When you’re not invited, just say there’s four people and they say, we’re going out to dinner. If you are not expressly included, do you feel excluded?
Ash (13:04)
yes and no depending on the context so if it’s like everyone’s planned dinner and they’re talking about it in front of me but they’re not like hey are you going i’m not gonna like interject myself because i grew up being the nerd and the outcast that like didn’t have friends and i played by myself in school you know what i mean like so like i feel like just being like hey i’m going by the way is one of those things like if
don’t want to gamble getting that weird stare like what you’re going? like i don’t want to gamble that. i’m just going to be quiet either. you invite me or you don’t. like love me or hate me i could care less in the long run but like…
Alonzo Banx (13:38)
So your assumption is not invited if not expressly asked. And I point this out because, Sai, how would you handle that situation?
Ash (13:43)
Yes.
Psi (13:47)
Well, that’s a good question. It would depend upon the circumstance and who it is. Is it a group of people going out to dinner and I wasn’t expressly invited or is this just some intimate two couples going out? If you’re talking about a group of people.
Alonzo Banx (14:01)
group of people, the scenario
that she laid out, a group of people are saying, we’re going to go do something next. And you weren’t specifically called and invited.
Psi (14:09)
If they’re my friend, ⁓
I’d love to go. You know, that’s what I would say. If it was, they’re going out to something next and it doesn’t seem like, ⁓ I’d love to join.
Cupcake (14:19)
You’re so brave.
Alonzo Banx (14:20)
So that cupcake, how would you handle that situation?
Ash (14:20)
Yeah, that part.
Cupcake (14:24)
I would say absolutely nothing and just hide because
I’m like, well, clearly I’m not invited, it’s fine, I’ll just go hide in the corner and cry now. Yeah, we’ll just like, we’ll walk around by ourselves.
Alonzo Banx (14:32)
Okay, but to me.
Ash (14:33)
It’s okay, Cupcake,
you and me can go together.
Alonzo Banx (14:37)
But to me, that’s the core of the question that we asked tonight, is when do you feel so part of the community that you implicitly know that you are invited? Because to me, that is the moment that you know that you’re part of the community when you don’t need to be called out. And there are people like Sai, who I know her very well. She’s gonna assume she was included and she’s gonna go.
And then there are people like Ash, who I know, who’s going to be in the middle. And then there’s Cupcake, there’s you, who’s going to naturally assume that you are not wanted at all. OK.
Cupcake (15:11)
Every time and it’s never
gonna change
Alonzo Banx (15:14)
but I think that’s part of this conversation is understanding that crux, that point where you realize that that perception of not being invited is you and not the community. Ash, you got a response to that one. And then why not gonna pick on you next? Cause you haven’t said anything. So Ash, you just reacted to that statement hard.
Ash (15:33)
Well, it really all depends on the group because like if it’s people that I’m really comfortable with that I can just like I’m like a fucker I’m going to like I will just be very upfront like I’m coming to but if it’s like people that like Like for example if I went out with my home one of my homegirls and she was hanging out with a group of her friends that I don’t know very well and then the situation arose unless my homegirl turns around and goes by the way, I’m dragging you with I’m
I am going to shut down and I feel like.
feel like it’s such a tough one because it really does depend on set and setting in this situation. But for people who are a little more timid and who’ve got insecurities, and I think it’s really hard for us just to be like amazing over here who’s very brave, like Cupcake said, and is just like, screw you guys, I’m going, fight me about it.
Psi (16:21)
Bye.
Ash (16:25)
It’s hard to face the possible rejection is what it is. The possible rejection or the possible becoming that extra person just following behind the group on the sidewalk while everyone’s clumped together and talking to each other and you’re just in the back going, why the fuck am I even here?
Alonzo Banx (16:25)
Bye.
I’m going to come back to that. Lana, no, you’re hitting on to me exactly what this conversation was tonight. What does it take to make you feel that level of comfort to know that it’s okay? And I come back to that. Lana, where do you sit in all this?
