In this episode of the PolySoCal Podcast, Alonzo Banx is joined by Michael, Noah, and Jon for an all-men conversation about what it is really like to be a man in the poly world. The discussion moves past the fantasy version of polyamory and into the harder realities: jealousy, possessiveness, emotional intelligence, communication, authenticity, sex, respect, and what men have to unlearn if they want to build real connection. Michael talks about honesty, shame, and finally being able to live as himself. Noah challenges men to stop pretending and face the emotional work required in poly relationships. Jon brings a deeper reflection on sex, meaning, respect, and the almost overwhelming experience of being loved by more than one person. This episode is direct, personal, and grounded in the reality that poly is not a shortcut around growth. It is often the thing that forces it
Alonzo Banx, Michael, Noah, Jon
PolySoCa – E051 – Men In Poly
Alonzo Banx: [00:00:00] Welcome back to Poly SoCal. I’m still Alonzo Banks. Tonight we got Michael, Noah, John in the house. All men tonight. be talking about it’s like to be a man in the poly world. it all it’s cracked up to be and everything that they advertise on the back of the cereal boxes? Hi, everybody
Michael: Hello
Alonzo Banx: All right, so let’s do the everyone say hi. Noah
Noah: hello, I am Noah. I am in a relationship with Cookie, who’s my nesting partner, and in a relationship with Cupcake, who’s… Both of them are always on the podcast, just not tonight. Just us boys
Alonzo Banx: John
Jon: Hello, I’m John. I am married to Patty. I have a girlfriend named Heather, and I have a metamour named Beeb. This might be new news, and I’m breaking it here possibly, is that is engaged to both Heather and Beeb now
Alonzo Banx: Wow.
Jon: That occurred in,
Alonzo Banx: cool[00:01:00]
Jon: yeah, that was this weekend
Alonzo Banx: Very cool. Michael
Michael: Hello, I’m Michael, and I live with a primary partner, and then I have lot of a lot of intimate relationships of mostly threesomes of around, but a lot of intimate different relationships
Alonzo Banx: Welcome back, Michael. This is what? Your third time on the show with
Michael: Th- third time. Yep.
Alonzo Banx: Third time. Yeah,
Michael: Yep
Alonzo Banx: and John they’ve been around for a, a few of our
Michael: John was on one the last time, and Noah’s, I think, been on both of them, have been on
Alonzo Banx: That was in the number one position for all of them now. You’re up into the high 30s for shows you’ve been on
Noah: I do what I can
Alonzo Banx: Okay, so
conversation tonight, was apropos for me today. I was having coffee with a new friend today a friend who is open-minded but not necessarily in the poly world, and trying to [00:02:00] explain realities of poly.
Everyone’s got those fantasies of what our lives are like, and it’s yeah, that’s not happens all the time. are, there are those good evenings, but those aren’t the, the normal ones. And I had a very long conversation about that of what the realities are versus what the, the fantasies are. Guys, what are your experiences with being a man in poly and first having to explain that to people who don’t understand?
Jon: What do you mean by don’t understand? So men who don’t understand what it’s like to get into poly, is that what you’re saying?
Alonzo Banx: Yeah. Our, friends call– Yeah the statistics right now, and I’ve been working in these a lot for another project, 4.8% of the population in the United States is actively in a poly relationship. Nine and a half percent that they live a polyamorous or an ENM life at some [00:03:00] point in their life, and 24% of Americans say they would like to be. An even weirder statistic is 30% to 40%, depending on the statistic, of Americans believe that a polyamorous lifestyle is now acceptable
Michael: Have those numbers grown over time? It still seem a lot higher than it would’ve been when I started in ’97
Alonzo Banx: Oddly enough, they haven’t. The only one that has changed over time is the amount of people who believe that it’s acceptable. The actual numbers of practicing and again, in another project I’ve been digging deep into this for the last two weeks the numbers have pretty much stayed the same all along. But it’s become more acceptable. Not that more people do it, but more people understand it. So question, John to rephrase it is, you’re talking to someone new. [00:04:00] There’s, someone who wants to be in this lifestyle, someone who is intrigued, or even a friend or a family member that you’re sitting down explaining your lifestyle to
Jon: And you’re wondering what, how I would des-describe it? Or are we talking about the pitfalls and stuff right away?
