In this episode, the PolySoCal panel explores the difference between structured time and unstructured time in polyamorous relationships, and why both matter. The conversation digs into intentionality, spontaneity, coexisting versus connecting, and how different kinds of time can fill different emotional needs.

Through personal examples involving dating, cohabitation, errands, house swaps, and day-to-day life, the group examines how structured time often centers around intentional connection, while unstructured time builds comfort, familiarity, and a sense of family. The discussion highlights how definitions can vary between partners, and why clear communication about needs is essential to maintaining healthy, balanced relationships.

Alonzo Banx, Heather, Patty, Noah, Jon, Beeb, Max

Alonzo Banx (00:00)
Welcome back to the PolysoCal Podcast. I am Alonzo Banks. Tonight we have Patty, Noah, Sean, Beeb, and Heather in the house. Heather came up with a pretty interesting question this week. Wanted to talk about it. End with that. Hi everybody.

Heather (00:17)
Hi.

Noah (00:18)
Hey!

Jon (00:18)
Hello!

Alonzo Banx (00:19)
Okay, so let’s do the introductions of everyone around for those who don’t know so that we’re at 26 episodes tonight and everyone on is a regular patty. Welcome.

Patty (00:30)
Hi, I’m Patti. I am married to John. I am engaged to Heather and I am dating Beeb and I also am dating someone else separately. John and I have been in the lifestyle for 31, 32 years? I forget now. In one way or another.

Alonzo Banx (00:48)
Welcome back. Good evening, Noah. How you doing tonight?

Patty (00:50)
Thank you.

Noah (00:53)
Doing good. I am Noah. I am in a polyamorous relationship with Cookie and Cupcake for roughly the last couple years now.

Alonzo Banx (01:03)
Welcome. John, welcome back.

Jon (01:06)
Hello, my name is John. am the husband of Patty who is on this call. I am also the boyfriend of Heather who is on this call and I am the metamorph of Beeb who is also on this call. I have no relation to Noah yet, but we’re working on it. I’ve been in the lifestyle for 30ish years as Patty nails down to the specific yearish.

Alonzo Banx (01:23)
You

Patty (01:24)
I’m

Jon (01:32)
And yeah, I’m excited to be a part of this conversation.

Alonzo Banx (01:35)
We got the whole poly-q on tonight. Was he Mr. Bede? Mr. Bede, welcome.

Noah (01:38)
I feel hunted, you know.

Patty (01:40)
you

Beeb (01:44)
Hello, hello, I am Beeb, married to Heather, dating Patty, and John is my metamorph. And I think Heather and I have been doing poly for two, two and a half years now, but in the lifestyle a bit longer.

Heather (02:00)
I guess I don’t need much of an end reduction. I’m Heather. You guys know who I’m dating and seeing right now. I’ve been in lifestyle for about 10 years and yeah, it’s been a blast.

Alonzo Banx (02:00)
Heather, evening.

Jon (02:03)
You

Alonzo Banx (02:14)
What’s good to have, you know, is we have like the polycule tonight. That opens up the perfect conversation that I guess, from what I’m hearing, started from you. So the question tonight was one, I don’t know, I heard it through John, it came from you. I can’t trace the whole thing down. So I’m putting it on you. What was the question for tonight?

Heather (02:35)
Structured versus unstructured time and why both are important in a relationship. It got brought up to recently one of my girlfriends was talking about Structured time and how she gets jealous of other partners for having unstructured time and I was like why and She was like, you know doing the monotonous day-to-day things going grocery shopping unplanned, you know

Alonzo Banx (02:41)
explain

Heather (02:59)
being spontaneous, she doesn’t get any of that. It’s all structured. So she was wanting more balance, getting more of both.

Alonzo Banx (03:07)
Explain to me what you mean by structured and unstructured time.

Heather (03:11)
So a structured time is when someone, you know, maybe they ask you out on a date and they plan a reservation and you guys dress up, you go to dinner, and then after that, you go home. It’s a very planned evening or you go to a hotel afterwards, you made a reservation. Everything is planned, you’re not doing anything.

spontaneous and it’s not like you’re going grocery shopping. You’re not just sitting around at home doing nothing. Structured time is usually a reserved time. You’re doing something specific.

