In this episode of the PolySoCal Podcast, Alonzo Banx sits down with Dante and Double D for a conversation about long-term love, ethical non-monogamy, play partners, communication, and creating safer spaces for adult exploration. Dante and Double D share how they found each other later in life, built a committed marriage, and chose a relationship style centered on freedom, trust, and keeping their bond as home base. They talk about opening slowly, having long conversations, setting boundaries, learning from mistakes, and hosting intimate community spaces where people can explore without pressure. The conversation moves through play, compersion, lifestyle events, privacy, aging, and the importance of creating a clear container where people know what they are walking into and can choose their own level of participation.

Alonzo banx: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks, and tonight we have two dear friends of mine in the house, Double D and Dante. This couple, um, pretty much rocks the world of poly, and if there’s anyone who can do it right, it’s them. So I asked them to come on tonight and talk about who they are, a little bit of their background, and then how they make it work.

Double D, say hi. Tell everyone who you are

Double D: I’m Double D and I love to play. I have, uh, I’ve been with my beloved Dante for about eight years now. Uh, before that I, I was single and dating multiple men for, ah, 15 years after my divorce. So I [00:01:00] am in my 60s and I am– Now I have it all. I have, the ability to date whoever I want, the most amazing, beautiful marriage and partnership with Dante, and I get to be supported in my journey to help women find their voice, to bring sexuality into a sweeter, more accepted state, and to offer opportunities for people to come to our home and enjoy the safety that allows them to push their edges

Alonzo banx: Nice. So we’re gonna talk a lot more about that here in a bit. Dante,

Dante: Hi there. Um, my background, I was [00:02:00] in a very vanilla relationship for 43 years. Totally exclusive, totally, um, committed. And when that ended with my wife’s nine years ago, I made a very conscious shift explore tantra, which led me to other explorations, uh, among them about a year and a half later of meeting Double D, and that was it. Um, as, as she has said, we’ve been together eight years, and it has been blissful. We were together for roughly three years, and our f- five-year wedding anniversary is coming up. Um, been, it’s been fabulous. It’s been opening. It’s a new world for me to experience. [00:03:00] I never did much, I didn’t, never did any dating, So that is a, is a practice that is growing. Um, but my commitment to Double D was I want her to have it all. There– It’s a kind of a foundation of our, our relationship there’s no possession, there’s no… We are mutually joined at the heart simply want the best for each other. And, uh, whereas Alonso, you, um, mentioned, you know, we master polyamory. Let’s talk about that a little bit in this, in this discussion. I see us more as ethically non-monogamous

Alonzo banx: was the first thing I was gonna ask is, [00:04:00] um, what do you guys consider yourself? Are you swingers? Are you ENM? Are you polyamorous? Um, what is your term for your relationship?

Dante: What I, I’d like to introduce that by saying Double D and I We dabble in the lifestyle. We dabble in tantric exercises and, and workshops. We have our own spin on entertaining and parties. Um, I, I find that very expansive in that we mix and mingle in the kink community a little bit, and have friends and acquaintances in every single one of those realms without being devoted to any one of them

Alonzo banx: So in the, [00:05:00] in true polyamory, do you have heartfelt romantic relationships with people other than each other?

Dante: They, they are not deep relationships. are, they are play partners. Um, we will play with couples. We will– we each have our own relationships with others outside. do not engage in deep relationship connection with anybody beyond ourselves. We might be aware of their worlds or their, you know, interests or, uh, s-situations going on in their lives, but we do not…

And, and, and have understanding and compassion and, and for what somebody might be experiencing. But we do not engage in, uh, [00:06:00] resolution or deep connection to, you know, dive in and, and a-and attach, uh,

Alonzo banx: I think, everyone in the community, even with play partners, you feel a connection with them. They’re friends. You’re– You can be romantic with them. That’s a far cry from deciding who’s gonna take out the laundry next week and who’s gonna mow the lawn, and all the things that come with deep relationships.