Alonzo Banx: How do you describe it?
Jon: Yeah the first thing really when it comes to love, so ENM is a big umbrella of course, but when we’re talking about poly specifically, there– the conversation about it being about love is like the one thing that’s like the one thing you have to mention every time it seems like, when you’re approaching it for the first time with somebody. People get so confused, and they immediately go to “Oh my God, I’d be so jealous if I was in that kind of a situation.” And know, they have that gut reaction of imagining themselves in my shoes or something like that. It starts off with that, and and I always end up leaning toward the whole multiple kid thing to, explain the feeling of having multiple people that you’re in love with.
It’s [00:05:00] like loving multiple kids. And and it makes sense generally. Like it clicks for people, I think, when they think of things in that way. But then, there’s this there’s this mono expectation of exclusivity that isn’t there with children. So it’s a hurdle to get over. But but yeah most of the time it’s explaining the amory part of poly.
Michael: Yeah I would say that it it it runs into those two things a lot when you’re just talking to somebody that’s curious more not necessarily super exploring it, but just curious or asking about the lifestyle men or about that, is one, this, this ingrained thinking that is what equals specialness, which equals closeness.
That’s… That without that, then what’s the point? That sort of thing. But then the other thing is just that question so many times of you get jealous?” And it’s yeah. Jealousy is a feeling, and it’s just… it’s like, and it’s a feeling that you grow from. It’s a [00:06:00] feeling that you g- It’s, it…
I equate it to W- ‘Cause so many times, even people that are curious about it have a tendency to be like I wanna build all this safety so I won’t feel jealous.” And it’s that’s trying to, know, sit on the couch until you’re strong enough to work out, and you won’t sweat. It’s like, no, you get in there and feel it and grow from it and do that. And that one is such a big barrier, that whole I don’t wanna feel jealous thing. So I definitely find that as, as a big barrier
Jon: You know what’d be interesting to ask is, do they also feel jealousy within their mono relationship? Which, 100% of people I’m sure do at some point, but
Michael: That is a fascinating question to come back with
Alonzo Banx: Noah, you’ve been trying to get in and say something here
Noah: Yeah, no, a-a-and I agree with both John and Michael. I think that they’re hitting on something really important. And, two things. One is whenever I have this conversation with someone who is curious [00:07:00] or maybe not even curious, they’re just trying to figure out what I’m up to is, listen, poly isn’t for everyone, and it doesn’t need to be.
And so if you’re uncomfortable with it, then that’s fine. You don’t need to be into it. But if it is something that you’re curious about I would say in my experience, the folks that have the highest level of success tend to be relatively self-assured, self-confident people who know what they want.
And that helps them communicate with their partners. This is something that’s important to me. I think that this is something that I need in my relationship. And then you can work that into your relationship or find out that this isn’t gonna work in your current relationship. You need to find another one that– where it will.
And you’ll find the right partners through that way. I think the biggest, question I get is around that jealousy. And you’ll hear a lot of, “Man, I don’t think I could do that. I don’t think I could, allow another man to touch my woman,” or something like [00:08:00] that, right? And I think that’s something that is cultural in a lot of ways.
It’s trained into us as like a mono-normative culture where you need to feel like when you enter into a relationship now that it’s your property. And I don’t think that necessarily is just a man-woman thing. I think the same thing goes for the woman and the man, right? And I just think that the, the biggest hurdle is the jealousy factor.
And if you’re inherently a very jealous person it might be very difficult to enter into this world. I think there’s a certain level of self-assuredness, self-confidence, and confidence in your current relationship in order to be able to move forward with it. And I gave an example, actually, I was talking to a friend about it last night, and I was being a little crude.
But we had– we were talking e-essentially about this briefly, and I said, “Listen, I am so absolutely confident in mine and Cookie’s relationship, for [00:09:00] instance, that, I can watch another man enter her and feel love for her.” And, not that there’s no jealousy, but it’s not something that is eating away at me and burning, and I feel like I’m about to lose Cookie.
