Can someone be polyamorous for years and then return to monogamy? In this episode, the PolySoCal panel explores what happens when relationship styles change over time. Some guests believe that once you’ve experienced loving multiple people, that understanding never truly leaves you. Others share their journey from polyamory back to monogamy and why that choice ultimately felt right for them. Through personal stories, the discussion touches on identity, authenticity, relationship agreements, personal growth, and the challenges of balancing your own needs with the needs of the people you love. Whether you’re poly, monogamous, or somewhere in between, this conversation explores what it means to choose the relationship style that fits who you are today. 

Alonzo Banx, Noah, Cookie, Michael, Jon, Kat, Quinny 

PolySoCal 47 – Going back to Monogamy

Alonzo banx: Welcome back to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am still Alonzo Banks. We have a pretty full house tonight. We got six people in tonight other than me, which is great. And we’ve got a pretty interesting topic. The, the question tonight is going back from poly to monogamy, can you, does it work, and why? Hi, everybody
Noah: Hey
Michael: hello
Jon: No
Alonzo banx: Yes. Okay, so, we have a new voice in the house and a relatively new voice in the house, only on his second time with us. Michael, say hello Tell us who you are
Michael: Um, I’m Michael and, um, I live with a primary partner and I have a lot of, um, other relationships. I have a, I have a special connection with three, so I have a lot of like three-sided relationships, I guess I would put it
Alonzo banx: It’s great to have you back. This is your second time with us tonight.[00:01:00] 
Michael: time, yeah
Alonzo banx: And tonight, Noah, is an important night. You have now taken over, as of tonight, the most featured voice on our podcast
Noah: Fantastic. That’s great news. I plan to keep this lead, uh, forever, till infinity
Cookie: This was his plan all along
Alonzo banx: So tell everyone who you are, Noah, like everyone doesn’t know
Noah: Yeah, I’m Noah. I’ve been, uh, poly for over a few years now, three or four at this point. Um, I am currently nesting partners with Cookie, and our other partner, Cupcake, who’s not on the podcast tonight, um, is also, um, in, uh, her own marriage with, uh, his own partners, and that’s kind of our dynamic.
Alonzo banx: Let’s stay inside the poll. Yule Cookie, to have you. We don’t get you on here enough
Cookie: never catch up to Noah, but, uh, I’m Cookie, partners [00:02:00] with Noah and Cupcake. Um, we are, you know, kinda still feeling new to doing this even though we’ve been at it for a little while now. Um, but yeah, we’re here for the adventure you know, the possibility of more partners in the future is always there, but we, uh, we’re a happy little, little group.
Alonzo banx: Good to have you tonight. Let’s go to the, the other old man in the group, and I’m just giving you a hard time. J- you’re here alone. There’s no one else repping with you in your, uh, in your polycule tonight
Jon: all alone today. Uh, yes. Uh, so I’m John. I’ve been on a few times. Uh, I am married to Patty, who, , sometimes co-hosts, and Patty is, , engaged to my girlfriend, Heather. , And then, , I have a metamour named Bebe, and, , we’ve been together for about two years now almost. Um, but I’ve been poly for probably about [00:03:00] 32 years now
Alonzo banx: Great to have you back tonight. Okay, so we have a new voice tonight, and don’t worry Kat, I’m saving the best for last. Quinny Welcome
Quinny: I’m so sorry if my… Okay. Hi
Alonzo banx: Hi. Tell us who you are. Tell us your story
Quinny: Hey, I’m Quinny. Um, I’m actually not polyamorous. I was polyamorous for, ooh, it’s, like, wanna say s- five years, six years. Uh, and I, um, stopped being polyamorous in the last three, four-ish years. , I am currently engaged and living with my partner. and I had, had a lot of, got a lot of good times with it, and I wanna, I’m excited to talk about it
Alonzo banx: Well, good. Considering the topic tonight, I think that’s a very relevant cat
Kat: Hello. Glad to be back. Uh, my name is Kat, and I, um, have been polyamorous in the past. I’ve been in a relationship for six years with my [00:04:00] partner. We started out, uh, being polyamorous, and we are now monogamous