Alonzo Banx (03:48)
Does everyone agree with that? Is that how you look at it? Yeah, babe?

Patty (03:49)
Yes.

Beeb (03:51)
Yeah.

Patty (03:53)
Yes.

Jon (03:54)
Yeah.

Alonzo Banx (03:55)
Noah, what about you? You come from out of a different polycule. Do you agree with that overall description?

Noah (04:02)
Yeah, I would say so. And I would say that I might have some thoughts on this, but I’m curious about the existing group here, since they’re all dealing with their own relationships all together here on on the podcast.

Alonzo Banx (04:17)
So Heather, help me out with this. Where do we go with this conversation?

Heather (04:21)
I think I wanted to discuss why both are important in a relationship. I think if I was constantly the person that was always structured time and there was no spontaneity, I kind of like the chilling at home doing nothing and going from there. You know, maybe we just sit down and watch a movie or maybe we go out. You know, it’s up to us in that moment.

And I feel like if it was constantly structured, it would feel less like a relationship to me. I don’t know. I like those day-to-day things, just doing dishes in the kitchen together. I don’t know.

Alonzo Banx (04:56)
Anyone else?

Heather (04:56)
I think if a female

was only getting structured time, I don’t know, it would feel like…

how did that she put it? It’s the girl that Beeb is seeing or kind of dating outside of our polycule. She was texting me and she was jealous that she didn’t have unstructured time with Beeb and that they get to do those things. And I was like, it’s kind of nice that you get the structured time with him because he takes you out on a date or

You guys have set time together. That is a for sure thing. So we were just having that discussion that back and forth

Beeb (05:35)
I do believe there is a way to bring the two together as well. A good example of this is we pretty on the regular once a month, we do a house swap where either John and I’ll switch houses or the ladies switch houses, whichever it is. This last month, was John and I switched houses. So I went to his house and I am

very much a creature of habit where I get off work, I need to come home, sit down for a bit, unwind from work, and then, you know, just continue on. And there’s kind of a set order of things, you know, chill out and we’ll chat or whatever, have dinner, and then the sexy stuff happens later. I wanted to change it up this last time. I didn’t tell Patty I was changing it up and

It was just something I decided. told Heather I was going to do this, but it’s just something I decided. And I came in hot right from the get-go. When I left work, I went straight to her house. I walked in there. I didn’t say much to her. I grabbed her hand and took her straight up to the bedroom and started the sexy time right off the bat. And it knocked her off her game the whole night. She was telling me the next, she’s like, I didn’t know what to do next. Like the whole night you were just unexpectedly, let’s do this. Let’s do that.

Heather (06:39)
69.

Beeb (06:50)
So there is a way it was a structured. Yes, it was a structured house swap date night for us, but I changed it up and did something different than what the normal was.

Alonzo Banx (06:59)
Okay so I’ve got to throw in the question, the house swap, that’s a 24 hour thing, a one night thing, how does that work?

Beeb (07:06)
It’s mainly just a one night thing or it just depends how the schedules work out. so like on that particular day, I left work and went straight to John’s house. John left work and went straight to my house. He spent the night and the next morning he left to go to work and then I left their house to go to work. And then I come home that day to my house. So it was just basically an overnight. Now, if we had the next day off or something, then yeah, it could be longer, but

Heather (07:31)
I’m excited for the next house swap because Patty and I are spending the night together and Beav and John are spending the night together. So I’m pretty pumped about this.

Noah (07:31)
I think I saw that reality show.

Patty (07:33)
I’m

Jon (07:43)
boom, boom,

Alonzo Banx (07:44)
So Penny, you got to chime in here. You seem to be the recipient of this structured unstructured structured dime.

Patty (07:52)
Yes, I like both. I like things that are a little unpredictable and then I also like things that I can count on. B definitely threw me off my game that whole night. I had things planned like, okay, I’m cooking dinner right now and I’m making him some little breakfast burritos to take with him to work and this is what we do. He needs time to…

who can chill and talk and reconnect emotionally and then we will have a meal and then, and he just flipped everything around. and I was, it was nice. I’m not going to lie. It was really nice.