I know that when this is over, Cookie and I will come back together and talk. I would be absolutely blown away if for some reason that didn’t happen. But I have that confidence in our relationship, that confidence in our ability to communicate, that confidence in our ability to reconnect that it allows me to temper some of those jealous feelings
Alonzo Banx: I think one of the important things for people to remember is jealousy is normal, is healthy. Everyone feels jealousy. how you respond to that jealousy that becomes the problem. It can be a very creative force. It can be a very healing thing. If you care enough about your partner to be jealous, that’s a part of [00:10:00] your reason to do good things, to step up your game, to make sure that you treat them better.
It keeps you on your toes. Now, if you let it become a destructive force, a whole different animal. So I think it’s not about getting jealous, it’s about how we treat it. But I wanna keep the convers- Yeah, go on, John
Jon: I just wanted to get clarification from you on that, right? So your statement is that jealousy is healthy. Does that suggest that not feeling jealousy is unhealthy?
Alonzo Banx: I think that most people in poly, at least from my experience, have a level of jealousy. Now, you may say, “I’m not jealous when I see another man entering my woman,” because that’s an, a experience that you felt enough times to come back to it and say, “That experience doesn’t make me jealous.” I guarantee there are things that can happen that will then make you jealous, and it may be something like [00:11:00] buys her five dozen roses and you didn’t. He takes her out on a trip to Hawaii and you didn’t. There are other ways that you can get jealous. So not feeling jealousy in one specific situation isn’t being jealous. And how you deal with that more a reflection of you. If you take that as that makes you do better deeds, makes you under- appreciate how much you care about that person, that can be a very positive.
Doesn’t have to be negative. if jealousy tears you apart and you go into a screaming rage and start throwing furniture around the room, that’s, you handling it poorly Go ahead, Michael
Michael: Yeah, I have a, a, a c- a little bit different angle on this. one thing, I have been accused in my past of not caring because I didn’t act jealous. Because I didn’t act in some way that was jealous because for whatever [00:12:00] reason, like for me, a big thing that was a big challenge for me was being truthful, and that was always hard for me, which is the, the poly lifestyle and being comfortable.
Like Noah was talking about it, getting to a place where I was comfortable and could be honest was a big s- that was, that’s a big thing that’s great about poly, is that I’m honest about who I am. But the one thing that has never been that hard is, like from my teenage years, jealousy was something that’s like, “Oh, hello, jealousy.
Let’s have some tea and talk about what’s happening.” So I never really acted out on that and then I’ve been accused of not caring, and that goes to John’s point a little. Even, and you’re right, how we act on it is there, but it’s like you don’t even seem to It’s like I have the feelings, I just I’m also excited.
I also feel compersion. I feel, and it’s like you must not care.” It’s like I don’t see that as a measurement of that, and your distinction about acting on it and how you feel, ’cause you’re right, it’s feeling is a normal thing, with that. And [00:13:00] I’ll go to where Noah was with this, is when I come from a place of connecting with somebody, it’s like connecting from a place of acceptance instead of attachment.
And like in the case of he, that Noah was talking about, my confidence is that I care… m- loving somebody means I care about what’s best for them. So if they had some experience that made them run off and do something different, even if it was hard for me, I would want that for them if that’s what was best for them. So it’s not the confidence that they’ll stick around. coming from a place that loving them means I care about what’s best for them, regardless of what it means to me or not, or how they act with me.
Alonzo Banx: No
Noah: Yeah and to add to that, I think that the, the jealousy component is important in the sense that there are varying degrees of jealousy, especially for varying degrees of acts, right? I find that people who are easily jealous in the sense of, “Hey, that guy’s talking to my [00:14:00] girlfriend,” or, “I don’t like the way that he shook her hand.
It was a little too intimate,” right? There are guys who get irate over little perceived slights that might not have any semblance of reality happening, right? And I have found that those types of people tend to not be very good at polyamory, right? Yeah, you– Right?
Now, being jealous in a much more intimate scenario, I think is normal, and practically everyone will feel some level of jealousy for that. But I think there is some metric that we need to use as far as there is extreme jealousy and there is some jealousy, and some jealousy can be worked with.
Extreme jealousy, if you go into a rage every time someone talks to your girlfriend, you’re probably not gonna be entering into this polyamory life, at least in a healthy way.