Dante: Correct Uh, in previous broadcasts, Alonzo, you’ve related, uh, in our advancing age, and I I’m in that category, that I simply don’t have the bandwidth or the energy at this stage of life for me to engage to that l- level of depth and devotion and, and commitment. I have it certainly totally Double D, but it doesn’t extend deeply beyond [00:07:00] what we have

Alonzo banx: I bring that up frequently in my podcast is the fact that I, I do not engage in multiple relationships ’cause I don’t have the personal bandwidth. It’s not the lack of compersion, it’s not any kind of jealousy, it’s man, relationships are a lot of work

Double D: Keep it simple.

Alonzo banx: Absolutely

Double D: simple. Have play partners. Have fun. our philosophy, and we, we really have a lot of compersion for each other. We have, uh, lovers that we have been seeing for four or five years now. And, you know, it’s not anything deep, but they’re long-term friendly play partners, and that’s how we feel most comfortable running our relationship

Alonzo banx: That’s an important point. I think a lot of people, when you say we’re not in a relationship, it doesn’t diminish your caring or compassion [00:08:00] or feeling for them.

Double D: Absolutely

Alonzo banx: Okay. So how did you guys meet?

Double D: So we met at a workshop, um, uh, at a community called HAI, Human Awareness Institute. Um, we had each been kind of coached go there by people that had been through the workshops before. I went not to meet a partner, but I went to learn some new tools for helping, um, people. I showed up and, uh, in all my glory and feathers and and whatnot, and saw me from across the room and approached me immediately before the workshop even started. Asked, asked me to have dinner with him, and then asked me to be his partner for the weekend. And by the end of the [00:09:00] weekend, it was like, “Oh my God, what the hell just happened? Uh, this is the man that I’m going to marry. What the hell?” And within a week we were talking wedding dates, and it’s like, let’s dive into life and go explore. So it was, it was fast and furious. was seeing somebody else at the time, and I told… He told me I might meet someone there ’cause we had kind of an open relationship. And yeah, and he ended up marrying one of my girlfriends later on. But, you know, so it all- we’re all friends now. It’s all beautiful and lovely. And, um, it was a knowing from the very beginning that this is, this is him

Alonzo banx: And today, is that what happened?

Dante: Oh, absolutely. Yeah. We, uh, it was, it was kismet. It was, [00:10:00] it was fabulous. Uh, it struck… I had been in, dating some women for roughly a year and a half and e- e- exploring, but with the goal at that time of finding my next committed partner. I, I really felt it was important to have a, know, take a wife, take a partner for the balance of, you know, our lives. that is much more fulfilling to me than the prospect, uh, of, you know, living alone. And so, yeah, it was… She just met… I had a intentions list, Alonzo, for going there, and of the qualities that I desired in my next partner, uh, a question of, um What does it look like to be [00:11:00] in relationship with that new partner? And then, how do I feel in being in that relationship? And I had written a pa- five and a half pages bullet point answers to this question, these three questions. And boy, when Double D, and I got together and three weeks later we were comparing notes and this and that, I got out the check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check, check.

Okay. Yeah. It was, it was several months for both of us of a series of confirmations from other friends, from Double D’s, um, intuitive friends going, “You met him?” It was, it was phenomenal. So we received a great deal of confirmation that this was right, [00:12:00] I invited her to join me, and we’ve been happy ever

Alonzo banx: So was the open and explorative nature of your sex life part of the initial conversation? Was that, was that as you came into the relationship, this is something I want?

Double D: the, the workshop we met at was a clothing optional workshop that, explored, It had a sexual undertone to it. So in that workshop itself was you’re open to more. So by being there was a statement. I think we talked about it initially, but we, and mostly me, I, I had some because I had been cheated on in prior relationships.

I’d never been in an [00:13:00] open relationship with a committed partner before. I didn’t know what that was gonna look like. Um, so it took a commitment from Dante, , um, being asked to move in with him and other things that allowed me the safety to say, “Yes, let’s explore this,” and that was about a year and a half in our relationship. We had huge list of, of rules to start with. We talked for for hours, for weeks about what it might look like and what were potential, um, time bombs that were gonna blow everything up, and how to avoid the pitfalls, and what to do when things went wrong. And so we started very [00:14:00] slowly, very slowly, and was amazing. It opened up so much for both of us that we jumped in full boat and started taking trainings in tantra and energy sex and, and kink and, and just, it’s like, “Oh my God, we found a new playground.”