Alonzo banx: So the question tonight is really twofold. It’s about going from being poly back to monogamy and the realities of doing that. Does it work? And do you ever truly lose the mindset? I’m gonna give you a little background. I was a smoker for 30 years of my life. I quit over 25 years ago. Haven’t touched one since. But if you ask me, I’m still– I smoke still. I haven’t touched one in forever, but in my soul, that’s still part of who I am, and that’s how I think. Is monogamy and poly the same way? When you, when you go back, do you still think that you’re poly? Who’s got something for me? Go ahead, John
Jon: I, I think I might have an unpopular opinion about this, but, uh, I think once you get the bug, you’re stuck with it. Um, [00:05:00] I feel like you can practice, uh, monogamy afterwards, but, uh, I think once you kinda taste the elixir, I think you’re kinda hooked to it
Alonzo banx: Do you think that’s from a, um, practicing standpoint or a, or a I am kind of a soul-based reality? When you say you don’t go back, do you say you can’t get back being happy and being monogamous? Or in your soul you still feel that way
Jon: Uh, I th- I think you can be happy monogamous, of course. , I, wouldn’t say that. I wouldn’t… And I’m not talking about really the practice of it. Like, you can practice whatever you want in the moment, whatever it calls for. But, , as far as how you might be able to, , kind of identify yourself,
um, the way that I would, , I would describe that is, is, , really that you’re, that once you kind of know that you have the capacity to love more than one person, I think that that kind of identifies you in a, in a way. , I [00:06:00] think, I do think sometimes it can get too hard for some people maybe, and that’s why somebody might wanna move back into a mono type of relationship.
But I think once you’ve experienced that ability to love more than one person, I think that you can probably, , identify yourself as that type of person
Alonzo banx: Michael, you have something you wanna add?
Michael: Yeah, well, and I’m really curious to hear from Quinny and Kat about this since they’ve– are currently in that. And I would say it matters on the person that’s there. And the experience I had is when I was about three years in, connected with somebody that I was friends with that knew all about my lifestyle and all that, but she w- And we took it from a, like, six-year friendship to a more intimate relationship. And she’s like, “Yeah, I just can’t do that.” And it felt like an opportunity to have a deeper relationship than I’d ever had in my life, so I chose that. And for four years, we created something on the outside. Like, we built a home and a [00:07:00] life and on– and had friends, and on the outside, all of it looked great.
And for her, it seemed to work. And, um, for me, and this is just personally to me, was like, on the inside, it was not working for me at all because I was trying to do something that isn’t true to who I was. So I think it depends on who the individual is because trying to, trying to limit that and play within that for me was just– like, it’s just fundamentally not who I am. So no matter how good the relationship was, there was still something, like, leaking out the bottom that, that caught up to me finally
Alonzo banx: Tell me about it didn’t work for me. What, what didn’t work?
Michael: What, what didn’t work was playing by the rules of monogamy. It didn’t work to, to limit my connections with other people based on we have these, you know, rules. It w- it wasn’t even just physical. It’s like you can’t get too intimate. Like, there, there was [00:08:00] just this, you know, what would be reasonable within the r- realms of monogamy rules.
And it’s like I just, I like to connect with people as deep as I can in whatever way shows up and whatever’s authentic to the people involved. And the fact that I was limiting that and, and I was so committed and, and felt so good about the relationship, I was trying, and then I just found myself like six months, I couldn’t sleep at all.
That’s when it caught up to me. It’s like I just, I can’t sleep. And it was like because I couldn’t keep trying to override it and trying to make myself be something that I wasn’t
Alonzo banx: Cookie, you had the reverse experience 
Cookie: coming from my previous marriage, which was more of just a relationship with a little marriage on the end, I I recognized that I could be with someone and be comfortable with them, and I could almost be in a somewhat intimate roommate [00:09:00] situation with, with a lot of people.
And I found that, you know, not only with my ex, but with previous, you know, boyfriends and partners I had been with that were just by default in that monogamous structure, that that would be kind of what I would gravitate to. And I didn’t really get to explore, you know, real
Kat: Mm-hmm.
Cookie: feelings, real intimacy feelings.