Noah (08:31)
Yeah. So I guess I have a couple of thoughts and a couple of questions. I guess first I want to start with, to me, it sounds like structured and unstructured time is kind of the difference between being in a live in relationship versus just dating somebody. Right. if I’m just a typical high school romance, I’m only going to have structured time, right? I’m only going to be say, Hey, let’s go out Tuesday night to the

You know, the 50s diner and have a milkshake or whatever, right? That’s the structured time. And I think that, yeah, I, it’s hard, I suppose, to have that unstructured time when you’re not just living in the same house. Is there a way that we could really make that happen? in a realistic way, unstructured time with someone who only has, who doesn’t live with you.

Alonzo Banx (09:17)
Yeah, go ahead, Heather.

Heather (09:19)
I come over randomly to John and Patty’s house, not planned and spend the day there. I’ve done several overnights in a row and kind of just lived there. like we’re going over there Monday early and we’re just going to hang out. There’s no plan. and they do monotonous things. go to the grocery store with them. it’s unstructured. So we just.

do what we want when we feel like doing it. So no plan and it’s more spontaneous.

Alonzo Banx (09:46)
John, I’m going to get to you in a second. had a late addition to the call wasn’t denounced in the beginning. is in the house. Max, you had something you wanted to add?

Max (09:52)
You guys.

Yeah, I guess I mean off of a nose question. Would I consider kind of unstructured time for more like for good friends and we used to do it all in college like you had some chore or whatever to do. You had to go grocery shopping. You had to go something and you’d go with them like I would, you know, and so it’s kind of it’s unstructured in that it’s not a date like the goal of the thing is, you know, we need to go pick up some stuff from Home Depot or.

I’m going to go window shop and do some errands and those kinds of things. And they’re kind of unstructured in a way. And it’s just, it’s talking, it’s just, it’s spending more time together. at, know, doing something that isn’t necessarily a date, a normal date activity.

Alonzo Banx (10:32)
I agree. John, you’ve been kind of quiet tonight.

Jon (10:36)
Yeah, so, think my feeling about the difference between structured and unstructured might be a little bit different in that, structured time for me, I think is something that you would put into a calendar really like, like you’re planning on doing this thing. You, it has a title, and, and it could be anything. It could be from a date night or it could be, like sex with somebody that you’re living with where you’re like, okay, listen,

We haven’t been able to connect very much. It would be nice if we could regularly connect and maybe if we put it in the calendar, we can make sure that that happens. And so I think that there is some comfort to that sometimes to knowing that you’re going to have some regular connection with somebody that you’re wanting to make sure that you get time with. And you can depend on that. again, that spontaneity is thrown out. However, within my experience with the four of us right now,

I feel like all of my time is unstructured for some reason. Even though we’re putting stuff in the calendar, I never seem to know what I’m doing until it starts happening. I don’t know what it is. I think I just have so many things going on in my life as a whirlwind of stuff and I love chaos. I think I just embrace it and I ride with it. But I do think that…

Heather (11:36)
Thank

Jon (11:48)
In the end, sometimes it doesn’t seem like I’m as engaged perhaps because I’m not generally the one that reaches out to plan something. I’m kind of the recipient of somebody else’s plans most of the time.

Alonzo Banx (11:59)
You know, I can understand this to me was a topic that I hadn’t really thought about until it was brought up for this call. Heather, I’m going to put this back on you and then Noah and Max, I you want to say something. But I got a question for Heather first. For you, is structured time a date? Is that what you mean? It’s like structured time is we’re planning to go to dinner. Can structured time be I’m planning and coming over and watching TV at your house?

I’m trying to get my head around the definition of what makes something structured and not.

Heather (12:33)
I think Max said it perfectly, like that doing errands together is definitely an unstructured event for me. Patty and I do that a lot together. Sometimes we’ll both have like a laundry list of stuff that we both need to get done. And so we’ll just spend our time together getting that stuff done. and that to me would be considered unstructured time. But, if you’re telling me, Hey, I’m going to come over and we’re going to watch TV and chill. That would technically be structured time.

I think the two have a different feeling for me. Unstructured time to me feels more like a primary partner activity.

