In Episode 61 of the PolySoCal Podcast, the women get their turn. After hearing what the men said makes an ideal female partner, Alonzo Banx sits down with Kim, Bev, Double D, and Captain Lynn to ask the other side of the question: what makes an ideal male partner in polyamory and ENM? The conversation moves through emotional intelligence, communication, honesty, vulnerability, self-acceptance, intimacy, seduction, integrity, and the importance of doing your own emotional work. But the women do not always want the same things. Bev talks openly about menopause and why sexual seduction does not currently resonate with her, while Captain Lynn shares a recent dating experience that looked almost perfect until she discovered she would have to remain a secret. What emerges is not a checklist for the “perfect man,” but a conversation about being present, authentic, emotionally aware, and honest enough to build real connection.
PolySoCal-E061 – What make the ideal Male Partner
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Alonzo banx: [00:00:00] Welcome back to Polysoca. I am super thrilled tonight because we get to do the counterpart to last week’s conversation. I got some great ladies in the house. We have Kim, we have Bev, we have Double D, we have Kat Mulin. And I wanna know what makes the perfect male partner the poly and ENM community.
Now be- before I let all the ladies introduce themselves, I’m gonna say something front out. Michael is on the call with me tonight. Michael and I are here just as representatives of the male population. We aren’t gonna talk. We’re not gonna say anything. I’m gonna open my big mouth and ask questions, ’cause that’s what I do. But other than that, we’re gonna wait to see if the ladies have something to directly ask the men. So that said, welcome back. Kim, looking good
Kim: Hey. Hey, you, yeah, I told you I’m rocking this 13-year-old boy haircut like no one’s business right now. I got hair though.
Alonzo banx: You wanna tell people who you are real quick?
Kim: I’m Kim. [00:01:00] I am actually monogamous, but we like to call me poly-adjacent ’cause I’m learning a lot about this community from some great people. And it’s a better experience than my previous experiences in the community. And I’m meeting some great and wonderful people like the ladies on this call. And having fun. I’m alive
Alonzo banx: And both of those are good. You’re looking good actually. You’re getting your eyebrows back, getting that hair back. Heck yeah. You’re looking good.
Kim: Thank you
Alonzo banx: Bev, welcome
Bev: Yes
Alonzo banx: email box so much after
Bev: ของผมใช้งาน
Alonzo banx: that we’re gonna have to bring you and Michael back again so that we can readdress some of the things that may have been misunderstood by others because… we’ll talk about that later, but welcome. Thrilled to have you back tonight.
Bev: Thanks for having me back
Alonzo banx: Tell everyone who you are for those who don’t know
Bev: Okay, so I’m Bev and I’ve been in the lifestyle for 14 years, and Michael is my partner, [00:02:00] and I’m really just happy to be here, talk about this
Alonzo banx: Thrilled to have you on tonight. D. You and Dante gave a great call a couple weeks ago Say hi. Tell everyone who you are
Double D: Hi, I’m Double D and I am married to Dante, and we have been together about eight years, been in the lifestyle for over six. prior to meeting Dave, I bounced in and out of the lifestyle for about 15 years. and I’m happy to be here
Alonzo banx: To have you back. And we had Dante on last week, so it’s gonna be interesting to hear your side of this conversation. Catelin, as always, thrilled to have you in. Say that,
Captain Lynn: you.
Alonzo banx: hi, tell everyone who you are
Captain Lynn: Thank you. Yeah, my name’s Captain Lynn. I’ve been in some form of this lifestyle for going on 20 years. I think I probably gotta do the math based on my past introductions of self. [00:03:00] Definitely ethical, e- in the ENM and getting back into dating. Actually, I signed myself up on Feld. Oh, I might not have needed to advertise that
But I’m on there, and it’s been quite the experience trying to actually find a companion to start going on adventures with is my current quest or j- or desire. So this is an interesting conversation to be involved in today. So thank you for having me
Alonzo banx: it’d be interesting what your perspective is now that you’re back out on the hunt for someone new
Captain Lynn: Ooh, hunt.
Alonzo banx: to see what you’re looking
Captain Lynn: Ah, I’m hunting. Yeah
Alonzo banx: So on a side note, today is a very important day. Our app is now live on all services, including Android and iPhone. You can find Polyam Radio everywhere. Super happy about that. Sorry, folks, had to give a little bit of a plug there. But with that, let me throw out the question to the table. Ladies, what makes the perfect [00:04:00] male in the poly and ENM community? Who’s got something for me?