That was kind of something I didn’t really get to experience until I met Noah. and that was a very, like, world-opening type of experience where I feel like I didn’t really get to have that honest assessment even before I had my first relationship of the degrees of intimacy and, and the depth of intimacy I could have with people before I chose my first partners. , And I think, you know, in, in each of those instances that I would find a partner, I would still just naturally kind of start falling in love with a friend or, like, start falling in love with, with new people that I’d meet. Like, there was this kind of predisposal [00:10:00] to, to taking that path with people, and it felt very natural.
It felt very authentic for me. , And the monogamous structure always placed this kind of pressure on me. Like, “I shouldn’t be allowed to do that. I need to be really careful about that. That’s the danger zone.” , And, and that part felt inauthentic to, to how I really felt about those situations unfolding.
And, you know, despite being a very caring and empathetic person and someone who cares about my partners, , I’d repeatedly have instances where it would just get so desperate that I couldn’t tell them about these feelings that I would kind of cheat. I would have just a, a slip-up. , And that was also telling to me where like, wow, like, as a very controlled person i-in this moment, like, I still couldn’t, stop that.
Like, maybe I need to honor that is kind of, like, the, the thought pattern that I kind of arrived at. and then yet getting to meet Noah, someone who kind of had some of the same interests in exploring intimacy with more people, , was very eye-opening. And, and when I think about is it [00:11:00] possible to return to a monogamous state, I almost think no because that wasn’t even right for me to begin with in a way. Like, I could see operating in what would appear as a monogamous structure, but I’m not sure that I would have returned to this, “No, it must be this one-to-one person scenario. My intimacy can only be explored with this one person.” Uh, that just feels, you know, wrong and, and limiting to me. So, , it-it’ll be interesting to hear from people who have kind of taken that path, , if that kind of aligns.
Alonzo banx: Do you ever see yourself going back?
Cookie: And yeah, I’m not even sure I’d be going back. Like, like you’d almost ask, be asking it like, “Would you ever consider regressing?” You know? “Would you ever consider unknowing what you know now?” And it’s like, no, definitely not. Definitely not. I wish I knew this much sooner, for sure. I wish, I wish this was apparent in late elementary school, middle school, when you just start flirting with people, you know?
It… Things could have been drastically different, I would say.
Alonzo banx: Well, speaking about starting things early, John, hold on, I [00:12:00] just want to get to you with that. But Quinny, you had something you wanted to add. You went the other way. So give us a little backstory. Tell us did you start, being in Poly and when did you go back? Why?
Quinny: Yeah. So I started, uh, I didn’t, I had no idea what polyamory was until I was about 17, 18. um, my introduction to it was a little wild, , ’cause my partner at the time had cheated and then said, “Hey, we should be open.” And I was like, “I don’t even know what that means.” And so we ended up just doing that. I thankfully met, , someone who really showed me the, like how loving it could be and how much it, could create like a safe space for, especially I was so young, like meeting different people. I had a lot of different feelings for different people. I think I loved the openness and the idea of learning more of my own personal boundaries, and being able to have a community of people, and community mattered so much to me. And then I think I left it because [00:13:00] I knew that, like similar to what other people have said, like deep down that feeling of you know who you are, and I knew it just wasn’t who I was. And I kind of realized that going into I think the last poly relationship I was in. I was like, “This just isn’t, it isn’t working for me anymore,” that kind of thing
Alonzo banx: How long have you been, or do you even consider yourself non-poly or monogamous?
Quinny: I think since, um About four years ago, uh, was I, like, officially, like, told my friends in the circle and people, I’m like, “Hey, I’m not poly.” I had a conversation with my partner at the time of like we both kinda came together and was like, “Do we really want to keep doing this?” And we both kind of looked at each other and we’re like, “Oh, no, we don’t. We actually really don’t.” I was comfortable with it. It felt kinda like a weight off my shoulders for a second ’cause I, it- I knew that it’s something in deep down was like, “Hey, this isn’t [00:14:00] you. There is nothing wrong with it if it is, but it isn’t.” that was kind of… So I’d say it’s been like four years since I, like, kind of talked to my friend, and a lot of my friend group is poly, and like people I know, and so I was like, “Hey, this is, like, weird, but
Alonzo banx: How long were you Polly? How long did you practice?
