In this episode of the PolySoCal Podcast, Alonzo Banx is joined by Noah, Heather, Cupcake, Patty, Captain Lynn, and Jon for a deeply human conversation about chronic illness, aging, energy changes, caregiving, and what happens when bodies stop cooperating. The discussion moves through acute injury, long-term illness, fibromyalgia, menopause, mental health, caregiver burnout, guilt, and the hard question of whether love is always enough when care becomes overwhelming. Rather than treating polyamory as an escape from difficulty, the panel explores how multiple relationships can sometimes create a stronger support system, while also adding more emotional complexity. This is not a neat or easy conversation, but it is one of the more grounded PolySoCal discussions about what commitment looks like when desire, health, time, and capacity all change.
Alonzo Banx, Noah, Heather, Cupcake, Patty, Captain Lynn, Jon
48 – Chronic Illness, Aging, and the Lifestyle Bodies change. Energy changes
Alonzo banx: [00:00:00] Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks, and tonight we’ve got a really full house tonight. We’ve got seven people in the house. Um, we’re gonna be talking about chronic illness, aging, and lifestyle. When things just become a little too human and a, a little too difficult for everybody, ’cause I think it kinda happens to us all.
Hi, everybody
Captain Lynn: Hey
Noah: Hey there
Patty: No
Jon: Hello?
Alonzo banx: So let’s kinda go around, and we got a, a bunch of, uh, bunch of people in tonight. Noah, say hi
Noah: Hi there. How’s it going?
Alonzo banx: Tell everyone who you are, like they don’t know
Noah: Noah. Everybody knows who I am. I’ve been here more than Heather.
Captain Lynn: Wow
Noah: I am Noah. I am in a poly relationship with Cupcake, who’s on the call right now, and Cookie, my nesting partner, and, uh, been on the podcast now many, many times
Alonzo banx: Yeah, uh, one more time then Heather. Heather, [00:01:00] say hello. He’s been waiting for a while to say that, I think
Heather: I’m Heather. Y’all know me. The two peeps are on the show tonight too, and then married to the Beavers
Alonzo banx: Yeah, we got a whole bunch of the polycule tonight, don’t we?
Heather: Me too.
Alonzo banx: Cupcake.
Heather: than the triad
Alonzo banx: more than, more than the triad. Cupcake, say hi
Cupcake: Use of me. I’m Cupcake, obviously. Um, and partnered with Noah and Cookie and my husband, and then I have Metamora Dahlia
Alonzo banx: Nice. Welcome back. Paddy
Cupcake: Thanks
Alonzo banx: Patty, say hello
Patty: Hi, I’m Patty. I’m married to John for over 30 years, um, and engaged to Heather and dating Babe
Alonzo banx: Come. Got mine
Captain Lynn: Oh, I don’t have any of those.
Jon: Mm-hmm.
Captain Lynn: Captain Lynn. Um, I’m having a great time living this poly life and calling in some playmates, [00:02:00] and calling in my, my future beloved, whoever they may be. They’re in my future. I keep seeing them. They’re on a boat. That’s me today.
Alonzo banx: Welcome back john, say hello
Jon: Hello there. I’m John. Uh, I am married to Patty a couple of times. Uh, is my girlfriend, and, uh, I have the Biebers as my metamour
Alonzo banx: Welcome back. Okay, so the question on the table tonight is, um, you know, life happens. People get sick. I think, uh, most people in this group, we’ve, we’ve had some issues with major health crises, um, uh, you know, some of us more than others. How has that affected your relationships?
How have you dealt with it as a, as a polycule, as a couple? How did you move through it? Who’s got something for me?
Patty: I, uh, so between John and I, [00:03:00] I tend to be the one that is a lot more fragile. Um, I have, um, uh, dysautonomia, so that is very taxing on my body. I get sick a bit easy, um, so I am a lot more fragile. Uh, John, on the other hand, uh, is crazy and has suffered like, crazy accidents. I feel like sometimes we even each other out.
