In this Episode 56 roundtable, guest host Noah leads Michael, Blake, Lana, and Cupcake into a deeper conversation about compersion: the joy that can come from seeing someone you love experience love, pleasure, or connection with someone else. The group moves beyond the easy definition and gets into the real emotional territory: jealousy, neutrality, fear of being replaced, arousal, trust, self-care, communication, and the difference between feeling something and acting from it. Michael gives the episode its strongest grounding by naming that jealousy, arousal, and compersion can all exist at the same time, while Cupcake brings in the reality of emotional processing, chronic illness, and needing space before reacting. Blake and Lana add practical tools from their relationship, including regular check-ins, fantasy-building, journaling, and learning not to get pulled into each other’s storms.
Noah: [00:00:00] Hello, and welcome to the Poly SoCal Podcast. I am your guest host tonight, Noah.
Lana: Noah.
Noah: And tonight we’re gonna be talking about
compersion. First, I wanna get everybody introduced. I’m gonna go ahead and just start at the top of my screen here. Michael, could you introduce yourself?
Michael: Uh, hello, I’m Michael. I’ve been here a few times now,
Lana: now.
Michael: uh, I guess I would describe myself as,
Lana: as
Michael: Somebody that has a lot of relationships with a preference towards three, and
Lana: and
Michael: as much a relationship anarchist as anything
Noah: Beautiful. All right, Blake
Lana: Blake Howdy,
Blake: howdy. Um,
Lana: so,
Blake: so I am a core nesting partner with Lana. We have two nests, we’ve been together about four years. We’re both here tonight
Noah: And I keep it in the nest, Lana
Lana: Keep it in the nest. Mama Hello, everybody. we are four years together [00:01:00] exploring, expanding. And, when we met, we said we are monogamish, and we are just exploring polyamory, as a part of Europe Opening Program. Expanding
Noah: Right. And last but not least, cupcake
Cupcake: Hi, I’m Cupcake. Noah is also one of my partners along with our partner Cookie, and I am also married have one metamour
Noah: Right. Okay. Who can give me a definition of compersion? What does compersion mean?
Blake?
Blake: Yeah. So, I was curious and I checked Google, but Google says that compersion is the feeling of joy or happiness caused by seeing another person happy. Uh, and I think that’s a pretty good definition of it. does say that most commonly used in ethical non-monogamy and polyamory to describe feeling glad when a romantic partner finds happiness with another partner
Noah: [00:02:00] Lana, you have something to add?
Lana: Yeah, I can add, uh, compersion, in my opinion, it’s opposite of jealousy. And when person, your partner loves more than one person, it’s wonderful. Love is infinite, so more love is better. To me, it’s, uh, never enough kisses, never enough hugs, never enough love. It’s good. It’s all good
Noah: Michael, do you agree with those?
Michael: Um, yeah, absolutely. And, um, I believe it even ties into a,
Lana: I was into, um,
Michael: a Buddhist, concept, the like sympathetic joy that’s been around. It’s– I know it’s the polyamory world it’s been since the ’90s, but a lot longer than that in the Buddhist idea of that Yeah, I
Noah: I like it
Michael: with both of them
Noah: Blake
Blake: Yeah, that, that Buddhist idea I think is part of where we get this idea that there’s some enlightenment to be found in the polyamory [00:03:00] experiences. When you really are feeling the joy of another person, your, kind of your, your ego boundaries are, are sort of, changing. And, I guess I used to think of compersion as being kind of like, , like transmuting jealousy, like taking jealousy and turning it into something else, and I don’t really think of it that way at this point.
It kind of, it feels more like a pure feeling in itself. That said, if you’re starting to feel some jealousy, you may be able to turn on some compersion. Um, and I try and do that, but, but I don’t think it’s, exactly that you’re transmuting one into the other
Noah: Okay. Do you have something to add?