Double D: Can I start?
Captain Lynn: Yes, you should.
Double D: I would like to take perfect off the table because perfect is not attainable in ourselves or anyone else, and when we expect perfection, we can get nothing horrible results. So let’s replace that word with ideal
Kim: I’m down with that. I agree with that. Ain’t nobody perfect
Captain Lynn: 30 May.
Alonzo banx: what I find so awesome about that is if you listen to last week when we had the men on and we asked the counter question, was the very first thing that one of the men said as well
Kim: At least we’re on the same page
That’s a good start.
Alonzo banx: So Kim, if you’re not looking for perfection and only going for ideal what are the good qualities? What is it that you want?
Kim: For me, I think someone who, one, can hold a conversation. They feel, that they’re [00:05:00] interested not only in what I do as a person and who I am, they like to contribute and show me who they are and what they like so that we can enjoy things together. and someone who is emotionally aware, which as I am more and more learning about this community, that is– it feels like even more important in this community even than in just monogamy because there’s many more dynamics involved. So being emotionally aware yourself and what you– not just one partner, but multiple partners so that you’re all on the same page on… your dynamics can be so different. I got one dynamic. I’ve got it easy, I got one. But I think being very emotionally aware so that you can be open and growing with the people that you’re involved with, if that’s obviously the way that you need to be involved
Alonzo banx: Yeah. William, what do you think about that?
Captain Lynn: I, yeah, I would [00:06:00] definitely pair it the emotional awareness. I think the thing that’s so important to me is really strong communication. So a-as we move into any relationship with people and we’re getting to know each other being able to speak our authentic truths and knowing what our desires are, or maybe if we don’t know our desires, being able to even say that.
“I’m not exactly clear about what I want, but it’s generally this direction,” and being able to speak to that much and have it be a back and forth conversation so we can explore, do we have a good fit? How do we move forward? And then once things are moving forward, that we have a solid basis for resolving or creating what it is we wanna move into.
And if there’s things that come up, we know we’ve got the tools to actually process when it comes to emotions, because especially in ENM and this whole in, poly world it can trigger a lot of things. And that’s what I love about it and it takes being with people who can be present themselves and what’s their [00:07:00] part of a situation to really move forward and come closer together in processing that.
So communication is big, and it ties into that emotional maturity for me.
Kim: And I think that applies to both relationships and friendships,
On all regards. Communication, choice
Captain Lynn: Absolutely
Alonzo banx: I wanted, Tim, to go on with some of the things that you were saying. I think when you’re in the poly or ENM world, the number of relationships you have are significantly more, and those relationships are, I’m gonna use the word under a microscope more. you have metamours and paramours who are watching how you’re doing relationships with other people. You can’t sweep stuff under the rug as easy. You gotta face some of your truths. Double D, what do you think of that?
Double D: About a year and a half ago Dante’s men’s group asked me to sit down with them and tell them, “What do women want? We really wanna know what [00:08:00] women want.” And so I came up with about 12 points, but they’re, we want your presence. We want you to be present, not perfect. We want emotional intelligence. We need to feel safe. Be real with us. Radical honesty is so important. Own your shadows. We’re not your therapist or your mother. Do your own work Your integrity us on We want you to have your own purpose. We want, we don’t wanna be your purpose. We want you to have your own purpose. Get lit up by the world. See the queen in us and rise into your king. Don’t divert into the frog. We’re, they’re all princes. Men are all princes, but we can help them rise up or we can turn them into frogs. As women, we know we can do this. But show us who you are. Love [00:09:00] us, seduce us, be present with us, be loving and vulnerable and open. I could go on and on for hours. I can go, I went on for two hours with these men
Alonzo banx: I think you just did very well. But I’m gonna hit on two of those points you said. I’m gonna point one of them right at you, Bev.
Bev: Yeah, it’s awesome. I love it.
Alonzo banx: radical honesty, Bev
Bev: Yeah thanks for sharing all that, Double D. Those were amazing points. Y- and Kim and Captain Lynn as well. Yeah, radical honesty is awesome. It’s a way to connect with someone, and I love the idea… let me just say the one thing I came up with was what’s important to me in a man is someone who’s self-accepting. So if a man accepts himself, and accepts himself at the deepest levels, and has done work on of his shame, or all of the stuff that we all have to do work on ourselves about [00:10:00] then he’s someone that you can sit with and be with and talk with and… ‘Cause he’s not gonna project onto you, right?