Quinny: S- so I started around, I think I discovered it and into a polyamorous relationship when I was about 18. So it was about five years, and then the last three
Alonzo banx: You think you’d ever go back to being poly again, or do you think you have made the decision, “I am a monogamous person”?
Quinny: You know, I don’t think it’s so black and white in my brain. I think sometimes I think about it, and other times I’m pretty sure about it. Um, but I think as of right now, no, I don’t think I would go back to it
Alonzo banx: What is it about monogamy that pulls you greater than polyamory?
Quinny: For me it was, [00:15:00] I felt like I didn’t have the time, but it also was just an instinct. Um, I’d never really considered myself to be about like one person. Um, but something just, I don’t know how to, something just kinda changed, you know? Um, occasionally you meet and, I don’t know, it just kinda changed my perspective
Alonzo banx: John, I’m gonna put words in your mouth. You were born poly, found your, your love mate who was poly with you when you were what, seven? And now you guys have been together for a lifetime and a half. So you’re kind of a bad example of going back to monogamy, but
Jon: Oh, no. I was be- so before I met Patty, uh, I was in a relationship for four years and, uh, although it was a nightmare, it was, uh, it was all kinds of monogamous and it [00:16:00] was filled with jealousy and, and lack of trust and all the worst things that you could throw into a relationship mixed together. It was a, it a bad relationship smoothie and,
Alonzo banx: And that was, what? Late teens until early 20s
Jon: Yes. Yes. Um, yeah, I ended up meeting Patty when she was 19, and I would’ve been 24 at the time. Um, and we kinda hit the ground running with… It wasn’t really poly so much, it was more swinger and, you know, just general ENM and stuff, whatever. But, uh, um, after, after having been in a relationship for four years where jealousy was kind of the way that we expressed any kind of interest in each other or whatever, you know, like, that was- it was, like, s- founded on jealousy.
Um, I had taken a year off of being in relationships and kinda tried to redefine myself a bit. And so when I met Patty, I was like, slate, let’s try something different. I’m just gonna [00:17:00] trust first, and I’m gonna start with that and respect.” And then, and just a whole different way of handling my relationship and, and it led right into exploring fantasies and interests and stuff, whatever, that revolved around more than one person, uh, or more than two people.
Um, so yeah, once, once we started floating around that, finding out that, , swinging is fun, but it’s not that, , sometimes always, , emotionally fulfilling or maybe even feeling a little bit dangerous sometimes in, in how you might, you know… How- however strong Patty and I were, it wasn’t necessary- necessarily true of the people that we were meeting.
So involved with people that we didn’t really fully or understand got a little bit shaky. So when we, then we discovered polyamory after that, and made a lot more sense suddenly. But yeah, lots of evolution.
Alonzo banx: But you and Patty have had times where you just step back from the lifestyle [00:18:00] for a while to focus on yourself.
Jon: Yeah. Yep,
Alonzo banx: that not the same? Is that not experiencing monogamy for a while you did a reset and kind of solidified your relationship?
Jon: Um, yeah, I mean, it, it’s practicing monogamy perhaps, uh, is a good way to describe that. But I think, , underlying all of that was knowing that we had come out of a five-year relationship with another couple and, and had a sort of a yearning to have that back at some point, too. But, , you know, kids having been a certain age and, and, , life just getting crazy and stuff, whatever, and, , our communication thumb sometimes would, , roller coaster a little bit.
So, , there was definitely a time there when we took a break on, on really jumping into all of that, it is complicated. But, , , but yeah, once, once things kind of cleared the, the runway again, we took off for another flight
Alonzo banx: Kat, went the other way. [00:19:00] You were poly, then came back to monogamy. But let’s go back before that. When did you become poly?
Kat: Yeah, so I’ve kind of, um, not– I don’t wanna say it like a yo-yo. For me, my experience in polyamory is very fluid. , I feel like, you know, it’s kind of a spectrum for me because I was… A little bit of background, I was raised very traditional, nuclear family, Christian conservative household, very monogamous. , But in my heart, in high school and such, I always had multiple crushes and multiple Valentines, and it really confused me because deep down, you know, I’m like, “Oh no, I’m only allowed to like one person at a time.” So it’s very conflicting for me. , So, so I just kind of shut that part of me out. , And I was monogamous in all my other relationships.