Um, think, um, between the two of us, like, uh, the health issues can be really taxing, um, when, uh, he’s, you know, constantly taking care of me or when I’m complaining because I’m really uncomfortable in my body. I’m in menopause, so there’s a whole slew of things that go with that that I really struggle with, um, that is taxing on me, taxing on my partners. Um, so I think [00:04:00] through all of it, we try to navigate, um, connected, trying to not burden each other as much. Um, I v- I view things for John and I as, um, we’re a partner, we’re a team. No matter who is, is struggling more, we’re there for each other because time is the most im- time together is the most important thing for us. that’s how I view it. How do you view it, John?
Jon: How do I view it? Um, I, I mostly agree with that, that, that it’s, it’s certainly a challenge. Um, I think it, uh, being in a, in a polycule can complicate that challenge sometimes too. You know, like, uh, if you’re having some, some health struggles and stuff, whatever, and, and maybe I, um, uh, I have something planned with Heather or something like that or, or you- your needs might be shifting in the moment and stuff or [00:05:00] whatever.
So there’s a lot more, I think, juggling of, of what needs– what, uh– who needs the most attention in the moment and stuff. So it can be a little bit tricky. But, uh, for the most part, I think f- at least for our quad, it’s been super, uh… I think everybody has everybody else’s in, uh, best interests at heart, so it’s, uh, pretty easy to just say, “Hey,” you know, like, “so and so needs, needs support, needs some help.” And, uh, and we can– Uh, normally we’re all pretty respectful about that, so, so far, no major, uh, I don’t know, obstacles or, or problems that, that I’ve experienced so far.
Alonzo banx: Okay, but John, in all fairness, um,
Jon: Mm-hmm.
Alonzo banx: at least two times that I know of you have majorly tried to damage yourself
Jon: I did majorly damage myself twice. But it’s every 10 years, once every 10 years, so I think I’m coming up on, what, five, six [00:06:00] years now? Uh, I think they’re gonna bubble wrap me on that particular year and, uh, keep me in some kind of a safe room somewhere padded. But
Alonzo banx: so let’s go back to the last one ’cause I was, I knew you and we were friends at the time. Patty, how did, how did you deal with, um, John’s… How long were you incapacitated, shall we say? And if you want to explain what you did. The six years ago
Jon: The motorcycle accident?
Alonzo banx: Yeah. Yeah
Patty: I think John views go big or go home, right?
Jon: Yes. Yeah, you know, so the motorcycle accident was… I, I don’t think I was so out of pocket during that time or I wasn’t that unavailable at that time.
Alonzo banx: Oh, you’re not seeing the look on, on Patty’s face. You’re, you’re wrong
Jon: I mean, I, I definitely had… Like, I had my… I had broken a lot of stuff. I broke my wrist and severed stuff in my [00:07:00] shoulder and broke a rib and stuff like that and everything. But I wasn’t in the hospital for a long time. When I burned myself, I was in the hospital for two… Well, hospital for a month and in, in bed for another month at home.
But, um, but the motorcycle wasn’t super bad. Um, I, I tried to– I had the accident, I tried to brush, brush it off and, uh, you know, not even bother with the hospital really. But, uh, Patty
forced the
Alonzo banx: as one does with broken bones and separated shoulder pieces and people, I, I wish you could see the look on Patty’s face, which, which absolutely translates to, “Oh, John, you’re delusional”
Jon: Yes
Patty: I think, uh, John fails to mention, like, he didn’t just break his wrist, he shattered his wrist. So big surgery with his wrist, metal plates, uh, uh, things through his wrist, hands, uh, broke… It was at least one rib, and then shoulder, along [00:08:00] with a shoulder surgery. So it was a kind of a long recovery for him.
But I think when you’re the one experiencing it, you may not quite realize it, but the other people around you uh, have a different experience. And granted, the burn was, uh, far different. That was a year recovery for him. So a year, uh, a month hospital with a week in the UT… Uh, the, in the um, a month at home with a lot of care. Um, it was a hour and a half, uh, least twice a day for care, plus more, um, that was necessary for him, uh, for that. Um, that was a… There was a lot of things that came out of that, bringing our family closer. but it was, uh, emotionally traumatizing to the family. John bounced back fine. He’s like, “Oh, caught myself on fire.