That’s what I love about my partner, who happens to be on this call, Michael, is he owns who he is. He’s true to himself. He follows his own path, and he’s so easy to be with because he’s never looking to me to fill some hole, so to speak, or, help him feel better. He owns his self.
Kim: It’s totally okay to be a work in progress. We all are. But like you said, own– The minute you think you’re perfect is the minute you most definitely are not. So I love hearing that– the way you guys talk about your partners is great, is– It’s very– it makes me think more about what I want more intelligently in, in a partner. the communication, owning yourself, like it’s– And I think those conversations are [00:11:00] so important. Sorry, I just had to say how great y’all are. Just totally to derail us for five minutes, but there you go. Y’all are great. This is so great. So happy to be here. Sorry, you go, Alonzo. I’m not
Alonzo banx: No
Captain Lynn: I w- I wanna jump in on something Double D said as well about doing the work, that they’re doing their own work. ‘Cause this is so-
Alonzo banx: before you
Captain Lynn: yeah
Alonzo banx: I want to touch on one quick thing. I was gonna bring that up because you used the term working on yourself or shadow work. So as you answer the question, could you explain what that means?
Captain Lynn: That’s definitely one I’m, one of the things I’m coming up against when I’m da- dating on a dating website, is that I’m meeting men that haven’t gone as far down a path of self-exploration, self-love. I’ve done a lot of work the past year and a half on myself and literally took a break from relationships because became very o- obvious to me in my own shadow work that I wasn’t in love with myself.
And so now that I’ve found that true [00:12:00] love of self, m- is– when I meet others that are not… They haven’t done the shadow work where they’re really looking at who am I in the world, and d- am I okay with me? Have I healed my trauma or do I continue to relive my trauma? So that’s, when I’m thinking of shadow work, that’s a lot of that.
And some of the signs that shadow work may be necessary is if an individual finds they get reactive to a situation or a comment and they wanna defend or fight back, that’s usually a pretty good sign that I take a look inside at what’s going on there that you feel a need to do that.
That for me is shadow work. And so when I’m meeting potential partners and I’m seeing signs that maybe they’ve not done this work, I’m feeling that, “Wow, I’m am I… I’m now gonna become the teacher.” And in a few situations where I’ve decided “Okay, you’re kinda yummy looking.
I’ll give this a go,” it’s not worked out well because it ends up creating a power dynamic. Like I’m their teacher and so now they’re either, “Am I [00:13:00] doing it right?” And and like I don’t want to be their teacher. If they haven’t done the work yet, I’d still b- love to be on their journey if it’s worth being, but I want them to find that work with somebody else and do that work with somebody else so they could just be in relationship with me on that path.
So I really appreciate Devil D’s comment about that
Alonzo banx: I think from a, a naive purpose, thank you very much, Captain, but I think I wanna deal with just one level deeper because it’s the definition of the word. toss around that word shadow work,
For someone completely new to this conversation, what does that mean? And how does one work on their shadow?
I turn on a brighter light and I don’t have a shadow anymore. W- it, it’s a term that we keep throwing around and I think there’s a lot of our listeners are gonna say, “That’s a nebulous thing.” What is shadow work? Steve, please.
Double D: Okay, so if you’re feeling into your body in a situation, say you’re with a partner, and [00:14:00] start feeling when certain subjects come up or certain actions come up, and it’s like it’s happening more than once. It’s like obviously there’s something inside that is triggering that reaction.
So okay, shadow work is diving into that trigger to find out when it first happened, why it’s happening, and see what they need in order to move that out of their body somatically and as well as intellectually and to diffuse that trigger so they can be in more harmony with themselves and attain more balance in themselves to move into relationship
Alonzo banx: Okay. So it’s very connected to emotional intelligence
Double D: Absolutely
Captain Lynn: Agreed
Alonzo banx: The haircut
Captain Lynn: I feel like [00:15:00] you’re asking for… it’s interesting. I almost feel like in the past, we would go see a counselor if we felt like our life just kept repeating the same patterns. I keep finding myself in relationship with somebody that’s X. Some kind of… I’ll just say it, some kind of abusive behavior, and it’s a pattern that I seem to repeat one after another, one relationship after another.