Alonzo Banx: Oh, that, that’s absolute. We’re talking about you have to have a normal reaction. And it’s not just men. There are women who, go crazy [00:15:00] because there’s an, an unknown phone number on your cellphone or, men that go nuts because you talked to another guy at work. If you’re at that level, yeah, you don’t need poly help.
You just need help. You
To go find a life counselor and have long conversations about self-esteem and a bunch of other issues. Yeah. So jealousy. you’re coming into this world as a man, curb it, learn it, come to grips with it, but it’s not gonna do you any good if you’re in this world. True statement?
Noah: Absolutely
Michael: Yep
Alonzo Banx: What else do we need to know? What else do we need to
Jon: So
Alonzo Banx: tell men… Oh, go on John, please
Jon: Sorry. I so as a, as a tail thought to that is or, and maybe this is opening up another can of worms, but I think what happens is that you’re gonna that men are going to get a crash course on emotional intelligence and those [00:16:00] I don’t wanna call them…
i’m gonna call it Neanderthalic instincts that you might have to be the protector, to be the guy that takes the girl and that’s yours and whatever. Whatever that is, yes
Alonzo Banx: you off for one minute because you just said something incredibly important and I wanna dive into it a little different. is emotional intelligence? It’s a word that gets thrown
A lot. You used it in a perfect context, is it?
Jon: So I w- I was going to come back to that because the, the thing, the trigger is this feeling of needing to be of more evolved than your instincts, right? So I think jealousy tends to come from some of these instinctual feelings that you might have in the moment. but emotional intelligence, to me anyway, just means that you have a deeper understanding of where that’s coming from, that you can actually start to maybe even manipulate them within yourself.
You can control yourself. You can think of things in a way that’s more constructive that you understand where it’s coming from, that you can communicate it in [00:17:00] a way that is palatable to other people around you and stuff, whatever. To me, it’s like an evolved state in a way. And I think that’s required at some point for you to survive in poly, is that you’re gonna have to get more emotionally intelligent.
You’re gonna have to know yourself better and understand yourself better. And so when those instinctual feelings come, you can process them in a more education– in education– ed-educated way, a little bit.
Alonzo Banx: Yeah and to your point that, jealousy is an instinctual, it’s a base instinct. If you don’t believe that, look at any dog who’s ever guarded its food. There is a fundamental, issue of protecting what is ours. You have to learn not give into those instincts. Noah, you wanna say something?
Michael, you had… You were up. What did you… Yeah, Michael, go ahead.
Michael: Yeah, that, that whole emotional intelligence thing definitely is big. And I’d even flip it to the other side too, ’cause it’s not just we… we’ve been talking about men reacting from this [00:18:00] possessiveness and all that. But the flip side is part of the intelligence is knowing how to manage when you run into the people that you’re having relationships with, reacting in ways and not spinning out and being aware that it’s like, “Okay, that’s their feelings.
That’s what’s happening. Can I hold space for that and yet not get defensive or start changing my behavior to try to mitigate that?” So that takes emotional intelligence too, to me, and it takes that sense of confidence that Noah was talking about. It’s like, “Okay, I hear you. I hear where you’re coming from.
I care about those feelings. I’m also still going to be me and be true to myself in that.” And so finding that balance and being able to handle that in an intelligent and calm way is a big part of this too, ’cause it does, throws you into it big time. Monogamy has a way of shoving that stuff under the carpet by playing it safe
Alonzo Banx: Michael, I wanna go [00:19:00] off what you were saying in just a minute, but Noah, you had w- something you wanted to throw in on this
Noah: Yeah. It adds on to what Michael is saying. It is about understanding your partners in this scenario as well, because if you are witnessing them do something that maybe you’re getting jealous about, you need to be able to understand how to deal with that, and a lot of that comes from understanding your partner, right?
If you know your partner’s heart, when they take certain actions, you can better understand where that action is coming from. Is it out of character or is it in character? If it’s an in-character thing because it’s something you’ve discussed and agreed upon and everything was fine, but you got jealous in the moment because when it became real, things were different, which is fair and valid, right?