Cupcake: I was gonna add that, like, oddly enough, I, I don’t think I really even knew the word compersion until a couple years ago. Even before, obviously, in my previous polyamory, poly-ish relationships, those weren’t healthy, so I didn’t even have the opportunity to understand that side of it. [00:04:00] Do believe that it makes of sense in other forms of your life, but also very strongly with the, non-monogamy side of the world. And I could say that you can be someone that understands and feels compersion, but it also could be a struggle, and I don’t think that’s necessarily wrong. But lot of that could obviously be internal, and you have to be able to understand yourself and understand your limits and understand what is causing you to not be able to compersion for someone, and that could be something that is dealt with within rather than in maybe, a secondary or, another relationship
Noah: Michael, something to add
Michael: Yeah, I would definitely agree with that. It, like, com- isn’t the absence of jealousy, and I, I think that whole idea that, that, you don’t [00:05:00] have feelings of jealousy or struggles or that it’s hard is Like, because otherwise then there’s this sense of like, “Oh, wow, I’m really struggling. I feel really jealous.
I must be doing this wrong.” And I don’t think that that’s it at all. It’s like Cupcake was just talking about. It’s understanding feelings, those feelings are natural, and they happen like split second. Soon as something happens, it, it goes inside you. So it’s what you do with those feelings that is really the thing.
But it’s the, it’s … I think it’s important to understand it’s not the absence of it, ’cause I’ve been doing this a long time, and it, it’s still the very first thing that happens, is it’s, it’s hard. It’s jealousy. It’s feelings. When something new comes along, that’s the first thing every single time
Noah: I’m, I’m glad you brought up jealousy, and I think this is something that Cupcake was hinting at, too, just talking about jealousy. But before we get there, ’cause I think that is a major, like, uh, opposite of [00:06:00] compersion in a lot of ways that needs to be discussed. But, uh, uh, compersion too, I think, uh, might be experienced by some people or perhaps may be mistaken for compersion by some people as neutrality.
And I was wondering how the group felt about compersion versus neutrality. And I guess what I mean by that is compersion being kind of what we talked about. You get, like, a feeling of love when you see your partner with someone else and having a good, loving, emotional or physical connection with someone versus neutrality, where it’s more just like the acceptance of it.
And how do you feel about that in, I guess, in, in the polyamory world?
OK。
Cupcake: I think it can be mistaken, a lot. That could be, you know, obviously in possibly not so healthy dynamics or relationships that that’s realized, there’s something bigger that you have to kind of handle. , But I, I feel that Like we were saying, that it’s not– I don’t think it’s the [00:07:00] opposite of jealousy at all.
Um, I think that it’s, it’s, it, it can be any situation is different, and every situation is gonna have different different strings, different, emotions, different interests. And s- I almost find that if I’m kind of in an edge of I can enj- have compersion, but also have, you know, I would say like FOMO. and you can still want happiness and joy and love and see that and appreciate it, you can also still have the other emotions. And I don’t feel like that’s necessarily neutrality nor jealousy. I just think that you can’t really put a definition on every single emotion and feeling and the percentage of each that are gonna go into cert-certain situations, if that makes sense.
Noah: Yeah. Well, so let’s talk about jealousy then. Let’s, let’s get into it. [00:08:00] So when it comes to compersion and jealousy, do they coexist? And if they do, how do they coexist? Can someone feel intense compersion, and jealousy toward the same partner dynamic at the same time?
Michael
Michael: Yeah, absolutely. As a matter of fact, when The And if you were talking earlier about neutrality meaning that you don’t, like, have any real feelings, um, I, I don’t, I don’t know if I’ve met that person yet that if they have strong feelings towards somebody, if they feel close to somebody, if they’re in a loving relationship with somebody, that they don’t
They’re just like, “I’m neutral about it.” I, I haven’t, haven’t met that person. I’m not saying it doesn’t exist. Haven’t met them yet. When, when my partner that I live with has something new, it’s particularly when something new comes up and she gets excited and connected with somebody new and does that, there’s three distinct feelings that, that happen for me. And they happen in this [00:09:00] order. One is, the first thing is I feel some sense of jealousy. It’s like they’re, they’re smarter, taller, better looking, make more money, you know, more educated. Like, that’s the first feelings that overwhelm me. The second thing that overcomes me is, is I get aroused by that. So I have an arousal, which is different than compersion. It’s like I, I get by it. And then the third feeling is I’m happy that she’s found something, that, that whole compersion feeling. I’ve had that. But all three happen sort of in that order but pretty quickly. And, and they, they coexist every time
Noah: Alana, you had your hand up first
Lana: When Michael was talking about these three feelings, I was analyzing my feelings. I know I’m so happy for my partner if he’s happy by default. in the same time, yes, if I’m feeling not safe, in the moment I’m comparing [00:10:00] myself to somebody else, I’m losing. If I can compare myself with my yesterday self, and yes, it’s me, today I am evolved more than yesterday, and yes, I love my partner, and really wish so much joy for him, that could just kind of like transform to something else. And I agree in each situation it could be different. And I do believe in love and kindness and joy, so it’s my default. And sometimes it’s kind of like unsafe. Is my partner gonna just substitute me with somebody else? Just that moment if I’m gonna lose or it’s gonna be more expansion. moment I so, it’s gonna be expansion, it’s more compassion happening. If it’s less, safety, kind of like I feel unsafe, [00:11:00] it’s kind of like on the edge. It’s a– I don’t even know if it’s jealousy or something else, but kind of like fear probably. So it’s in-
Noah: about feeling unsafe? I’m curious about what you mean by that
Lana: my measurement of safety, if I feel balanced and I’m at home and everything is known, and, if something new happening, unknown makes this okay. It’s comparison or something else coming on place and that feeling, “Mm, I’m not sure if I’m still at home. I’m not sure if I’m balanced.” And it’s, it’s inner work to just go back to that feeling and feel I’m at home.