Lana (16:56)
So
for me, I’m just observing the reaction of everybody on the call. And my truth is if you invite me, thank you, will check with my schedule if I’m available. And it’s my priority, I will make time and I’m gonna be there. If you’re not invite me, I’m gonna say, okay, you have in mind somebody, I’m perfectly fine, do something else. I don’t have…
my first thought it’s not the not or somebody not invite me because they don’t love me maybe because it’s a group of people who are doing something and I’m not involved I I don’t have any bitterness and me just to feel its rejection if it’s my close friend and I know
⁓ Her family is doing something and I was a part of the family and because of we grew up apart a little bit It’s kind of like hurting me and in the same time. I understand. Yeah, we’re just the different people now It’s so it is what it is. So for me it is what it is if you invite me Thank you. I gonna be there if not invite me. Thank you
Alonzo Banx (18:06)
I’m gonna come back to this one. Noah, you have your hand up.
Lana (18:08)
Okay.
Noah (18:09)
Yeah, I just wanted to go back, I guess, to the rejection thing.
I don’t know, reject me motherfucker. I don’t give a shit. Like, I guess for me it’s, you know, there’s something I say when I become a drunken asshole and I’m walking around at events or festivals or whatever, right? I’ll stop some rando and look at them and I’ll say, you know what? I am the coolest person on planet earth.
Psi (18:15)
No.
Noah (18:34)
And they’ll be like, ⁓ really? And I’ll say, yeah, but you know what? You’re the coolest person on the planet Earth too. And the whole point of that is we’re all fine, acceptable, perfect people. We don’t need to worry about what other people think about us. And if all we are doing is being concerned about that, we’re going to live a life of sadness and isolation. And we are going to encourage a life of sadness and isolation.
If you are coming constantly with sad boy or sad girl energy and woe is me and sorry I don’t want to be an issue or I don’t want to you know talk to you right now or you know I don’t I don’t think I deserve to be here energy you will manifest that it will absolutely come to you every single time. You need to be someone people want to hang around and they don’t want to hang around.
Alonzo Banx (19:16)
yeah.
Absolutely. We’ve covered that one a few times around. you had something and again, I want to jump back on the things, but well then Cupcake in the queue too. So Ash, go ahead.
Ash (19:32)
think the hardest part about it is allowing yourself to feel like you deserve to be accepted. Which causes the insecurity of wondering if you’re wanted in the situation or not. like you had said earlier, Noah, about being seen. So if you’re not being seen in these groups and you’re not being heard in these groups or like you go to say something, no one’s acknowledging you, it kind of plants that thought.
Alonzo Banx (19:40)
yeah.
Ash (20:00)
that you don’t really, you’re not really liked or you don’t really deserve to be there, but that’s what causes the issue where it’s like you, it’s not always the other people. Sometimes it’s just something inside of you. So really that’s one of the hardest things about it is allowing yourself to feel like you deserve to be accepted and be around these people or hang out with these people. And sometimes when you’re not seen, it makes that even harder, if that makes sense.
Alonzo Banx (20:25)
Very much. I think you got to look at this that, you know, we’ve got four different opinions here.
Are, were you not invited or do you perceive that you weren’t invited and how many things did you miss out on because of your perception? Now I would, I will, I’m to make a point here in a little bit. We got a round of people. Cupcake is waiting to speak and then Sai and then Noah. So a cupcake, am I wrong? thought you your hand up a minute ago. Okay. So we’ll jump on over to Sai. Please. You had something you wanted to say.
Cupcake (20:54)
I was gonna talk, but nevermind. It’s just part of this whole conversation! Look, like, No, I mean, it’s… Do I think… Right. Do I think I’m a likeable person? I guess I’ll assume that. Like, I do think I’m a likeable person. Doesn’t mean that I don’t re- need more reassurance sometimes when I’m having my moments of, I belong where I am? I don’t- I hope that I don’t manifest
Alonzo Banx (20:56)
⁓ Go ahead, Cupcake.
Psi (20:56)
No, go. Go for it.