It is incumbent on you to be able to understand, “Okay, I know her heart or his heart,” or whatever the scenario is. “They’re not trying to hurt me,” hopefully, right? “I need to come at [00:20:00] this from a mature position of this hurt me. I want to tell you why this hurt me. Can we talk about this so that we can connect better in the future?”
And I think th-that is a, a huge part of this emotional intelligence is just being able to understand your partners and understand their heart so that when there is a miscommunication, you can come back in a reasonable way. Otherwise, you’re j- you’re just arguing and butting heads and screaming at each other, and that doesn’t get you anywhere except for broken hearts.
Alonzo Banx: Jealousy. Emotional intelligence, understanding ourselves and why we do things, and understanding our partners and why they do things. And those circle around the third pillar, which is something we’ve covered many times, but I do wanna touch on tonight. Communication. Communication is the key to everything we do. ability to talk with ours- with each other, to have open and honest conversations. John, how do you [00:21:00] do that? You
Jon: Poorly.
Alonzo Banx: When I grow up, I wanna be like John. John is
Jon: God. Oh communication. Yeah. M- that is a ongoing project and a key piece of my continued growth. I still struggle all the time with it. I, Perhaps one of those instinctual things that I have is I have this sort of protective thing. I ha- when I grew up, I had a younger sister and I was a protective ol- older brother. and, had a single parent. My mother was the one that raised me and, I really got a, a long lesson on how to be a gentleman, how to be a, how to be a man from a woman’s perspective and stuff like that. And I don’t know, my, my whole background kinda was like targeting that. And for me, communication becomes difficult because I’m busy trying to be the protector person and stuff, whatever.
I like to backseat any of my own stuff because [00:22:00] I want to give the people that I’m connected to, the females that I’m connected to, the space to explore and feel safe with their own emotions and being able to communicate their own stuff. A ongoing struggle for me. But but one I’m working on and still trying to work trying to sort it out myself.
But, you may find that if you have the female version of this podcast, that you may hear a lot of trouble with my own communication skills
Alonzo Banx: One of the things I just wrote down, by the way, is how to be a man from a woman’s perspective. You just gave us the title for a future podcast, by the way, so
Jon: Okay, cool
Alonzo Banx: notes right now. John, I think that is so funny because I think everyone in this circle would look at you and say, “You are the master of this part,” and yet you take it so humbly and say, “I’m trying to figure it out.” And I don’t know if that’s not the key. The, the key is working at it. The key is trying. The key is being open and understanding your own [00:23:00] limitations and being humble enough to just keep trying. Michael, go ahead
Michael: Yeah, I think that I think the biggest problem with communication is the illusion it has occurred. And I think that to where John’s point is, it is an ongoing thing, but one of the things that I’ve learned the most about communication is to start to be aware of what is not communication. So it’s like, okay, I may not know, I may be learning what is communication, but let’s pay attention to what’s not.
If I’m upset, then there’s something going on inside of me, so coming from a place of communicating from upset isn’t communicating. It’s projecting something that’s unconscious of me. So when I’m upset, it’s like backing up and paying attention to what my story is, what’s happening with that.
So communication to me is coming from a place that’s calm and from a s- standpoint of being more curious about understanding than it is trying to push being understood. [00:24:00] And it just, that whole sense of knowing yourself and when things come up, looking to the inside instead of trying to work it out in this discussion we may be having that might be getting emotionally charged.
It’s like, let’s just back up and attention to what’s on the inside because that, if I f- Like, there is a sense when I’m fighting it, like you can feel it. You get really, “But then you, and you did this,” and soon as you get into all those details of that, it’s like, just stop and pull back and be like, “Okay, if I’m trying to make my point and be heard and be understood,” it’s like I’m coming from the wrong place. So it’s, a lot of it is just being aware of what’s not communicating really helps going down traumatic stories that then have to be cleaned up
Alonzo Banx: That’s some excellent advice Okay, came into this tonight talking about what men need to know if they’re gonna be getting into poly. [00:25:00] And so far we’ve painted a picture of all the trouble, all the work, all the negatives, how hard. And we don’t do it for all the negatives, folks. mean, there are good parts of being in this lifestyle.