And then my current partner, I met him in 2020. [00:20:00] So that is when I started to really experience and dabble in polyamory. , Honestly, I didn’t really know there was a word for it until then. I just thought that I was broken in some way, you know what I mean? Because I was so heavily ingrained in monogamy is the way. , So one, it was refreshing to know that I am not the only one who experiences these things and there’s actually a na- a, like, a name for it, you know? , But then it also a whole new, like, world, you know, opened doors for me, , because I really got to experience what, what that meant. And, , it was, it was hard, you know?
It was hard at first, , because I had these thoughts and desires that I wanted to explore, but I also had a lot of traumas and a lot of hurt and insecurities that I carried with, with myself as well. And, , I feel like the poly dynamic that I was experiencing at the time was a little bit rocky, and I don’t think either one of us really had healthy boundaries with ourselves or with each other.
And so the– that road of polyamory, , it wa- it was bumpy. It [00:21:00] was bumpy for sure. , And we tried it out for a little bit and I I don’t… It just one day, , he was, my partner said, “I don’t think I wanna practice polyamory anymore.” And, , I was a little caught off guard, for sure, , because we had been polyamorous for the majority of the relationship. I would say four, ’cause we just hit six years this year. For me, because it was something that I was so used to, I felt like it… I was like, “Okay, no problem.” Like, I, this is, this is no problem for me whatsoever. This is how I lived most of my life up to this point. , So it was a pretty smooth transition back, if you will.
, Sometimes I still, you know, like I said, have maybe, this, have this platonic crush on this person or, or, you know, this other person, , know, makes me hee, hee, hee. , So that’s kind of my, kind of my journey with it. Like I said, it’s very, it’s very fluid for me. I feel like, um, if I were given the, don’t wanna say opportunity, but if something aroused to where, you know, partner, let’s say, [00:22:00] wanted to practice polyamory again or something like that, I feel like I would, again, be able to fall back into that again.
I, like I said, I feel like it’s very fluid for me to go either one way or the other. I believe it’s am- ambi- ambiamorous, I believe, where you could, you know, be fulfilling whether you’re in a polyamorous relationship or a monogamous relationship. So that’s kind of, over the last six years, where I have been able to explore, um, you know, myself and my desires and, and my relations.
I’m also… don’t want to hel- feel like I’m rambling, but I’m also very demisexual, so for me, the polyamory is more of like, like the romantic, um, you know, feelings for other people. , , having, you know, crushes or whatever, or like having a friend who like I really, really, really, really care about them. So again, for me, I just feel like, like, you know, like when you splatter paint and it just goes everywhere? That’s kinda how I feel, like with my, my experience with, with polyamory and it’s almost hard to put into words sometimes because I feel like I want to define concrete in a box. This is what I [00:23:00] feel and this is who I am.
But sometimes I feel like that’s kinda hard.
Alonzo banx: Has anyone had a partner pressure them change their status from one to another, either into or out of poly? How did it make you feel and how did you deal with it? Okay, Michael I see you, but Kat you threw your hand up there quick so go ahead. And John
Kat: sorry. , Yeah, so my, my partner, like I said, I’ve, I’ve been with him for six years. He’s the one who introduced me into polyamory, and he was extremely adamant. It was basically, “If you don’t be polyamorous with me, there is no relationship. I am not gonna be monogamous. I’m not gonna be, you know, uh, this way.
I have to be polyamorous. I have to be able to, to, you know, be open and, and, and explore relationships for what they are.” And that was kind of hard for me, which again, why I was so shocked why he was like, wanna be monogamous a couple years later. , It was hard, for sure, at first. But, but again, because I already had those feelings, like I said, when I was, like, growing up in high school and [00:24:00] being like, “Okay, maybe I can do this,” because as a teenager and a young adult I had, you know, crushes on multiple people. , But very, very adamant, you know? He, he was like, “If you don’t do this, and if you don’t try this with me, then we’re not gonna have a relationship together.”