Alonzo banx: I was gonna ask about the, the conversations. I mean, that was, that’s always a big part. So when you guys first started, you had long conversations and set out boundaries and things that you were after

Dante: Yes. And, and that was foundational, to our relationship and ultimately our marriage. Um, in the… And it’s something we advocate because we do interact with other couples on a informal but [00:15:00] committed, um, conscious coaching their, in their struggles or in their issues and things. It’s not a business, it’s intermittent. But we– But one thing that I like to stress in that is to begin with a solid wanna- paired relationship with that as the, the springboard for more if you then a- agree and, and desire to go there. Having that foundational relationship to rely upon, to know that that’s home base, And to be mutually committed in that was w- what was advocated.

I, I got a book, and they actually said, “Do not open unless you have been in a committed relationship for 10 [00:16:00] years.” Well, Double D, and I lasted about a year and a half. And, but, but again, our… We are blessed a, I’m- With a communication level that is very deep and very open and committed to our, each other. And that is foundational also going forward, you know, in this lifestyle for anybody involved, to be willing and able to express exactly what you desire, what you had difficulty with, resolve things rapidly if there’s a, you know, an ouchie. Um, and yeah, so but we came together quickly and it was, it’s beautiful. Just beautiful. [00:17:00] Um, as far as my background, in the 43-year vanilla marriage, was very vanilla. Oops. There were– This entire lifestyle and existence wasn’t on my radar at

Alonzo banx: Welcome to Baskin-Robbins. You got got flavors now

Dante: Yes. So, it’s an opportunity for me to live a completely different life actually, uh, you know, starting. So, and I’ve got a… D is a fabulous partner to be, uh, taking that journey alongside me, yes

Alonzo banx: Well, Dante just told us that, um, the communication is one of the cores, and and that’s obvious. I mean, we deal with that every day, that if you’re going to be in this lifestyle, communication is a survival tool Internally though, what challenges and what things have you had to [00:18:00] deal with or, or question about yourself that lets you be in these kind of relationships and navigate them as successfully as you do?

Double D: When we first got together, um, I, I was trepidatious about opening because I had had men leave me with nothing. I, I had was in a 28-year relationship and walked away with nothing, um, because the man that I was with was cheating on me and hid all the assets, and it made it um, traumatic for me to leave that and have to start all over again. Uh, and I met Dante, in my late 50s, so it’s like I don’t want to have that trauma happen [00:19:00] to me again. I need some guarantees that this is going… You are going to be there, and you’re not going to fall in love with somebody else and leave or, uh, it… I didn’t want complications. So yeah, I had to go through my own internal struggles, uh, it was really interesting.

This is a, quite a sexual story. I don’t know if I

Alonzo banx: Please

Double D: tell it here. Um, on our wedding, on our honeymoon Uh, on our wedding night, I laid down in bed. This was hours after, the food and drink had worn off, and we were just exhausted. I laid down in bed, a spring popped in my body, and I started unwinding, and I got super dizzy, and it’s like, “Oh my God, I’m going to be sick.” [00:20:00] So I took myself in the bathroom, and I had this energetic purge, decades of not feeling good enough, not knowing if I would ever find the right man, not knowing if I would ever be, quote, taken care of properly, not… You know, all this energetic purge. Two days later, we were on our honeymoon in San Miguel, and squirted for the first time. It’s like the safety the stupid wedding ring opened something in my body to allow me to feel safe enough to express, safe enough to unwind and let myself be free. And it was kind of a cornerstone allowing my body to [00:21:00] let go of all that past trauma and move into a more open space allow for more possibilities

Alonzo banx: Awesome. Dante, you, your life took a radical turn. You went from being ultra vanilla to serving up servings at Baskin-Robbins. ,

Dante: Yes

Alonzo banx: and, you met the powerhouse that is Double D

Dante: Yes

Alonzo banx: How did you make that transition? How did you deal with compersion and empathy and envy and jealousy going from one extreme to the other?