Alonzo Banx (13:08)
Okay. I hear you. I’m still a little on the fence as to the intentionality is what makes it structured. I don’t see that. I guess I’m not seeing that line of demarcation. I’m not seeing the point where this was structured and that wasn’t.

Heather (13:17)
I guess so.

I think that’s perfectly put. You’re intentional

about your time. So it’s that structured that you’re for sure doing this at this time with this person. ⁓

Alonzo Banx (13:34)
So Devil’s

Adbrick it here, if I looked at Noah and said, Noah, I want you to come with me and go Christmas shopping tomorrow night, and we’re going to go hit some stores and do some stuff. Structured? Okay, so running errands is structured.

Max (13:37)
Thank

Heather (13:43)
Structure time. Totally.

It can be. That sounded like a date to me. You’re going to go, we’re going to go shopping.

Beeb (13:49)
I th-

Max (13:51)
Yeah.

Beeb (13:53)
I think.

Alonzo Banx (13:54)
Okay, alright, I walked into that one.

Heather (13:55)
you

Max (13:55)
It’s

almost like to like, hey, now I have to go do this and I need some company and that feels unstructured as opposed to like, like that. You’re like, Hey, tomorrow I’m going to do this, this and this. And I want you to come with me. Like it’s very, it’s almost like we’re talking about semantics, but it’s fun to talk about. And I think it’s important to talk about, especially with your partner or your partners, because it’s not so much important that like,

Heather (14:03)
Yeah.

Max (14:21)
There’s this one definition that everyone in the world agrees on, but it’s important to know what your partners need and what they want. And if they’re saying unstructured time, it’s good to know what they mean by

Alonzo Banx (14:31)
Well, for me, and I can speak for myself, it’s important to know that there is time set aside that we are going to be together. That we are proactively working at making time with each other. Now, whether for me, that’s a structured or unstructured, as long as we’re going through the effort of making time to be together. And Mr. Noah, and then Patty, I see you got your hands up too, but Noah was there first. Noah, jump on.

Max (14:33)
Yeah, absolutely.

Noah (14:56)
Yeah. So, you know, in my relationships, it’s interesting, right? So I live with Cookie and I would say we have unstructured time just because we live together. However, really even that’s structured because unless I say, hey, do you want to do this thing? We’re going to do our own things and not necessarily together, right? I guess we go grocery shopping together, but even that’s like we need to go grocery shopping. Let’s go do that.

today at this time, it feels pretty structured. And I know, again, we’re talking about semantics, but it is kind of hard for me to wrap my head around exactly where this line goes. Another example is with cupcake, right? With cupcake, every month, so again, we’re in more of a BDSM style relationship. Every month, she has to come to my house and teach me really how to make a meal, right? She’s an excellent cook. And she comes over and she teaches me how to make a meal.

Max (15:50)
She’s amazing.

Noah (15:52)
So the other day, Cookie, Cupcake and I all went to the grocery store together, but it was to buy the things that we needed for the meal that she was gonna teach me how to cook. Is that structured? Is that unstructured? It feels structured to me because it’s very specific. I don’t really know when I have unstructured time, even with Cookie in my own house. We exist in similar spaces together, but…

If we’re not specifically saying, let’s watch this TV show together or let’s do this movie together, we’re not really doing anything together. We’re doing our own thing separately, maybe in the same space. Maybe that’s the unstructured time.

Alonzo Banx (16:27)
Patty, see you, but Heather, you wanted to jump in if you have a quick comment back to something that was just.

Heather (16:32)
I just felt like

what Noah described was a perfect melody of both. Going to the grocery store and then having that planned time to do that dinner together, then you’re combining both there at that point.

Alonzo Banx (16:46)
Okay. Patty.

Patty (16:47)
I think for me, difference between, and unstructured is John and I have a lot more unstructured time together. We’re coexisting, we’re maybe watching the show, but our intention is just to be in each other’s space, but not necessarily connect. And more structured time to me would be we’re going on a date, we’re setting our phones aside and we are intentionally

connecting with each other in our relationship, that would be more structured to me.

Alonzo Banx (17:17)
I see that. Bebe, I want to let you answer and then I want to question something. So, Bebe, please.