There, there’s a reason we push through and do the hard work. And it is hard work. It’s not easy Why? What is it? Yeah, go on, Michael
Michael: That’s simple for me because I can be me. I can be honest. It’s like I’m fundamentally not monogamous, and so everything I did before this lifestyle was in some way not authentic. I do it so I can authentically be who I am, which to me is the only way to live. I’m not really living if I’m not being who I am
Alonzo Banx: Michael, I’m gonna call you on giving a better explanation. It’s a statement that you use a lot.
Michael: Okay
Alonzo Banx: me. I’m allowed to be me.” What does that mean to you? What is, “I can be me,”
Michael: Yeah.
Alonzo Banx: Michael?
Michael: you for calling that out. [00:26:00] I was r- raised with a lot of shame about who I am. It was like r- eight years of Catholic school. Alcoholic father, c- I said I was raised CIA, Catholic, Irish, alcoholic. and so there was a lot. Like I, I wasn’t honest with my friends.
I wasn’t honest from– honest about, from adolescence. I wasn’t honest about I– like I hid everything. Even in my first marriage, she didn’t know I masturbated. Like it was just over the top, not that. And so there was a big shift for me that happened of being honest about… And so I guess, I, there’s a lot of layers to that, but it’s mostly just that I’m not monogamous.
I’m a very sexual being and and freedom to follow my intuition and make my choices based on a place of autonomy is just like central and core to who I am. And everything I did in relationships before this [00:27:00] was in contrast to all of that
Alonzo Banx: Noah
Noah: Yeah, a- and to add to what Michael said, I think he and I actually have a very similar trajectory on how this all worked out. I basically had a very similar marriage, it sounds like at least partly. I think the– What I’ve decided, and I don’t know if it’s the best metaphor, but it’s what I’ve come up with, is I view not intimacy per se, but sex specifically as like a team sport.
I’m gonna go play basketball or have– play, doubles tennis or whatever else, right? We all have a good time, we bond, we celebrate, and then we maybe go have breakfast or lunch or dinner or whatever afterwards and, do it again next weekend. And I don’t f- and I never have really, and I’ve always been frustrated by the, the narrative in our, [00:28:00] mono-normative culture of treating sex like some holy grail of intimacy, where you can only do it in this certain scenario under these certain conditions, and once you’ve finally met all of these prerequisites, you can finally do it.
Where I see it as, I’m probably being a little, flippant when I say this, but, it’s a handshake, it’s a kiss, it’s a hug or whatever, right? It’s just naked and it’s fun, right? And why shouldn’t we have fun together? We’re only doing this one time, man. We go around the world, and then we’re done, and we should be loving and having fun with each other
Alonzo Banx: John, you had something you wanted to put in
Jon: Yeah. I think I’ve, I think I experienced this almost– It’s like the flip side of the same coin, right? I come at it such a different way. I totally understand where you’re at with that and I understand the that feeling, but I perhaps it’s the whole raised by females thing or whatever, but [00:29:00] for me, sex is meaningful. It’s the only time that I feel any kind of spirituality. I was– They tried to raise me as religious in some way, but it never, ever clicked. I’ve never had that. I’ve never had a feeling of any of that stuff, whatever. I’m a very agnostic type of person, I’m super comfortable with not knowing if any of this is true.
But but the only time that I do feel that is, is during sex or when I’m connecting with somebody. There’s something there, and I honor that with everybody that I’m with. It’s with Patty, where I’m just… it’s part of our marriage, and it’s part of how we communicate physically with each other.
It’s, I like to honor her in, in, in the way that I connect with her. And same with Heather. We’re in this loving relationship where I’m honoring her physically with this stuff. But it could be somebody whose name I don’t even know, and I met her at a party, [00:30:00] and we’re connecting. I still want her– There’s something about it.
I want her to know that I care. I want her to know that I w- want her to feel amazing and to enjoy this moment that we have to connect with each other that we might not ever get a chance to do again and stuff, whatever. It’s don’t know. Gosh it comes from a completely different place, but I’m still having super random sex, it’s like I’m still connecting, You’ve seen it. It’s,
Noah: Oh, yeah. And I wanna be clear when I say this, that I actually feel very similarly to you. The point I guess that I was trying to make was that there is a level of almost like human camaraderie that happens through sex, right? And I do care about all humans, and I care about them when I shake their hands, make a sales deal, or, walk across the street and help an old lady across, whatever.