Dante: That’s a great question because my answer is amazingly easy. It was easy for me to do just that. I was in the presence of this queen, this goddess, this priestess with so much [00:22:00] magic, and I was able to provide her and committed to her that I was, I was the ground. And by providing the committed support, allowing Double D fly whatever. It– she is the most creative woman you could imagine. Multi-talented, multi-skilled, visionary, and I recognized all this instinctively very early, but it’s grown daily. She amazes me continually with just new things. So it’s a, it’s a new candy shop every, every day in all aspects of life. And I simply [00:23:00] It, it was– I analyze things on timelines a lot, and realizing my stage in life, I wanted to, to, a-and do, not only accept her, but love her just the way she is, and I don’t want to limit that, and that includes, uh, physical relationships or interactions with others. part of… It was part of her expression before we met, and I actually find myself very encourage, encouraging to pursue the things that she desires. Uh, I do struggle with insecurity and inexperience in s-s-creative sexual relations. [00:24:00] And realizing that I have a limited box of crayons at the moment, although it i-it has expanded, I wanted her to be able, if desired, to color with other crayons, receive, and joyful.

And it– the, the acceptance, the compersion, I mean, it juices me when she’s with somebody, whether I’m in the room or not, just knowing things are happening. It, is something that, that ultimately f-it fills us both in different ways, but it’s that’s great,

Alonzo banx: I gotta jump in there for a minute. People at home can’t see the reactions which I, I get the privilege of seeing. Double D, your reaction when he said, “I have a limited box of [00:25:00] crayons.” Explain that for me

Double D: He doesn’t have the, he doesn’t have 50 years of experience of being with other women. He’s, he was with f- a total of four women when I met him, and h- his breadth of experience was limited. It was limited to a little four-pack of crayons, right? So, so now it’s kind of a 24-pack or

Alonzo banx: And, and you’ve got him working with oil colors and pastels and a whole lot of other art mediums as well

Double D: So he’s really been working with his artists lately. So he is expanding, and he’s inviting more expansion on our part all the time. And we, uh, we love to keep it fresh. It’s like we have deep [00:26:00] conversations. We have deep check-ins all the time. It’s like, “What are you wanting? What are you needing? What is, you know, what, what can I provide for you to make your life more full?”

Alonzo banx: Let me go there for a minute. Eight years ago, you guys had these intense conversations when you met. You, you really talked about what you wanted. Do you still have those conversations?

Double D: We do. We do. And, and we… It’s, it’s funny because sometimes we need to step away from each other and get some alone time to, like, reset yourself and then move forward with, what are we lacking? What could we do better at? What are we letting slip? Are we finding ourselves in a rut? Are we exploring new ideas?

[00:27:00] And, and it’s, it’s a really, it’s a, it’s an evening reset to bring us back to center, to bring us back to love and expansion, and how do we want our lives to look and, um, and feel. And con- it’s a constant thing. I, I love our l- lives. I love the way that we are diving into new explorations, we have people come to us all the time, couples and, and people.

It’s like coaching them,

Alonzo banx: Well, you guys have become quite a center point in the community. You host a lot of activities. You’re, you’re kind of the spoke or the, you know, the hub that a lot of things happen around. How did that happen? Or do you think it’s just your energy that drew everyone in?

Double D: Well, I love– I am the ultimate hostess. I love to [00:28:00] create events. I love to host other people. what better than hosting an edgy play party? So we first started by doing some trainings, and then it was, “Wow, we would need to host some trainings here in our house.” So we started inviting facilitators to come in and teach workshops here. it was a variety of different workshops. And so we did that for a while and explored what is it like to have all of this beautiful energy in our home, and allow people to really open and push their edges, and us push our own edges. I mean, some of the parties got downright wild, know? Like a birthday party.