Noah: Cupcake, I saw your hand, but Blake, you’re up first
Blake: I had a couple things to say both about what Lana and Michael were saying. When Michael said, that, compared or said that there was an arousal, I was really glad he brought that up because that is a really important step. [00:12:00] And what strikes me about it is saying that it’s not the, the same thing as compersion. To, to me, the, the, the experience starts out with an energetic charge. So it’s like there’s a strong charge, and that, that may be a jealous charge, but, but if you even just look at it as it’s just a charge, and then the meaning that you give that charge is what makes the, the emotion. And so if, if I feel a strong charge, let’s say maybe Lana’s talking about a new guy that she has a crush on or something like this, then when I feel that charge, I’ll immediately go, “Oh, okay, I wanna, I wanna find the arousal in this.
I wanna find the excitement and take that trigger and make it into a turn-on.” So it– and so it’s not exactly that I’m changing it. It’s more that I’m, I’m interpreting the arousal as a turn-on. Uh, and then I d- I do think the compersion can come after that.
Noah: Cupcake, you had something you wanna say?
Cupcake: I just wanted [00:13:00] to kind of touch, and I was gonna bring it up before, Lana did, but, like, the fear and the fear of the unknown, especially in newer situations. The fear that, you know, is, you know, again, like, being replaced or being substituted or… But that can be the same feeling in other type of situation.
If your partner or friend has a new hobby or even your friend has a new relationship, you can still that fear of the change. I mean, change is– The only thing consistent in life is change. And while that is true, we’re not prepared for it, and we aren’t prepared for every situation to be different. I believe that you can grow certain directions. You can grow conversion, or you can grow in the jealousy, or you can grow in the fear, and it’s just about direction you take and your mental health to be able to continue down that path. [00:14:00] Now, I also believe that you have to be obviously very communicative with the other side, whether it be your friend, whether it be your partner, whether it be your spouse, be able to have those conversations to alleviate one of those things, whether it be fear, whether it be jealousy. That’s a main thing that people need to focus on as well.
Noah: Blake, go ahead
Blake: Yeah, I think that, that, that really ties into that sense of inner work and where the inner work comes in. In, in my experience, compersion’s a lot easier to feel when the trust is stronger. So– And the fact that we’ve been, together for four years means we’ve kind of had a little bit of a laboratory to, to discover this, is that over the years, as the trust, uh, grows between Lana and myself, that the compersion comes much, much more easily, easily and much more quickly, and is stronger when it comes. The idea of trust is such a big [00:15:00] deal. It has to do with that idea of newness. You know, if there’s someone that we’ve, you know, been with a number of times in a, a, a, you know, a threesome kind of a situation or something like that, then I feel a lot more trust, and I feel it’s much easier to move to compersion and, and, you know, the idea of Lana spending time, with someone, by herself when I’m not there is a lot easier to, imagine when it’s somebody that I already know and trust. So when there’s a, a new person on the scene, that’s when, you know, the antennas go up and, and, and you do get a little more, concerned about it. But it’s that, that whole process of building trust between the two of us and going back to it’s a wonderful thing to see y- the person that you love, experiencing joy.
And, and when they’re experiencing NRE, that’s exciting too.