That’s fine. I’m good [00:09:00] now. I’m fine now.” But the whole family was not fine. so you know, it, we moved in with his mom to help with care, and she helped me with the kids while I could care for him. And so, um, I never view caring for my partners as a burden. I feel like it’s more of a privilege that I get to do that. Um, I feel valued when I get to care for them. So it was never about that. It was more of, um, like, holy moly, this is a lot for our family to deal with
Alonzo banx: So you say you came away from that feeling closer than before?
Patty: You know, um, uh, I was busy with the kids. I was running a home daycare. Uh, John was working, doing a lot of photography. Um, kids were teenagers and, and so, you know, in three different schools. Um, it uprooted our life. So, uh, we had to move in with his mom, uh, six of us into his, her two-bedroom condo with [00:10:00] her, with our pets, for a year in, like, an…
I think it was, like, 880 square foot house. Um, John tends to be a person that is, “I can take care of myself. I don’t need anything.” Well, he was absolutely reliant on me for everything because both of his hands were burned and his feet and, and, uh, sh- face and, like, it was a severe burn. Uh, so he was completely dependent on me. and, uh, uh, with a lot of grafting that required a lot of care. the kids, we got them into a lot of therapy, and I did a lot of therapy, and so we learned, uh, to communicate, um, and exist in a very small space, um, all of us, all seven of us with a cat and a dog and birds. And, um, think that experience going through it, um, was completely traumatic. Uh, but, like, so many blessings came from it, but it took me a long time to [00:11:00] see that because of the, the emotional, traumatic, um, feelings that it caused our children to go through. Um, so… And uprooting. You know, I had to close my daycare. I had to… You know, it was a lot. Um, but our family as a whole pulled together.
My extended family pulled together. Um, so, uh, we were able to buy a home because we stayed with his mom for a year. So there’s a lot of good things that came from it, but, uh, it’s not without its, uh, wounds that are still existing there
Alonzo banx: Now, if I get this right from what you both just said, John has managed to take himself out twice, but they were pretty acute, um, compressed in time, had a problem, got over it, healed, recovered, moved on, as opposed to long-term life conditions that go on for a very long time. How do you think that differs?
Patty: [00:12:00] For me, I think that, uh Caring for someone in short spurts is far different than, caring for somebody, you know, long term. it registers different for me. I think that, um, I’ve had a lot of mental health struggles in the past where I haven’t been okay. That puts John in a care- caretaking position a lot. and then, uh, you know, I get… Um, I randomly pass out or my heart rate’s off or, you know, a lot of things like that. Um, I think it puts John in that caretaking role a lot more often than been to him If that makes sense.
Alonzo banx: Do you think when
Patty: away
Alonzo banx: Go ahead, please
Patty: It takes away from us both, um Filling each other’s cups and him more pouring into mine and setting his needs [00:13:00] aside a lot more
Alonzo banx: Who has any experience with long-term illnesses rather than short? And how does that make you feel? Is it easier to care for someone long-term, or is it easier when it is acute? When it happens, you recover, and there’s a very clear path to this is going to pass
Anyone?
Cupcake, go ahead.
Captain Lynn: kind of almost a reaction. Uh, is that all
Alonzo banx: No, go ahead. Go ahead, Captain. We’ll get to cupcake in a second
Captain Lynn: Noah’s pointing at somebody. Um, no, because, you know, I haven’t had the opportunity to be in a triad or a polycule when, um, somebody– some illness came up in the group. But in the triad I was in, um, a, a long-term illness came up in their relationship or, or for, for one of them. And, and I was aware of it, but not really kept in the loop. And I had, I have, have– I remember having feelings of, [00:14:00] um It’s not abandonment, but I just– I felt so left out because I loved both of these people. Even though we weren’t in– currently in a relationship, somehow having this illness become part of their life, um, there was no– As, as, you know, suddenly I felt more outside than I was just because the relationship was no longer moving forward. So I am curious for the two of you, Patty and John, like when you were d- going through that, did you have others in your life? And how did, how did they interact with you in like, say, the care of John when he’s dealing with all the burns or, or that kind of stuff? Like, how did the others in your life get included?