Alonzo Banx (21:01)
You weren’t invited! ⁓
Cupcake (21:19)
the energy that I don’t and not likeable or you know whatever that may be but it doesn’t mean that I’m always going to be 100 % comfortable. It may not even have anything to do with that specific situation or my comfortability in that situation. It could just be my comfortability in that moment as somebody like I could go into my life in general but that’s for another podcast but I’m constantly uncomfortable just physically.
So it’s a difference in just kind of maybe sometimes in my brain going, do I even want to be part of that? Do I have the spoons for that? Do I feel comfortable that it can be in that situation if I don’t have the spoons for it? And situations likewise, if that makes sense. I know that kind of trailed off into something completely different, but.
Alonzo Banx (22:06)
I think you’re hitting on a lot of what we’re talking about tonight is it really comes down to personal perception. And I’ll go in a little bit more in a minute, but Sai, you had your hand up.
Psi (22:16)
Yeah, there’s a lot to be unpacked here around self-esteem and the idea of belonging and where that comes from. Because I know for the first half of my life, well, I’ll say, you know, from my teens and up, my late teens and up, the whole thing about belonging and fitting in was something that I felt like I needed to try to be different in order to fit into this group. you know, whether it was living in a different country at one point or…
or living in a different city and I didn’t feel like I belonged completely. And I didn’t feel like completely I could even be myself. And I think there was a process and unfolding that happened that gave me confidence over time where I reached the point of also finding, like maybe I’m not in the right group.
You know, eventually I found the groups of people and this was a two step process. One was within myself and one is finding the different people that are more accepting of differences and then learning also to be me so that anywhere I go on being me and you know, maybe you’re not the right group for me. If you’re not inviting me and not wanting me, well, let me go fly in a different garden. Let me, you know, it’s, so that was, you know,
Again, it was a personal unfolding to reach that point that I didn’t have to try fitting in anymore. And it was a whole evolution and it created a different feeling within myself in social situations.
Alonzo Banx (23:42)
Noah?
Noah (23:42)
Yeah, I absolutely agree with Sai. I’ve got a couple points to make. One is you will never please everyone to go based off of what Sai was saying. And not everybody is for you. We have, I forget the count anymore, close to 9 billion people on this earth, whatever it is now, right? We have so many people and there’s no way that all of us are going to be the same and all equally accepting and equally great for each other. Right?
However, with that many people, you are guaranteed to be able to find your people. Right? Find them. If you get rejected, that’s fine. They weren’t cool enough for you anyways. Move on. Right? The real issue is here is this idea of whether I deserve it or I am sad or I, you know, screwed up or I made someone uncomfortable or I, but here’s the thing.
When I have those thoughts, I need to realize that I have been saying, I, I, I, I, me, me, me, me, over and over and over again. Who needs to solve that problem? It’s not everybody else. It’s me, right? I am the problem. Now that might mean I need to go walk away for a few minutes, a few hours, a few days, whatever it is to renaubrate, right? To make up a word.
I think that it’s a matter of perspective. Being rejected by a group is not being rejected as a human or as a person. It’s being rejected by a bunch of assholes who just don’t get who you are. That’s okay. And if we are only worried about being accepted by everybody that we ever meet, we are in for a world of hurt. I think it is…
extremely valuable to value ourselves, not only to leave room for ourselves when we aren’t perfect and be able to try to heal from that without making it everybody else’s problem to an extent, right? ⁓ Ask for help when you need it. But the point being is it’s a journey you need to identify for yourself, right? But you will find your people. Keep looking.
Get rejected, that’s fine. That just means you’re that much closer to finding the ones you wanna meet.
Alonzo Banx (25:48)
I couldn’t agree with you more. Okay, I want to address a couple of things you said there, but Lana, let me, you have something to add here.
Lana (25:54)
just agree about everybody is different. Everybody is exotic and unique. And it’s easy to be in a company with like-minded people, for sure. And at the same time, if people are different and you see, I’m myself, who am I as a person and I’m not fit, it’s okay. In my eyes, it’s okay. They’re different or I’m different.