Noah: Svona
Lana: I could add to that trust and communication. So all these four years in our lab, in our relationship [00:16:00] lab, we are, transforming our communication to next level. And, how I feel now in our relationship, I can just ask questions, I can just ask for what I want, I can just, use my imagination, my fantasy. our communication style is helping us to create this foundation and create this trust. And if you have trust and good communication, Alonso usually said, “Communication is lubrication.” great, the foundation for compassion. I’m talking from experience
Noah: So I’m glad you, you talked about that, because you’re talking about any relationship, you know, having the communication, having that open. So is there any, specific tools that you use or that you would recommend for creating the psychological safety required for compersion to flourish?
Lana: It’s [00:17:00] no recipe just, I could recommend. It’s, every couple, every constellation is different. What we know, we’re not holding anything for later. If something comes up, we are just, freely getting right time and talking about, it could be 15 minutes conversation, or it could be two hours. And, Blake said, “Tell me more.” And that tell me more, the cheer leadership in him making me, creating space for me to just ask more questions or, explain myself more so we can understand each other better. We are from different backgrounds. We are so different, and are celebrating these differences. And, so far it’s working, and Blake can just add to that, how we are, our communication as a great tool for our thriving relationship
Blake: Well, I’ll see. So I don’t know exactly what to add [00:18:00] on except to say that we really make it a high priority to communicate. We have monthly check-ins, and, each monthly check-in we talk about three things that are going great and one thing we’d like to do better. We sandwich them together so we got two things are going great, one thing we wanna do better, and then end up with something going great. And putting it in those terms has really helped us to pinpoint both, you know, areas of concern that we can, that we can bring up and things that we can do better. And usually it’s pretty clear in talking through it what, what steps we wanna take to communicate better or, or, or whatever the issue is. Um, but having those regular check-ins, we also use that time for, um, Lana mentioned the imagination, and one of the things we use that time for is to imagine…
We always wanna have some kind of fun, exciting thing coming up, fantasy of some kind or other that we wanna be working on. And, so in the check-in, we’ll talk about how that fantasy’s coming along. We might be planning it, we might be, you know, [00:19:00] brainstorming, we might be implementing it, we might have just carried it out. So, that’s one of the things that I think keeps our, communication going strong, is those regular check-ins
Noah: I, I think it’s beautiful that you guys are constantly trying to meet your fantasy needs with each other. I think that’s great. It’s awesome
Blake: Yeah, it’s really fun. We also talk about areas of growth, areas of expansion, you know, wins and, and constrictions, things that have been challenging. So those are kind of the, the steps that we cover during our check-ins
Noah: Michael, I’m gonna pick on you a little bit. You’ve been a little quiet here for a w- while. But I come to find that you are a emotionally intelligent guy, and I’d like to kinda hear your thoughts on how you cultivate compersion or that, ability to have compersion in your relationships
Michael: Oh, thank you for that. Well, as Blake and Lana are demonstrating, when you find two people that are able to communicate and trust each other and do that, it creates [00:20:00] some beautiful things from that. And no one would argue that and communication, you know, are important things, absolutely. And, it, it comes back to what Cupcake was talking about earlier is it, it’s always an internal thing. Lana and Blake are able to do this, because they also have their own sense of self-esteem and own sense of, of owning their own feelings and all that. I don’t know you two that well, but I can pick that up from you, right? And so I’ve seen things like trust and compersion used as a club like, it’s like, “Wait, don’t you trust me?
Why are you having these feelings? Why is that happening?” Or, “I do compersion, can’t you?” And then, and then I think Cupcake said something about doing it wrong earlier. It’s like, and so when there’s that feeling, it can be used as that. So when it’s in that place of that it’s there, it’s great, and wherever somebody’s at, and when you’re first connecting and [00:21:00] communicating and learning that, you’re not gonna do it perfectly.
It’s gonna be rough. It’s gonna be things are gonna be learning. There’s gonna be feelings that happen. And if you can’t, if you, if you feel like, “Okay, I’m in this polyamorous relationship, I need to show compersion, I need to show it’s there,” and then you come from that, then you might be afraid to say what’s really going on.
And then you either stuff it, and it comes out later. Or what I’ve seen as a bigger of that is, like, somebody, somebody’s partner goes and does something, and, and they wanna be okay with it, and they’re really having struggling feelings, and they stuff it down. So instead, they put it out and say, “Well, it’s okay that you did this, but you didn’t check in fast enough after, and now I’m mad at you about that.”