Patty: We didn’t have partners currently at that time, so it was really me, the kids, and, uh, John’s mom that was there for us. Um, we had a, a ton of, you know, friends that would supportive. Um, and then my family, you know, [00:15:00] my aunt and uncle, and my, my brother in particular, very, you know, Marine or was a Marine at the time, very no-nonsense, was like, uh, coming over and helping us move. Took my– all four of my kids out school shopping for clothes that whole year. Like, it was like our, our family brought together and then friends were constantly wanting to stop by, and I was constantly beating them a-away because he was in the hospital, and I was worried about infection. So, um, we didn’t have partners during that time.
We had partners when, um, was pregnant with our last child, and I can say from that experience, um, I felt like a, like a village was around us during that time. Um, I got a lot more sleep after the baby and, um, just felt a lot more supported during that time. So I can definitely see from that how if we had partners at that time, um, if, you know, when John burned himself, um, Heather and Beeb were, uh, a part of our [00:16:00] life, uh, I can say I would have felt less afraid, less alone, and all of that.
I think, um, Beeb would have like planned a bunch of things, and Heather would have grounded me and talked me off the ledge and be like, “Hey, this isn’t the end of the world. Hey,” you know? Um, so I feel like if you do have partners in a village like that, you can be a lot more supported.
Captain Lynn: Mm-hmm.
Alonzo banx: TK, you had something you wanted to add
Cupcake: I mean, I was just gonna kind of go on my kind of journey and how it’s affected me, um, and obviously my relationships. So I was, long story short, I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia in 2022, um, after years of trying to understand why I was in constant pain, why I was constantly feeling terrible, and having doctors not take me seriously, tell me to lose weight. And [00:17:00] at that time, obviously, I was more in, you know, two failed relationships in a poly sense, and then meeting my husband back in 2017 when I really started just realizing something wasn’t normal. And it took Years for me to get that, obviously, to get that diagnosis. Um, and then shortly, you know, into two thousand twenty-four, I was then diagnosed with PCOS or now, , being reworded as PMOS, which is polyendocrine ovary syndrome.
Um, and it happened to be literally days within meeting, , Noah and Cookie that I was diagnosed with PCOS. , And at that time in my life, I didn’t have support I needed from my family, um, because they were dealing with their own drama and didn’t really bother to be there for me, unfortunately. , So to have [00:18:00] the support of just even these people that I, you know, barely knew, , getting to know them and it was what I needed.
I didn’t have the family that I needed at that time, and they became very close and very, you know, supportive and a family for me. And I still struggle, and I like to s- I, I’m gonna say too that I believe, you know, chronic illness also has to do with your mental health, and a mental health can be a chronic illness.
And I have been severely struggling with that for the last few months and to a year and a half. And it’s, it’s difficult as somebody that is a people pleaser and doesn’t wanna be a burden to other people and doesn’t want to ever cause anyone to do something they didn’t wanna do or it’s been a very hard struggle for me to fully communicate when I’m at my breaking point or need rest or, you know, never wanna be a disappointment to other people.
If I made plans, I try not to cancel them. I find myself then [00:19:00] re-recuperating for days after just because of it. it’s been something that I’ve had to really hold and think in myself and make choices and give myself self-care, which has been something that has been a huge support from of my partners.
But, you know, there was a breaking point that I kinda had in– at one of the events we went to the last night. I, I just found myself… I made myself into a, a safe space where I knew that I could be, and I cried, and I couldn’t stop crying to the point where I just didn’t know where to go from there. And it was really hard because granted, I should have been able to go to my partners.
I’m not saying they had, they had any fault in that. it was people seeing me every day, struggling every day I’m at a higher point than my normal base level of discomfort or pain. I didn’t know how to express it, and [00:20:00] I didn’t know how to feel like I was taken seriously and not in the sense of anyone doing anything wrong.
It’s just how I was gonna be able to communicate it. And it gave me a realization that I have to just work on how I’m able to communicate that and how I’m able to communicate when I need that time and I need that and I’m trying really hard to do that. I put myself back into individual therapy just really working on it.