Beeb (17:22)
say a good rule of thumb for unstructured time would be have spontaneity in it. You know, we could just be laying on the couch watching TV. And then out of nowhere, I look over and say, Hey, you want to go get some frozen yogurt? Yeah, let’s go. So we take off that’s spontaneous. See, it’s unstructured wasn’t planned. It’s just something on the on the fly. Again, it generally is going to happen with someone you’re living with. Or maybe if your partner stays a weekend, you have more of that.

uh that more spontaneity but I think that’s a good rule of thumb for um for that.

Alonzo Banx (17:57)
Heather, I see you. And Biba, you just touched on something that I was going to bring up, which is relationships have life cycles. The beginning of a relationship is very different than when you’re in a deeply committed long-term relationship. Unstructured time, to me, the way you’re describing it, is more an aspect of a long-term relationship where you’re not just seeing each other for dates. You’re living together, you’re doing things, and those can evolve over time.

Do you really have unstructured time with someone in the beginning parts of a relationship?

Max, you had your hand up.

Max (18:37)
Yeah. So something that Noah was saying sparked a memory for me from my teaching days and teachers will often, not often, but depending on the level of whatever we’ll set time and literally call it unstructured time for the students. And that’s usually it, you know, it’s like a study hall or whatever, where they’re going to work on whatever they want to work on. Or sometimes they’ll nap. Like literally it’s time that we’re all together in a room to do almost not whatever, whatever, but pretty much whatever.

And I think you could have that in a new relationship. mean, I don’t know that it would happen that often because generally when something is new, you have, as we’ve talked before, right? New relationship energy and all that. And you want to do stuff and you want to do stuff that are together things. But some people are very introverted and it’s nice for them to just, for them to sit and read a book while their partner sits and plays video games in the same room. And it’s really just sharing the space.

Alonzo Banx (19:29)
Heather, is this going the way you thought it was going to go?

Heather (19:30)
which is going to save.

Yeah, I think so. I think clarifying the importance of both too. Like Patti said, I really like how she indicated that structured time is more intentional and unstructured time is less intentional to connect. So if I’m on a date, I won’t answer my phone. Unless it’s an emergency, like one of my kids calling or whatever, then I’ll pick up the phone. But if I’m being intentional on

And it’s usually a structured time where I’m trying to connect to that person. Unstructured time, I’ll be on my phone, I’ll text, I’ll be less intentional with connecting with the person I’m with. That’s not to say that’s not happening. It’s just, it’s a little different how I view the time.

Alonzo Banx (20:14)
I can see that. I think one of the keys for me and you know I forget no one was it I can’t remember it was John and Noah who made the comment about being poly is partly having a love affair with Google Calendar. Okay yeah I mean I think the overarching thing here is being intentional about setting time with your partners.

Noah (20:28)
Yeah, I think I heard that it wasn’t my phrase, but I’m the one that said it. Yeah

Alonzo Banx (20:42)
and making sure that you have that time, whatever banner it falls under, how do you deal with that? I mean, one of things I liked about this conversation, having the the the cue on tonight is how do you all make sure you have enough time in your lives and your jobs and your kids? And some of you crazy people have external partners of this partnership. I mean, how the heck do you do that? Go ahead, Heather.

Heather (21:07)
Well, I know for our group, we tried it at minimum, see the whole group once a week. And we look at the calendar way in advance. but if there’s in my calendar, if I’m looking at my, my calendar, my weekly calendar, if I see an opening where I know John is available or Patty’s available, I’ll text them like, Hey, what are you doing at this chunk of time? I’m available. Do you want to do something? so I check in with them often when my schedules open.

to do something that’s unplanned. So I don’t know, I always make them a priority over anyone else just because time with them is so valuable.

Alonzo Banx (21:45)
Anyone else in the the queue? What’s the name that you guys have for yourself? said you said it. The quantum entanglement.

Heather (21:49)
Quantum entanglement.

Jon (21:52)
you

Max (21:53)
Thought it was the quad for a second there.

Alonzo Banx (21:55)
you

Heather (21:56)
Everyone refers to it as the quad, but John said that wasn’t romantic enough and that it needed to be called the quantum entanglement. John, you could define that.