And and I don’t want it to keep going that way. So in the past, I would’ve gone to a psychologist or some kind of social helper or that vein of the world. And not to say that work’s not there. I’ve had amazing work and awareness from family therapy work, where I really got to dive into what was my role within my family dynamic, and what did that mean for me as an adult?
But that all comes into shadow work. It’s like understanding what, what happened to me in the past that continues to define what happens for me today. And if I don’t like what that outcome is, like if it’s a repeated pattern, like I keep attracting the [00:16:00] wrong guy then there’s something for me to shift if I want to attract somebody different.
That term shadow work gets attached to that. But it’s, in general, it’s like looking at what is it about my past that I keep repeating? You hear the terms, past recordings. You guys could probably toss out a bunch of other terms that people have used. Shadow work has become very much a, a common term, and I get it.
We use it a lot ’cause we all have a common knowledge about generally what it means. And I, I would add that layer to it. It’s really about healing the past stuff that no longer serves me. Did I get it? The ladies are shaking their heads.
Alonzo banx: A lot of, a
Bev: Yeah, he did a great job
Alonzo banx: I’m telling you though, the thing I haven’t heard yet is Maserati jet airplanes
Kim: don’t make the man, and I will
Captain Lynn: Oh.
Kim: honest with that. Being that I’ve gotten in relationships in the past where the guy was unemployed when I met him, looking for [00:17:00] work, still trying. But I don’t think there’s a time in my life right now that I haven’t been in s- living through some kind of world crisis. I graduated when the economy crashed, so you know, there’s just times when you’re unemployed, but it doesn’t mean that you’re a bad person. It doesn’t mean that you can’t bring a lot to the table. I’ve known men that have made six-figure incomes were dumb as dirt, emotionally speaking cruel, just horribly wretched human beings, and vice versa.
It goes both ways. income doesn’t determine whether you’re going to be a loving, supportive partner. it doesn’t determine that you’re going to show up. Now, are there people out there where we like… Look, do I like to get cute little gifts? Of course I do. I think a lot of us feel special when, if we’re, if that’s your love language to receive gifts or, words of affirmation, whatever it is. Is it nice when they [00:18:00] remember to bring you a little something-something for your first anniversary, your first date? Does that have to be a Michelin star restaurant? No. I– For me personally, I probably think it’s cute if you try to cook me dinner for some guys that means you’re gonna try to burn down my house. But you tried. So your money, while it can bring comfort in other ways, it is not, I think, for a lot of people, and not specifically for me, the determining factor ’cause I do make my own money and if I really need something, I’ll pay for it. I don’t expect someone to do that. if you think your money’s gonna speak for you, you better find the right kind of woman for that ’cause not everybody’s, not everyone’s gonna jive
Bev: Yeah, I think what I heard across the whole profile here of all of us is connection. Everybody’s looking to really connect, right? And, see into the person we’re spending [00:19:00] time with, see who they are, understand who they are, and feel like they’re seeing into us, right? So that there’s intimacy developed and a feeling of yeah, being seen and being understood. And if you can laugh along the way and have a good time and, do all sorts of other things, that’s the icing on the cake. But it really is about connection
Kim: and with that as well, Bev sorry, bef- I’m a goldfish, so before I forget
Bev: Go ahead
Kim: know what y- intimacy means to you as a man. Because women have all different sorts of levels of intimacy. Some women are really sexual. Some women aren’t very sexual. Some women want you to canoodle a little bit before you get into the horizontal tango.
Know what intimacy is for you as a man, know what you’re looking for in a partner’s returned intimacy, and then kinda look for that. Because if she wants to hold hands [00:20:00] when you walk down the street, you’re like, “Ew, sweaty palms,” then they’re probably not gonna jive. So understand and be willing to talk to your partner about what they need on an intimate level, from everything from do you like to kiss in public, know, I want you to hold my hand, know, you- if you snore, don’t, I don’t, can’t sleep in the same room with you, whatever that is. Do we like to cuddle and watch movies? Know what that is, because that brings, again, a lot of emotional intelligence to the table, it helps make conversations easier and will reduce the level of arguments that you can have about very sensitive subjects
Alonzo banx: Oh, Kimmy just took my entire next segment completely over. So thank, thank you. We’re gonna have, we’re gonna have to make you the host soon. That was dead on.