Now, and it’s just this, it’s just this, , projecting the feelings onto other things with that. So it’s, it’s important to allow the space For [00:22:00] that, like who I’m with now that I live with, I had been doing the lifestyle for a lot of years before. We’ve been together a long time, but I’d still been in it a long time before we got together, and I had done a lot of practice when my feelings came up, those three feelings that came up. I would flip them over. I would feel jealousy, I would feel excitement, I’d feel compersion, and then I would say and express the compersion first, then the excitement, and then I would talk about the feelings of jealousy. And I came from this place of expecting her to do the same thing, and she would, she would just…
It was hard. It came up. She reacted. Things happened, and that was fine. And when I was holding her to that standard, wasn’t fair to that. She didn’t need to show up the way that I did or that I had with practice or It just let her have the feelings, let be there. It’s like, “Okay. It’s okay. It’s okay that you have those feelings.
It’s okay.” Because just because you’re coming from this place of this of [00:23:00] compersion and trust and communication doesn’t mean that you don’t allow space for people to have it be rough or, or react or hold space for their feelings or, so I think being able to understand that when I have upset, it’s like for me something to look at, and being able to hold space doesn’t mean I hold responsibility for somebody’s feelings, but it means that loving them and showing up in that space can allow them the space to bounce around in those feelings in doing that.
So it, th- Allowing that space for that feels important to be able to get to what we’re clearly seeing Lana and Blake demonstrate
Blake: I love, I love that idea of allowing space, holding space. Had a friend the other day who said to me I– it’s– he saw us as me doing more holding space than I, uh, used to do, and I’m, I’m more capable of, of that, through, you know, ev-evolving. I think also one of the things that we’ve been [00:24:00] doing is kind of, stretching ourselves.
So we might look at what’s something that is kind of at the edge of our comfort level, and like our fantasies, we might develop something that’s sort of at, at the edge of that. So an example would be, like we’re, we’re learning more about individuation. And as part of individuation, up until now, we’ve done all of our play together, and we’re starting to look at, well, gee, are there ways that we can, you know, develop some things, individually and, um, and be, you know, excited about it. And, you know, we’ve set up some, some fantasies that kind of, you know, would do that in a, in a con– like we’d make an agreement about a particular date or a particular activity or something like that. And that way, by having just a temporary agreement, we’ll say, “We’re gonna try this out with this temporary agreement and see how it goes, and then we can process it, we can talk about it, and so forth.” And that’s really helping us to expand, what we’re feeling comfortable with, you know, a little bit at a [00:25:00] time.
Noah: So, you know, we kind of talked a little bit about how we’re, working with partners who are having, potential problems with our own relationships. You know, they’re, they’re having issues with their ability for compersion. But, you know, hypothetically speaking, let’s say I’m having trouble with compersion, right?
And we’re not always able to deal with those feelings right away, right? Perhaps, you know, like we were just talking about a moment ago, you, you’d mentioned trying to do some things separately instead of together all the time, right? Well, if your partner’s separate with another partner, then you don’t have the ability to have that conversation right then and there.
Are there any self-soothing strategies or emotional tools you use or have thought about using in, in those types of scenarios?
Michael, go ahead
Michael: Self-care, the practice of self-care is, is essential, I think, to being able to, not project things when I’m [00:26:00] in a hard place on somebody that I love or somebody that I’m close to. And so one is recognizing if I’m in a place where I’m starting to defend or act or react, like when those things are happening, just recognizing that I’m in a place that it’s not productive to keep trying to work it out. And recognizing that and then just having practices of, of, you know, for me it’s, it’s getting some quiet time, paying attention to my breathing, listening to music. Like it’s just, it, there’s certain things, but it’s like self-care things that I do practice of and do a little bit of practice before I even run into that situation.
But being able to have that self-care practice, really essential
Noah: Vic, you had, uh, something to say?
Cupcake: I wanted to kind of agree with Michael and the self-care. That’s something that I’ve had to teaching myself in general [00:27:00] as someone that is, you know, chronically ill. I have very little energy. have had to start, when I see myself getting emotional or see myself getting overwhelmed or see myself getting exhausted, I have to find times that energy and to internalize the energy that I do have to be able to process what is going on.