Alonzo banx: Winnie, you had something to add to that
Quinny: Yeah, I’ve definitely been in the situation where it’s a partner who said that, “Hey, you know, polyamory is, you know, who I am. This is very important to me.” And we had a whole conversation about the idea of, you know, the differences of, like, could I be okay with it? And at the time, I had felt very, like, pushed into it of, well, if I don’t say yes, I don’t get to be with this person, and I do really care about this person.
You know, we’ve been seeing each other for a while. And really eye-opening of, like, well, what could you be okay with? And, like, how much of yourself do you let go f- for someone else’s happiness? And I think that was [00:25:00] another way that kinda spoke to me on isn’t for you if you have that gut feeling that can’t let go of something that I’m innate- like, going to be upset with to make another person happy
Alonzo banx: Michael?
Michael: Yeah, I think I’ve been in the place of, of doing what Quinny and Kat are talking about of like, “Hey, I’m poly. I’m like…” You know, because like Cookie’s experience, like anytime I tried, I would find myself doing things, cheating, doing stuff like so. So I was like that. And then, and then to me, what I felt like was a bit of a mistake in that is then I would build a monogamous relationship with this, we’re gonna cross that bridge at some point in the future kinda thing.
And then I feel like I had relationships where people were like, “Well, I like this guy, I like that, so I better if I want to.” And then when it came time, they were like, “No, I can’t. I can’t.” Like, and then it became all this drama and all this thing. And so– there was [00:26:00] a self-acceptance that came from me first.
So it was like became more of somebody that’s like I’m not gonna talk anybody anything. I’m gonna live my life in that way. And then people are either gonna stick around or not. So it wasn’t trying to anybody into anything. It was just being that created that. And I have a question for Kat, if that’s okay.
Alonzo banx: Please go ahead
Michael: because Kat, I’m curious, you said that you might go back to poly if your partner does that. What if you want to?
Kat: So that is actually something I have been battling with internally very, very, very recently, very recently. Um, and I don’t know, kind of like Quinny said, sacrificing a part of you for your partner’s happiness, it’s hard. It’s hard. I’m a people pleaser. I’m content for the [00:27:00] most part, you know, in my current, um, you know, mo- monogamous relationship. but, but that’s something that I have to have a conversation here because that is something that I’ve realized pretty recently is, you know. And, and it’s not that even wanting to like, “Oh, I wanna have another boyfriend or girlfriend,” but sometimes it’s, it’s those little crushes. It’s that, again, it’s that little fluid, fluid- did it, fl- fl- fluidness of it where, again, I’m, I’m pretty demisexual, but sometimes I have a friend that I just really care about them and I really like them, but then I’m, I, I, I wanna make sure that I’m respecting boundaries.
And, and I feel like this is where it gets kind of that paint splatter messy where I have to sit down with, with myself and, and, and my partner and really, you know, um, be transparent and honest about these things. And, um, it’s scary though sometimes.
Alonzo banx: I’m gonna take this a different way, but John, you had something you wanted to add to this part of the conversation before I do
Jon: Sure, yeah, I’ll throw it in here real quick. I, uh, a- and I don’t know if this counts, but so I was in a, I was [00:28:00] in a poly fidelitas quad, is what we called it back in the day. and that was created, uh, it was created as fidelitas because of one person in the quad that wanted it to be that way. The other three, including me, was interested and open to, um, adding people to it and, and meeting other people.
But, uh, but this one person, one member was, uh, that idea and wanted to keep it just the four of us and, and keep it like that. uh, I did f- uh, it gave me that same sort of feeling of like, I’m kinda like I think what, uh, Quinni and Kat were sort of talking about. Like, uh, you know, it, it pulled me away from my authentic self, I think a bit and, and it was still that sort of mono kind of, uh, definition on top of a quad, which was, which I don’t know if it counts.
But, uh, but, uh, yeah, at, at the time I, I thought I can, I can handle this. But, uh, [00:29:00] I don’t think that that quad survived because part- partly because of that
Alonzo banx: Well, John, you just gave me a perfect segue into where I was gonna take this conversation. Okay, so we’re poly. We’re in a triad, right? Mike, Omar, one of your triads. Um, John, the QE, Noah, you and the cupcake or the you and the pastries. Is it limiting? Do you turn around and say, “Okay, we’re closed. We can’t bring in other people”? And is that the same in a way as limiting it to monogamy? you’re looking at your partners and saying, “We’re a closed group. You can’t look external of this group,” is that or is that the same? And Noah, you got a deep look in your eyes, so
Noah: Yeah, I, I think it’s a little complicated from one perspective. I could see, uh, you know, there’s so many different polyamorous types of relationships out there, right? [00:30:00] And trying to put everybody into one box is impossible. But I could see, uh, you know, three, four people all getting very close, maybe not even expecting it, and that’s perhaps even their first, you know, dip into polyamory of some kind.