Jon (21:56)
You

Max (22:00)
just walk through it. ⁓

Alonzo Banx (22:04)
you

Max (22:06)
Yeah, he’s not wrong.

Jon (22:08)
I’m

a scientist. ⁓

Alonzo Banx (22:10)
I love the fact that quantum entanglement is romantic.

Max (22:12)
Yeah, it’s very well defined in physics and

I

Noah (22:14)
Sounds like a quantum leap to me.

Heather (22:15)
Yes.

Max (22:15)
like it. apparently that makes them each what, a quirk?

Jon (22:15)
You

Alonzo Banx (22:17)
Yeah.

Jon (22:20)
I’m probably quirkier than the rest, but yeah.

Max (22:20)
You’re quirky instead of quirky.

Awesome.

Alonzo Banx (22:25)
Noah, how do you guys handle making sure there’s enough time for everything?

Noah (22:30)
Yeah, I mean, we do try to schedule as much as we can. And honestly, we probably don’t make enough time for everything.

Even with Cookie and I living in the same house, sometimes don’t feel like we spend enough true quality time together. And then when you’re trying to schedule, especially as adults and when there’s kids and jobs and forever, it can be very difficult. And I think the biggest thing for us is we often schedule things way in advance.

six, eight, 10 weeks, right? We throw it on the calendar. This is the day we’re doing this. We also try to have some kind of routine. So again, like I said, every month Cupcake has to come to my house and teach me how to make a meal. That’s one thing that we do on a regular basis, right? And those kinds of routines help make sure that that time is blocked off for you and your partner. And I think that’s important.

But yeah, mean, if I’m being perfectly frank and honest, I don’t think I have or can spend enough time with both of them, individually or together. And I wish I could spend more. I think time together is what truly builds every relationship, hopefully good time together, right? And…

Time apart can be important, right? You don’t wanna have every waking moment with your partners, but time together is when the bonds are created. And so as much as I can, I try to make sure I carve out time on a regular basis, even if it’s infrequent.

Alonzo Banx (24:04)
nice, beep, look I have something to say

Beeb (24:08)
Um, I think the, even the little moments are, are good. Um, we are lucky in a situation where both, uh, Heather and Patty have their days pretty free. mean, yeah, they plan stuff, but they’re open. So like Heather and I, meet up for lunch every other Friday. She’ll count, she’ll come to my work. We’ll go out to lunch, some try someplace new. I’ll just be like, Hey, what genre of food do you want today? And I’ll pick a place somewhere by my work.

And we’ll go. and with Patty, same thing. like, Hey, I haven’t seen, you know, I haven’t seen you for a few days. I’m missing you. Are you available to come meet me for lunch tomorrow? And if she is, she’ll drive down and meet me for lunch. And, you know, just the little, the little moments are, to get that time in help.

Alonzo Banx (24:55)
Patty, what do you think of that?

Patty (24:57)
I think that’s pretty accurate. We tend to spend more than just once a week together, but it’s nice to have that at least that in the calendar. We get together probably a few times a week depending. And I really enjoy like Heather and I are both in school.

And it’s really nice to go over there and she and I will just sit and do homework and just coexisting in the same place, helping each other, mostly her helping me by helping each other on homework. And just having that feels more like a family and it’s, it’s unstructured, but it kind of fills both of those. If you think about it, you know, so those, those things go quite a ways with me.

And so I value that a lot. John and I, you we see each other a lot more, but we still, you know, sometimes not realize, like, we haven’t been out on a date in a long time. So let’s go plan that time together too. So, yeah.

Alonzo Banx (25:57)
John?

Jon (25:57)
actually I have a question for Heather. do you feel like your time with me tends to be structured or unstructured?

Heather (26:07)
I feel a majority is structured time together, but like last Friday, I feel like that was pretty unstructured time. So I feel like, yes, we have more structured time, but I do love the moments when you and I get to do errands together or we’re cooking together in the kitchen or doing dishes together. I really like having both, cause those doing errands with you,

it fills my cup a lot. I like that a lot.