Whatever it is, I feel a love for my, all my fellow humans. That’s my base level, right?
And I do want everyone to come out of experiences with me certainly feeling good about it.
Jon: Yeah.
Noah: [00:31:00] and, o- on top of me wanting that as a human, I also want that so that it could potentially happen a second time or a third time or a hundredth time, right?
And I’m with you, John. I agree
Jon: Okay
Alonzo Banx: Yeah, doing things the right way is a great way to make sure they happen more than once Michael
Michael: Yeah, I w- I would I would offer that sex is a form of communication just like talking on a podcast or just like shaking hands like Noah’s talking about. And it only means what we put into it. Like it’s not … There’s no intrinsic meaning to body parts entering in sexual intercourse or other ways of sexuality.
It is what we put into it. So what you’re talking about, John, is beautiful if you’ve got that space in it and you experience that spirituality in that. I’ve done that. Some of my most Some of my deepest, most intimate relationships are not sexual, some of my sexual relationships are a lot of fun. And it does [00:32:00] create some closeness just from the s- the standpoint of that, but it doesn’t mean different things.
It’s just what you put into it that … so it’s just a form of communication. And so it may be a more expanded form in a lot of ways, but it’s only what we put into it is what it becomes.
Alonzo Banx: John, so you know, you never said what are some of the good parts?
Jon: The good part
Alonzo Banx: do the… I skipped you on that one. I’m not letting you off the hook. What are some of the good parts? Now, obviously you were just talking about lots of sex, which I think most people would agree is a good part.
Jon: Yeah.
Alonzo Banx: poly or is that swinger?
Jon: yeah, the, yeah, that’s a whole ‘nother layer of I’m poly with a bunch of swingers, so that’s mind-blowing. This is new to me. That’s, this is something that I never had really with another poly relationship, was to be both of these things and to be happily and joyfully jumping into s- all kinds of wild scenarios and stuff, whatever, together or separate or whatever. Absolutely mind-blowing. [00:33:00] But just within the poly framework or the context of poly, to be intimate with sometimes at the same time two different females, whomever, that are in love with you is– it shatters your heart and your mind. It’s just it’s almost indescribable and it’s almost overwhelming in a way if you just, if you allow it to hit you in the right way and stuff, whatever.
It’s just I don’t know, to me magical that you have this moment where two people are wanting to give you attention and you wanna split yourself in two so you can try your best to make sure that everybody in this room that you’re playing with is feeling all of the love that you’re feeling and stuff.
And it’s don’t know it’s truly mind-blowing to, to experience that. And, I have experienced it way more times than my f- than my, than I deserve. It’s just it’s such a, like a gift in life,
Alonzo Banx: you get back in life what you put out
And when you put out that kind [00:34:00] of energy, it comes back. Okay, so as we wrap this up, gonna go around the table one more time. The conversation is what should people coming into this world know? What should men know? Deal with your jealousy, deal with your communication, deal with your emotional intelligence, and there are damn good benefits, and there are good sides that make all the work worthwhile. Michael, advice would you give beyond that?
Michael: Be honest and have curiosity and care about what’s real for the people you’re trying to have the relationships with instead of just trying to lay down where you’re coming from
Alonzo Banx: Lower?
Noah: I would say that the biggest thing men can do is stop pretending. Be authentic. A-and everybody, man or woman, can [00:35:00] smell the inauthenticity on you, and if you aren’t being authentic you will have a hard time in any relationship, but certainly in the poly world, because the people you are working with probably know other people that you’re trying to, have an experience with, and you’re gonna find that the world gets real small, real quick if you’re not an authentic person
Alonzo Banx: John, last words for tonight
Jon: I think it’s very important to try to always make yourself proud in what you do in poly. Try to always be the… try to focus on being the best version of yourself. I think it’s important to trust the person, the people that you’re connected to, and to respect them as much as humanly possible.
They they deserve it for putting up with you as a man in this yeah think respect goes a long way
Alonzo Banx: Michael, Noah, John, thank you for another incredible conversation tonight. I am Alonzo Banks. This has been the Poly [00:36:00] SoCal Podcast. Good night, everyone