So may become withdrawn or disassociated, but it’s not necessarily because I’m upset. It could be I don’t have the energy to pro-produce what I need to, to alleviate this or s- situation or feeling that I have to take some time and internally the energy to do so. Because I know that in the past I would react immediately, that wasn’t always the healthiest way to react. So I’m [00:28:00] someone that has really started to learn to try to take the time to process those feelings or process those emotions or the situation before getting incredibly overwhelmed, then coming back and being able to have that conversation or be able to have that discussion on what I’m feeling or how I’m feeling or why I feel that way.
Because I can react to something, but I won’t understand in the moment why I’m reacting that way. But then I’ll look back at it and go, “That’s because of this. That’s because of this. Okay, what can I do with that?” And kind of just self-care in that way, I guess.
Noah: Michael, you have something to add?
Michael: Yeah. Just to build on that, that thing we were talking about of holding space earlier, that can… Holding space can be like, “Hey, I’m in a place that I’m grounded.” It’s like you can share your emotions, you can– Whatever’s going on, I won’t try to fix it, I won’t try to solve it, I won’t try to counterbalance it.
I will just listen and allow that. But just as important as what Cupcake’s talking about is if, [00:29:00] if somebody’s like, “Hey, listen, I need some space. I need to pull back,” I need– and not chase it. Not be like, “Well, talk to me. What’s happening? Why can’t…” Like, just go, “Okay.” Like, that holding space can be allowing the space to, to withdraw or, you know, w- wherever space you’ve gotta go to be able to do that.
It’s, it’s, it’s a self-care thing, and it’s also something that you can offer. If somebody says, “I need some space,” let ’em have it
Noah: Oké
Cupcake: Yeah, I just kind of wanted to add to that and explain, you know, I’m someone that has always needed a lot of reassurance over the years, and that’s because of triggered past and having someone, you know, a lot of relationships have that person that needs that reassurance, and then they have an avoidant, and that tends to be a lot of relationship, um, structures.
And I f- I don’t know if the avoidant is necessarily the healthiest way [00:30:00] of handling things, I’m trying to, as a person that constantly, needs reassurance, trying to take a little bit of an avoidant process to process my, my energy and process my emotions without, you know, outbursting or, you know, I’ve gone through a lot of years of maybe being in a situation where there was an argument or a disagreement, and an avoidant was able to take their space, and I have to allow it, but then I’d be the person sitting there with all this energy that I don’t know what to do with. so that’s exhausting, especially when you don’t have the energy as it is. So it’s been something I’ve really tried to work on is when I’m in that state, I have to kind of learn to shut myself down in a way and shut myself down in the sense of preserving the energy so that I can properly process what is happening in my head or properly process the situation or properly process [00:31:00] understanding why someone would need to, you know, do that or not necessarily avoidant, but you know what I’m saying?
Like, they have their way of handling the situation and trying to understand that side while also, you know, obviously explaining to a partner or a friend how they handle the situation and why they need to understand how I have to process it as well. And I think that has a lot of compersion in itself in the sense of that’s how you have to deal with something. I respect that, and I understand that, and I care for that, and I can allow that, like the holding space.
Noah: Like, “Yeah, Tom dead?”
Blake: Yeah, I, I really appreciate, Cupcake, how you’re describing how you have to take care of yourself and recognizing, you know, for each of us that our self-care is, uh, different. So for me, I, I love to journal, so writing is a way that I kinda make sense out of stuff. So if I’m feeling real upset, what I’ll do is I’ll just start I’ll just spew [00:32:00] it all out and just, you know, put it all out in writing. And then I’ll try and get more objective about it before actually trying to communicate with Lana about it. So I’m not gonna give Lana the whole… One of the things we did early on was that I would have this storm, and I would just Lana in the whole thing, and then she would be just, you know, just wrapped up in, in all my craziness. And so instead, if I can, sort through that initial storm enough to say more objectively, “Well, what was it that happened? How did I feel about it? What were my reasons for the feelings? What were the underlying needs?” All that NVC stuff, non-violent communication. And, and take the time, the last time I had a storm like this, I just, I had pages before I came down to just an objective description of what happened. And then I had several more pages before I came down to just a succinct, “This is what I’m feeling.” And still more… So I had like 10 or 12 pages by the time I was done, but I could actually go to Lana and I could say, you know, [00:33:00] when, when this happened, I was feeling like this, and here’s why, and here’s what my need is.”