Jon (26:35)
I don’t know why, but my experience with you is so different. The way that I end up feeling is so unstructured, right? Like I never seem to have an idea what’s going on when we get together. You know, like I haven’t planned a whole lot. I have planned some dates and I’m usually surprising you with it because I don’t want you to know that I’ve been doing some planning. But outside of that, I always feel like I’m

stepping into a unique situation every single time. And it feels very unstructured to me for that reason.

Noah (27:08)
Is this because she tells you what you’re going to be doing?

Jon (27:11)
That might be it. She’s structuring my time. Again, I am the re… It could definitely be that.

Patty (27:11)
Yes, he does.

Max (27:16)
I mean, there is nothing wrong with that.

Heather (27:17)
Was it brave enough?

Patty (27:17)
you

Heather (27:21)
wasn’t

Patty (27:21)
You

Heather (27:22)
brave enough to say that out loud on my own, so thank you, Noah.

Alonzo Banx (27:24)
you

Jon (27:26)
You

Max (27:27)
And no one might not appreciate it, but I appreciate it when women do that.

Jon (27:33)
You

Heather (27:33)
I do feel that I am very assertive and I know what I want and I know what I like. So I tell John exactly what I want and so it’s not my fault you give me what I want all the time.

Max (27:42)
You

Jon (27:45)
All

Max (27:46)
love,

we’re all watching Beeb nod his head as well.

Patty (27:46)
And Pete and Patty.

Alonzo Banx (27:48)
⁓

Jon (27:49)
Hahaha!

Alonzo Banx (27:49)
For those

at home, Bebz eyes got quite large and nodding away through that hole. Mr. Bebz, you gotta have a reply to that.

Max (27:51)
you

Jon (27:56)
You

Beeb (27:57)
You should, you should.

Max (27:57)
I would say there was somewhere between a grin and a smile

on his face too. So not a negative way. Ooh.

Beeb (28:00)
You should try telling her no. You should try

Jon (28:01)
Yeah

Beeb (28:04)
telling her no. You

get the whining and the pouting.

Heather (28:08)
Thank

Jon (28:08)
That’s kind of a turn on for me.

Max (28:08)
she gets bratty?

Noah (28:08)
There’s nothing wrong

with the roadmap, you know?

Alonzo Banx (28:11)
So I’m taking it Mr. B that Ether gets her a structured or unstructured time.

Jon (28:11)
Ugh.

Heather (28:15)
What was that?

Alonzo Banx (28:17)
Heather gets her structured or unstructured time. She makes sure of it.

Heather (28:20)
Yeah, you typically I

get what I want, but I work hard for it. Okay.

Jon (28:26)
Yeah.

Patty (28:26)
you

Alonzo Banx (28:27)
I’m

Jon (28:27)
Yeah.

Heather (28:28)
Put in the work.

Max (28:29)
I think we all believe you deserve

to get what you want. We all deserve to get what we

Jon (28:32)
You

I’m starting to feel like that grandpa that you take with you on road trips and stuff, you know, like, come on, grandpa, this is where we’re going today.

Max (28:42)
Hey,

but you’re enjoying it, right?

Jon (28:45)
Yeah, I love the destination every time. love the road trip too.

Max (28:49)
I’ve accepted that I’m a dirty old man and it’s fun.

Jon (28:53)
Yeah.

Alonzo Banx (28:54)
Okay, so last thoughts on this topic. Let’s go around and get some ideas. Mr. Noah, what do you think about this conversation? How do you deal with structured and unstructured time? And how do you see that definition?

Noah (29:08)
Yeah, I mean, if I’m being real honest, I didn’t think about it a lot until this conversation. Now I’m suddenly feeling like I’ve got some work to do. think, you know, I, you know, if I’m being specific, I think I need to probably spend a little bit more structured time with cookie and a little more unstructured time with cupcake. And I am still struggling with how, and maybe I to talk to Heather and get some advice, but I’m struggling with how I can.

structure unstructured time with cupcakes since we don’t live together but I’m sure she can give me all sorts of tips.

Alonzo Banx (29:42)
Nice.

Beeb, what are your thoughts?