Noah: Well, I suppose I should respond to that since I am Cupcake’s partner after all. Um, yeah, y-y-you know, um, her– Cupcake’s condition causes a lot of physical pain for her, and in our dynamic, sometimes, um, calling it a bonus is the wrong way to say it. How do I say this? Sometimes there’s a, a way for her to get some relief through our dynamic, I guess, is how I’m saying it, right?
So we do [00:21:00] practice a BDSM-style, um, relationship, which does include, like, impact play, that kind of a thing, right? and it– depending on how she’s feeling, ’cause it does depend on how she’s feeling, that can provide some relief to her, like a different kind of pain or a pain that she can have some, some amount of control over or desire for to get her to forget about the other pain.
So there’s some, some level of self-therapy or, um, self-soothing that comes from that, right?
Alonzo banx: Noa, I’m gonna cut you off for one second. Noa, hang on a second. I’m watching Cupcake smile, agree, and nod with this, but people at home can’t hear that part. Um, Cupcake is, what are you saying? Correct
Cupcake: It is something that’s very difficult for me to explain to people that for someone that is in constant pain, they would look at me and go, “Why would you want impact play? That doesn’t make sense.” And the way that I explain it is I live with this base– [00:22:00] when normal people live at a base level of one or zero pain, I live at a base level of maybe five or six, and it is a constant, and it is exhausting.
And the best way I can kind of explain it is, let’s say you have… for example, I cut my finger Friday night, and I’m pressing it constantly to cause myself pain. And it’s the way of knowing that that pain is temporarily and– or temporary, and if I press on it long enough, it numbs out for a short period of time, and that’s a relief for me.
So things like impact play I know are temporary pain that it distracts me completely from what I live with every single day.
Alonzo banx: Noah continued.
Captain Lynn: endorphins from impact play? I think I’ve- when I’ve had impact play, I get a lot of endorphins coming up that actually make me feel better too. So do you get that rush of endorphins? I’m curious. it ch- is it different, is it [00:23:00] different for you?
Cupcake: it will depend on the day, honestly. Some days I feel great after, and some days I’m I cry.
Captain Lynn: Hmm
Alonzo banx: Noah, I cut you off. I wanted, I wanted to make sure Cupcake’s, um, answer to what you were saying got in there. Please
Noah: Uh, y- when I’m talking about her, it’s good to check in with her about how she feels about it. Uh, but no, I, um, uh, but ultimately though, um, there’s a, a huge communication aspect that’s required in that, right? Where, maybe that day she’s not interested in impact play because she’s feeling a certain way, whether it’s extra sensitive or down or whatever the deal is, right?
She just doesn’t want it. Um, is fine. We, we talk about those things and deal with it. Um, where there can be trouble is if maybe she doesn’t know how she feels, right? Um, because when you’re dealing with complex medical conditions like this that makes your body [00:24:00] feel out of whack, you might not really understand how you feel, right? Um, until you’re in the middle of it. So then it can also, you know, cause, uh, some heightened emotions, uh, while going through it, right? Um, she’s also a trooper, and so I, I think that also an element of she wants to tough it out for me or for the event or whatever else. Um, and then maybe we realize afterwards it probably should have stopped sooner, right? but that’s all part of the communication. Really though, what I think, um, the, the difficulty with this condition or with, with other folks who have something similar trying to determine what is something that Cupcake should be doing on her own. For instance, “Hey, I just need rest. just going to watch Netflix tonight and stay [00:25:00] home.” Or when is it a time where I need to dedicate myself to her and say, “I understand you’re going through a thing. Let’s both just watch Netflix tonight. We’ll cancel all the plans that we had.” Right? Um, and that can be difficult. That’s a hard, um, to navigate, right? She doesn’t wanna stop me and Cookie from having fun, going to an event or going to, um, you know, a, a movie even or whatever. Um, but at the same time, maybe she really needs something from us, and we should be in a position to change our plans so that we can support her. Other times, maybe it’s something that she should just really kind of take on on her own and allow us to have our experience, and then we can come back and replan something else with her. trying to navigate those intricacies, those can be complex
Alonzo banx: I’m gonna ask a question here in a second, but Heather, I haven’t given you a chance to address any of this conversation so far. [00:26:00] And how do you feel about being a caregiver and being there for other people?