And it’s perfectly fine. And from all people, it’s absolutely, it should be community, which you’re going to feel good or I’m going to feel amazing. And at the same time, this new community, any community, I’m curious, who are those people? And by default, I know they’re unique individuals and who they are. That’s my point.
Alonzo Banx (26:44)
I think it’s absolutely true. One of the things that I really want to hit on here though is, you know, we’ve talked to a couple of different opinions here tonight of what would you do in that situation. And a few of us are of the mindset of, if I wasn’t personally invited, I assume that I’m not. And a couple are of the mindset of, I assume I am, or I’ll ask, or I’ll, you know, I’ll put myself in the situation. I think you have to realize
that the people on the other side of these conversations and the other side of these invitations aren’t flawless. They may have forgot. They may have overlooked. And if your first assumption is that I wasn’t invited and dealing with someone who was just absent minded, you will let yourself miss out because of your own self doubt. And I know running these podcasts and running our events.
One of the comments I get all the time is that I’m brutally honest. I’m really blunt. will look people right in the eye and tell them whether they’re invited or whether they’re not. And I find that that’s important because without that kind of communication, people don’t know where they stand. And yet even I mess up all the time. I’ll have people that look at me and say, you didn’t invite me to be on tonight’s podcast. I’m like, because there are 30.
seven people in our group on the podcast right now. I didn’t go out to every single person and beg them. I wasn’t excluding you. Honestly, I forgot. You should have asked. So what does it take to feel that you’re part of the community? What the question tonight is, as Ash said,
If it’s my friends, know, my home, my home girl, think was the answer. I’ll just tell them what I want. Okay. That’s because you’ve passed that milestone. You feel part of that community and feel you’re at that point where you can say that, where you don’t automatically feel rejected. Cupcake, what does it take for you to be at that point where you have that confidence to push my glass off the table?
Lana (28:38)
you
Cupcake (28:39)
Well that’s a different story. mean… I wouldn’t then turn around and be like, am I invited to everything? I… I…
Alonzo Banx (28:43)
And the answer is, by
the way, yes you are.
Cupcake (28:46)
But my point being is that’s not, I don’t think of it that way. My brain doesn’t wire that way. I could feel completely connected to a community and still have the feelings of not sure if I’m invited to something or if I’m welcomed somewhere. Like I’m very much one of those people that A, just don’t want to be a burden to other people or be a bother. I’m just who I am. So like, I’m not going to
include myself in something that is just not… I’m like also the person that just plans things. So like a lot of time I’m the one planning the thing so it makes me more comfortable because I’m in charge of it. But like I’m just not gonna put myself in that kind of space it’s just not who I am.
Alonzo Banx (29:30)
Our purpose with this podcast is to get other people inside our head, to let them understand what it’s like to be in these worlds and to be where it is. And one of the things that I hope people take away from the conversation tonight is it’s incumbent upon the leaders of these communities. It’s incumbent upon the planners of the events and the people who are secure enough to make sure that those misunderstandings don’t happen.
to make sure that those people who are prone to automatically feeling not invited are invited or explicitly told, hey, I can’t have you at this event because of this reason. It’s not that I don’t want you, it’s here’s the reasons, here’s the logic, and this is why I simply can’t have you come to this event.
What does it take for you to feel that? And I know my answer to that. It takes a community that cares enough to look after the people that are weak in the community.
So my answer to tonight’s question is it takes a community that cares. It takes a community that looks after their own. That it’s incumbent upon us to look after each other, knowing that we are all flawed, knowing that some of us are a little too blunt, some of us are a little too sensitive, some of us feel a little too insecure about some.
Try, go ahead.
Psi (30:48)
Yeah, I mean, I agree with you. And Asha touched on that earlier also saying that if someone’s more confident, you know, it takes going over to people that, you know, may seem shyer and making sure they feel comfortable. And I agree with you. And it also, of course, it depends upon the size of the community we’re talking about. When you’re talking about a smaller, more intimate group of people, then it’s easier to know each other and to
look out for each other more. If you’re talking about a very large community, there’s not going to be as much intimacy and knowing of the flaws and such, and it’s easier to get lost in the crowd. And I think what you’re saying is definitely the ideal for creating a close-knit community that is family.