Beeb (29:46)
say just keep in mind nobody wants on both the guy side or the girl side wants the same thing all the time you’re gonna want some spontaneity some mixing things up so just try your best to to mesh the two the structured and unstructured don’t be such a creature of habit which I know we all can be and you know just try to change things up

Alonzo Banx (30:08)
I agree. Heather, I’m going to let you close this out tonight, so means I’m going to go to Max for any last thoughts on this topic and then then John. Max, what do you think?

Max (30:18)
I mean, yeah, I think it’s important to understand what your partner or partners want and need and think unstructured or structured time is. So you’re doing your best to what you can provide for them and then, you know, communicate to them what your needs are. And if you say it in another way, like, Hey, you know, I’d like to have time where we just, you know, do monot, do monotonous things together. Cause it makes it more fun for me to deal with my monotonous stuff.

do if you’re just around more and we can set some time or anything like that. And what I found too, like it goes for regular adult friendships, like, um, and kind of taking what I can get, you know, like, Hey, if I can meet for lunch and we can hang out for 30 minutes and before someone has to go back to a job, great, you know, not just always trying to be this big thing, getting the whole gang back together, you know, you get one or two people and you know, you take the bites you can of the time you can.

Alonzo Banx (31:11)
Okay, Patty,

Patty (31:15)
Unstructured time makes me feel more like a real relationship in a way, and family. Structured time fills my love cup, so I value both and crave both of those things.

Alonzo Banx (31:27)
I think that’s an important statement. It makes you feel more like a family. The unstructured time is the stuff that happens in real world in between the dates. And there’s definitely a different feel to it. I still have an issue with the terminology. I’m not sure I totally subscribe. But there is definitely a difference in how you relate to people in the quiet times in between the big dates. John?

Patty (31:32)
Yes.

Yes.

Jon (31:55)
so my takeaway from this is that you can experience this in whatever way it seems that you want to experience it. So, you know, we could be unstructured in your approach on the time that you have with somebody or be more structured in the hallway in the way that you want to approach it. But, and while I think that it is important for you to kind of discover that with your other person, I think it’s also equally important that you communicate your own needs and stuff like that too. So, I think that that’s a two way.

street of understanding each other. don’t definitely don’t wait for somebody to ask you what you need.

Alonzo Banx (32:28)
I think that you just said on something really important is to make sure that your partners know what you need, what kind of time, what is it that, as Heather said, fills your cup. Heather, summarize tonight for us. Take us out of the show.

Heather (32:42)
⁓ I

think my biggest takeaway from this evening was Patty’s comment on structured versus unstructured time being intentionality. So if it’s a date, I’m not going to be on my phone. I’m being intentional with my time and trying to connect with this person. Unstructured time, I’m sitting around maybe playing my new video game while Beav is on my lap playing his phone or whatever. And both are important.

would say the unstructured time, like Patty said, makes me feel more like a partner in a sense of like working as a, like, what did she say, Patty? What did you say?

Patty (33:23)
It just makes me feel more like a family, like a- ⁓

Heather (33:26)
That’s them.

Patty (33:27)
Like there’s a certain level of comfort you have to have in, to me, in my experience, in a relationship to have what I would consider unstructured time where we’re both just on our phones, laying in bed, watching a show. There’s a certain level of comfort that I have to have within a relationship to allow for that. If I have a significantly less amount of time with somebody and I only see them once,

a week or once every couple weeks, that isn’t going to be there for me.

Alonzo Banx (33:58)
Heather?

Heather (33:58)
Yeah, I mean, I think both are really important. And I think if you have too much of one, then you’re falling short on another. And sometimes it is hard to find that balance for some people, Noah, totally open to helping you out. it’s important to incorporate both into a relationship and, you know, doing those unstructured things, you really see how well you work with your partner.

Patty (34:14)
Thank

Heather (34:25)
so.

Alonzo Banx (34:25)
I think the biggest takeaway for me tonight is making sure to make time. Whatever kind of time it is, whatever kind of time it is that your partners need. The intentionality is to make the time in whatever form people need it. Thank you everyone. It’s been another awesome night. This one is 27, episode 27 tonight. We’ve been doing this now for a while.

Patty, Max, John, Noah, Bee, Heather. Thank you. I’m Alonzo Banks. This has been another PolysoCal podcast. See you all next week.