Heather: I, I love being a caregiver. I think everyone should find balance in that, ’cause there is such a huge thing as caregiver burnout. , Don’t overextend yourself. Don’t say yes to too many things when caring for someone. Make sure you’re also taking care of yourself. I will say that both Patty and my girlfriend Ree both have complex medical problems, both of them have taught me patience and putting myself in someone else’s shoes and to have better understanding of what someone else is going through. And, even though I might be super horny and need Patty, but she’s off the table for some reason, whatever she’s going through, have to say, “Oh, okay, what does Patty need?” then when I can fill a need for Patty and make her feel [00:27:00] better, it almost feels better than sex. , And I want her there, so even if it means having to push Patty around in a wheelchair at SeaWorld, as long as she gets to be there with us, yeah, sign me up
Alonzo banx: That, that sounded very specific. But I wanna ask a question. , We’ve got some great examples here of polycules and couples that make it work despite the issues. , Perhaps we have a bit of survivor bias here, and that all the people that are in this room are in this room because they worked through the hard times, and they worked through it.
Has anyone experienced the opposite of that, where a partner just said, “I can’t deal with this, I’m out”? Or inversely, where you had to look at a partner and say, “I, I don’t have it. I can’t continue to give.” Yeah, John, go ahead. Mike?
Jon: There was one relationship that I had in which the, uh, [00:28:00] person that I was partnered with was, uh, suffering from, , borderline personality disorder, and I found that to be overwhelming. Um, it, uh, it was kind of doing some damage to the, to my whole relationship, all of my relationships and stuff, and the kids and everything was of in disarray because of, I think, this particular, um, experience. And, uh, so what I ended up doing is, , helping her to, to get the diagnosis that, , that led to us understanding what was going on and then getting treatment and, and eventually us parting ways. It just got– it got pretty bad. It w- I mean, it wasn’t the healthiest relationship on the planet either, but, uh, but I think that that particular, , mental health issue, , was more than I was able to, to manage
Alonzo banx: Katlyn, is it okay to tap out? [00:29:00] Yeah.
Captain Lynn: Oh, is
Alonzo banx: Yeah.
Captain Lynn: out if you…
Alonzo banx: Yeah, when you get to that point where you’re like, “I don’t have the… I, I can’t do this anymore. I, you know, I, I care about you, but I can’t.”
Captain Lynn: Yeah, I, I have been thinking about that because, um, I, I … From when I’m sick, I don’t want anybody to take care of me. Like, a- and my mom has kinda helped me realize, like, oh, she used to hand at me a, you know, noodle soup and box of tissue and say, you know, “Come out when you feel better,” kind of. So okay, I ha- I’m admitting to some past trauma, but um, I think that that piece of me, you know, th- I don’t naturally have that nurture bone in.
So I’m like going, “Man, do I tell on myself?” Like, I think I would struggle if it was long-term and there wasn’t a way to fill my cup. So At the same time, if I’m in a relationship where somebody needs extra care and I have– I can take care of [00:30:00] myself and still everybody involved feels supported, much like, like Heather was speaking to, then, then suddenly the f- my world feels bigger, and I can imagine myself in that situation. So it okay to tap out? Y- yes and no is my re- answer. Like, it, it really comes down to is, is, are all parties getting nurtured in a way that supports them and, and not giving up themselves to be– to stay? Um, that would be the thing I would look at. And, and, you know, where I’m at in my life now would be absolutely something I would insist on taking care of for myself and for the people I’m involved with
Alonzo banx: Patty, there has to have been times where when the, through the thick of it with John, you just looked and said, “I can’t do this anymore. I’m done.” I mean, there had to have been those moments where you just had that [00:31:00] breaking point. Now, obviously you didn’t take it, but can you honestly say you never thought it?
Patty: I can honestly say I never thought that out. , What I can say is , it- less with the motorcycle accident, but with that burn, I had a, a, I don’t know what the proper term is, but I had a nervous breakdown. um, everything was too much. The weight of my kids, , being impatient, , for psychiatric issues because they were, they witnessed John catching himself on fire. Um, you know, moving in with his mom. Thank God for his mom. Like, she’s, she’s a saint. closing my business and, and all of the change, all of that. once John was okay, once I knew the kids were, were doing okay, I fell apart. Uh, I remember… will get so emotional. Sorry. [00:32:00] Like, this has been so long, and it still gets, gets to me.