And, and, you know, what, how my, my request usually just follows naturally from what the need she’s all ready to… She wants me to, you know, have my needs met. So, it’s, it’s an interesting process. And, and we’ve seen that change in four years that I used to just, you know, blow up, and there was Lana in the middle of it.
And, you know, it was, it was relationship threatening. In that first year, there were times that our relation… You know, she was this ready to throw me out ’cause I was… I, I didn’t know how to deal with it. So, yeah, it’s important.
Noah: Lonnie, you guys in bed?
Lana: For me it’s very important to not to get in a, a Blake storm. If I’m keeping myself out of that, I’m helping him to process more. He could go for a walk, he could breathe, he could journal. And when we are meeting each other, I’m, I’m ready to [00:34:00] receive his world, not comparing with my world, not comparing how I would do in his situation. would just listen, actively listen, and I usually offer empathy and ideas. It’s another tool which we are using. And, uh, the moment understand my self-care is not go to his storm, everything change. It’s change for me, change for him, and change for our relationship, so we are celebrating this, now. So it’s kind of like, uh, our win of our relationship. Thank you.
Noah: All right. We are getting here towards the end, but I do feel like we have to talk about one thing, and then after that I’m gonna ask for a volunteer to, to close out the show for us. So if anybody’s thinking about volunteering for that, maybe think about it right now. But I do have a question for the group, and it’s more of a hypothetical I wanna throw out there because I think it’s important that we talk about [00:35:00] this just a little bit.
Agree or disagree: I have to feel compersion for my partner when they’re with someone else
cupcake
Cupcake: I don’t think anyone has to do anything. , That being said, there’s a healthy way to do that and a healthy, not healthy way. So, I mean, you’re your own person. You can have your own feelings, have your own, but you also have to kinda look back on it as, uh, why don’t you, and what is causing that?
And if maybe there isn’t conversion, then that maybe isn’t the right situation for you
Noah: Michael, is that bad?
Michael: Yeah, I was, I was like Cupcake, I was reacting a little to the have to. Like, um, uh, don’t have to do anything. Um, I, I agree with… And it’s interesting to, to me [00:36:00] of compersion and loving somebody is the same thing. How I love somebody is coming from a place of I personally define loving somebody is caring about what’s best for them. Not in relation to me, not in what it means for me. That’s, that’s what it is. So like it- even if it’s they meet somebody that they want to spend more time with than me, then, then loving them means that I would want that for them, even if it was hard for me. And so if I’m not feeling some level of compersion, then I’m like questioning how I feel or what my feelings are or what my insecurities are, whatever’s going on. So I wouldn’t say have to, and it’s, it’s a very revealing ‘Cause, uh, the, the, that’s just how I love is based on that. So I wouldn’t be having feelings of love if I wasn’t feeling that [00:37:00] experience
Noah: We’ve talked a lot about compersion today. We’ve talked a lot about jealousy. We’ve talked a lot about how we can deal with the jealousy in our relationships, how we can have an open communication in our relationships to hopefully foster compersion between us.
Who’d like to close us out on this tonight?
Michael
Michael: Here’s, here’s what I would offer Noah, because you’ve been playing guest host this time, so you’ve been more of a host thing. So you’ve had more of a listening, taking things in. So I would like to offer having you give your thoughts on it,
Noah: Sounds good.
Michael: haven’t heard from you as much
Noah: You know, I love to hear the sound of my own voice, so I can do that. Really, I feel like compersion can be one of the most beautiful parts of polyamory. When we feel love when our partners are feeling love from someone else, it’s a beautiful thing. The hard parts can be jealousy. The hard parts can be sometimes not knowing.[00:38:00]
But the way through that is through open communication, honest communication, radical honesty, if you can possibly muster it. Because truly, if they don’t know who you are at your core and you don’t know who they are at their core, how can you possibly ever feel safe and comfortable with them? And so I think that compersion, open and honest, radical communication go hand in hand.
And, I think if we can keep the doors open, keep the communication lines open at all times, we’ll find that compersion, while not always easy, comes easier All right. Michael, Cupcake, Blake, Lana, thank you so much. I think we had a great conversations tonight. This has been another Poly SoCal podcast. I’ve been your guest host, Noah.
Good night, everybody