And all they know is monogamy, and they feel safe with those four people. I can see that desire, and if everybody’s in agreement, I can see it working. Um, it would be interesting to see how that goes long term, but I think if it starts off in that kind of respect, I can see that working. Where I think it gets difficult is, um, when you are closing off, in my opinion, um, parts of your relationship, especially when it comes to a polyamorous relationship where you’re loving multiple people, but now you can’t love as many as you’d like.
You’re, you’re basically pulling the same act as a [00:31:00] monogamous partner, um, being forced into polyamory, right? I think there’s that level of, , “No, this is not what I want. I am someone who can love multiple people. , I, I don’t see why we should lock this down. We can talk about perhaps, , some kind of protocol that we follow, some letting you know what’s going on in my life, meet the people that I’m interested in.
Maybe we can set some rules around that that would make sense and everybody happy.” , But no, I, I don’t think, , it’s fair to tell multiple people, and when you’re in a polyamorous relationship, it just expands out to more and more, what they can and cannot do outside of respecting your own health, right?
Um, I think that’s– it gets, it gets dicey. It gets dicey real fast.
Alonzo banx: So I’m gonna throw out an opinion here that may not be, , very, , happy to everyone. else have anything they wanna add on that one before I, , throw, throw some fire into the middle of the room?[00:32:00] 
Michael: yeah, I’ll, I’ll throw something in there. I, I, um, I, I do feel… Uh, I mean, to Noah’s point, anybody doing anything, choosing what’s real for you is obviously, there’s no right or wrong way to do anything as long as people are following what’s there. I trip over a little when you start talking about sacrificing yourself for someone’s happiness, ’cause I did that for a lot of years and it didn’t work, and I was actually sacrificing myself someone else’s insecurities, not their happiness.
And so that just built their insecurities. And yes, for me, like, one of my things is no rules, because it comes from a place of acceptance and people being who they are. So from the standpoint of you can’t go outside, it’s if you have a polycule and that’s what feels right, great. you say you can’t step out of it, that feels like monogamy ext- expanded, more complicated monogamy
Alonzo banx: So I’m on the outside listening to this,
Michael: Mm-hmm.
Alonzo banx: and all I [00:33:00] hear is polyamory equals narcissism. Because polyamory means I’m allowed to do whatever I want, date whoever I want, s- pick up anyone I want, and I’m free to do whatever I want ’cause there are no rules around me. polyamory equals narcissist. Ooh, got some answers on that one.
Go ahead, Noah
Noah: I’m a narcissist, I’ll say that. However, I would disagree with that statement, and here’s why. Uh, for one, it’s not about what I can do and I’m allowed to do anything that I want, right? I’m in a relationship with multiple people, and what’s good for me, in most cases, depending on what we’re talking about here, should be good for you, right?
If I wanna be free to date other people, I should also let you be free to date other people as well, right? Um, I don’t, uh, feel like it’s all about me. It’s also about my partners being able to express [00:34:00] the love and receive the love that they wanna have, and I am happy for them to do that. When I hear about a new crush or I hear about, you know, something that their other partner did that was really great for them, um, it brings me joy.
I’m happy about it, right? Um, I don’t have any cuckold fantasies at all, but I would love to see Cookie have sex with another man. It’s– doesn’t bother me, right? If she’s enjoying it, having fun, that’s great. And so it isn’t about, um, uh, narcissism. Uh, in fact, I think it’s about community and love and appreciation for the human condition, appreciation for, um, the, the other people’s desires.