, I remember, like, realizing we were gonna have to move out of our home, um, and walking into the hospital to see John, , and my aunt being there, and me trying to figure out, where are we gonna go? What are we gonna do? And I just, like, started to sob and, like, to the ground. And my aunt was like, “No, no, no. You’re gonna be okay. This is gonna be okay.” And she literally, physically picked me up, and she was like, gonna get through this. You’re gonna be okay.” , And that support, , got me through. What I… ended up needing to get treatment for myself, , and I was in treatment for a long time, inpatient for a little bit, and, like at outpatient for months because it was so, traumatic for me.
You know, [00:33:00] John took a view of, I burned myself. That sucked, , and, , I’m feeling better.” I watched all of it unfold and, , you know, I think behind the scenes, he didn’t realize the doctors had him in the ICU because he was potentially gonna lose his arm because the burn went all the way around. and, like, just the fear of all of that infection, you know, all, all of that, I think, , was so much for me on the back end. You know, while I’m trying to keep my daycare running, while I’m trying to make sure the kids are okay, all of that. So it was never about I’m out, I can’t take care of him. I absolutely could and did. Even though I’m a squeamish girl, I learned, and, , there’s never a doubt in my mind that I wouldn’t do anything for him and my partners. I’m good at it. What I struggle with is keeping my emotional self okay through, [00:34:00] through it
Alonzo banx: Cake, you’re…
Patty: answer. I’m sorry.
Alonzo banx: No, it was, it was a fantastic answer. It was perfect. It was true. Cupcake, um, you had quite a reaction to her story
Cupcake: I feel like I, my, my husband and I have a very similar, , situation in the sense that, you know, I deal with my chronic illnesses daily, and my husband tends to do traumatic stuff to himself randomly. , And as as it is and as sad as it is, in December we were in our couples therapy, and I was going on about just needing self-care and needing to take care of myself and needing help with my, you know, the, the responsibilities that I’ve kind of taken on and haven’t really spoken about needing help with, and kind of doing all that. And some of the last words that our therapist said to us in that session was, ” Cupcake, stop doing things. Don’t do anything. Stop doing things. Take care of yourself.” And then she looked at my husband and said, [00:35:00] “Help her. Help her do things. Help her take stuff off her plate.” next day he got hit by a truck. Like, couldn’t write that, you know? And i- it’s tend to be situations most of our relationship, he’s broken his f- you know, pinky severely and had to have surgery. He’s, you know, damaged his hand with a staple gun in a job. And all of a sudden the someone that’s, you know, cause– dealing with everything that I deal with every day is now having t- to be the take, you know, the caretaker, and it is hard.
And I, gone through my cup filling and filling and filling, just like kinda Patty was saying, where, like, as soon as that, our partner is kinda in a good place, that’s when our body goes, “Well, it’s time for you to have your, your meltdown.” , And I’ve, I’ve dealt with that a lot, and that’s part of why I am not ever wanting to be a [00:36:00] burden to other people, because I don’t ever wanna put anybody else in that position of a overfilled cup because of me.
Alonzo banx: Noah, I’m gonna give you a chance to talk. Um, Heather, fair warning, you’re gonna take us out of the show tonight and tell us what we’ve learned. Noah, go ahead
Noah: Yeah, I, I, know, i-i-in hearing everybody talk, what I, what I’m hearing, um, from both perspectives, bo- the, the person who’s going through the actual physical ailment that they’re dealing with, and the caregivers, um, have guilt, surrounded by guilt, right? Um, and the guilt, I think, comes from, um, A, a need to feel like you need to be able to support your partner.
If you’re injured, you’re not able to do that, and if you’re needing to take care of them, perhaps you have other requirements, [00:37:00] children, jobs, whatever, that you can’t always be around for them. And then on top of that, depending on how serious it is, like, like with John, these were severe injuries that he could recover from, luckily, right? As far as I can tell, seeing John recently even, he seems to be a fully functional human being, all limbs, fingers, toes, right? Um, which is great, which I think probably helped Patty, I’m making assumptions when I say this, get through that in the sense that she could see light at the end of the tunnel.