It’s like, ” what do you want?” “Well, think I [00:29:00] wanna play with 10 men.” So it’s like, “Okay, let’s invite 10 men and, you know, and a few other women,” and, you know, the opening circle was, “How are you here going to please tonight?” And yeah, we got a little bold. I love pushing the edges. It’s fun. Why not? We do so in a safe container with a beautiful, beautiful ambiance and private invitations to people that we know will gel together, and happens

Alonzo banx: But you guys live very openly with friends, with everyone. You don’t necessarily hide your lifestyle. Is that true?

Double D: Our families don’t know about our lifestyle. Our [00:30:00] neighbors are not happy about Um, but we don’t hide it, per se. We don’t flaunt it,

Dante: N- no.

Double D: we don’t hide it in the community

Dante: Right within the tantric community, within the s- obviously with the, within the swinger community, there’s no, no hiding there. We’re, we’re that, that’s w- we are. Um, yeah, there was something that struck me and I’m, I’m missing it there. Um, at one point we d- we were organized, but, uh, the size and frequency of the parties we were hosting, and the fact that we were collecting money w- came crossways with [00:31:00] some neighbors with the city. Um, with… So had to shift, um, shift away from that size and quantity to events where it’s, uh, invitational only.

Alonzo banx: That must have been scary. You said that you, you ran afoul of the

Dante: for

Alonzo banx: constabulary and, and your neighbors that had to be enjoyable

Dante: yeah, I don’t…

Double D: It was quite embarrassing I mean, I had never, I had never been, like, outed like that with neighbors, and it was like a cease and

Dante: Well,

Double D: order. We were getting hate mail. We were… I mean, it was like five different neighbors went to the city after one weekend of play parties. Granted, we were having 50 people here, and it was getting a little out of hand, so it was kind of a blessing in disguise that they shut us down. took a breath, [00:32:00] and then we decided, okay, we’re just gonna scale it back. are going to do invitation only, and we’re only going to do three or four different parties a year instead of doing them every six to eight weeks. we learned our lesson. We got slapped a little by society and, you know, okay. All right.

Alonzo banx: Yeah

Double D: You really learn, you know, how, how we are because we like sex

Alonzo banx: Well, to step back in that, I mean, you know, you were hosting 50 people events at a private residence. Wa- wa- was, was the public reaction because of the content of the events or simply because you were filling the streets with a bunch of cars and a bunch of noise and a bunch of people?

Double D: I think it was both[00:33:00] 

Alonzo banx: Mm-hmm.

Dante: Yeah, it reached a crescendo. And just for perspective, I’ve, I’ve lived on this 13-home cul-de-sac for over 30 years, and there’s been very few people move out and move back in. So we know each other quite well. It was quite a shock realize, oh, that, single now. Oh, look what happened. W- what element do we have in the neighborhood now?” And so it’s, uh, it’s been eye-opening, but I also find it refreshing, our adjustment. It– We– Even in our, our brief eight-year relationship, we have progressed through various phases or, interactions a- and developed, and we’ve even found the, [00:34:00] organization that we went y- where we met, and we participated in, six or seven other workshops beyond that initial one, uh, that we’ve kind of outgrown it, and we’ve, we’ve left that, you know, in the rearview mirror. Uh, when the city shut us down, the organizer, you know, who was bringing in those large groups and everything, it was a perfect off-ramp for us to say, “I’m sorry, we’ve, you know, run afoul of this. We’re not going to be able to host, you know, you as a facilitator.” No problem with what was transpiring, it just the circumstances we couldn’t, you know, reconcile that. And yet we found it was an okay time for us to transition away from that format of, you know, parties and gatherings,

Alonzo banx: All good relationships [00:35:00] evolve. You, you don’t always follow the same pattern and, and sometimes, you know, life is a great factor in evolution.

Dante: and

Alonzo banx: It can help you change in directions that are, that are helpful.

Dante: c-

Alonzo banx: Let’s hit some advice. Double D, you, you host events. You love being a host. What’s some of the best advice you can give someone who is thinking about hosting activities into this community?