Was awesome
Kim: I’m Dory from Finding
Alonzo banx: D-
Kim: not leave me
Alonzo banx: okay, but that was a very [00:21:00] enlightened goldfish comment, ’cause it was exactly what I was gonna go to next
Kim: I’ll forget what I said in five minutes. It’s fine
Alonzo banx: Double D, what can you add to that? Anything
Double D: I think we all want authenticity, vulnerability, integrity and just we want your real… We want you to be real. We want you to lay your, s- lay your heart open and tell us when you’re hurting, when you’re when you’re ecstatic, when you share yourself with us. Seduce us. Be there for us when we need you. But we don’t need saving, we are solid. Women have come a long way, and we know, especially at our age, we know what we want. We know how to go after what we want. We just wanna meet you on that higher plane where we can dive into the [00:22:00] depths of ecstasy together. But in order to do that, we need truth, and honesty, safety, and, yeah, we need to go deep first to get to that level. But that’s what women want
Alonzo banx: He used the word seduce us. So gonna go down that path. Captain Lynn, you’re giving me that look. does someone seduce you?
Captain Lynn: They play. I like playful people. I know, right? But I, they, they play. They’re playful, and they find ways to make life interesting. And if it’s seduction, the, some of us are very sexual, including me, so I totally appreciate being seduced. And the way I like to be seduced is with a playful “Let’s go do things together,” and make light of life and experience it as if we’re new children experiencing something for the first time and really bringing that out for each other to find life and go [00:23:00] deeper.
Yeah, it’s like what is s- what does seduce mean?
Double D: Light you up.
Captain Lynn: Right
Double D: all of you
Captain Lynn: And there’s a part of me that gets a little hooked is the possibility of somebody not understanding that and they’re taking without permission. So there’s a whole piece about consent, right? That I wanna have trust, and you did speak to that earlier, Double D, about, we wanna feel safe.
So yes, I want to be taken or seduced, but I w- wanna have an agreement about that before we go down that path. And or on some level to show me that you have that capacity, that’s pretty fun, especially on a first date. I do like seeing a glimpse of it, without a doubt.
Alonzo banx: Ev,
Captain Lynn: know, it also,
Kim: I love that like I can, I forget nobody else can see us, so I just love that she’s slightly blushing right now. It’s adorable.
Captain Lynn: Oh, thanks for calling me out, Kim.
Kim: I know. It’s all right. Ca- I called myself out. I have to call someone else
Captain Lynn: It’s warm here. My AC’s broke, and that’s legitimately the truth.
Kim: [00:24:00] Fair enough. It’s 100 degrees outside.
Never mind. She’s just flushed.
Captain Lynn: It’s nine- it’s 98.
Alonzo banx: How does someone seduce you?
Captain Lynn: Who do you wanna ask that of? Kim?
Alonzo banx: Bev.
Captain Lynn: yeah. How do we spell
Alonzo banx: How does
Bev: Me?
Alonzo banx: you.
Bev: you’re asking the wrong girl, and here’s why. Because
Alonzo banx: Come on
Bev: ‘ cause I’m hearing the word seduction and I’m feeling super uncomfortable. I’m like, “Ah, I don’t really know if that’s anything that I’m really looking for, is seduction.” Yeah.
Alonzo banx: That’s important
Bev: I… I think partly just biologically where I’m at in life right now, I’m a menopausal woman that’s not on hormone replacement therapy, so I have, my sex drive is not what it used to be, right? So interest level in sex itself is just, it’s quiet. Let me just put it that way. I’ll describe it as quiet. And when I think of seduction, I think of sexual seduction, and that- Yeah, it doesn’t really land in a place for me right now. It doesn’t, [00:25:00] yeah. So that’s why you’re asking the wrong person there, Lotso
Alonzo banx: Wanna throw that out as a question. Is seduction sexual?