Um, and I, I onl- I would actually argue, um, it’s the opposite
Alonzo banx: Rennie, I see you have something you want to say. John, I’m gonna go to you, but Cookie, I’m setting you up. You’re closing us out tonight. So John[00:35:00] 
Jon: Uh, so my thought about your statement about it being about narcissism, uh, I, I of course disagree as well as, as Noah did. Uh, but for me it’s, uh, a little bit more about, uh, making sure that everybody is taking up some space in this world, right? Um, there are a lot of people pleasers, uh, in my, in my quad on this phone call.
Um, and I think that these are very precious people, uh, in the world that are trying to make people happy. Um, and, and these are good souls, you know, and but they can be taken advantage of. And, I think it’s important for people who are like that, who are people pleasers and stuff, to take up some space in this world to, for their own, you know, to, to be who they need to be or, or want to be. Uh, I think that that, uh, I think it’s important to, to honor yourself, um, even though you’re trying very hard to honor everybody else around you. not [00:36:00] narcissism, but, uh, but just being authentic and, and being bold enough to be yourself
Alonzo banx: Winnie?
Quinny: I heavily disagree with the idea that polyamory is inherently narcissistic or selfish, and I think I’ve heard that a lot from people outside now that I’m not of like, “Oh, well, now that you’re not, do you see how it’s this way?” And it’s, no, never saw it that way. I think that one of the most beautiful things you can do for somebody that you love is accept them. And it takes a lot of love to look at a person and say, “I love you exactly as you are, and if this is something that is important to you and matters to you, I want you to be happy.” Um, and even that, if that means that we can’t be happy together, ’cause, you know, relationships can last for as long as they can last, but your, your happiness, what you feel is going to bring you joy every day, especially in our world, so important.
So looking at… I don’t think it’s a selfish thing to say, “Hey, this is something that matters to me and I’m gonna find the people that it also matters to
Alonzo banx: I think [00:37:00] you hit on something very important. Um, it’s finding the people that this also matters to you. It can come off as narcissistic you want it and your partner doesn’t, and you demand that your happiness is more important than theirs. you are fundamentally around people who all agree, that fades into the background. But Cookie, I said I was gonna let you take us out tonight. Um, before that though, anyone have any final words before Cookie closes out the show? All right, Cookie, take it away
Cookie: I’ve been put under an immense amount of pressure. Uh, um, yeah, I, I also disagree that, you know, polyamory is, is a narcissistic behavior. I, I do think that we perhaps do live, we happen to live during the most narcissistic of times, and I think we are also living in a time when we are the most aware of narcissism, and I think that combination can make things appear lot worse, um, [00:38:00] things actually are.
I think there’s actually very few real narcissists really when you get down to it, and I think you have a lot more issues of people with, like, emotional regulation, self-regulation issues, and understanding issues. Um, and, and those self-protective behaviors that emerge from that can appear very narcissistic because we all, we all do.
We have an ego, and we want to protect it. Um, and we’ll go… You know, that’s usually the hill that we’ll die on, and I don’t think that that is necessarily wrong to be a human with that kind of inclination. Um, but also, I think, you know, in that, we should all understand, like, again, we’re, we’re all flawed. all make mistakes.
Uh, we all just want to be understood, uh, as who we are. We want to understand ourselves. We want to have the freedom and liberty to explore the world, um, and, and get from it, you know, what, [00:39:00] uh, our, our unique filter of the world produces. And if you’re an artist, that means you get to express that to the world and share it with others. If you’re a writer, you have beautiful stories and emotions for people to identify with. Um, I think being able to explore intimacy, um, with any number of people, the more people, the better, really, uh, makes the world a more beautiful place and a lot less narcissistic. It’s simply more understanding and more aware. and that’s, uh, that’s something to celebrate
Alonzo banx: Very well said. Thank you. Another great call tonight. Hey, we have got Merinthia, our annual party, coming up here in just a couple weeks, and I know I’m excited. Most of you people on this call are gonna be there, plus a bunch others. yeah, it’s coming up quick. And we got some really big exciting news coming up that’s gonna be announced right after Merinthia. I am still at the end of the show, Alonzo Banks. This has been the Poly SoCal Podcast. Michael, Noah, [00:40:00] Cookie, Quinny, John, Kat. Quinn, great having you on tonight, by the way. Thank you for another great show. night, everybody
Cookie: Thank you. Good
Kat: Thank you. Good night
Quinny: Thank you