Double D: I think that ambiance is really important. You want people to feel safe the moment they walk in the door. So everything makes a difference. Lighting, decor, food, bever- music, a choreographed [00:36:00] evening that allows for expression of kind, but is also very s- secured by boundaries, and having that conversation with people to allow them to maintain whatever boundaries they might have, and to also, um, come in with some communication as a couple or as a single. “What are my personal boundaries tonight? And don’t step over those.” you want to explore your edges, do it. But I think the host and hostess need to provide a safe space to allow people to explore. They need, I think, a container that builds trust, and, and safety, and play, and [00:37:00] opportunities to dive in or sit back and watch, and everything in between is okay

Alonzo banx: I’m gonna ask you to, to, um, expound on one word that you used, something that’s common, uh, in some of these communities, but I don’t think everyone knows. A container. You said to, to make it… What does that mean?

Double D: A container means… Sure, dante

Dante: Can I, can I expand? Can I… No, I just want… It, it’s on, it’s on point. I met Double D, , she brought to me sacredness, uh, knowledge and connection with worlds above and beyond. we have… One of the things we did in commitment early, brought crystals from the Crystal Mountain up in, uh, [00:38:00] Joshua Tree area. And we buried in the four corners of our city, our block, crystals and created a sacred space. So what Double D has brought into this is sacred sexuality. And we created and have, a- and she has enhanced measurably create the Pleasure Palace Resort and Spa, whi- we pronounce. And people come to us in these gatherings or individuals. We’ve even had workmen recent remodel comment, “This is such a sa- sc- secure…” The ambiance, the environment, the, the energy [00:39:00] is so relaxing that people are welcomed here and they feel it. that enhances those that come to our gatherings as well.

the, the

Double D: include agreements for confidentiality

Dante: safetiness, and this

Double D: for our parties. So you’re not going to out anyone that is here or was here. You’re going to keep it private and honor agreements with everyone. And everyone knows what they’re getting into. I mean, the, the descriptions, the container that we set when people arrive, uh, letting them know what the evening is going to look like and feel like, and offering them different levels of participation, it all creates safety. And when people feel safe, they open

Alonzo banx: Absolutely. [00:40:00] So what do you guys got coming up? Double D, how do, um, what are you doing that a listener could join in on? Or are you public events? What are you doing now?

Double D: I’m working on, uh, we’re developing a workshop called, it’s geared towards the lifestyle arena, but I really believe that there are several other… That every couple could benefit from this workshop, and it’s called Slow the Fuck Down. It is teaching people presence, awareness, attunement, getting them to, uh, read their body, listen to their bodies, increasing erotic intelligence, and getting them to open up in communication, both [00:41:00] in the moment and in life, give people more of a voice to ask for what they want, need, and desire, and to use that expression to push their edges and find more fulfillment in everything That’s a fun one. one is, um, it’s coming together

Alonzo banx: How would, how would people find that? How would they

Double D: It’s still in development. There is not a, uh, platform which I can do it now, but it is going to be advertised on, events websites like Cassidy, which is a swing website. Um, we are planning to do a couple of these events, uh, one January in Temecula area, [00:42:00] we will be doing another one likely in the, San Diego area.

I might be bringing it to couples up in Ventura area as well. Uh, I’m just getting a lot of people saying, “Everyone needs

Alonzo banx: well, when you get it all put together, we wanna have you come back and tell us all about it.

Double D: Absolutely.

Alonzo banx: got an audience here that would love to hear more

Double D: Yay!

Alonzo banx: So guys, is there anything we didn’t cover? I mean, we could keep going on and on and on, but we’re kinda running out of time tonight. Anything critical that we should hit on?

Double D: Say yes

Yes to you first

Alonzo banx: That was a perfect ending for our show. Double D, Dante, thank you for being here tonight. It’s a pleasure. We hope to have you guys back more, and would love to have you for Voices on the, uh, on the round tables on Sundays

Double D: Very honored to

Alonzo banx: I’m Alonzo [00:43:00] Banks. This has been Poly SoCal Podcast. Good night, everyone