Double D: Not
Kim: think
Captain Lynn: not neces-
Kim: it can be, as someone who has chemically been thrown into menopause recently. so I’m experiencing a little bit of what I shouldn’t quite yet, but I am. I think emotionally for me personally, I can be seduced emotionally. I can be shown and little things such as me good morning texts or sending me good night texts, or you saw a meme that made you think of me, or you walked by a puppy on the street and you know I love dogs, so you send me a picture of this fat dachshund or, whatever it happens to be. me, that’s emotionally seducing me because you’re letting me into your heart. You’re showing me that I am important on the [00:26:00] day-to-day in the little things that you see in life, and that makes me feel seen and wanted. You want me to keep being there, know? And it’s not like you have to teach, tell me, text me 20 million times a day because you’re probably busy, but you took time out of your day to be like, “Look at this fat little pug. Thought of you,” and that makes me grow closer to you. So to me, you can also seduce me emotionally
Bev: And I can get, I can totally, vibe with what Kim is saying because I do think feeling seen is amazing, right? And rare. We have so many relationships and so often, know, we might feel seen in one little glimpse, part of ourselves. But if we have a partner or partners that are, that- that see us and show us that and then allow us to see them too, I- I just don’t know that it gets much better than that really
Kim: Captain Lynn’s
Me with the cat on the
Captain Lynn: [00:27:00] Oh,
Kim: it right now.
Captain Lynn: I wondered if you liked… I saw you reacting to her ca- cam and “Aww,
Kim: She sucked
Captain Lynn: love.”
Bev: You have a cute pussy there, Captain Lynn
Captain Lynn: Thank you. I know.
Kim: it to the world.
Captain Lynn: She’s yummy and delicious and very soft.
Bev: That’s awesome.
Kim: I’m dead. I’m dead
Alonzo banx: How does someone approach you ladies and let you know that they are this man that you’re looking for, or woman, if it’s a relationship? How, what do they do? Without oversharing, without trauma dumping on you in the first five minutes. There’s a balance. How do you do it?
Captain Lynn: I had a recent experience that I really enjoyed, so I was, maybe I can just speak to that.
Alonzo banx: Please do
Captain Lynn: So a gentleman I had, had sent me messages from five years ago. I back- got back on a website. I’m like, “Oh, hi. I really liked what you were saying to me five years ago. I’m back.” And he came back very quickly and immediately sent a face picture, [00:28:00] not his genital pictures, which there’s a lot of that going around.
I don’t know why they think that’s a good idea, because I want that to be a surprise to me, by the way, gentlemen. So just save that stuff for when I really get to discover it for myself, okay? Stop that. Thank you. I got on that little soapbox there for a minute.
Alonzo banx: I gotta interrupt. I got in trouble for doing that once. I was talking to a, a woman online, I said, “I think at this point in our relationship I’m supposed to send you dick pics.” I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon, Dick Van Dyke, Dick Clark, all of the upcoming Dicks. She dumped me. She told me it wasn’t funny
Captain Lynn: It might not have been there
Kim: to see, and again, communication. To me, that’s hilarious.
Captain Lynn: I know
Kim: dick pics and because there’s an animal called a dik-dik. It’s adorable, and I send those to my lady friends.
Captain Lynn: A lot
Alonzo banx: I didn’t mean to cut you off. So he didn’t send you dick pics. He
Captain Lynn: He didn’t s-
Alonzo banx: way. He
Captain Lynn: yeah.
Alonzo banx: mistake
Captain Lynn: No, he sent, and he sent a [00:29:00] picture of him with his dog and and he said really sweet things that told me he actually read my profile and he read the messages I sent him versus a generic catfishing kind of feeling response. So that was a really good start. And then we had a little bit of dialogue and that quickly made me realize he’s r- he’s a real person, and he has a, a head on his shoulders and a heart in his body, and he’s in his body.
And so I’m like, “Okay, then let’s meet.” And we met in person and I just, I spent the time to go into deep conversation. We’d quickly passed over the superficial stuff and started sharing about who we are in life and what we desire. And the fact that he was like, I think like Double D mentioned, like he shared enough about himself that I saw where he could be vulnerable and he asked me enough questions.
Like it was a very shared conversation in our first date. So I don’t feel like either one of us dominated that conversation. And then after that, and then I did ask, I did the whole BDS RMT. I can’t remember all the acronyms, but I walked [00:30:00] ourselves through it to kinda “Hey, what do we want?
What are your existing relationships? I am polyamorous. This is what that looks like for me.” So we had that conversation and I discovered he’s in a relationship that he’s not necessarily prepared to tell them about me. And I’m like, ooh flag. So I put the flag there, but then we continue to have this great dialogue and like I’m like slowly “Oh my God, I’ve gotta fallen in love with you,” like the idea of you, because he was so good at what he was sharing.
And I gave him a little homework assignment, and he just jumped right on it and was sending me all the stuff I desired that I didn’t have time to search for. So it was really fun ’cause he responded to me and I still had to come back at the end of the day and go, “Okay, this is amazing, and I’m noticing myself future casting,” which I try to be very careful not to do that.