That’s the next step. It’s not just community, but you become family, friends like family, where you really care enough to look past everyone’s challenges and risk being vulnerable and risk your ego, you know, rather than just shutting the door on people if you feel hurt.
Alonzo Banx (31:50)
Thank you. Lana, you’re smiling away.
Lana (31:52)
I
Alonzo Banx (31:53)
Ash, what are your thoughts?
Ash (31:54)
feel like yeah, just being seen and feeling accepted by people will help break the ice a little bit to make it easier to feel like you belong and feel like you’re invited. So it’s really like, you know, it’s a community, it’s a tribe, everyone needs to look after anyone else and if someone is struggling, help them along. And if someone is thriving, you know.
if you’re the person thriving, use that ability to say, I know someone really awesome you should meet that and get those connections made.
Alonzo Banx (32:26)
Noah, you had something to say. think I’m to give you the last word tonight, Noah.
Noah (32:30)
Yeah, I think it’s extremely important for especially the leaders of our communities to, you know, keep track of the flock, as they say, right? And try to understand when someone’s feeling like an outsider and see if you can reach out and help them out. I think that’s extremely important. And I think that on the other side of it,
The ones who feel like outsiders, the ones who have a hard time integrating, the ones who have self-esteem issues to be frank, need to remember we only make this journey once, at least from my perspective and my philosophy, right? I am not a reincarnation guy. I’m not a heaven guy. I am a guy that this journey
only happens once. When I’m done, I’m done. And so I’m going to try to make the most of it in a positive way. And that means I’m going to try to meet people. I’m going to try to love people. And I’m going to try to have a great time. Everything else, to an extent, is a distraction and only inhibiting my pursuit of love and
enjoyment and happiness. And I don’t mean I want to be in a constant state of ecstasy because that’s unreasonable, right? I’m talking about having a sense of love and contentedness, right? With what I’m doing in my life. That doesn’t mean that it’s always awesome and great all the time. It doesn’t mean I don’t have my own frictions in my life and my own problems. However,
when I am trying to be a part of a community, I want to make the most of it. And I think that’s the truest way to do that. The most ideal way to do that is to come in with joy and happiness and trying to meet and enjoy other people. And if you’re not doing that, it’s going to be hard for other people to relate to you.
And I think you’re doing a lot more damage to yourself than good. If you can’t come at it with that energy and if you’re not having that energy that day, that’s fine. Wait till tomorrow. It’s okay. Take a moment. Get therapy, whatever it takes, right? Work through your issues. We all have our problems. But please realize that the energy you put out into
your relationships is what most often you’ll get back.
Alonzo Banx (34:51)
As always, very well said, sir. And I don’t want to leave this without giving anyone the opportunity to speak if they feel they still have something to say. You are invited. A lot of smiles, anyone?
Ash (34:53)
Very well said.
Cupcake (35:01)
Don’t do that.
I’m just mad because I feel like he’s- I know, I’m just mad that Noah’s trying to call me out and I’m just- like it. I’m just kidding, I’m kidding.
Alonzo Banx (35:03)
Cupcake, are always invited to the events as…
Ash (35:07)
Always.
Alonzo Banx (35:12)
Hey, so clearly I skipped the introductions at the beginning of this, which was the first time I have made that faux pas, but I want to thank Lana, Noah, Ash, Sy, Cupcake for being on another great night. I will make sure we get the introduction runs on our next podcast. I want to thank everyone for being on tonight. It was a great conversation. I feel really good about what we discussed. Remember, the way to be a community is beep.
Noah (35:12)
Am I?
Cupcake (35:14)
Thanks
Alonzo Banx (35:39)
of the community. Good night everyone.
Cupcake (35:41)
Thank you.