There was potential for this to not always be like this all the time. Um, and I think that’s where get real hard on the question you asked earlier, Alonzo, is it okay to quit? And I think that’s a very difficult question to ask ourselves is, let’s say it was more, um, [00:38:00] like a Christopher Reeve situation. Horse riding accident makes you para- or a quadriplegic, um, overnight, and you will need twenty-four/seven care for the rest of your life. , And now it’s all up to his wife , that’s very, very difficult, and I think our initial reaction is, “Well, you can’t abandon him.” But I think if we’re really honest with ourselves and we put ourselves in that position, that is an extremely difficult position, one that’s fraught with a ton of emotion and requirements and just so much of your time.
Um, and then further, , much to some of the other points that were made about, being able to fill your cup, I think Captain Lynn was saying that, right? , If your partner is in that amount of, , being disabled, , how can they possibly fill your cup the way that you need? And so now this is a very one-directional and I don’t know that I have the [00:39:00] answer for that question, but I do think that it’s– I do think a cut-and-dry answer is probably the wrong one.
Alonzo banx: I think you’re right. Captain Nguyen, go ahead. And, , I’m gonna make a change. , Heather, you, uh, I was gonna ask you to take us out, but John stepped up and said can he. I think he has some closing thoughts. So Captain Nguyen, please go ahead
Captain Lynn: As Noah’s pointing out, like if it’s, if the change in health is so, so transformative in the relationship and dynamics that if we’re already in a poly dynamic somehow and or open relating, there is opportunity have outside, um, interactions, relationships with others that could fill that cup, and I would feel blessed to have that kind of dynamic in a relationship, um, provided my partner, if that, say they’re, they’re the ones that are incapacitated on some level, um, that they could still feel the love and the need that they need from me while they’re [00:40:00] getting care probably from somebody else, I’ll be honest about that. and I can still ful- have a fulfilling life and be in it. I just like, I’m bringing it back to being poly. Like there’s some, there’s some real advantages to having this kind of dynamic and the communication skills that comes with being polyamorous. Uh, so I just wanted to share my thoughts on that
Alonzo banx: Well, I think you’re right, and I can speak personally there. Everyone knows, , three years ago I went through some pretty serious spinal issues, and I spent a year on my back and through a lot of hospitalization. And at the time, my partner and I were not poly. We were, we were being monogamous then.
And, , she was extraordinary, the amount of care and support, and I would not have made it through without her. And at the time I had wished we were, because I was completely physically and emotionally unable to give her anything, and I wish she had had someone that could have taken care of her. So my perspective is it can be a definite positive, [00:41:00] if it works in all the right ways.
I couldn’t have made it through what I did without her. , But yet it was pure sacrifice on her part, and I wish someone else had been there to take care of her. John, what have we learned tonight?
Jon: What have we learned tonight? Uh, I, I believe that we have learned that, uh, that whether or not it’s within a polycule or outside of it with, if it’s our circle of friends and family, that, uh, we can find support in a lot of different ways. And, , I, I think that, , I think that actually poly might be one of those unique, unique ways where there are multiple people who love you enough to wanna support you whatever it is that you’re going through, no- almost no matter what kind of situation, almost. But, , a- and that’s, and that’s something that I really cherish about, , the QE, is that we all contribute such unique things to each other, and that we s- can support each other in, in some very, , different and, , valuable [00:42:00] ways. And, it makes me really excited and happy that I’m part of it, so
Alonzo banx: Well, I, I have a personal request.
Jon: Mm-hmm.
Alonzo banx: Don’t find ways to damage yourself and test this anymore in the future, okay? You’ve, you’ve had your two. Leave it at that
Jon: I’ll, I’ll let you know in a few years
Noah: I’ve got an extra motorcycle if you want. Yeah
Alonzo banx: do not give him that
Noah, Cupcake, John, Captain Wayne, Heather, Patty, thank you for another great night. This has been the Paul E. SoCal Podcast. I am still Alonzo Banks. Good night, everybody
Captain Lynn: Good night
Cupcake: Bye
Heather: Bye