But I s- I named it. And I said, “But is the reality is like I don’t wanna be a secret, so where are we at with this other relationship of yours?” And and to be able to speak my truth in that [00:31:00] situation with somebody who was really coming forward with a lot of juicy funness for me, like he wa- he was seducing me.
He was seducing me emotionally and he was seducing me with play, and the dynamic was exactly the kind of thing I was looking for except this one piece. And I guess I share that because he had me down the road of like I was super excited about him, and yet at the end of the day, it was that last very important box that couldn’t be checked.
Because when it comes to ethical non-monogamy I need to know that everybody that’s involved in the circles is aware that I’m in the part of the circle and he wasn’t prepared to do that conversation. I don’t know. I guess I just wanted to share that as an example of how things can go because it was really fun and I’m optimistic that somebody like that can come along again
Alonzo banx: And I think you hit the nail right on the head there. Ethical non-monogamy.
Captain Lynn: Yeah
Alonzo banx: if he’s not gonna tell his partner, not ethical. That kind of breaks that entire thing right [00:32:00] there
Kim: One wants to be a secret.
Captain Lynn: No
Kim: and that comes whether you’re monogamous, non-monogamous, got 12 partners whatever it is. So if that’s how you’re approaching it, regardless male or female, but in this case we’ll direct it towards the, the masculine make a girl a secret. Don’t make her a secret from your partners if you’re open poly. Don’t make her a secret from your friends. Don’t hide her from your family. No one wants to be swept under the rug, like regardless of what it is. And because now it’s like if you’re hiding me, else are you hiding? Or what are you willing to hide?
Captain Lynn: Said, Kim
Kim: do you have, do you have a whole other family in a different zip code? What’s going on? So yeah don’t make nobody a secret. That’s just rude
Alonzo banx: Okay, so I’m gonna go around the table. Double D, I’m gonna hit you up first. You’ve already given us a list of [00:33:00] 12, but I want you to give us the top four. And ladies, if you’re gonna repeat the same thing the other person said, that’s perfect. It just means it’s very important, so you don’t have to be unique on every one of these. Double D, top four things that make the ideal, and I didn’t say perfect, ideal partner
Double D: I would have to say emotional intelligence, communication tools which is part of emotional intelligence, integrity, vulnerability, and just be you. Be auth- authenticity. Authenticity
Captain Lynn: Presence. Be present I like, I’m just everything Double D said, and presence. And just tell the truth, man. I don’t care if it might hurt my feelings. If you think it’s gonna hurt my feelings, you better tell me it then, because now I get a chance to decide if I wanna be in that situation or not.
If I don’t have the truth, [00:34:00] now I’m living, I’m living and moving forward with a lie that I don’t even know exists. I want the truth .
Bev: i, I love authenticity self-love and acceptance. think a man that’s true to himself, he knows himself, and then sense of humor. Love a sense of humor. So somebody that can make me laugh every day, I’m in. And can laugh at himself.
Alonzo banx: yeah
Bev: Both, goes both directions
Alonzo banx: Jim, close us out tonight. What have we learned as our resident poly person, whatever you are. What have we learned tonight?
Kim: I think a lot of women or female-presenting, peoples we’re looking for a lot of the same things in a guy, in an ideal partner, regardless of relationship status. Whether we want 12 guys, one guy, six and a half, whatever it is. open, [00:35:00] be honest, be authentic, and for the love of sweet Jesus, please learn how to communicate properly. everyone remember to wash your buttholes
Captain Lynn: Yes.
Kim: true. Hygiene is
Captain Lynn: do it.
Kim: for everyone. have good
Bev: Hygiene is good. Good
Captain Lynn: Yes. Brush your teeth
Kim: Yes, so And if you’re confused about something, ask a lady, ’cause it’s better not to waste your time and our time if we’re not gonna have a chance the get-go
Alonzo banx: You never disappoint
Kim: That’s why you keep me around
Captain Lynn: Gives me permission to get a little bolder too next time.
Alonzo banx: both double D
Kim: right now
Alonzo banx: Kim, Bev, Double D, Kat, Lynn. Michael, we never called on you tonight, but thank you all for being here in another amazing episode. I am still Alonzo Banks. This has been the Polysocial Podcast. Good night, [00:36:00] everyone